Brave Babes Battle Bus

[Halleberry]

New thread girlies as the other was about to run out ... Hope you all find this one xxx

I'm above Halle was doing really well and then work kicked off and DP has been hard work. So it crept up again

I hate the feeling the next day, like I'm poisoned. Upset stomach, banging head. I sleep better after a few AF days. I feel less tired. But somehow I can't get past a week. It's soooo frustrating

lala re the drinking twins thing...I totally agree. I know you've had a drink today and it's too late for me too, but do you fancy joining me in an attempt at an AF Saturday and Sunday?? Maybe we can use our similarities as a positive and try and support each other not to drink? Hope you and pup are enjoying your walk.

Won't be able to keep seeing nhs counsellor...I have one official session left but I'm lucky that she has said she will try and extend further untill I'm set up somewhere for the long term so I'm not left on my own. There just isn't enough funding sadly, I'm very lucky to have had as much time as I did with her.

Anyway, have managed to get showered and dressed, next challenge is to make something to eat.

halle you have just summed it up. Hate feeling drunk, actually massively hate it, and you described it so well. I am a terrible drunk at the best of times, I either get shouty or really morbid. rarity I completely understand as well. The feeling when you have had an AF eve and wake up clear headed is so amazing. I wake up on those days and wonder why the hell I am poisoning myself with this stuff.

elba my lovely, please stay strong!!! Here for you, ok?

In other news, took pup for a walk, and she did the biggest poo known to man, I struggled to contain it on the poo bag. How does something so small produce something massive?! Prob for the best I don't have children, although this is good practice.

Have a pic of my naughty little puppy...

And yes elba, if we are drinking twins, we can be sober twins as well, right?

What are you having to eat? I need inspiration... So far it's looking like chicken, bacon and pesto gnocchi... With broccoli. What a strange combo! Xx

Although elba I am now tempted to instigate the 'what would you fancy to eat' question... No expense spared, I would have sirloin steak with pepper sauce, frites, and green beans in a garlic and herb sauce. Oh and prosecco. Failing that, I shall stick to my gnocchi. Or eat the puppy's food, that definitely looks more exciting

Be kind to
Yourselfs. Whatever you would spend on drink this weekend, put it by and go out for a meal on Sunday night and have that juicy steak. Ps. Going for a meal alone can be really nice by the way xx but you will be able to afford it with what you save if you are AF tonight tomorro and Sunday xxxx

True halle. I am trying to call the police station to find out when the fucker (scuse my language) is coming to get his stuff. All the numbers are ringing out or 'aren't recognised'. It is very unreasonable of me to call 101 to get the police station's number, isn't it?

Sorry I just feel so uneasy with his stuff in my house. Knowing that at any time he could turn up. Even though he is supposed to have a police escort....

lala thank you lovely xxx My food so far is not very inspiring...toast! But all the talk of steak is making me think I'm still hungry and should really try and make something more nutritious. I personally would go for a fillet steak, must be blue and bloody, or some rare roast lamb with mash and mint sauce. Might make my famous spicy 'hangover soup' later...tomato, chilli and lime, very popular in my student days!

Pup is gorgeous...must be a lovely little companion. Would love a dog but sadly not possible with my hours.

halle you are so right....it's really not a good feeling being drunk. This whole drinking thing is pointless really isn't it?

Going to go for a sober weekend, I'm working Sunday anyway which makes it a bit easier. Tonight I'm drinking though.

Hope everyone else is ok, wry hope work has been at least tolerable. Sorry it's so difficult, makes me so angry that people think they have the right to make someone's else's working life miserable. Kind of shows a guilty conscious to me though, so I hope you can at least take some kind of solace in knowing you are the one in the right. Doesn't make it any easier though I know xxx

lala totally reasonable to phone 101. Just a thought but if you can get to a police station is there any way you could just leave his stuff there? If you need advice about it though the women's aid helpline would be able to point you in the right direction.

Ok so definitely fillet steak, blue... Actually would kill for that right now... Pupster is a little legend, she is so chilled and cool, and I love her so so so much. I admit, there were many head in hands moments when I first got her, but she is my first dog, I am trying to do everything rift by her.

She has got me over my anxiety (sort of), as she must be walked, obviously. She has taken precedence over my poor horse, who is luckily on full livery, so she won't miss me for a week or two...

Just tried to ring the police station, no answer. Freaking out that he is around and might come and find us. I know that sounds silly.

Thanks elba think I will ring women's aid. Although just feeling I am massively wasting their time..

Can't you google the name of the police station and the number will
Come up On Google? Xxxx

I did. It didn't come up, or at least a number that worked didn't come up. Rang 101 (and yes felt like a loser for wasting police time), they gave me the number. Rang them, no answer. It's all a bit awful

lala have you tried the woman's aid helpline yet? They will be able to give you advice, just try it, you're not wasting anyone's time xxx

I'm getting drunk, still going to try and have a sober weekend though, just need to not give myself so much of a hangover that I'm too anxious not to drink. So stupid.

Been going through a list in my head of people I really want to confide in... Friend one has a parent who is newly diagnosed with terminal (metastatic) cancer, friend two is very pregnant with twins and also has big family issues going on, relative that I would speak to has huge work things going on...can't burden any of them, and no one else I trust or feel comfortable talking to. Just want a huge real life hug, I'm not going through half as much as any of them though just being really self pitying (someone give me a friendly slap please!).

And now having massive panic attack, drinking usually sorts it, it's not...hate how drunk I feel but no way out but to drink more. Can't be anywhere but sat on my bed been here most th day. Fucks sake, going round and round in circles. Can't do anything about it, I've drunk too much to take anything, want to text someone but no idea what to say.

