Brave Babes Battle Bus

[Halleberry]

New thread girlies as the other was about to run out ... Hope you all find this one xxx

Oh and a top over the bikini top, obviously. Nobody needs to see me clad only in a bikini top... Nobody ever...

Ok did I say 2 pints? I obviously meant 4

Been a lovely day. All 3 dcs here, plus dd2's bf, and my mum and brother. A fiercely fought table tennis tournament in the garden, then it was out with the bow and arrow and nerf guns to shoot at cans. The men played a football board game and I lazed about. Had a couple of glasses of wine but found I was able to stop easily and have had a cup of tea. Been nice.
wry your dog is beautiful!

The sun finally arrived today, typical when the kids are back at school tomorrow. We had quite a nice day tidying the garden up though.

I'm back to day 1. I had half a bottle of wine last night. I wasn't going to, I got to past ten and was tired and hungry waiting for a takeaway. I should have just got something to eat and left H to it but I ended up having wine to take the edge of. So stupid and the takeaway wasn't that great either!

ma and fading, glad you had such lovely days. I am feeling rotten. Horse was a good girl, but dog is a pain in the bum. Got work tomorrow, want to cry at the thought of it.

Sounds like everybody's been making the most of the sunshine today (not at all jealous )

lala hope you're ok. Is it work in general or the thought of going back after some time off? (Would say after your holiday, but think it's been too shit to count as that!). Any further with the police? Xxx

Survived 13 hours at work on about an hours sleep...actually apart from struggling this morning it wasn't too bad. Last night was pretty horrible, thought my sleep had improved a bit on AF nights but clearly not. Im tired now though so hopefully tonight will be better. This is day 2...on a night shift tomorrow so if I avoid my lunchtime wine tomorrow could be day 3...either way no chance to go mad until Wednesday. But can't think that far ahead.

Anyway I'm going to try and sleep, night all x

Oh and my very sweet elderly neighbour often gives me bits from her garden...she gave me a little rose cutting yesterday, which when I came back tonight had turned into this beauty!

That's lovely Elba . And an amazing colour. Hope you are feeling a bit better and hope you get some sleep tonight - your shift sounds exhausting.

I'm sorry not to NC all but about to go to sleep now so just checking in. Been lazing in the garden today reading. Just finished Purity by Jonathan Franzen and before that A Little Life and was sick of depressing introspective characters so am now reading Man at the Helm by Nina Stibbe which is hilarious (despite being about kids living with an addict mother - am hoping it doesn't get dark later on!) Halle what are you reading? Have you thought about book club any more?

Not been drinking apart from last week when I went out for a meal and drank wine as I'd just had my contract foreshortened. Even when WB was drinking last night, I was OK. Have discovered licorice tea which is great.

All the dogs and ponies and sunshine tales on here today are very cheering. I would be so much happier if it were sunny all the time. But I would never do any housework or cooking or work or anything really as I think it is actually a crime to be indoors on a nice day. I will find it hard to drag myself into the office tomorrow.

Am not going to be around much this next month as working away for most of it, so sending lots of love and support - I will try to keep up but might not be posting much as going to be doing crazy hours and will be away. I will find you when I get back though!

elba just dreading it in general. Well done for getting through your day and that rose is beautiful.

Here, have a picture of a horse...

Lovely to hear from you hope and I'm glad that you took some time out to relax and read. I'm reading The Year of the Runaways which I'm finding fascinating.

I also love licorice tea and if you like that you might also like licorice & peppermint which is another favourite. Also Pukka detox tea.

I've been away with DH and we had such a great time. Lots of laughs and generally just sitting about in pavement cafes watching the world go by. Very relaxing but we both regained a few pounds. How does it go back on so quickly?

Anyway, back to 'sort of normal' today so will get right back on it.

Today is Monday. Most people are ready for an AF day on a Monday, so who's in? It's just one day. Plan for it, prepare for it, avoid triggers, get alternative drinks ready, eat a decent meal and go to bed early with a good book. Those are my strategies anyway

Just for today.

hope I've been dipping in and out of A Little Life since September, but can't seem to settle into reading it properly. Find it too intense if that makes sense, but can't leave it completely either.

Hi faire glad you had a good holiday, good to here from you.

lala you're horse is gorgeous...very jealous of your lovely animals! X

Two days not drinking and I feel hungover (not fair!) and anxious, different anxiety though to drinking anxiety. Now debating a glass of wine then a sleep, not because I want to but because I don't know how I will manage work tonight if this feeling stays. But that's defiantly 'needing' to drink not wanting to, which is not good. Not sure, if I don't then today will be day 3 and maybe I can keep going.

You can do it Elba. Read a book, take a relaxing bubble bath have a hot chocolate and a nap. Day 3 is hard but you can make it....

