my partner just put his hands on my neck

[HeadTilt]

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

I'm So sorry to hear this. Also feel your pain. I have escaped. I ran away in November and anyone who does this will continue. I'm been mentally, financially and physically abused by an ex partner. The best thing I did was leave. No explanation I just disappeared. Time heals and once you mend your children will. Social services will have no choice but to get involved but as they said to me when children are involved, no one should harm anyone. It all starts, we Brunsh off as innocent, and stat through fear and love. My advise is leave. It's amazing how things do work out even when you think there is no answer.... My road to recovery is 5 months in.... If you support my advice and want to help more women like us please sign my petition... My therapy is simply helping others now and rallying to stop abusers.....petition.parliament.uk/petitions/115620

Apologies for the typos

tilt, of course you must do it your own way. naturally its up to you to choose what advice to take or leave.

Thank you everyone. I might step back from MN just for a day or two - or I might not! Just putting one foot in front of the other is exhausting.

tilt you are doing well and have gone through so much in what....48/36 hours.

Posters are only concerned about you, if you can't go to the police (FYI, you are doing the right thing re: not disclosing everything) then just post to rant/offload.

I'm so proud of you and I don't even know you!!
Well done for telling a few chosen people. Once it's out in the open, it'll be harder to go back to how it once was as everything has 'officially' changed.
I haven't been in this situation but from what you've said you seem to be spiralling with many different thoughts. I'd suggest just planning what you're doing the next day rather than what you're going to do for the rest of you're life. It's just too overwhelming. I should imagine the solicitor will help put plans into place so you'll know what's to be done next and they can help you get back into the house and him out.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you were worrying about him but it's more about the life you dreamed about rather than the life with him. I'm doing hypnobirthing at the moment and they talk about visualisation. As hard as it is, perhaps picturing a different (and far better) future for the three of you will slowly help get you over the stumbling block of him. I've started with picturing places I want to take the baby when he's here and in the future what hobbies he might have. Suddenly, instead of worrying about the birth I'm just excited to meet him!
I know what I'm talking about pales in comparison but the technique may be helpful. Whatever you do though, please stay strong for yourself and your children. You all deserve so much more!

I'm so proud of you and I don't even know you!!
Well done for telling a few chosen people. Once it's out in the open, it'll be harder to go back to how it once was as everything has 'officially' changed.
I haven't been in this situation but from what you've said you seem to be spiralling with many different thoughts. I'd suggest just planning what you're doing the next day rather than what you're going to do for the rest of you're life. It's just too overwhelming. I should imagine the solicitor will help put plans into place so you'll know what's to be done next and they can help you get back into the house and him out.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you were worrying about him but it's more about the life you dreamed about rather than the life with him. I'm doing hypnobirthing at the moment and they talk about visualisation. As hard as it is, perhaps picturing a different (and far better) future for the three of you will slowly help get you over the stumbling block of him. I've started with picturing places I want to take the baby when he's here and in the future what hobbies he might have. Suddenly, instead of worrying about the birth I'm just excited to meet him!
I know what I'm talking about pales in comparison but the technique may be helpful. Whatever you do though, please stay strong for yourself and your children. You all deserve so much more!

This is why you should ring a helpline - they will, like us, validate that your instinct to get out was absolutely right. They will understand (family and friends may or may not). They will have some very good advice and practical tips.24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline 0808 2000 247
You don't need to spend another 13 years with a man who is volatile, critical and argumentative. You've changed - you've had enough.

Hi head, you might be taking some deep breaths away from mumsnet; but if you're here - just wishing you goodnight, and sweet dreams of freedom.

Thank you

Thanks everyone. Have had a goodish day. Feeling tired. Thank you for all the good advice and kind thoughts, it really means a lot.

Hey Head. Just checking in to let you know that I am still thinking of you and willing you onwards. Glad you had an OK day for you. Keep going.

tilt KOKO....take each day as it comes.

Thinking of you, Tilt.

It's a big shock to find that one has been conditioned or trained to behave in particular ways, and your world changes a bit. It is exhausting. Rest when you can, even if you don't sleep, try to do something relaxing (for me that's reading); set aside some time for a good hot bath with some nice smellies.

