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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to text this woman?

362 replies

deutschland83 · 05/05/2016 15:19

Work colleague of DHs, unsolicited messages on his phone. Late night texts when's she's out. Latest is a picture of underwear laid out.

I want to tell her to fuck off.

Should I?

He doesn't know I have seen them.

OP posts:
Poppledopple · 09/05/2016 20:52

He needs to take all 15 steps outlined in the short book (pdf) I linked above whether it was physical or emotional if he wants to apologise/atone effectively. This was written by a marriage counsellor with 30 years experience who has seen what is required for chance of a stable relationship - whether you stay together or separate. It will help you to read this book as it will justify your feelings and it will show you that what you need to know is rational and every time he minimises, lies, distorts, withholds will dig the knife in deeper and you will be hurt more and more.

Your anger and rage is understandable and acceptable - they have been incredibly intimate, intensely and over a long period of time - whether that was physical doesnt really matter - it is a betrayal.

GlitteryFluff · 09/05/2016 21:11

An emotional affair is reason enough to end a relationship. It doesn't have to be physical. The underwear pic says there's more to this than he's letting on though so I wouldn't be totally convinced nothing physical happened.

tiredvommachine · 09/05/2016 21:25

Op, I'm six months down the line from finding out DH had been texting another woman at work.

It was one way though, I saw the messages and it was a barrage of messages from him to her with only the odd one line answer from her so it was all him. I still cry every day and relive everything I saw on his phone and have no trust in him.

We have a 15 month old DS and last year was one of the worst of my life due to pnd and postnatal anxiety.
Yet he still did this. I know he regrets it but I cannot forgive him as this was always a deal breaker and he knew this.

I cannot live the rest of my life like this.
I dont want to hijack your thread but I just want to say I know how you feel.

Flowers
Original poster
deutschland83 · 09/05/2016 21:59

Oh tired, I'm so sorry. That's exactly how it feels for me.

I was trying to battle so many things but he did this. Just like yours. Read this thread and I hope it brings you so strength and courage.

Yes it's the intimacy I am most betrayed by.

We spoke more tonight, I know more. It's not any better. I'm disappointed, shattered and I am suffering the worst on this triangle and I have done nothing.

OP posts:
MagicMoonstone · 09/05/2016 22:02

To chat to someone for over a year, keeping it all private from you is a big deal.

I would be livid

CantAffordtoLive · 09/05/2016 22:03

I'm sorry, but I suspect it is one of those situations where he is only admitting to the minimum amount he thinks you will accept. :(

I doubt that it was never physical, but then, maybe I have spend too long on MN. I hope I'm wrong but I guess what's done is bad enough.

tiredvommachine · 09/05/2016 22:41

Deutsch Brew

Bless you, I just hope you understand that I understand how you feel and have gone through all of the stages of grief over losing my perfect marriage.

I bought the book "Not just friends" but never finished it because I found it too close to the knuckle for some reason.

If you want it, PM me and it'd be my pleasure to send it to you.

It's up to you what is your line in the sand, you cannot be told by anyone else what you should be doing or saying.

Yes, the intimacy. The fact he'd almost pay lip service to messaging me but then texted her in the same way he used to do when we first got together.

The messages I saw weren't even rude or anything like that but he told me he'd deleted earlier ones because they got a bit flirty and that wasn't what he wanted

Yeah, cheers fucknuts.

babbinocaro · 09/05/2016 22:55

Kopf hoch deutschland - you are right, they had the fun, the furtive texts, shared intimacies while you were working hard. Bet you were doing most of the gruntwork too? Been through much the same, made to feel like a lower lifeform - not sparkly, alive, inspirational!! Massive wake up call for me to my OH's selfish behaviour and shallow personality. A bit of digging from me and I quickly found dating profiles, married affairs websites, online female "friends".. a way of behaving that totally disrespected me and our family. I struggled for months, terrible sleep, weight loss, hair loss, all pervading sadness at being such a chump. Chumplady helped. My OH did nothing - same routine, didnt help when I was exhausted, lame attempts to be nice to me. As if this could make up for the massive betrayal.. just biding my time.. It's early days for you.. I wish you strength and courage.