Faire bought some licorice and peppermint tea on way to work. Keeping me off the endless coffees . Have had Pukka detox before too ... I do like it though it's detox powers may waver in the face of my unhealthy lifestyle

Lovely horse Lala. I desperately wanted a pony growing up. I was one of those little girls with all the posters and pony books, stuck in the suburbs and only able to afford one riding lesson a week. In the end I gave up pestering my parents when I was 12 and got pocket money instead of riding lessons which I frittered away on Blondie records, nail polish and Top Shop tat. Still feel wistful every time I see ponies in a field though....

Had the wine and don't feel any better for it. Have to get ready for work but just want to curl up and cry, so tired of this.

Sorry. Hope everyone's ok. Have a nice evening babes

Day 2 done, and day 5 of the Shred.

I'm not sure why I really count days when I'm not intending to never drink again so rarely get past four. That said if I didn't count I suspect I'd fall back into drinking daily I'd like to drink less than 10 units a week but so I've been averaging 20 (was about 35 a few years ago) so still a way to go.

Hi all, didn't manage an AF yesterday but only has one drink with a meal. Aiming for AF today. Going on holiday on Sunday and am up to my ears in ironing!!

Elba you have to keep chipping away at it. You've come so far, you can't go back to drinking mindlessly; that's not possible for you any more, that ship has sailed. And that's a good thing.

Now just concentrate on one day at a time. If you're going to drink, focus on keeping the units as low as you can. You'll get through this. It's making you so miserable but you won't feel like this forever.

You've done so well, just keep doing it. Are you planning on an AF day today? If so, use all the strategies we talk about here. If you can't sleep, try downloading some mindfulness apps or even hypnotherapy type ones. I don't use them but I know others have and will be able to give you suggestions if you want them.

Well done fading, me too. I don't count days but then every day is Day 1 really isn't it as it's the only day that matters.

elba try the Andrew Johnson app it's great for getting you off to sleep. I also love Headspace which you can try for free

Hello lovely bus ladies. My phone has been playing funny buggers for 2 days, so I launched it off the wall last night. And guess what?!! It's worked fine ever since lol. Hope you're all well. Elba hunni how are you doing? Im super proud of myself. Yesterday I managed to take just 3 valium, 2 Dihydrocodiene, and kne sleeping
Pill before bed! That's less than half what I have been taking to replace alcohol and haven't drank since Sunday,and I got to a stage I felt unwell and left the bbq AND my FULL bottle of wine for everyone else to share lol. I was angry at myself last night for it ha ha but im
Over it now. Right elba where are you?? Keeping tabs on you iam lol. I know you know you're not gaining anything from drink now. One day you will get there. I promise. One day you will
Look at the bottle and think "I am fucking sick to death of you" and bin the shit! Ive managed well lately
To either not drink or to stop and go to bed before I get to wasted. I was focusing on my self and my mind and body on Sunday when I was drinking Aswell. I was ok with the first few and felt nice and kinda "giddy" then the more I drank i noticed my eyes becoming narrow and inable to focus properly. And the more I conventrated on It the more horrible it felt because no matter what I done I could not focus. It was to late as the alcohol was already in my system so I sort of panicked a bit. I had a coca cola as I nibbled my burger then came the onset of what felt like a hangover ALREADY (this was all in the space of like 3/4 hours) and I said to my husband lets go home. I went home and jumped straight into bed. It was only like 8:30 or something lol. Now I was one of only 3 people actually drinkin at this bbq as everyone else was either driving or working but I noticed what a good laugh they were having (without so much as a sip) and I was so angry at myself for drinking cause it just made me feel like shit
And coming home early. Inevitably ruining it for my husband who wanted to stay but he couldn't as he was driving and I really needed to get home. It's like I know it makes me feel awful
But I still cabe to
It. However it's getting less and less and the fact I took less than half my usual doze of tablets is a
Miracle. Love to all and here's to another AF day

Good morning my lovelies.

I have been reading avidly as always but have not been feeling great due to losing a friend.

One of my oldest and dearest friends died last week, those of you in Scotland may have seen it on the news, she fell from a cliff while out walking with her hubby. The area of ground fell away and she fell 100 ft to her death and he has a broken back. She was 44, very beautiful, charismatic and fearless. We grew up together, went through all the big stuff, weddings, babies, divorce and remained great friends.

I cried for days, for her, her beautiful daughter, her poor Mum and Sister and for myself because the world seems smaller without her fabulous presence.

The hardest part is that during my bipolar breakdown she never gave up on me despite her being in Aberdeen and me in Glasgow, she kept calling, kept texting despite getting nothing back. I was utterly lost then and missed time with her, wasted time.

