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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has just told me he doesn't want children. I am distraught.

190 replies

RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:05

When we met, we had the discussion about wanting kids or not. He said he could go either way. We TTC briefly when we first moved in together, then buying a house and organising a wedding kind of meant it got sidelined for a bit.

After that he noticeably cooled on the idea, then over the last 6 months we have spoken about it and he has been more keen. Now today he has said he definitely doesn't want kids. I have never felt more hurt or distraught in my life. I love him very much and don't want to leave him, even if I did I am running out of time.

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:

Curviest · 03/06/2016 13:04

Leave him.

Absolutely LEAVE HIM.

If you waste another 5 yrs or 10 yrs on this man, and he dumps you then anyway, you really will be too old to have kids.

You CAN meet someone new at 40-41-42 yrs old and you CAN still have kids.

Just my 2p worth.

Ifyoubuildit · 03/06/2016 13:32

Don't rule out being a single parent OP. I suspect your mum didn't want to be a single parent and your family situation will have reflected that.

You being a single parent could be a positive decision that could be appropriately planned. My cousin did it alone in her mid forties, she has two children now. She says it's the hardest thing she's ever done but she feels so rewarded and happy. Money is tight but the kids are so very loved and I honestly believe they don't notice.

Good luck OP, sending strong vibes

Ifyoubuildit · 03/06/2016 13:35

Don't rule out being a single parent OP. I suspect your mum didn't want to be a single parent and your family situation will have reflected that.

Good luck OP, sending strong vibes

whimsical1975 · 03/06/2016 13:38

This is your one time opportunity at this life, OP, make sure you live it exactly as YOU want to!!!! Why should you live a life that solely makes your DH happy?? How nice for him if you simply put all your own longings to one side in order to keep him happy!

There is absolutely no reason why you can't still be a mother, it is not too late for you at all!! However, if you choose to stay with your DH in the hope that he'll change his mind then I fear your hopes of having children will never be fulfilled.

BlueLeopard · 03/06/2016 13:50

I'm 41 and still TTC with a fertility clinic, and they've never suggested age as a concern. My AMH levels are slightly lower than they would like, but they are still decent enough to give us a fair chance.

Your plan sounds like a good one. Better than his where he and a potential child of his are virtual strangers under the same roof.

mix56 · 03/06/2016 13:56

I have a friend who "missed the window" due to her P not wanting children. eventually their relationship ended & she married someone else, she then had a SS.
They went on to a fostering programme, & helped a single mother who had severe PND, this child has been an integral part of their lives, she is now married & is having a her own baby. The fostering helped her have a 2nd family throughout her adolescence. They have taken her on holidays, they were at her graduation & wedding. It has been a joy for them & now they are "grand parents" So there is always hope.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 03/06/2016 14:12

You have 3 life options:

Him without kids
Him with kids
Kids without him.

If he isn't willing to do (2) and you cannot bear the thought of (1) - then you need to end the relationship.

Original poster

RaarSaidTheLion · 03/06/2016 16:02

Hello. Can anyone tell me what I need to ask for when I go to the GP, in order to check what my fertility levels are? I don't know what I need to ask them for.

Thanks.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 03/06/2016 16:23

Of course she should get proper fertility advice. I wasn't suggesting to freeze the eggs without advice because you can't do that ... I would have thought that goes without saying.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/06/2016 16:35

I would probably just say that you are 40 and want to make sure you are fertile.
It's usually a blood test to see if you've been through 'the change' or are going through 'the change'
Just say what you have here and they will help.
How are you doing today OP?

Snoringlittlemonkey · 03/06/2016 16:41

Having kids is the most amazing thing and you won't regret it.

I almost gave up having kids when I was married to my ex. He did a very similar dance to your DH and light bulb just went off in my head that this wasn't the right path for me. I jumped ship much to the puzzlement of family and friend because they thought we were a perfect couple. I've never regretted my decision at all.

I'm 40 and pregnant with my second.

Go for it you only get one life

RomComPhooey · 03/06/2016 16:47

Sandy - I realise that, but I think there's a danger a woman could put off "getting on with it" thinking they were covered by having their eggs frozen, whereas frozen eggs may be riskier than assumed.

Original poster

RaarSaidTheLion · 03/06/2016 16:53

I'm fine today HellsBells, thanks for asking. Just getting on with things one at at time.

DH and I are talking, quite productively on the face of it. But I am mindful is that it is actions that count, and am quietly getting on with the foundations of my plan in case all the talk comes to nowt (again).

OP posts:

mix56 · 03/06/2016 17:03

I might just add that many many women get no support other than financially with their children (me first)
I wanted children, my P didn't really, he was already divorced with a DS, so had that covered. I made the decision to push for children even though I knew he wasn't 100 invested%, or even 50%. I didn't trick him, but knew that I was on my own for the Parental responsibility thing. He does love them although is an absolute crap father as he is EA & too self centred to "give".
I of course love my children, but I recognise I should have probably tried to find a better partner.

InaMay · 03/06/2016 18:13

OP, the best indicator for fertility is a blood test called anti muellarian hormone (AMH), which indicates your egg reserve. Standard blood tests includng FSH, LH, TSH and progesterone to confirm ovulation can be done easily at certain points during your cycle, but the AMH is the best one. If your GP can't do this, find a fertility clinic that can.

