husband hit me in the face

[Kitkatabc123]

I have come on here tonight as I feel so depressed and alone at the moment. I have been with my husband 7 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We only got married last year and have just set up a buissiness which is going well. We have never been a very romantic, touchy feeley couple. But it has recently it got to the the point where I couldnt even put my arm around him without him telling me I was annoying him!
And communication has been very poor between us. However put this down as normal stresses and thought that all marriges have their ups and downs.
Anyway we were going out for the day on Saturday and i was in a great mood. He was his usual quiet self in the car (he was driving). I was singing along to the radio and to him and trying to get his attention. I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke. He told me to take the wheel. he looked frustrated as he did the back of his cap up. As he took the wheel back I said aww sorry babe, and went to stroke his face, and as I did he punched me in the face. He told me to fuck off and that I knew he was in a bad mood and was winding him up. We hadn't even argued!! And the worst part was that out kids were in the back. I was initially in shock but when he started blaming me i screamed at him and shouted that I didn't want to be with him anymore then stopped talking to him. He soon calmed down and started apologising but i wouldnt talk to him. We continued out day out for the children's sake. When we got home he cried and told me he had had a stressful week (which he had) with work and that he just 'reacted'. I felt sorry for him and told him that things will have to change and he agreed. Since then he has been very attentive and is really trying but reality has sunk in now. I don't know what to do it who to talk to about the situation. It's never happened before and I am sure it won't happen again but I am so deeply hurt by it. I need to heal but don't know how. Please help me find a way to move forward.

[BarbarianMum]

If my dh was messing with my head and face when I was driving DrMobius I'd pull over slam on the brakes and tell him to stop or get the hell out of the car. Of course he shouldn't have hit her, ever, but forget this " intrinsically wired to protect you" bullshit. She's his partner not his child and it was not behaviour congruent with keeping any of them safe.

[Joysmum]

You need to report him.

Reality is, you didn't think he'd do it a first time so you're not able to trust in your belief it won't happen a second.

You need this in record so that if he does, you've got power.

Not only did he punch you in the face, what man does that in front of the kids?

You need to take action to protect you and your kids from this. You need leverage if you don't leave him (which would be yours and you kids best bet) to give you help in future when you need it.

[blindsider]

To be perfectly honest, you were being a complete pain in the arse. If I behaved like that my DH would be pissed off and would probably have left me before now.

What a load of rubbish.

She has clearly undone the cap to get some form of response from him. I get it might have been irritating but the response should have been "don't be a pain" not a punch in the face.

[memyselfandaye]

You do not have a lovely family unit, you have a man who punches the mother of his children, in front of them.

They must have been terrified.

[Perbsy]

I'm struggling here to imagine how dangerous it must have been for you to hold the steering wheel from the passenger seat, or is it something that would normally happen if the driver is busy elsewhere, as in punching someone in the face? Have I got this wrong?

[DrMorbius]

Very apt user name BarbarianMum. Op undid the back of his cap, not messing with my head and face as you stated. There's a significant difference.

In your life my "intrinsically wired" comment may be bullshit, but I can assure you, the people I love the most (my DW and DC's) I could no more punch them in the face, than myself.

Perhaps you need to examine your relationship!!

[BarbarianMum]

My dh is 'intrinsically wired' to keep our dchildren safe. As am I. Anything that threatens that - be it a punch in the face or someone distracting us when driving (did you miss the face stroking bit) - would get short shrift.

Which is an aside to the OP because her husband obviously doesn't give a shit about her safety or that of her children (see punching, asking her to take the wheel).

[Oysterbabe]

No one is saying what he did is OK and in any way deserved or justified. Just that someone messing with your clothes and touching you while you're driving would be really bloody annoying.

[OpheliaHamlet]

Sorry this happened. You should take what ever precautions you need to, to ensure you and your children are safe.
However, it's really NOT a good idea to distract the driver in the ways you describe. It's dangerous, and if someone was doing that while I was driving, I would pull over and give them the choice to stop or they could make their own way home.

[corythatwas]

Firstly, the OP needs to get away from her assaulting husband. What he did is assault and there is no getting away from it.

Secondly, in my books fiddling with somebody who is driving is a form of assault: it could easily have got you all killed. Doesn't excuse what he did, but if somebody had done that in a car where my children had been travelling I would have wanted nothing further to do with them.

[CocktailQueen]

It has recently it got to the the point where I couldn't even put my arm around him without him telling me I was annoying him! ... communication has been very poor between us.

As well as the car incident.

(I think you were out of order in the car, and annoying, and dangerous (don't take the wheel so he can do up his fucking hat!! He can wait until he's stopped!) but that doesn't excuse a punch.)

There's obviously a big back story here. Your marriage sounds rocky. Don't minimise what your h has done - as others have said, this is classic abuser behaviour. He needs to leave, get help for his anger, and you can take things from there. (Don't attend counseling with him.)

[Chlobee87]

Honestly, I can't believe that anyone is even mentioning the OP fiddling with his cap or whatever. It just pales into insignificance when compared against a punch in the face that it doesn't bear mentioning. If you are focusing on her undoing his cap, you're focusing on the wrong part of the story.

OP, ignore that bloody stupid comment from beau up thread. Victim blaming at its finest and most ridiculous. You do not need to get counselling to fix your H's anger issues. Bloody hell.

