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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has just told me he doesn't want children. I am distraught.

190 replies

RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:05

When we met, we had the discussion about wanting kids or not. He said he could go either way. We TTC briefly when we first moved in together, then buying a house and organising a wedding kind of meant it got sidelined for a bit.

After that he noticeably cooled on the idea, then over the last 6 months we have spoken about it and he has been more keen. Now today he has said he definitely doesn't want kids. I have never felt more hurt or distraught in my life. I love him very much and don't want to leave him, even if I did I am running out of time.

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 02/06/2016 13:05

Right, ok I know what I am going to do.

Do my training course (should take about a month). Start applying for jobs. Pay upfront for a few more p/t courses from the joint account. Get a fertility MOT. Finish my driving lessons and get my licence.

Basically get my life in a shape so that I can end this cleanly. Should take a couple of months to get these things done and get a job, even a part-time one.

Then start divorce proceedings. As soon as I have done that I can start thinking about whether I want to try to meet someone new quickly or if I need some time on my own.

Oh well. Onwards and upwards.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/06/2016 13:21

Good plan.
Stick to it and get yourself and your life back!
You'll be so much happier soon enough.

whambamthankyoumaam · 02/06/2016 13:23

Having children is the toughest and best thing I've ever done in my life. If he's not happy with you because you're crying, imagine how he'd be with a crying baby screaming at all hours that he apparently didn't want. I feel like if you have a baby with him he will forever throw it back at you when the times get tough that he didn't actually want a child, and trust me, the times WILL get tough with a baby! Can you imagine your child growing up to know they were unwanted by their father?

It seems like you do need to get out, it is very sad, but at the end of the day this guy has tricked you into this marriage with the hope of having children. He has never said no before, so you trusted you would be parents together. Now he goes back on that promise. You don't have time to waste with him, I do believe you will regret it if you don't have children, imagine if you stayed with him for years and then he left for another reason, and you were childless and alone? Please consider leaving him and find someone who will have children with you!! Also, being a single mum doesn't have to be as awful as you may have experienced. I know you may have no help, but there are people who could always help you out (yes it would cost you financially, although you may be entitled to some help), but there are ways of getting support so it doesn't all fall on you all the time.

I think what you say about getting yourself sorted makes sense, i am in a similar position where i am looking for new work so that i am financially capable of leaving, as at the moment i rely on my partner for money

Good luck!! xx

Sanchar · 02/06/2016 13:25

Sounds like a plan.

I would have a plan B in case living with him becomes intolerable,. I'm not sure I could live a week with someone I no longer loved.

Kitsa · 02/06/2016 13:32

Don't slide back into things, OP, even if he seems to get enthusiastic about kids eventually. I can promise you sometime in the middle of the night when you're physically and mentally at your lowest ebb, he'll throw it back at you that he never wanted them and somehow more of the responsbility will be yours. Don't let that happen to you. You deserve to have kids with someone who will be as committed to them as you are. Flowers

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 02/06/2016 13:33

I've been in a very similar situation OP. Men like this never change. Beware as well that they can often decide in 5-15 years time that actually they DO want kids and disappear off with a younger model anyway... Don't put all of your eggs in his basket.

You can do it alone - agreed, do your training and driving before you think harder on this. I suspect you have friends who would be supportive, even if you don't have family? It is tough doing it solo and particularly without a mother, but it is do-able - I promise. Don't give up on it just because it is the harder option, as it is also very hugely fulfilling having a child in ways it is hard to explain. Besides, you were living for/with a man-child before, a real baby who actually can't do anything for themselves (rather than just being selfish) should be a doddle! Wink

Topseyt · 02/06/2016 13:33

Sounds like a fair plan, OP. I wish you luck for the future.

clarrrp · 02/06/2016 13:38

It's perhaps not much consolation, but once upon a time I married a guy i thought wanted the same things I did - primarily more kids (i already had one and really wanted a big family) he actually said that's what he wanted.

Then one day out of the blue he announced that he didn't want them.

Long story short, after two years of arguments and bitterness and simply not being able to get past it - i couldn't believe that he had just made that decision for both of us with no consultation at all - he wouldn't even talk to me about it - and he didn't understand why I was so hurt and angry that I'd basically wasted all those years with someone who had basically been lying to me.

It was a big reason we got divorced - in part because it showed how many other issues there were in our relationship and other problems that were stemming from it.

I'm now divorce and will probably never have any more kids and yeah, I do still resent him for that. I feel that he took somethign away from me. What really hurt though was after we separated his brother and sil had a baby and he went all broody and talked endlessly to everyone about how great kids were and how he'd love one one day.

