husband hit me in the face

[Kitkatabc123]

I have come on here tonight as I feel so depressed and alone at the moment. I have been with my husband 7 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We only got married last year and have just set up a buissiness which is going well. We have never been a very romantic, touchy feeley couple. But it has recently it got to the the point where I couldnt even put my arm around him without him telling me I was annoying him!
And communication has been very poor between us. However put this down as normal stresses and thought that all marriges have their ups and downs.
Anyway we were going out for the day on Saturday and i was in a great mood. He was his usual quiet self in the car (he was driving). I was singing along to the radio and to him and trying to get his attention. I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke. He told me to take the wheel. he looked frustrated as he did the back of his cap up. As he took the wheel back I said aww sorry babe, and went to stroke his face, and as I did he punched me in the face. He told me to fuck off and that I knew he was in a bad mood and was winding him up. We hadn't even argued!! And the worst part was that out kids were in the back. I was initially in shock but when he started blaming me i screamed at him and shouted that I didn't want to be with him anymore then stopped talking to him. He soon calmed down and started apologising but i wouldnt talk to him. We continued out day out for the children's sake. When we got home he cried and told me he had had a stressful week (which he had) with work and that he just 'reacted'. I felt sorry for him and told him that things will have to change and he agreed. Since then he has been very attentive and is really trying but reality has sunk in now. I don't know what to do it who to talk to about the situation. It's never happened before and I am sure it won't happen again but I am so deeply hurt by it. I need to heal but don't know how. Please help me find a way to move forward.

[dustybrother]

Primaryteach87 - I'm just taking things a day at a time at the moment to be honest. I'm definitely not myself and I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future. Thanks for your message though.

[Lweji]

I have been on the receiving end of assault and I do think you must take this seriously, as well as him.
Sallyingforth's suggestion is not bad.

Having said that, abuse takes many forms, including "joking". And I think you do need to do some thinking yourself. Have you reflected on how you act towards him? His teasing him with undoing his cap was really not on. What would you say to your children if they were doing it to each other when the other was already in a grumpy mood?
It doesn't mean that you all had to be grumpy or quiet, but the last thing someone would need would be more annoying teasing.
I just can't tell if you putting your arm around him and him telling you it's annoying follows the same pattern of teasing him somehow, or if you trying to get his attention is a very last resort in a pattern of him detaching from you.
In normal circumstances I'd say that physical contact should be welcome and not imposed and space should be given when required.
I'm only saying this as a learning process for future relationships, or in case he goes through all the hoops and you give him another chance.

But, ultimately, he is someone who thought it was ok to punch you. He only apologised much much later. Sadly, in my experience it's more likely that it's a start rather than a one off.

[Lweji]

BTW, the reaction of a normal person would have been to tell you to stop it and that he was in a bad mood and just leave him alone.

[Jan45]

Absolutely zero justification for raising a fist to anyone, no matter what they are doing, the OP was clearly trying to cheer him up and got wacked for it, in front of the children - totally despicable behaviour.

OP, please don't excuse this, we all have stress, bad days, we don't go about knocking folk in the face - disgusting behaviour actually and unless you give him a consequence he will see your acceptance as what he did was actually ok.

[GingerIvy]

And what happens when he's had a bad week and the children annoy him?

Don't say that you know that he would never punch them as a week or so ago, you'd have very earnestly said "he'd never hurt me." Once the line is crossed, the only thing left to do is get out while you can.

[JamesTiberiusKirk]

I think there are two components here, linked but not causally, if that makes sense.

I’m just going to get this bit out of the way, as I don’t like typing it, but I think it is true anyway………….I don’t know why you thought playing around with his face and cap was a good idea – why would you want to distract someone who was driving? You were deliberately trying to get a reaction out of him while he was driving you and your children. That’s a phenomenally daft thing to do, and potentially put everyone in the car at risk. That does not in any way shape or form possibly justify or validate his reactions – his actions are massively disproportionate and clearly constitute assault – but it was still daft. This is not victim blaming, but it is also not a zero sum situation: you can have done something wrong without deserving the insane retribution it brought from your husband. His actions, needless to say, also jeopardised everyone in the car.