Every DV victim (which is what you AND your children now are, however you would rather paint it) thinks it was a one off. It won't happen again. I did something to provoke it etc. I suggest you do some research and look into the statistics. Of course there are the odd exceptions like one PP said (and they really are rare) where it's an isolated incident in an otherwise happy relationship. But the vast, vast majority of the time it DOES happen again. And again. And again. And it gets more and more serious. Can you take that risk? Can you put your childrens' safety on the line when faced with those odds?

[Kitkatabc123]

Just thought I would mention that It was as I went to stroke his cheek he swung for me. Yes in hindsight it probably was annoying to undo his cap but I don't think I was distracting him to the point of danger and I didn't see the hit coming at all.

[corythatwas]

Chlobee87 Thu 05-May-16 09:39:05

"Honestly, I can't believe that anyone is even mentioning the OP fiddling with his cap or whatever. It just pales into insignificance when compared against a punch in the face that it doesn't bear mentioning. If you are focusing on her undoing his cap, you're focusing on the wrong part of the story. "

No one is saying it's an excuse for hitting her. It just isn't. He is clearly a violent man. That is inexcusable.

But fiddling with the body of somebody who is driving could easily cause a crash. far more distracting that speaking in a mobile phone- and that is illegal.

My dh is a gentle man who would never lay hands on me. But he would never get in a car with me either if he thought I was a danger to other road users.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The only acceptable level of abuse acceptable within the relationship is NONE.
He has crossed a line here that should never have been crossed. There is no excuse and no justification also for what he did. If he had punched someone in the street he would have been arrested, his hitting you is really no different.

He likely also does not have an anger management problem either because he can and does have self control amongst others, he is simply angry at you and you alone. Men like this actually hate women, all of them.

You cannot help someone like this and nor should you try.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

[BarbarianMum]

You really don't have to blame yourself Kitkat. Of course you didn't think he'd punch you, who would? But now you know he could do it any time.

[Chlobee87]

Cory obviously I understand that it's dangerous to distract someone who is driving, I'm not simple. My point is that there are dozens of PPs that start with "not excusing his behaviour but..." then go on for absolutely ages about how annoying/dangerous OP's behaviour was like that's the important part of this thread! The important part of the thread is that the OP has been subjected to DV and needs some advice on how to deal with that. I just can't believe that people consider it to be the priority in discussions surrounding this scenario. IMO this does nothing to challenge the OP's apparent stance of minimising his behaviour.

[dustybrother]

Kitkatabc - something very similar happened to me about 5 months ago, my wife punched me in the face when I was driving and it was entirely unprovoked and completely out of the blue. It's such a massive shock isn't it! Fortunately my daughter wasn't in the car at the time, have your children said anything to you about the incident?

I have experienced delayed shock as a result of the whole thing and it's only started to come out recently. I went to see a counsellor recently and she said to me you do realise that it was assault don't you. I honestly had no idea it was that bad as I've kind of just got used to her being aggressive. I have seriously considered divorcing her and leaving the marriage but when you have children it's not as simple as that is it. Please feel free to pm me should you want to talk about it further. I also posted on mumsnet for some advice and there are some extremely knowledgeable people on here and the advice is excellent.

[Joysmum]

Why would you see the hit coming, people don't hit when they are annoyed. Hell, I was raped and I'd not punch him in the face for it.

[ElspethFlashman]

These threads are always so sad. The woman's standards are so low.

I doubt you are going to take a break OP - you care about his hurt feelings far more than you give a shit about your own. He trumps you, effectively. And he also trumps your kids, as what they witnessed was unforgiveable but hey ho, it was only a one off so their witnessing it can be forgotten about in time.

.....If you're very good and you don't "annoy" him again......

Which apparently means showing him any affection or teasing him in any way.

It's heartbreaking to read.

[Primaryteach87]

Oh gosh. He needs to really really realise how serious this is, take himself away from you and kids and get some specific DV perpetrator therapy if your marriage is to have a chance.

My husband has been beyond,beyond stressed. He has never hit me. As a teen he once gave me a minor shove and I made it very clear if he ever so much as laid a finger on me in anger, we were over.

For his sake and yours and your kids, you can't dismiss this under the guise of 'he was stressed'. Men do not punch their wives when they are stressed. It isn't normal. It's isn't a bad moment. It is utterly indefensible.

[Primaryteach87]

Dustybrother- sorry to read about your wife. It's obviously not okay for wives to hit their husband's either. Hope you are doing better now.

[Sallyingforth]

I don't disagree with all those who say LTB, but one thing everyone has ignored is the joint business. A complete break now will be a financial disaster as well as a personal one.
My advice would be for him to find lodgings in the area so that he can visit daily for work. He would tell the kids that he made a terrible mistake in hitting their mother and this is the result. At the same time he would seek professional help to deal with his anger problem. After an extended period it might be possible for all concerned to review whether he might be allowed back home.
If he can't agree to this then yes, it's the end.
Just my personal view.

[KinkyAfro]

FFS badly provoked? I despair at some people, I really do

[IrianofWay]

He hit you. That is all that needs to be said. He may never do it again but do you want to find out?

The fact that your behaviour was incredibly irritating and stupid is utterly irrelevant.