Brave Babes Battle Bus

[Halleberry]

New thread girlies as the other was about to run out ... Hope you all find this one xxx

baby you do make me laugh! In a good way. Thanks for your wise words and your understanding. They mean a lot, they really do. So sorry you had to go through what you did, but you have come out so much stronger on the other side! It is an honour to hear what you have to say.

elba where are you? Check in please lovely.

In other news, I just witnessed the spectacle that is a horse eating some birthday cake! Funniest thing I have seen in ages (not mine,she is too highly strung without the extra calories), but my friend's mare had strawberry icing and edible glitter all across her face! Most amusing. Disclaimer: she only had a tiny bit. I recommended horses to those that need cheering up!

Ugh so sorry everyone (again). I'm ok, been wallowing in my bed and ignoring the world but just found a lovely message from a friend and your lovely posts which really do make such a difference.

Scary how easy I can get triggered into these stupid binges. I was completely overtired from work and if I'd not drunk on Friday I would of been home in time to get 9 hours in bed, and yesterday would of been a whole lot easier. Felt so much like the screwed up friend yesterday, lots of people I've vaguely known for years who have seen me at my worst but have now grown up with there own little families, kind of felt them looking at me sympathetically...probably not helped by me turning up slightly drunk. Also finding the whole Father's Day/ happy family type stuff hard, just feel sorry for myself really...it's pathetic self pity and a bit of jealousy which is not a good characteristic but hey.

baby my GP has tried twice to refer me to CMHT so I can see a consultant but the referrals were refused, apparently as I'm working I'm functioning, which is true to an extent. There's no funding here at all. If I go off work I know I will totally self destruct, even now I'm almost scared of my days off, so it's a catch 22... If I admit fully how bad things are, then I may not get much choice in the matter and I know what will happen.

In terms of mood disorders, I know I'm depressed but I don't think it's anything else, and I know it's very much reactive and having counselling etc is stirring so much stuff up. I am getting help though, have an assessment in a couple of weeks for a specialist charity that my counsellor referred me too. Stupidly though I'm still struggling to tell anyone in real life, even printed some info off to give a friend to tell her in a roundabout way but couldn't bring myself to give it to her. Lovely pregnant friend has invited me to stay in a couple of weeks time, considering sending her a letter about everything first just so someone knows.

I completely agree with what lala said, you are such a lovely, strong and caring person, thank you so much for all your support. It means so much xxx

lala the horse and the birthday cake made me laugh. I love horses from a distance but am highly allergic to them which is a shame, they must be lovely therapy! Hope you are ok too, sorry you're feeling so low and fed up. Thank you for being so lovely, wish I could give you a big hug too xxx

wry, pink and ma thank you for your posts last night, and sorry again for my imposing my drunk dramas on everyone. Don't know where I would be without everyone on here, your all amazing xxxx

elba don't feel as if you are imposing. We care about you, as much as strangers on the Internet can. I am having a glass of wine in the bath and hating myself for it. There really is no need for it. Had a lovely ride on my gorgeous horse, just took my little puppy for a run. Literally. She was on the long lead and ran and ran, with me on the end!let her off it for about 3 mins. She came back! Proud mummy. Knackered though as ran up and down a hill about four or five times with her. Let us know you are ok, darling.

I am feeling pretty miserable. Huh. Met a lovely guy walking his dog, and then he introduced me to his fiancée. It's never going to happen for me is it??? Going to be stuck with dogs and horses for the rest of my life... massive pity party

elba let me tell you something about judging ourself against others (I do this all the time BTW), it's all smoke and mirrors, you see them all happy and settled, they see you single, career girl, no skid marks on pants to wash (and that's the men).

My first marriage looked picture perfect a young, ambitious, dynamic couple living in a very smart house, driving a very smart car. It was a horrible, lonely bullying marriage and people were astonished when we split.

I have loads of friends who I thought were so much better at being Mothers and Wives than I, then you find out they have their own shit to deal with.

If you can get a handle on the way your feeling and get some support and closure you too could meet your "lobster" and be dealing with ungrateful kids and skiddy mark pants!! No seriously you have it all to play for, and you have a lot of people in your corner. I think your amazing xxx

halle been wondering about you all weekend, let us know your ok babe xxx

Evening all. elba jealousy is a horrid horrid feeling and impossible to control so don't feel bad. I am always jealous...even jealous at my pregnant friends, when I have a baby myself. It's been a huge factor in my anxiety today actually.

lala I so envy your horse; I love riding and used to do it a lot but haven't in years. Last time was in Mongolia (of all places!) which was spectacular and it was utterly freeing and something I am good at - it was bloody brilliant. I am considering getting lessons again as a bit of me time.