We all get stressed, especially when there are kids to raise, but I can’t think of a time I would have entertained raising my fists to someone I truly cared about. Even in the heat of a bitter argument it has never been close to happening. What he did was some completely out of order I find it worrying that you are minimizing it. Quite beyond the immediate physical damage to you, it also represents an enormous lack of basic respect for you as his partner. If I saw my father hit my mother when I was a young child it would have had a catastrophic impact on me and my perceptions of that relationship.

As for where you go from here, that is entirely in your own hands. If you want to leave there will obviously be difficulties and obstacles – it won’t be easy. That said, will you ever be fully at ease, let alone happy, to spend the rest of your days with someone who when he gets stressed can lash out physically? Where is the line for you? When he does it again? When it is not you but your children in the firing line? I agree with the other posters in that he needs to remove himself from the family environment while he gets some help, assuming he is willing to entertain such a path. If he refuses, then I would contact the police and leave it with them. Protecting your children’s emotional / physical wellbeing must trump everything else. Personally, as difficult as it may be, If my wife punched me in that circumstances I would be seriously looking at going to the police.

I hope you find the space to heal and deal with this, but don't feel like you have to put up with it if you don't want to. You can find someone better for you and your children.

[Jellybeam]

OP please get in touch with WomensAid. A lot of the posts in this thread are very unhelpful as many of the people on here don't know a thing about the complexities of domestic violence.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Just thought I would mention that It was as I went to stroke his cheek he swung for me. Yes in hindsight it probably was annoying to undo his cap but I don't think I was distracting him to the point of danger and I didn't see the hit coming at all.

Distracting the driver of a moving vehicle is dangerous and you may have found yourself responsible for injuries or worse sustained by yourself, your dc, and others.

That said, the only justification for violence is self-defence and, as he was not under attack and could have stopped the car at any time, your h's assault on you was a criminal act for which he will be accountable in law if you report the incident.

You may not have seen Saturday's hit coming but next time he'll hit you more than once and, unless he knocks you out with the first punch, you'll see the blows coming as well as feel them land on you.

Stop minimising and start protecting yourself and your dc from a man who has crossed the boundary of acceptable behavour and won't scruple to do so again..

[Just5minswithDacre]

There's no way back from DV. You'll always remember and always be waiting for next time. Regardless of background and context, in that moment, he felt okay to do that, so something is seriously, seriously amiss in this relationship.

Also, if your post had ONLY described events leading up to the punch, it still describes an odd dynamic;

He was his usual quiet self in the car (he was driving). I was singing along to the radio and to him and trying to get his attention. I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke. He told me to take the wheel. he looked frustrated as he did the back of his cap up. As he took the wheel back I said aww sorry babe, and went to stroke his face,

I don't think other posters are necessarily wrong to comment on the oddness of this. It does sound very odd. But it makes me wonder, were you behaving like that in reaction to some really quite heavy-duty sulking from him? Does he punish you by retreating into moody silence? And you then 'perform' madly (childishly) trying to win back his attention and approval and make things okay? Or to annoy him in retaliation?

Either way, it sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic.

[Mrskeats]

It will be the last. Everyone tells themselves this
Please get out now
Your poor kids what must they have felt?
Please get away and report him
Will he punch the children if they annoy him?

[pocketsaviour]

It's never happened before and I am sure it won't happen again

OP, this time last week, would you have said "I reckon my DH would probably hit me if he was really stressed and he felt I was annoying him, but he'd probably only do it once."

Or would you have said "I'm sure he'd never hit me."

As many others have said, your behaviour was irresponsible in a moving vehicle, but there is no excuse whatsoever for his violence. And in front of your DC!

When we got home he cried and told me he had had a stressful week (which he had) with work and that he just 'reacted'.

This is pure minimising and justifying his behaviour, on his part. So what happens next time he has a stressful week and maybe one of the DC won't stop whining. Is he going to punch them? He's very good at the tears of self-pity, but any person for whom this was genuinely out of character would be HORRIFIED at their own behaviour and be coming up with ways to ensure it never happened again. Changing jobs, seeing GP for referral to counselling and/or medication, leaving the family home for a week to try to get their head straight. Not sitting there saying "Oh boo hoo, work is hard, poooooor meeeeeeee." Wanker.

[Baconyum]

The posters saying about him getting counselling/anger management, I hope that's naivety and not minimising.

Experts in dv massively regard this as terrible advice as it simply makes domestic abusers more sneaky/know how to get away with it.

