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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to text this woman?

362 replies

deutschland83 · 05/05/2016 15:19

Work colleague of DHs, unsolicited messages on his phone. Late night texts when's she's out. Latest is a picture of underwear laid out.

I want to tell her to fuck off.

Should I?

He doesn't know I have seen them.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 06/05/2016 17:37

Just good friends who you text when you're away late at night, who sends you underwear pics, who you desperately keep secret from your wife?

What a twat.

OrianaBanana · 06/05/2016 17:41

If she has just been texting him as a good friend (in the early hours) then he won't mind showing you their conversations, just to ease your mind Smile

NB good friends do not send good friends photos of their underwear. Or at least I never have, presume this is not now A Thing.

Chocolate123 · 06/05/2016 17:44

So he's turning it on you saying he didn't want to bother you at night cause you were busy?? So he contacted another woman?? Sorry I don't believe that for one minute. He's trying to get away with it now he's been found out.

hollyisalovelyname · 06/05/2016 17:47

OP I think you need to reread this thread.
There is some very sound advice on it.
Wishing you the very best.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2016 17:48

You believe him, op ?

KittyKrap · 06/05/2016 17:49

He didn't want to annoy me when he was away at night, so they chatted as friends

Please don't fall for that. I can't remember ever send my friends pictures of my knickers.

CantFeelMyFace · 06/05/2016 17:55

Oh, OP. Read your assessment of yourself as wife and mother higher up this thread. And then, your last post. You've been under pressure and he didn't want to annoy you so confided in a 'good friend', a not so subtle attempt to make it your fault. I truly hope you don't start believing this rubbish. Please take a long hard look at everything this guy says, it just doesn't add up.

DarrenHardysDrongo · 06/05/2016 17:57

How dare he say that! He's lying OP.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 06/05/2016 18:05

I have a male work friend who I text when I need too, we also chat and sometimes meet for coffee. He is a good friend.

I have never texted him in the middle of the night, have never sent him a picture of my underwear and never feel the need to hide any aspect of our friendship from DH.

See the difference?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/05/2016 18:09

That's the weakest lie. He just wanted to make it look like he'd come clean so you'd stop digging. And he didn't even manage to create a lie that didn't blame you.

I know your instinct will be to believe him and smooth this over because God sometimes ignorance in bliss and you don't need the additional stress, but please don't let him bulldoze over you.

cozietoesie · 06/05/2016 18:10

What did you say, OP? 15 times between 1.30am and 1.50 am?

hareinthemoon · 06/05/2016 18:11

I guess that might be true, deutsch.

But it's also The Script Sad

MummyRocketButterfly · 06/05/2016 18:14

You need to see his replies then hun, sounds very very fishy to me! If you can't txt your DW or DH while away because you thinking your "bugging" at them then don't txt..... Simple!
Do you believe him OP?? Xx

Becky546 · 06/05/2016 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis · 06/05/2016 18:22

You know he's lying to you OP.

HuskyLover1 · 06/05/2016 18:34

Ask him if he'd be OK, with you sending a male colleague a photo of your knickers.

Original poster
deutschland83 · 06/05/2016 18:38

I will not report this to work, it's so easily manipulated to make DH look horrendous in all lights.

In the same way as I will no longer text her, I will not encourage any sort of work repercussions.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 06/05/2016 18:42

I dont believe him. But i don't know him. I do know cheaters and they wont own up to anything unless confronted with hard evidence that cannot possibly be explained away.

However, i have sent friends pictures of me in my underwear. Often accidentally, sometimes to get an opinion on weight etc. But theyre female friends.

SuckingEggs · 06/05/2016 18:42

What are you going to do? He's obviously hoping you'll believe his sorry tale.

He's unbelievable!

SuckingEggs · 06/05/2016 18:44

If she was a friend, you'd have heard of her.

He didn't want to text his mates Mike, Steve or Terry, did he? Or see their boxers...

BitOutOfPractice · 06/05/2016 18:46

He's only been "honest" about what you already know though hasn't he? And only when he's been found out. There's more to it and I think tit know that.

Original poster
deutschland83 · 06/05/2016 18:51

As I said, it's all too raw. No idea.

Lots of lovely comments from you all about my strength, my level headed approach (perhaps not the first few posts...) and my lovely children. I will be taking that with me.

She keeps appearing on my Facebook friends suggestions.

I do not believe him in any way that it's innocent. I have to weigh up this texting mess and his selfish prick behaviour.

I do believe he did not have anything physical but that's a long story. It's the emotional investment in her that I am shredded about.

He watched me fall apart last year, but chose to contact her behind my back to avoid hassling me.

I want to scream and be sick at the same time.

I will not let this shit out in front of my children though. He will not lower me to that place.

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 06/05/2016 18:52

I will not report this to work, it's so easily manipulated to make DH look horrendous in all lights.

Is he senior to her?

I'm not saying that you should report to work, but you can use the threat of it as leverage until you get the truth. You seem to suggest that him getting sacked is a possibility and frankly, you don't want to become a single mum with no financial maintenance from him. He does not need to know that you will not report to work. Not yet anyway.

If he really is painting himself as the whole "Woe is me" victim in all of this (and he is) this then a threat of involving work might jolt him out of it.

Just5minswithDacre · 06/05/2016 18:54

He claims friends only and he tried repeatedly to shut her down.

That bit jumps out as pure gobbledygook, doesn't it? Who tries to shut their (completely secret) friend down? (And fails for more than a year.)

Hard bit is choosing for me, not the general picture.

You know what? Just do it.

You're lucky that you are financially self-sufficient and can.

missybct · 06/05/2016 18:55

No no no no OP - how bloody DARE he make this about you. You may very well have been busy, stressed, looking after 2 children under 5, but he's not a baby ffs, he doesn't need constant companionship. Anyway, when he was away, surely the same applied to you - you would have liked company too, especially if you were stressed. But he choose to message another woman.

By making it about you ("oh, I didn't want to hassle you") he's near enough projected any negativity you felt towards him back on toward you, so now you feel it's your fault. Fucking hell.

2am isn't evening company, it's early morning. Why somebody would be up at that time whilst on business is one thing, but I dislike how he's made this sound as if he can't rely on you at that time - nobody relies on ANYBODY at that time!

Please please listen to what has been said. I never, ever say this - ever, because these kind of topics scare the shit out of me, but please do not take this at face value. There is more to this, and he may just be a lonely man being a bit inappropriate (i.e; nothing happened) but it may be worse.