The horse eating cake story made me chuckle.

Nearly threw up in the car earlier and my diet today is shocking, and yes, I'm having wine as the anxiety was kicking my arse. Tut.

Elba

Please stop apologising. You're in a bad place. Yes, it is true that no-one can dig yourself out of it but you, but you seriously do not have to apologise for harming yourself - you are worthy of being heard and respected and cared for.

I get the feeling that apologising is a learned trait. Am I right? Obviously you are under no obligation to answer but I'm getting familiar feeling as I read your posts.

What can we do? How can we help - apart from listening here? How else can we support you? Sometimes it's hard to know what you need and other times you some people are afraid to ask.

Ask, if you can, if you feel you want to.

I just want to give you such a big hug.

X

claret you are more than welcome to come and ride my beauty. I love her. Feeling low this eve, as it is Father's Day, and I miss him. Can't help but feel like I am going to go the same way as him - liver failure...

Been rather morbid recently, I will never admit this to anyone in RL, but I have had two abortions. And not a day goes past that I don't think about them. I would have a nine year old and a three year old by now.

Sorry. Just needed to get that off my chest. I am a horrible person.

This is my gorgeous girl

Ma just read your other post about your dad

lala your horse is beautiful, and you are so not a horrible person

Thank you joey. Someone sent me a lovely pm which touched me very much. It's very difficult. Death is infinitely better but I do accept it may not seem like that to those who are mourning dads today.
Lala you are not a horrible person and those very difficult decisions would have been made foe the right reasons at the time. Please don't beat yourself up. What a difficult day many of us have had!

lala you are not alone. I've been in the same place. I'd have a 10 year old now. Haunts me every single day and made me very ill for a long while. Big big hugs lovely xxx

And your horse is so beautiful xx

Oh ma, xx

Oh Lala

I'm sorry you regret your abortion choices: those choices do not make you a horrible person.

It's not an easy choice, and I personally believe it is a brave one to make.

I would have a 20 year old this coming November. It is only in recent years that I haven't thought about it.

It's ok to feel sad that circumstances were not how they needed to be for you to have made a different decision but please don't let that define you as being 'horrible'.

It does not define your whole being. We are all multifacted and complicated beings. You did the best that you could in the circumstances you were experiencing.

Think we all need a virtual group hug tonight

lala you are absolutely not a horrible person. These decisions are so complex and are made for very real reasons. From when you've said before about your Dad he sounds like he was so lovely, and I'm not surprised your sad and missing him tonight. Please try not to panic about the liver stuff, so much is reversible to a point, but for you and me both its working out a way to control things that's the difficult part. I have no doubt that we could both be happy and healthy if we could get a handle on our drinking- maybe we can work out a way to beat this together??

baby I could live without the skid marks but your right about the smoke and mirrors, everyone has so much more to deal with than we realise most of the time.

pink thank you. Yes you're probably right about the apologising. I don't know what else people can do to help, listening here is making such a huge difference. Literally such a huge massive difference- I'm actually very closed and private in real life, and surprise myself by how much I feel I can say here. Thank you so so much for your support xxx

Today was the first Father's Day I didn't send a card. Previous years I have spent ages looking for the most bland card possible, no statements on 'the worlds greatest dad' etc as it isn't true. He is probably the main reason I'm like I am, and not sending a card feels like a rebellion...it should of made me feel free in some way but I feel massively guilty as there is a chance he won't be here by next year.

I haven't seen him for six months, but am having the guilt laid on to me for abandoning an ill old man. I don't ever want to see him again, he repulses me and makes me want to shrink into myself and disappear. But im not strong enough to make that break.

Thanks girls, feeling horrendous now

lala I'm around for a bit, keep posting If you want. So sorry and sending you huge hugs xxx

I'm about too.

Can't sleep - shitty day with shitty manipulation tactics from ExP

pink so sorry, wish I had some wise words for you. I can only say I'm thinking of you, and you sound like such a lovely mum to your little girl. I really hope you manage to get some sleep ️️xxx

lala are you ok?