I keep thinking about the tragedy of it all, losing a life in such a random and tragic way and I suddenly thought drinking myself to death would have been equally tragic if I kept going. Some people don't have a choice on how they leave this world and we do!!!

I have also thought about my own life, my friend travelled the world, lived her fully and was a keep fit fanatic. She never wasted a minute and died doing what she loved most of all, walking with her hubby and their dog.

When I think of the great privilege we have of still roaming this earth I can't help feeling sad that my life is at the moment is repetitive, safe and if I'm honest mundane. I love my sobriety but I have resorted to kinda living in my sober cage, feeling at times great relief and gratefulness to be in recovery from my depression then guilty for resenting the boring, safe life I live.

She left a message on my voicemail last week on my birthday, the day before she died saying that she was really happy to know I was better and that we'd make time to spend more time getting together, sadly that time will never come....

I don't want to live a half life, I hate myself for resenting my dh and kids at the moment, it's like everything is the same but different, I want to honour her by making my life rich and full but I honestly have no idea how....

It also makes me think of all of you and the challenges I know you all face and their horrible tough ones but losing ourselves in drink seems such a waste of the lovely, kind personalities I see on here.

I'm sorry for rambling, her death has hit me hard but I know for a fact she would say "fix your mascara and get out there, the show must go on" coz that's exactly what she would do.

I hope we can all find our way to making the show go on and to damn well enjoy the ride.

Love to all xxx

Faire thank you, and yes you're right, that ship has sailed, and it is definitely a good thing. But I think it's also what makes this so relentless and tiring.

There is no break. I'm either drinking and trying to moderate it (can't do it), drinking to pass out, not drinking (but thinking about it constantly), or hungover (do I risk not drinking and then not sleeping due to anxiety, or do I have another drink which my paranoid mind says will tip me into liver failure...), wondering is the anxiety actually a medically significant withdrawal symptom or is it just me being anxious (and therefore making myself more anxious) , etc etc etc...

sober I keep meaning to download headspace so will definatly give it a go, ditto for Andrew Johnson.

halle you are doing brilliantly! You're right that there is nothing to be gained from alcohol, I'm starting to see that but it's hard. Thank you for all your support.

I am drinking today (now...on nights) but will aim AF tomorrow. Love to everyone, and thank you xxx

Oh baby just seen your post. Im so very sorry.

She sounds absolutely amazing and clearly such a good friend to you (and, knowing how giving you are on here, you must of been an amazing friend to her).

You need to protect yourself at the moment; you are keeping yourself well and sober, and that is such a huge huge thing, not only for you but for your family. Please dont beat yourself up for that.

You are using your experiences, kindness and empathy to help others on here (your post to me the other night helped me more than you know), and when you feel strong enough maybe you can transfer that into something in real life. Look up 'time to change champion' as one possible example. A while back I remember thinking you would make an amazing counsellor as you just showed me so much understanding and insight. That's an amazing quality to have. I'm not saying you should do any of these things, just asking you not to underestimate yourself and the impact you have on others, even 'Internet strangers'.

Youve sent so many hugs my way, and I want to send a massive one back to you. You are truly amazing, inspirational and just so genuinely kind. Xxxxx

baby just seen your post and I have tears in my eyes. What an absolute tragedy, I am so so sorry for your loss. And what an awful, sudden, way to go. What is the prognosis for her dh?

You hit the nail on the head about living life to the full, when something tragic like this happens it's a real eye opener and naturally, it's makes you assess your own life. What you have done baby by becoming sober is afforded yourself the chance to truely live your life to the fullest - yes maybe right now it's a sober cage, but that'll pass in time - and one day you'll look around and you'll be living the life your friend would have wanted you too. And that will be as a direct result of you being sober - so please don't feel down and don't underestimate what an incredible thing it is that you have done. You should feel proud of yourself.

Be kind to yourself now, cry, shout, scream - then, as your friend would have wanted, stand up tall, dust yourself off and carry on. I wish I could jump through my phone and hug you I really do

Babyjane

What a very sad tragedy, and such a shock.

She was clearly full of life. And I bet she would be 200% wanting you to take her too-soon passing as a lesson in finding the strength to live your life with strength and vigour.

Big hugs to you

baby

My dear, dear friend. Sending you a big bosie. I read about your friend in the P&J, so utterly tragic, she was a beautiful looking lass and now reading your post I know she was just as beautiful on the inside.

There are no words, you read about this sort of thing happening but never think it would happen up here.

You say you need to make your life a little richer and fuller? My darling you have been doing just that by living your life the way you have recently. You make my life a little richer every time I see you on our bus.

Keep looking between the ears my lovely lass, thinking of you, xx

Oh Baby, so sorry xxx