Dusty I'm so sorry that's happened to you. Imho we've gone too far in children almost always being primarily resident with the mother regardless of circumstances, I've seen this happen. So I understand why you're reluctant to leave.

[Topseyt]

No excuse for the punch in the face. None at all, and his communication with you sounds to have broken down in other ways too.

Have to say though that when I am driving I would find the distractions you were providing as a passenger hugely intrusive and dangerous. I wouldn't have hit you though. I would have pulled over and told you in no uncertain terms that you would either stop straight away or get out of my car because what you were doing was dangerous. No passenger strays into my space while I am driving.

[Zaurak]

After a really stressful week at work, would he hit his boss?
Would he hit a policeman who'd pulled him over for something?
No, and no.
So why is it ok to hit you?

[FrancesNiadova]

Leave the bastard.
He hit you.
He hit you in the face.
This is never excusable.
You're never expecting it.
My friend used to get her (ex) husband to hit her so that she would know when it was coming, would get it over with & most importantly, not be taken by surprise. She said that the surprise beatings were always the worst.
She stayed with him, taking the beatings, until she could get away safely.
She's a very intelligent, hugely funny, gifted woman.....& that sh!t used to beat her black & blue.
Call women's aid, look at the freedom programme.
Get out.
Get away from him.

[MissDallas]

I just asked my DH what he thought of this situation. He is a very calm man, has never raised his voice to me nor hit me in 15 years of marriage.

He said, "if you were carrying on and trying to distract me like that when I was driving with our precious children in the car, I would [something violent] you."

But my DH takes driving safety and protecting our children very seriously.

This is one situation where I really would like to hear the other side.

[KurriKurri]

MissDallas - you (and your H) are suggesting there is justification for punching someone in the face. Taking aside the complete inexcusability of such a violent act, are you seriously suggesting this is a sensible response to being distracted? Wouldn't turning, aiming and punching someone be an enormously 'distracting' thing to do? I certainly couldn't punch someone and keep my eyes on the road.

Any normal person, in order to minimise risk - the essence of good driving - would tell the spouse to stop it, or pull over and tell the distractor to stop it or get out - there are many ways to go before punching ever becomes an acceptable response.
What would your H do if one of the children was distracting him while he was driving the other precious children? Or a friend's child he was giving a lift to was distracting - Punching? - Really??

The first distraction could have been avoided by not having the radio on - if people singing along distracts you - turn it off - simple.

Fiddling with his cap - yes silly - but 'stop it, you're distracting me' would suffice.

[Lweji]

MissDallas
I'd never look at DH the same way if he had said that to me.
I'd always wonder what he'd find sufficiently annoying to punch me (or whatever he said).
Does he, and do you, realise that was a threat?

[DoreenLethal]

But my DH takes driving safety and protecting our children very seriously.

Good for him. How does punching his wife if she annoys him in the car protect the kids exactly?

[PirateFairy45]

Leave. He's now hit you and you've taken it and he's managed to make you feel sorry for him.

Kick him out and get him done for assault.

I hope your children were not in the car when he hit you.

[DrMorbius]

MissDallas page 2 you posted Sorry but I have to ask... are you that annoying all the time?

Now you post "if you were carrying on and trying to distract me like that when I was driving with our precious children in the car, I would [something violent] you."

There an old Russian saying - "if three people tell you, you're ill go and see a doctor". Well I'm the fourth to tell you.

You husband has hundreds of choices of actions to take: - tell you to stop, shout at you to stop, stop the car and deal with the situation (non violently) and yet you seem to accept that engaging in a violent confrontation as some "normal response". If your DH did "something violent" how does he know your response?? You could hit him back and then what ?? you have a physical fight while he is driving your DC's. That doesn't sound to me like someone who has their DC's welfare as a top priority.

[kittybiscuits]

It's a fucking ridiculous argument to suggest punching OP in the face was about anyone's safety.

[dangerrabbit]

I am concerned about all the minimising and victim blaming going on in this thread.

OP ring women's aid and get professional advice.

[MakeThemEatCakes]

Am I the only one who finds MissDallas' comment really disturbing?

OP, please leave and report him, he hit you because he chose to and he will make that same choice at any time in the future, and you won't know when it's coming. It is no way to live.