Yeah I am done

lala let us know how you are lovely

Morning all,

pink I really feel for you with a court date looming. At the risk of being sexist I think we all know that a child is almost always better with Mum because that's usually where they feel most secure. Despite struggling with a broken heart you have given brilliant solid advice to our lovely babes struggling so that clearly shows everyone what a lovely lady you are.

I'm sure your ex's strategy is to punish you for your strength and in reality could he actually care for your child and would he even want to? Or is is to hurt you? I think so.

Keep strong, be fabulous and use this bus to vent or confide in any way you need to. I hope you can contradict any behaviour he thinks you will resort to under this ridiculous pressure. Enjoy your girl and know we're willing you strength every day xxx

elba as always I'm rooting for you and believe in you. Whatever terrible thing that has happened to you or terrible person who done it, every moment you continue to live in fear, that event of person has power over you. Do not let them, they're not suffering because of it, you've suffered enough.

I was thinking could you maybe book a holiday to maybe a retreat, yoga centre, health spa. Somewhere where the foxus is on your wellbeing and contentment whether you like it or not!!! Hugs my friend.

lala it is indeed s very tough time for you. I feel I know you well enough to know that any decisions regarding the past were the right ones at that time. We all have deep, shameful regrets, secrets that haunt us and drink pushes away if only for a while.

The future is fluid, change is possible, goals are achievable. We are the masters of our own destiny but the past is done, stagnant and hard, it cannot ever be rewritten and it's only purpose is to teach us better ways of having a better future. It had no place or power anymore. It is gone and you are here. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? You sound way too much fun to be so alone, I think in RL we'd be good friends (nothing to do with you having a horse) neeeeigggh chance xxxxx

Afternoon all,

Sorry it's been a fiendishly busy weekend (but not busy enough to stop me fitting in two bottles of wine . I'm back on day one, and only staying here by the skin of my teeth thanks to a whiny dog ("Walk me") and a well-timed "would you like a tea?" from DH, when I was contemplating a glass of wine. And now, I log in, and there's a post from Fox on Friday - yet more synchronicity!

So pleased to see you back, Fox (yes I did mean you), I'm only just back myself, and boy does your description of your drinking ring bells! I made it to day three last week, well done on five.

Ma that is so lovely to read - your testimonial - makes it worthwhile doesn't it; now if only testimonials paid the rent.

Wry I am very careful not to get the lawn in the frame - SweetDog has dug so many holes he even forgets and falls in them himself sometimes . Nice new bad linen, what a treat, you deserve it (and more knickers if you want ).

Elba I understand what you mean about not wanting to take time off for fear you'd implode; I kept going and going drinking more and more, becoming more and more depressed until one day I just couldn't keep going any more . . . I ended up off work for almost five months.

Lala "Going to be stuck with dogs and horses for the rest of my life... " I have a lovely DH, and honestly, there are still days when I think how lovely it would be to have just my own space and more dogs! You need some recovery time and space with more strawberry glitter frosting! You're horse is beautiful. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, being sad is ok, but have you thought about trying some mindfulness as a way of containing how you feel, without rejecting it?

Pink, hope you're ok today.

Claret, horse riding in Mongolia? WOW! Just, WOW!!

Baby I get enough terrible puns from DS!

Still thinking about a glass of wine, but we're going to the theatre (again) tonight, so I had better get on and offer to drive.

Hey babes. Sorry for my morbid messages last night. Been feeling like absolutely shite all day. Had to have a Valium to stop the shaking and anxiety, and I haven't had one for ages... Not good. At least that means I can't drink tonight, which is one good thing.

sweet, I did download a mindfulness app a while ago, but never ended up doing it. How does it work? Thanks for the suggestion.

baby, you always cheer me up with your lovely comments and heartfelt advice. I am sure we would be great friends as well, and if we were, I'd even let you ride the horse!

claret, hope your hangover wasn't too bad yesterday and you are anxiety free!

pink - lots of and for you. You seem like such a strong person, and other babes have made a good point about your manipulative ex...

elba how are you, lovely?

As always, thanks for the support, it is so kind and generous of you, and is keeping me going at the moment. Don't really have many people to talk to in RL, thanks to the bastard ex, and it really seems too personal (iyswim) to confide in anyone at the moment, except of course, complete strangers on the Internet

Going to go for a walk with pup, make something nice for dinner, then have a bath and get an early AF night, can't remember the last time I had one

How is everyone holding up? Xxx