Thanks for all the support and good wishes again. Just wanted to say that I'm still here and still strong(ish!). It's hard to put a brave face on for DD all the time and it hurts so much when she asks to go home soon but it is also good in a way to focus on keeping things good and normal for her. I'm waiting for an appointment with an ante/peri natal counselling service in the next few days.

It is still really hard not to think about him and wonder what he is doing and feeling.

I hope he's feeling very ashamed of his behaviour. I hope he realises that he needs professional help. You're doing very well by the sounds of it, just keep focused and get lots of rest if you can.

Your dd is lucky to have such a wonderful mother, Head.

Thank you atenco and draughty. That means a lot to me.

I've had a good day with a lovely friend. The mornings and evenings seem harder. Feel sad that somehow he finds me wanting, I've loved him so much and for so long yet he couldn't value what we have. I'm strong though.

Hi headtilt. Glad you've got good RL support and have had a lovely day. Sorry the evenings are less easy, though perhaps it's hardly surprising, as there is probably more chance for those thoughts to creep in.

I think the 'finds you wanting' stuff is projection, isn't it? Of his inadequacies. Not dealing with his stuff, blaming the person nearest. 'Look what you made me do!', he bleats. A tempting excuse if you have no backbone of your own.

Luckily for your dcs, you have a powerful backbone, in yourself, your family, and your friends. It sound such hard work, but you are brilliant, really brilliant.

Yes, ditto, as above! Because of his feelings of inadequacy he projects on to you. Classic low self-esteem. This isn't your problem to fix, only he can fix it. You are only in control how you choose to react to it. And you have courage and strength.

I'm so glad you have a supportive family; lean on them, it will help you and it will your dd too. While the bonds between you and ex are weakening, the bonds between you and your birth family can strengthen.

You will be up and down a lot. That is normal, so don't berate yourself about it. You are setting such a good example to your dd, she is very lucky.

Just come back to thank everyone once again for all the support. I am going to stay away from the thread for now as I need to live in the real world and focus on my children and rebuilding my life, but I wanted to say how helpful it has been. To know that compete strangers have been thinking of me, supporting me and strengthening me means the world to me. Thank You.

Good luck, OP.

He did this to you whilst you were pregnant, at your most vulnerable and when you need his love and support more than ever. This demonstrates how little he respects and cares for you (or even your unborn child). You have a daughter who may witness or find out about this. What will it teach her if you stay with him?

My father used to occasionally be violent to my mother. It taught me that sometimes violence can be swept under the carpet (like she did). As a result I believe it's the reason why I ended up in several abusive relationships. To a degree, I thought it was normal, excusable, could be brushed away. I regret many years of my life and the decisions I made. I regret not respecting myself more and allowing people to treat me that way. Domestic violence can damage children. I used to pray throughout my childhood, that my Mom would leave my Dad.

I know you may not particularly be looking for others to describe their experiences, but I also had a boyfriend who put his hands around my neck. It is common for perpetrators of domestic violence to belittle what they did and twist it around to make it look like you are to blame. Eventually you start to feel confused and question what really happened. After he did it to me said he did not put his hands around my neck, but around the bottom of my face. Then he said it 'wasn't that hard'. He said that he was only abusive to me because I made him that way because I'd 'dragged him down to my level', because my Dad was abusive.

He was very clever about how he abused me. He would do it quietly, never arguing (so anyone listening would only hear me arguing, and think I was the aggressor). He would push me or pull my hair (because these actions leave no visible marks on the skin). He fooled a lot of people into thinking he was lovely and perfect.

By the end of the relationship (I left him) he had worn down my self-confidence. I still ended up in abusive relationships after that. It took years to break the cycle, but I did eventually.

The key thing you have to remember now is that HE DORS NOT LOVE YOU. He does not respect or care for you. Because you have said that he criticises, intimidates, has been violent and has tried to twist that around to make you feel it's your fault. That is not love. It sounds harsh but the truth is; it's over. I hope you find a way to leave him and that your family can help you with this.

Just read more of the above threads and pleased to see that you are moving on xx. I guess my comment above is a little irrelevant now x