My husband has just told me he doesn't want children. I am distraught.

[RaarSaidTheLion]

When we met, we had the discussion about wanting kids or not. He said he could go either way. We TTC briefly when we first moved in together, then buying a house and organising a wedding kind of meant it got sidelined for a bit.

After that he noticeably cooled on the idea, then over the last 6 months we have spoken about it and he has been more keen. Now today he has said he definitely doesn't want kids. I have never felt more hurt or distraught in my life. I love him very much and don't want to leave him, even if I did I am running out of time.

I can't stop crying.

He seems incredibly selfish, stopping you in your tracks every time something good is coming your way or even when you're upset making it all about him. You have every right to be angry.

How are you today?

Honestly , you might have dodged a bullet, he would be an awful parent.
The deception of this and the way he is reacting to your shock and grief are grounds for divorce imo.

Thats really sad. I hate men that faff women about when it comes to committment and kids

I am pretty washed out today TheCrumpettyTree. Thank you for asking.

I know I have a lot of decisions to make. And I have to start building the life that I want. I don't want to be with someone who can change his mind so easily on things like this, and equally, I have seen sides to his behaviour (not comforting me, getting angry when I am down, always acting up whenever anything positive for me comes along) that are making me hugely wary.

Basically last night he went out to put out the rubbish, stayed away for an hour, only came back when I texted to check on him- asked whether he was ok and whether he was coming back- so yet again I am the one who is upset but I have to look after his feelings.

I told him that I couldn't past this and basically that our marriage was over. Then as predicted, he changed his tune very fast. Started talking about perhaps we weren't as far apart on this as I thought, that he'd never said he didn't want kids last night, I was misconstruing him. He started wanting to talk about his fears around parenthood- would he be able to provide, would be be able to be around enough with work commitments, would I ever tell him he needed to look after the baby at a time at work he was busy etc.

So I am very wary whether this is just playing for time as people have said. I also don't want to have to convince someone to have kids with me. I also feel like he is trying to get me to promise that if we have a child I will never ask for his help with childcare etc, and that if I ever breach that "promise" it'll be all about me letting him down when he did this for me etc.

I am fed up with everything being such a negotiation, with him being alternately really emotionally discrete and close doff, but then as son as anything emotional has to be addressed, it's only his emotions that matter and he is doing me a favour even being open about them.

I have said we will talk tonight. I haven't told him yet that I am going away at the weekend but I will do so. I think it will be to a hotel rather than with friends because I will need some space on my own to clear my head and get in touch with what I really want, I've been so far away from myself the last few years I struggle to hear my own voice at all.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. This is the biggest thing I have ever faced. When he told me, it hurt me more even than when I heard that my mum's cancer was terminal. I couldn't believe how deeply hurt I felt, how easily he said it, how he had no sympathy or support for me when I was literally crying my heart out, and now, when it threatens him and his stability, he is backtracking and denying it so thoroughly. I know I can't trust what he says the next couple of days.

Hold on to that distrust OP. You have seen him for the callous, selfish manipulator that he is.

Be kind to yourself this weekend.

He sounds exhausting, BTW.

So now he's playing mind games? Add that to the list of reasons to dump him.
He's a selfish git.

I just can't go on like this.

I love him very much and don't want to leave him
Leave him.
Get donor sperm.
Start organising today.
This is your life, he doesn't have the say-so over it. In five years or whenever, he could leave you for a teenager and father a football team.

You probably still have time. For all the 'fertility drops off a cliff after 35' stuff, the majority of women your age who try for a baby succeed.

He is a selfish bastard. I'm so sorry, OP.

I honestly think he has done you a favour in a very perverse way; he has shown his colours and shown you what sort of nasty manipulative man he is. Even if he turns round tonight and says he will start ttc straight away, do you really want kids with him?
Really glad you are going away for the weekend op.

I would tell him I was having children, and he was either with me or he wasn't his choice.

I would have done that at 30, never mind 40.

would I ever tell him he needed to look after the baby at a time at work he was busy etc.

