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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband hit me in the face

265 replies

Kitkatabc123 · 05/05/2016 01:52

I have come on here tonight as I feel so depressed and alone at the moment. I have been with my husband 7 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We only got married last year and have just set up a buissiness which is going well. We have never been a very romantic, touchy feeley couple. But it has recently it got to the the point where I couldnt even put my arm around him without him telling me I was annoying him!
And communication has been very poor between us. However put this down as normal stresses and thought that all marriges have their ups and downs.
Anyway we were going out for the day on Saturday and i was in a great mood. He was his usual quiet self in the car (he was driving). I was singing along to the radio and to him and trying to get his attention. I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke. He told me to take the wheel. he looked frustrated as he did the back of his cap up. As he took the wheel back I said aww sorry babe, and went to stroke his face, and as I did he punched me in the face. He told me to fuck off and that I knew he was in a bad mood and was winding him up. We hadn't even argued!! And the worst part was that out kids were in the back. I was initially in shock but when he started blaming me i screamed at him and shouted that I didn't want to be with him anymore then stopped talking to him. He soon calmed down and started apologising but i wouldnt talk to him. We continued out day out for the children's sake. When we got home he cried and told me he had had a stressful week (which he had) with work and that he just 'reacted'. I felt sorry for him and told him that things will have to change and he agreed. Since then he has been very attentive and is really trying but reality has sunk in now. I don't know what to do it who to talk to about the situation. It's never happened before and I am sure it won't happen again but I am so deeply hurt by it. I need to heal but don't know how. Please help me find a way to move forward.

OP posts:
meffhead · 05/05/2016 02:05

Take the kids and stay with friends or family. You need a little thinking space! I'm sorry this has happened to you and your children.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 05/05/2016 02:05

I'm sorry - but he punched you in the face. In front of your children. Whilst driving. This is really, really bad. There tears were for himself. Not you. And they worked as YOU ended up feeling sorry for him.

This is someone who is supposed to love and care for you. And he punches you?

Are you in pain? Or bruised?

I'm sorry this happened to you. But I don't see how you can get past this.

Baconyum · 05/05/2016 02:11

Move forward? Yep out the bloody door!

Before you're tempted to even consider forgiving, forgetting or justifying this disgusting behaviour look up 'cycle of abuse'

"Since then he has been very attentive and is really trying" this is him hoping you'll stay while also setting you up for the next time it happens (and there will be a next time).

geekymommy · 05/05/2016 02:14

Lots of people have stressful weeks, and manage to not punch people in the face. This isn't even in the same galaxy as acceptable.

kittybiscuits · 05/05/2016 02:21

Please leave him. It was awful to read this. He is furious and violent and it will happen again. Has he been violent before? You can still report him. It is abusive of him to hit you and abusive of him towards the children for him to hit you in front of them. Please keep listening to the voice that is keeping you awake and knows there is no way this can be swept under the carpet. Please talk to Women's Aid for support and advice.

Ouriana · 05/05/2016 02:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nocoolnamesleft · 05/05/2016 02:38

He physically assaulted you. He emotionally abused your children (yes, witnessing domestic violence is a recgnised form of child abuse).

He may be stressed. He may be upset afterwards. But he punched you in the face. Whilst driving. There's this weird thing about people who punch someone because "they're stressed", or "they love you so much", or "they have anger management issues" - somehow they seem to miraculously not punch people bigger and stronger than them.

Are you safe now? Is there someone in real life who can support you? Somewhere safe you can go?

Original poster
Kitkatabc123 · 05/05/2016 02:48

It is the first time he has ever hit me and I believe it to be the last. I am not scared or frightened of him. The hit was a very quick punch to the nose which left no bruising but it was his words after that hurt the most. I just feel as though I'm staying with him for our children's sake at the minuete because if I leave I know it will have a massive effect on them. We do have a lovely family unit and home. I feel like a break might be the best option.

OP posts:
Sprink · 05/05/2016 02:53

There's clearly much more to this situation. Why not tell us now instead of drip feeding?

And yes--he was 100% wrong to hit you. No excuses.

AyeAmarok · 05/05/2016 02:55

I would be really angry if someone did to me what you did while I was driving. Don't do that again, it's dangerous. Especially with children in the car.

But the punch is unacceptable and I'd suggest you leave him.

Baconyum · 05/05/2016 02:57

It was clear in the first post that there was more so I don't think op drip feeding. He's also withdrawn from the relationship emotionally. As for staying for the sake of the children, my mother stayed and 45 years later is still putting up with crap from my dad! Utterly miserable and frightening to see your mother abused like this.

lamingtonnutty · 05/05/2016 03:05

You're already making excuses for him :

' The hit was a very quick punch to the nose which left no bruising BUT...'

Imagine your friend came to you and said this? Your daughter? Any female? What would you say?

Get a grip and leave.

Oysterbabe · 05/05/2016 05:02

I would have been furious too if you were messing with me while I was driving but obviously it's no excuse for violence.
Would he consider couples counselling?

eternalopt · 05/05/2016 05:25

How old are the dc? What did they make of what they saw? As for dh, he needs to understand that he needs help. He can't just snap like that. What if next time he's stressed, it's one of the children that pushes his buttons. You can't be around him until he's got help.