Asshole.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2016 13:41

Good plan, Raar.

'but at the end of the day this guy has tricked you into this marriage with the hope of having children. He has never said no before, so you trusted you would be parents together. Now he goes back on that promise. '

This is what would kill it for me. After I divorced my ex, I was very upfront about wanting kids. Anyone who wavered, said, 'Maybe in a few years,' or 'when I'm ready' I dumped immediately.

He mislead you. You can't trust him.

And yes, even if you don't meet someone to have kids with, do you really want to spend it with a man who does this, not to mention doesn't support you, throws a strop when you get upset, is only happy if you're pretending you're happy and has to the centre of attention all the time?

Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 02/06/2016 15:51

Just had a long conversation with my mum's best friend. I feel a lot better now. One step at time, towards what I want. Keep my focus.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/06/2016 15:57

Glad you have RL support.
You can't beat having a good chin-wag with friends and family.
A problem halved... and all that!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/06/2016 15:59

Seriously, being a single parent would be much easier than having a child with this narcissist.

PirateFairy45 · 02/06/2016 16:04

Having children is a deal breaker.

OnGoldenPond · 02/06/2016 18:08

I was almost on the other side of this.

DH always wanted children, made it clear from early days of our relationship. I was in the camp of , yes I think I want them someday but not now.

Roll on a few years and i was early 30s. Was still saying "not yet". DH gave me the ultimatum, if we did not get on with it now, he was going to seriously consider having DC with someone else. So we had DD when I was 33, DS at 35.

I felt for a long time I had been pushed into it, but do you know what? I love my DC more than anything in the world and also glad I didn't miss the chance to have them. I now think DH was quite right to say what he did- he did have a right to have DC if he wanted and, if I really hadn't wanted them I would have called it a day.

As it turns out, I started the menopause prematurely at age 40 so without the push from DH we would not have had our beautiful children.

OP, you have every right to pursue your dream of having DC. You have been honest with your DH from the first and he has been stalling you. He has made his decision, you are quite justified in leaving. This is too big a thing for you to compromise on.

Be happy Flowers

septembersunshine · 02/06/2016 18:39

I'm sorry for you op. Just that. I don't think you should lose sight of your dream to be a mummy. And, for the record, I think you sound very strong and would make a great single mum (if you decided on sperm donation or another way - just do it!!). Just don't let your life get swallowed up by him. Sounds like he knows what strings to pull, words to say, ways to woo you back. He sounds manipulative and selfish. Be on your guard and make sure that this doesn't drag on too long. Cut him loose and go it alone if the marriage is gone.

Terramirabilis · 02/06/2016 20:32

I'm very happy Raar that you've been able to make a plan and it sounds like you are well able to execute it. Good luck!

RaeSkywalker · 02/06/2016 21:35

Good luck Raar, sounds like a sensible plan 🍀

whirlygirly · 02/06/2016 21:45

Good luck, you brave lady, I'm in awe of your decisiveness. Totally the right thing. There can never be a compromise when you both feel so strongly.

He sounds like a potentially shit dad fwiw Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/06/2016 22:22

Have you managed to stop yourself putting his emotions first and generally managing his moods? That's probably your danger area for getting sucked back in instead of detaching.

SandyY2K · 03/06/2016 00:07

Just in case of the future going either way I suggest you look into freezing your eggs while you are still ovulating.

FixItUpChappie · 03/06/2016 00:18

This horrible situation has at least given you the gift of clarity. You know what you really want most OP - don't let the chance slip by Cake

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 03/06/2016 00:20

Hi OP
I am really sorry you are in this situation. Just wanted to add three things

  1. Had my third at 42 so it isn't a done deal that you'll be childless
  2. Know of two friends who met Mr Right at 40 and went on to have a family
  3. You know having a child with your DH when he is averse will never work: he will always throw it back in your face and you will end up being the primary care giver and then some. It is not worth the pain my love.

Wishing you well with your driving test Shamrock and hoping your plans and dreams come to fruition. Hang in there x

Lilacpink40 · 03/06/2016 00:22

Sandy's idea of freezing eggs sounds like a good idea. I don't know the practicalities but bet there are clinics around that could advise you. Flowers

RomComPhooey · 03/06/2016 06:06

You need proper fertility advice really. I recall reading somewhere that frozen eggs are less robust than frozen embryos and thst egg freezing, whilst often touted as an ace insurance policy isn't as ace as you might think. You need professional, expert advice about your options so you can make an informed decision.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2016 11:28

'I recall reading somewhere that frozen eggs are less robust than frozen embryos and thst egg freezing, '

This is true. They are very delicate. I'd see a specialist, use his money to pay for it Grin.