This tells you everything you need to know. I've had to metaphorically down tools and walk out of a week-long workshop/review of my work area which I should have been leading 2 hours after it started because nursery rang to say DS1 had come out in chicken pox rash and DH was away on business. Then the winter of 5 tonsilitis bouts, DH and I managed work commitments with nimble scheduling and handing over the baton, often part way through the day so we could each get into work to keep big projects and teams under us moving. If you are doing this as a couple, you need to be going into it as a partnership, not him seeing this as some hobby of yours he's indulging. Your 'hobby' will be another human being with wants, needs and feelings who will most definitely feel and be harmed by his lack of engagement and care. Please don't settle for this - you and your potential child deserve so much more. Letting him go means opening yourself up to the possibility of being truly cherished, loved and supported in future.

He clearly doesn't want to be a parent. He's abdicating all responsibility that isn't even conceived yet.

I'm so glad that you've seen his delaying tactics for what they are. I hope that you have a calm weekend on your own and work out how you want to move forward.

^ that should be "for a child that isn't even conceived yet".

I agree he's already drawing the "baby stuff = all your responsibilty" lines out. What about when you are flat out with flu and he's fine - still your job to ensure your child is fed, clothed and entertained? I'm assuming yes. Your relationship is already dead in the water if you have a child with this man - you have no idea of the resentment it will create. You'll end up parenting solo anyway. Might as well lose those ties now.

I loved him so much. And it feels so different now as I just feel that love fade away so fast. All my love for him is just running out of me and I know it's never going to come back. It's like I can still see it behind me in the distance, but I know I'll never go back there.

for you OP. So very sorry.
For me, not having children would have been an absolute marriage-breaker. They bring so much joy in so many different ways. If you want a child you need to act now. You can and will manage on your own. He is not worthy of you.

I know RomComPhooey I know. If he's married to anything, it's to his job. He was never married to me. He's gone off to work before when I have been in bed really ill, and he's not even bothered to put some water beside me or check there is any food in before he went out, never mind ask me if there was I anything I needed. When I got upset about that he did get better for a bit, but now it's just slid back to the same thing.

I need to stop focussing on that it is over and why it is over. It just is, there is no changing that. I need to start thinking about how I build a new life.

OP when I was in this (almost identical) situation I immediately booked an appointment at a fertility clinic to get some facts about donor sperm treatment for single women etc. Getting all the information clear in my mind helped me make a decision. I was mid 30s at the time, and I stuck around for a year after that hoping DP would change his mind, but he didn't so I left.
I'm a single mum to 2 boys now, and I have never regretted leaving exDP, not even for a second.
My advice to you would be to set out your options, and do all the research you can to assess the viability of these options. Then the decision may just make itself for you.
It was a heartbreaking time, but as I say I have no regrets. Had I stayed with exDP I would doubtless have come to resent him and eventually hate him.

You sound so wise op.
I'm glad the sorrow hasn't stopped you thinking clearly .
You're going to be just fine.
Be good to yourself

I might still be able to have kids, I might not. I do know that couldn't be a single parent. My mum was a single parent and I've seen it from the inside, so I know I wouldn't be able to do that on my own. It was a huge struggle for her, and it was a huge struggle for me too at times. I don't think I could put a child or myself through a childhood like mine. I would have absolutely no family support- my dad disappeared when I was little, my mum is dead, I have no brothers or sisters. There a few second cousins scattered over the country, ones I have maybe met once or twice when I was little, or seen at a funeral. No-one I could rely on.

But that is a separate thing from whether I can stay married to him. And I can't. So I need to extricate myself from this marriage as quickly and neatly as I can. And maybe I would have time to meet someone else, maybe not. But at least my life would be my own again.

Even if you miss your biological window, with a committed, loving partner who also wants a family, there are other options like adoption or surrogacy. However, these are not options with a partner who is not on board with building a family. Travel hopefully. X

Thanks, RomComPhooey, that's pretty much where I was getting to in my own mind too. Adoption or surrogacy or fostering with someone who wants a family too.

My friend had a sperm donor baby at 40.
She's a single parent.
She does have a tonne of friends and family for support though.
You've now seen him for what he is.
And you are planning your new life.
You will feel such a weight lift when you finally make the decision to get away.
I wish you all the best and hope you get everything you want!