Startingover2016 · 05/05/2016 05:33

If you forgive him and stay together, this is going to affect your behaviour. You are going to be wary of him in case he snaps. How can you be yourself and mess around?

Baconyum · 05/05/2016 06:12

Oysterbabe counselling is NOT recommended where there's abuse. It just lets the abuser refine their techniques particularly in persuading victims to put up with it.

DancingDinosaur · 05/05/2016 06:16

It is the first time he has ever hit me and I believe it to be the last.

I very much doubt it wil be. It might be ok for a bit and then it will happen again. You need to get out.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/05/2016 06:24

I am sure it won't happen again

Really? In that case you don't need advice from anyone here as it's a given that he's learnt his lesson. Hmm

What a grand day out your dc had! One to put in their shared book of childhood memories to be recalled when they're adults with dc of their own and looking for a way to relieve stress, or reason to stay with a partner who uses them as a living punchbag.

If you often try to "get his attention" when he's driving, or regularly take the wheel while he takes his eyes off the road to perform vital tasks such as doing his cap up, you'll be performing a public service by posting advance notice of your travel plans here and on social media so that other road users can stay well clear of your vehicle.

However, I have a feeling you won't be doing that again as your misguided efforts to attract his attention have only succeeded in him attracting yours, and you'll now be preoccupied with constantly checking to see if he's about to throw another punch your way while performing the dance of the eggshells as you tiptoe around him en pointe being ultra careful not to create any fissure that may cause him to crack.

FGS don't be one of those who fails to recognise the thin of the wedge when it comes in the form of a fist in your face, OP. He's punched you once and is so sorry that next time he'll punch you twice and be doubly sorry.

You must be aware that one punch can kill and, if you have any sense of care and responsibility for your dc, you won't run the risk of them being farmed out to others while your h is serving time for killing you

Please find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and make contact asap. At the very least you should be ordering telling your dh to attend a dv perpetrators course and live elsewhere until he's completed it and you are more than 100% confident that he won't physically assault you again.

BeauGlacons · 05/05/2016 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RedMapleLeaf · 05/05/2016 06:41

I just feel as though I'm staying with him for our children's sake at the minuete because if I leave I know it will have a massive effect on them.

I can think of another type of childhood that will have a massive effect on them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2016 06:42

Kitkat,

re your comment:-
"It is the first time he has ever hit me and I believe it to be the last. I am not scared or frightened of him. The hit was a very quick punch to the nose which left no bruising but it was his words after that hurt the most".

All the above is you basically you now minimising his violent behaviours. Are you aware also that the only acceptable level of abuse within the relationship is NONE?. He crossed a line and he will undoubtedly cross it again, his actions are about wanting power and control over you.

I would also think that he himself saw violent behaviour from one or either of his own parents as a child. It also makes me wonder what you also learnt about relationships when growing up too.

"I just feel as though I'm staying with him for our children's sake at the minuete because if I leave I know it will have a massive effect on them. We do have a lovely family unit and home. I feel like a break might be the best option"

A house is but bricks and mortar and no you do not have a lovely family unit not any more anyway; he broke that by his being violence towards you, their mother.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Answer that question to your own self honestly and leave these children out of that question as well.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.
What message are you sending them by staying with him for their sake as well; its a bloody awful burden to place on any child and its no burden they should ever carry. Your only real option going forward is to leave your H. No DV course is going to help you either, infact it will likely teach him how to cover his tracks better the next time he hits you, he felt entitled to hit you and has shown no real remorse. Calling Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247, a visit to the GP to document your facial injury and legal advice are your real ways forward.

You cannot afford for them either to grow up in a violent household; they could well go onto be violent themselves or chose a violent person for a partner. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

apple1992 · 05/05/2016 06:42

Whilst it seems bad for the children to leave now, this could easily escalate and that could become so much worse for your dc. I know you say it was only one punch, but essentially it could be the 'first step' and you don't know what's next. Sounds drastic but maybe ring a domestic violence charity and ask for some advice?
Is there someone you could stay temporarily? It sounds like he isn't making you happy regardless of this incident.

Bitchqueen90 · 05/05/2016 06:48

Your DC saw your partner be violent to you. Staying will teach them that this is acceptable when it never is. I separated from my exH for far less than that. 2 seperated happy parents is better than them being brought up in that kind of atmosphere.

WellErrr · 05/05/2016 06:48

I am sure it won't happen again

Aye, and I bet a week ago you were sure it wouldn't happen at all.

You need to get some space from this.

PurpleOneWithTheNutIn · 05/05/2016 06:49

You are right - it WILL have a massive effect on your children if you leave him. A positive one. I vividly remember seeing my father kick the living day lights out of my mother (breaking ribs, nose, and more) when I was about 3 years old. She did leave him thank goodness and we were so much better for it.
Don't minimise this. It is highly unlikely to be the last time he hits you.