So sorry babes, I'm probably putting far too much on here and it's not fair of me, just don't know what else to do xxx

Hi babes,

I'm so desperately sorry that you are all going through all this shit, I don't understand why bad things happen to good people but they do and it's so unfair.

elba there comes a point where the medicine becomes the poison and I think your there. I ended up having a breakdown, I was drinking day and night until unconscious, I was in so much pain in my mind, being passed out was my only coping mechanism.

I'm so worried about you, I think this is less about the booze but more about the oblivion and the self harm you are doing to yourself. Drinking copious amounts of poison that will make you sick ain't much different from cutting yourself. No matter what was happening in my life, if I were your RL friend and I didn't know your current suffering, I'd bloody well want to, wouldn't you if it were the friends in question!!

I'm so worried about you, it's like watching you disintegrate and you sound so incredibly lonely.

Please get some help, your really really hurting yourself and I'm not sure how this spiral can change unless you get some help.

halle I also feel so much for you, you sound so lovely and he sounds like a shit. Keep the doors locked and record every single bit of abuse. In glad puppy is bringing you some happiness and comfort.

I really need to go but I so wanted to reach out individually to all of you so please accept much respect, empathy and hugs from me. Xxx

Elba can you pay privately to see the NHS counsellor you got on with? She may take on private patients on the side

elba just checking in to say I too am worried when I read your posts. You sound at rock bottom and so very lonely. Please seek help from someone in RL if I was your friend I would want to know regardless of whatever I was dealing with. Please take care of yourself xx

So sorry if I'm causing people to worry, I'm ok, I'm safe. I know I do need real life support though, feel like I'm on a precipice where I could let go and become very ill or keep on grasping the edge with my fingertips... I'll have to let go at some point I guess, unless I find the strength to climb.

baby thank you, you understand and sum everything up so perfectly. This is far more about self harm than drinking, I can cope with being sober but I can't cope with the feelings that go with it. Obliteration, oblivion, the need to be invisible..all reasons to drink. It's not pleasurable at all, I'm so grateful for your support and your understanding, but I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much. All along though I've felt so strongly that you 'get' me and I can't put into words how much that has meant. I wish I could give you a huge hug.

joey I've googled her and she doesn't seem to do private practice, or exist at all online...I will ask her though.

sober my lovely how are you? Thank you for posting and for your support. I don't know if this is rock bottom or not, but yes I'm so massively lonely, even with lots of people around me it's not easy to describe. Hope you are ok, how are things with you're dm?

Anyway I'm going to finish this glass and go to bed...should be far more drunk than I am. Horrible thoughts and memories creeping in though, this is exactly why I drink, still planning an AF weekend but how do I shut my brain down without wine???

Elba - don't apologise. Talk to us.

Reach out to your RL friends.

You are as worthy as the next person is for having health and happiness.

Morning elba hope you don't feel too rough today
I too drink to excess when I want to blot out painful memories or feelings and I totally get the fear when you are sober and alone with your thoughts. Can you distract with a box set or a book. I can sometimes get so caught up in other people's misery that I can forget my own
Thanks for asking about my DM she is still bat shit crazy but coping with her cancer diagnosis. When I tentatively asked my therapist if my DM could be described as narcissistic she almost fell off her chair in shock that this had never occurred to me 😀😀
My DM is a classic case apparently with a bit of arrested development thrown in.
Anyway she starts chemo soon and that will be a whole different kind of crazy trying to deal with that.
Hope everyone else is ok and sorry not to N C everyone.
Will pop back in later for some hand holding .......I am off to enjoy the sun😎😎

My lovely dog fighting sleep

Morning babes, I agree with the other elba please reach out in rl, true friends will absolutely want to give you the support and hug you so need. I hope you are ok this morning, hugs.

lala hope you are ok too, never worry about wasting police time with something like this - having it recorded and evidenced that you are concerned is vital. And to worry about your ex dp is also normal...but keep it in the forefront of your mind what he has done and threatened to do.

Off on holiday later today so likely won't be checking in for a week or so but will do my best to keep up with you all. You're often in my thoughts.

Massive hugs elba. Sorry I wasn't around last night. I got major sun burn and was in bed in pain from about 7pm. Elba your posts gebuinely are worrying, and I agree that you sound like you're at Rock bottom please don't think im
Passing judgment because im really not. Im just saying what I see from your posts. Like a pp said ... "Once your "medicine"
Becomes your "poison", it's time to fling it away! At one point drink was helping your panic attacks (drink probably helped cause them
In the first place) but then it became your clutch to deal with all those horrible feelings. Now alcohol is actually causing you to have panic attacks and like you said all you can do is keep drinking because you can't mix anti anxiety meds with alcohol (recipie
For disaster or at worst, death). So really, alcohol is no longer doing one single good thing for you. Not in the slightest. I personally do t believe you should stop instantly. Maybe im wrong but I feel like your in a bit to deep now to be trying AF days etc. And that's nothing to be ashamed of, but we don't want your poor body going into shock now do we? If I was you, Id call the emergency doctor and explain what's going on. Im sort of feeling in a similar boat to you now except it's with pills now. Ive substituted one addiction for a bloody other. I can go easily without drink, as in no shakes or tremors etc but trying not to take these tablets is probibg more difficult every day. I also don't wanna just stop and put my
Body into shock. Im lying in he bed with my wee girl who is having a nap and my skin is crawling with the need to take some and im thing so hard to resist. It's very fucking annoying!!!! Hope you take our advice elba. And hope you all manage an AF weekend xx live and hugs xxxx

That's meant to say "love" and hugs lol