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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband hit me in the face

265 replies

Kitkatabc123 · 05/05/2016 01:52

I have come on here tonight as I feel so depressed and alone at the moment. I have been with my husband 7 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We only got married last year and have just set up a buissiness which is going well. We have never been a very romantic, touchy feeley couple. But it has recently it got to the the point where I couldnt even put my arm around him without him telling me I was annoying him!
And communication has been very poor between us. However put this down as normal stresses and thought that all marriges have their ups and downs.
Anyway we were going out for the day on Saturday and i was in a great mood. He was his usual quiet self in the car (he was driving). I was singing along to the radio and to him and trying to get his attention. I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke. He told me to take the wheel. he looked frustrated as he did the back of his cap up. As he took the wheel back I said aww sorry babe, and went to stroke his face, and as I did he punched me in the face. He told me to fuck off and that I knew he was in a bad mood and was winding him up. We hadn't even argued!! And the worst part was that out kids were in the back. I was initially in shock but when he started blaming me i screamed at him and shouted that I didn't want to be with him anymore then stopped talking to him. He soon calmed down and started apologising but i wouldnt talk to him. We continued out day out for the children's sake. When we got home he cried and told me he had had a stressful week (which he had) with work and that he just 'reacted'. I felt sorry for him and told him that things will have to change and he agreed. Since then he has been very attentive and is really trying but reality has sunk in now. I don't know what to do it who to talk to about the situation. It's never happened before and I am sure it won't happen again but I am so deeply hurt by it. I need to heal but don't know how. Please help me find a way to move forward.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/05/2016 10:33

Am I the only one who finds MissDallas' comment really disturbing?
Only if you didn't read the replies.

Adnerb95 · 06/05/2016 12:34

Miss Dallas - I agree that there can be times when actually the distracting and messing about when someone is driving could provoke an extreme reaction. I HATE people touching me when driving and if I had already made it clear that I didn't want that kind of behaviour to continue - as I think OP has already indicated - I would be sorely tempted to wallop the person.
Just as an aside, some people view hitting your children as abuse, so would someone hitting their child justify the end of the parent/child relationship - I.e. Social services being involved, etc? Just asking, you understand?

Lweji · 06/05/2016 12:37

would someone hitting their child justify the end of the parent/child relationship - I.e. Social services being involved, etc?

It will depend on the law, but yes, it could.

bigbuttons · 06/05/2016 13:29

There is no excuse for the punch. It was wrong. He was wrong.

if you had behaved like that with me I would have wanted to tell you to fucking get a grip and grow up. I wouldn't have actually punched you. I would improbably have felt like it though.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2016 13:32

If I punched a child in the face, I would consider the parent/child relationship irretrievably broken down, yes

What was your point again ?

Adnerb95 · 06/05/2016 14:25

I was asking a question not supporting a course of action - and yes, I recognise that sometimes a punch or slap could result in social services, etc etc. my point is that what level of assault would be considered unacceptable parent to child? Sufficient to end the relationship?
I think it is an interesting one because the reality is that most parents will know that even if they have never punched a child, there will have been times when they have just used more force than was strictly necessary, when the smack was disproportionate. My guess is that if every time that happened, a child was taken away, there would be few children still with their natural parents.
I find the pretence that people have never got to that point where - through sheer exhaustion, stress, whatever - they have lashed out or very nearly done so with their children or partner a little rich. And the majority of times, those parents who find themselves at the end of their tethers and administering something physical which could be construed as abuse will go on to bring up their children in a perfectly acceptable way, with love and care and the episode is not repeated.

I go back to my point that there CAN be one-off occurrences where perfectly nice people get pushed to the brink. Doesn't justify it but it may explain and it MAY, just may make it sensible to look at the underlying root causes and address those.

Lweji · 06/05/2016 14:33

CAN be one-off occurrences where perfectly nice people get pushed to the brink

Sure. In which case, they immediately apologise, and don't try to blame it on the other person.
And a slap is not the same as a punch. Neither is acceptable between adults. And particularly if no verbal response was used first.
The same actually goes for children.

In any case, if one partner is pushed to the brink by the other partner, then something is wrong with the relationship regardless.

Adnerb95 · 06/05/2016 15:21

I agree Lweji that there is something wrong with the relationship OR perhaps something wrong with the mental health of a protagonist. Doesn't mean that there is no way forward necessarily. That's all.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2016 15:28

Adnerb, you are talking complete bollocks

feathermucker · 06/05/2016 15:29

Whilst your behaviour was annoying and distracting, his reaction is disturbing. It's indicative of a very, very short fuse........if he's unable to stop himself punching you in the face, what else could it lead to?!

I realise you're probably in complete shock still.

Please, please, please leave him ShockShock

Lweji · 06/05/2016 15:31

Doesn't mean that there is no way forward necessarily. That's all.

There may be ways forward, but only when there is no excusing the act, taking full responsibility, and taking measures to protect the victims from further attacks, not placing responsibility on them.
I don't think OP's OH fulfills any of those requirements.

Adnerb95 · 06/05/2016 16:03

Nice to know that manners are still alive and well.

Adnerb95 · 06/05/2016 16:05

And that people can use well-reasoned argument rather than just insults.

iamamug · 06/05/2016 16:23

Sorry Adnerb95 but I agree with AF - you've asked how hard would you be allowed to hit your child before Social Services would be involved - the OP's incident was in front of their children - horrific.
I would not be sticking around for the second punch OP.

Lweji · 06/05/2016 16:28

I think people's perceptions of what a well-reasoned argument is may be quite different. Grin

iamamug · 06/05/2016 16:36

indeed Lweji Wink

AnyFucker · 06/05/2016 16:39

Sometimes, when faced with bollocks, the only way to respond is in kind

There... reasoned enough for ya ? Wink

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 16:40

I reported missdallas' post and was told it's just the right side of OK but then I am increasingly despairing of mnhqs response to certain types of post!

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 16:42

Miss Dallas I agree with pps that your 'd' h sounds like a potentially violent twat! There is absolutely no way distracting someone justifies a PUNCH!

OR INDEED a violent response of any kind and as pps have pointe out that would JUST as dangerous if not more so than the initial distraction. You seem determined to victim blame the OP which is disgusting.

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 16:43

Well put AF

memyselfandaye · 06/05/2016 18:26

Adnerb The OP was punched in the face in front of their child.

There should only be one way forward, and thats him out the door and divorce.

What he did is never ok and those making excuses for him, saying he was provoked because she annoyed him, or touching him while he was driving was dangerous are fucking unbelievable.

He punched her in the face in front of their child, he's a fucking monster and should be charged.

pocketsaviour · 06/05/2016 18:38

most parents will know that even if they have never punched a child, there will have been times when they have just used more force than was strictly necessary, when the smack was disproportionate.

Speak for yourself Hmm

I've hit my son exactly twice in his life. Once when he was tantruming and kicking and hoofed me in the boob. Once when he used a racial slur and I was so shocked I slapped him reflexively. Neither was hard enough to leave any mark or possibly even to hurt.

I would like to think the vast majority of parents are not violent to their children.

Lweji · 06/05/2016 18:47

A quick smack to the hand here when I couldn't really interrupt a phone conversation and one to the bum when I didn't have the time for other measures. Not even that hard.

Mishaps · 06/05/2016 19:03

"I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke." - please don't do this sort of thing when someone is driving - someone might get killed.

To the main subject of your post - go, and go now. Do not hang about for a worse injury.

Atenco · 06/05/2016 21:05

I just want to say that I have never ever heard of a partner who is quickly forgiven for their violence, not hitting a second or a third time, OP. And I speak from experience.

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