Best of luck to you.

getyourselfchecked · 03/06/2016 18:29

I am so sorry for you. I was in a very similar situation (right down to the aggressive partner who got pissed off when I cried about it. Similar age too).

Though you may not be able to think about this at the moment, I thought I had v little time for babies and could not see myself trusting anyone else. I went down the sperm donor route and about 2 years later I am holding my little baby. I feel like bloody superwoman.

getyourselfchecked · 03/06/2016 18:33

Sorry....missed the last few posts where you ARE thinking about your options!

I am nt sure that GP does AMH test. I had it with a private fertility clinic (plus a scan) for about £180. Worth doing BUT not an absolute i.e. if your AMH is low is does not mean you won't conceive.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2016 19:01

Yeah, he has form for stringing you along with talking. It's his method of stalling.

Zaurak · 03/06/2016 19:19

Just to point out that fertility is a window. So you've got X amount of time to have a child but far, far longer than that to meet someone nice. becoming a single parent at 40 does not mean you will stay a single parent.

You could conceive with donor sperm, have a baby and then meet a fabulous chap to share your life with. So don't put off the having children bit.

Good luck op. Life can change rapidly - both for the worse, as with this shock you've had, but also for the better.

SandyY2K · 03/06/2016 19:24

Romcom

I see what you mean. I agree that it's not about freezing your eggs and thinking it's okay to put off having a child indefinetly.

The fact is that medically, there is an optimum time for women to have children and the egg production declines with age, so if you haven't met a suitable mate at a certain age and want your own biological child within a relationship, then it's worth a shot.

I know quite a few people who had trouble conceiving because they had a low egg production or because they weren't ovulating every month.

I think if a woman definetly wants kids, then you really need to find a man who wants kids, not someone who can take them or leaving.

Children are too much of a commitment to not be sure about. It's like me saying I can take or leave Italian food. It's fine if I have it and aren't that keen on it,.but it's not the same with kids.

Now I know so many will say they or their DP wasn't sure and are now a great mum or dad, but you can't bank on it.

Where kids are concerned you both should be on the same page.

VocalDuck · 03/06/2016 19:47

It comes across to me that if you did have children with your husband that you would be most if not everything anyway and the only benefit would be two incomes. However, that might be counteracted by the resentment you could have about the fact your husband doesn't do anything and seems much like a child himself.

Do watch out for your husband preempting you leaving him and any joint money etc suddenly disappearing over the next few weeks.

Good luck OP and I think you will need to go privately for a proper fertility check, rather than seeing your GP.

Buttonmoonb4tea · 03/06/2016 21:40

I second what other pp's have said, I'd have fertility tests to see where you are in fertility window and take it from there.

I've just been speaking to my neighbour, a 36 year old man with a PhD, he's just had to end his 8 year long distance relationship as his now ex girlfriend decided to spring it on him that she doesn't want children, and never has, even though they discussed having children for most of the relationship. She even made him agree to move to her home country, he's become a citizen of her home country as in her words "her biological clock" is ticking, she then springs this on him. He's obviously upset and thinks he'll be single forever with no kids. I told him not to write himself off yet. I just wanted to let you know that this happens to men as well. Either way it's a shitty trick to play.

upthegardenpath · 03/06/2016 22:54

I hope you are ok raar I think that's a very sound plan FWIW.

Bear in mind that with egg freezing (as some people have suggested) the best 'window is up until 35...I asked about it at 40 and was told not to bother any more, as the eggs wouldn't have been of the best quality at that age.

Re Anti Mullerian Hormone - it's true that it's an indicator of egg reserve, but mine was very low and I still conceived every time I tried to and just ended up having 10 miscarriages. The private specialist i saw who also did my hormonal tests, was amazed that I was still conceiving so easily at 40 and with such a low AMH. So looks can be deceptive

We are all so different fertility-wise, you never know how much time you still have ahead of you. Stay positive, have all the tests and see how it goes. And good luck to a very brave woman

CrapDIL · 03/06/2016 23:43

Not read replies since you asked for blood details

You need to have LH FSH testosterone and oestradiol done between day 2 and day 5 of your cycle. AMH can be done at the same time. AMH and FSH will be the crucial tests, they will tell you the most.

Then you need progesterone done 7 days before you expect to start your period - so with a 28 day cycle, this should be done on day 21.

Also worth doing a chlamydia screen JUST IN CASE - the last thing you want is to get to the point of going ahead with some sort of insemination and finding that you've got it as it can cause complications with tubes.

Original poster

RaarSaidTheLion · 04/06/2016 11:14

Thank you InaMay, GetYourself, Upthe and CrapDIL, I always prefer to know what I am asking for at the GP, less likely to be fobbed off. I will look for a fertility clinic where I live to get the ASH test. I think there is one along the road, I remember passing it.

ButtonMoon...what's his number, as it sounds like we are in the same boat . Thorntons used to do a lovely icecream called Button Moon which I adored. Otherwise I will just don a funnel on my nose and say "mwow" loudly.

OP posts:

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