KittyKrap · 10/05/2016 07:35

Yes it's the intimacy I am most betrayed by.

In some ways an emotional affair can seem worse as it's the little things you should be sharing with the one you love.

I hope you're doing ok Deut.

hareinthemoon · 10/05/2016 08:23

I hope you didn't get what I got, which was telling me how bad he felt for hurting the woman he was having the emotional attachment with.

croon979 · 10/05/2016 20:18

Flowers for you Deutsch. Sadly I fear that you will only find out more and more. I do understand you wanting to try and salvage the relationship if possible. For me though, if he is minimising, the betrayal is ongoing and I am not sure I could forgive that. So sorry you are going through this.

supersop60 · 13/05/2016 18:59

How are you doing deutsch?

Just5minswithDacre · 13/05/2016 20:36

I was wondering too.

I hope he's not making it all worse.

BigApple11 · 14/05/2016 15:39

Thinking of you OP Flowers

Original poster
deutschland83 · 15/05/2016 01:40

I'm here. It's a mess. We're staying together.

It's what I thought it was and then some.

My heart is broken, there will be no trust here for a long time.

My First and only rule is zero contact with her. He wants to do everything to keep us together.

What next?

OP posts:
CamembertQueen · 15/05/2016 02:03

Just read through the thread. I am so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through. I think it is important to take some time for yourself though, make sure that staying is the right decision for you. Is he willing to try counselling? I don't have much good advice, I left my last relationship as once trust is broken, I couldn't get it back. It beat me down and I felt that a shadow of the person I was. You do deserve a loving, truthful relationship so you need to be sure he can provide you with that.

MummyRocketButterfly · 15/05/2016 02:04

Can't give you any useful advice I'm afraid as I've been where you are, exactly where you are and things didn't turn out well. My best friend however has been in the same place and her and her husband are still together and going strong Smile
I hope it all works out for you hunni keep strong and don't take no s*

Good luck with everything xxx

MagicMoonstone · 15/05/2016 07:52

Hugs to you Deutsch Flowers

Helmetbymidnight · 15/05/2016 08:00

He at least admits it was wrong now?

WolfAlice · 15/05/2016 08:53

Oh goodness, have been following this thread and I can feel your pain with every post. It's horrible. He's behaved like a complete twat and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Similar experience with my first husband, we didn't stay together but he was a shite father anyway so my daughter was losing nothing (he doesn't even contact her now) If you think you can work things out then make sure it's what's best for YOU and what's important to YOU. Not him. He put you in this mess in the first place. He deserves fuck all.

It's a awful place to be Flowers

AndYourBirdCanSing · 15/05/2016 09:05

What has he admitted to? Do you believe he is telling the truth now?

Whisky2014 · 15/05/2016 09:31

Ask him to leave for a bit of space? Even if you are staying together, it might help and show him what he almost lost.

Poor you.

SleeplessRageMonster · 15/05/2016 09:45

It's up to him. 6 years on and I still have nightmares sometimes, still have wobbles, will always wonder where he is etc but he has never got mad at me for asking questions, always is 100% open and honest, he did everything he could and still does to reassure me and keep us together etc, NEVER EVER once blamed me, accepted full and utter responsibility for his actions etc etc.It'll never go away, that scar, but we've survived. It's a very hard road to take, because it'll always, always haunt you, and you'll probably never know the full extent, and it takes humongous will power to not keep having those images in your head circling round and around and around, eating away at you, but it's not impossible.

Poppledopple · 15/05/2016 10:01

So sorry - have been there. Going through the tough path of staying together.....but had loads of uplift couples counselling as well as each of us having individual counselling --- read the short book/ p d g that I linked before - it will him a thorough framework of what he has to do to have any chance of regaining your trust - it takes 2 years on average for the pain to fade and it is ALL his responsibility to commit to all 15 actions / behaviours on the list with humility and grace to heal YOU

Poppledopple · 15/05/2016 11:22

?uplift.... "loads of quality couples counselling"

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