Am I right to text this woman?

[deutschland83]

Work colleague of DHs, unsolicited messages on his phone. Late night texts when's she's out. Latest is a picture of underwear laid out.

I want to tell her to fuck off.

Should I?

He doesn't know I have seen them.

Apologies. This thread moved very quickly!

Hi, I have been there. Over time (a long time) you will go thru all 5 stages of grief - not always in sequence, frequently all at the same time or ricocheting between each within seconds. You are undoubtably very strong - but this will be like bomb going off under your family. This short book below tells your DH what he needs to do to restore a relationship with you - even if you separate.

www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

The Five Stage of Grief

The night I lost you
someone pointed me towards
the Five Stages of Grief
Go that way, they said,
it's easy, like learning to climb
stairs after the amputation.
And so I climbed.
Denial was first.
I sat down at breakfast
carefully setting the table
for two. I passed you the toast---
you sat there. I passed
you the paper---you hid
behind it.
Anger seemed so familiar.
I burned the toast, snatched
the paper and read the headlines myself.
But they mentioned your departure,
and so I moved on to
Bargaining. What could I exchange
for you? The silence
after storms? My typing fingers?
Before I could decide, Depression
came puffing up, a poor relation
its suitcase tied together
with string. In the suitcase
were bandages for the eyes
and bottles sleep. I slid
all the way down the stairs
feeling nothing.
And all the time Hope
flashed on and off
in detective neon.
Hope was a signpost pointing
straight in the air.
Hope was my uncle's middle name,
he died of it.
After a year I am still climbing, though my feet slip
on your stone face.
The treeline
has long since disappeared;
green is a color
I have forgotten.
But now I see what I am climbing
towards: Acceptance
written in capital letters,
a special headline:
Acceptance
its name is in lights.
I struggle on,
waving and shouting.
Below, my whole life spreads its surf,
all the landscapes I've ever known
or dreamed of. Below
a fish jumps: the pulse
in your neck.
Acceptance. I finally
reach it.
But something is wrong.
Grief is a circular staircse.
I have lost you.

Twelve months after my husband left I nod more wisely on reading this text on the stages of grief. It's hell. It's powerful. And the bargaining stage made me laugh out loud nervously at the time; its so true. Now, I am in a much better place and I remain confident that you will be too. I am sending you all the comfort and the support I can frpm France.

You deserve so much better!

Good luck in everything OP be strong and keep your head up xxxxx

You are amazing.

Wishing you the very best as you work out the path through this. X

Anyone about? I've properly lost my way today.

So much on my mind.

I can't seem to lose sight of the facts and want some serious answers. I have no idea why he did it. He has no response.

Apology after apology. He's shocked by my level of anger. I want him gone for space but that's not possible.

My life is upside down.

Why's it not possible for him to go elsewhere for a while?

He's got no response because anything he might say will make you angrier.

Kids, work commitments, travel with work this week.

I can see every message, phone bill and picture in my head.

Can you go and run, cycle or whack the living shit out of a tennis or squash ball? You need to expend some justifiable rage don't you? Your house must be a pressure cooker.

I have nothing to add except I'm rooting for you OP.

Sorry I have rtft but can't remember: do you have anyone around who could help you with kids or do anything to facilitate you getting some space?

I think he can fuck right off with his shock, you're entitled to be angry.
I suspect he's shocked you haven't just gotten over it yet and suddenly scared at the consequences.

I'm so sorry deutsch .

sorry that it's all just going round and round in your head - that's totally natural and it's going to take a while to come to terms with.

He probably thinks if he tells you more you'll be even angrier. Whereas actually you've got what he's done in your head and the fact that he won't talk to you which makes it even worse and lets you imagine the worst too.

If you want answers and he's not talking to you, is there any chance you could book some emergency couples counselling perhaps?

and virtual hand hold. When you are at home, in the evening after work or whatever, can you kick him out of the house? He's an adult. I'm sure he can find something or the other to fill a few hours. (Like texting another woman because he's wife has too much on her plate for instance )

You really need space to process your emotions without him there. His very presence is probably boiling your blood right now. This is so tough especially with young kids because you can't act on your first instincts which is to dump his sorry ass. How are your kids? Wishing you strength.

I agree, he probably was just playing the little fantasy in his head about how fanciable he is and he could just have this fantasy relationship and you'd never find out...and now you have and he's not prepared for the consequences because perhaps he genuinely never thought there would be any. Sometimes people really don't set out to have affairs but just drift into inappropriate behaviour through weakness and then just don't have any answers as to why they did it. Because lots of little drifting not-choices (failure to choose not to do something) don't feel the same as consciously choosing something big. I expect it is why lots of us are overweight - lots of small givings in to temptation rather than choosing to eat an entire cake. (Sorry if that's not very coherent).

Perhaps this may well be the worst part for you - that it wasn't necessarily even a conscious choice of something he really wanted but a kind of aimless drift into the thing he's ripped your world apart over. At least you want it to be over something more worthwhile than that. But you know what? You can wait forever for answers as to the big why. There are (at least) two problems with that. Firstly, he may never know or be able to say why. And secondly, because he's lied about it, you may never get to the point where you feel as if you know all of the truth enough to make sense of it for yourself. If you're anything like me, not understanding stuff can make you crazy - but this may be one of those times when you just have to find a way to come to terms with not understanding.

Has he had an affair?

It's just texts and some random pictures and whatsapp messages. He hasn't touched her, which I completely believe.

Banter between co-workers who have known each other a long time.

It's the picture of her underwear I just don't get.

Emotional affair = just as bad. It's still deceit.

The underwear suggests more than 'just texts' - it's crossed a line.

Well it's still a betrayal ..I'm sorry you are going through this
I had similar once
What I saw was a tip of an iceberg as I found out much later ..not saying that's the same in your case but I felt so bad because I knew in my gut he wasn't telling me the truth
In any case he has had an emotional affair ?

Thanks, I feel Im minimising it then bouncing back to off the scale how bloody dare he.

I've never even sent him an underwear picture.

It's a really horrible thing to happen I know. Can you talk to a friend or anyone ?

This may be a silly comment but I've noticed your username. I don't know if you were on the thread discussing the series but I liked everyone on there. So I hope you're not who I think you are, if that makes sense.

Stupid paragraph above aside, you sound like a great person. Level headed, strong and intelligent. I can't add to what the other posters have said but I hope you get through this. Your other half is beyond reprehensible and you deserve better.

You will have wobble times. Please refer to your above posts to remind yourself you're made of strong stuff. X

The word "affair" covers a multitude of scenarios and people's responses are going to be different in each scenario. For some, an open marriage appears to work. In some cases, it will be the emotional withdrawing and giving the attention that should have been for the partner to someone else. Only you can decide where your boundaries are. But you don't have to decide that straight away - uncomfortable though it is, this bouncing between minimising and off the scale is probably the only way you'll find your level.

But it is things like the underwear - those things that "just don't make sense" - that will keep you bouncing. And guessing. And replaying all those scenarios. I think it might be necessary for him to be proactive in telling you what he intends to do to try to make amends, whether that be counselling, finding somewhere else to stay, giving you control over his phone - I don't know, whatever.