my partner just put his hands on my neck

[HeadTilt]

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

I am so so sorry you are going through this Head. I am glad you realise though that there is no alternative but to leave him. A few years ago my friend was in the same situation (though without DC). She told me she and DP had an argument and it had become physical in an almost identical way to yours. I was horrified but she downplayed it saying that she had slapped him and it was a heat of the moment thing. She was so strong, so beautiful, so articulate and so brave somehow I let myself be convinced. I should have urged her to get out, to realise the danger she was in, but I didn't realise. A year later she was dead, murdered at the hands of her partner. I am not saying this to gratuitously shock you but to let you know that the danger is real. I never thought something like that could happen to someone I knew, someone like her but it did and it can. Stay strong.

Thank you penguin for sharing that.

OP just to say I'm here too, and wishing you all the strength you need to do all the things you need to do. Take it steady. so glad your parents are there to support you.

If he didn't make you feel cherished then - you are on the threshold of a new life in which you can be.

Hmm maybe you could log it with police. Just so it's on record. Might be useful when it comes to custody as a pp pointed out.

Thanks again. I'm going to try to eat something - haven't had a thing since breakfast. Thank goodness my DD is such a happy wee thing. She keeps me strong.

I'm trying not to look ahead too much but my head is spinning.

See police as being lije telling someone official who can tell him off...you not bruised there are no signs so it s unlike to lead to prosecution. Police will talk to him and if he admits he assaultrd you he may just get a warning from police to stay away.
But start with telling gp.
And at least promise to yourself that when he does anything like this again you will call police. .

He won't have the chance cestlavie. The one thing I am clear about is that we are over. I've told another friend, who left and abusive relationship last year, and we are going to meet up.

Don't get me wrong. I feel vulnerable, I feel scared of weakening. But I will keep replaying what happened so I don't forget it.

Feel confused that I feel sad for him. Is it weird?

Head, my lovely, you have no idea what possible battles you will have re child access & other legal dealings you may have with this man.
You really should ring the police & ask for the DV unit & report it. you don't have to press charges. but it's good for this to be on your records. plus with GP and HV.
it won't affect his job application at this stage.
it's basically so that he can't deny it, when you are fighting over child access etc.
you need to protect yourself, not him

He's not going to want to get out of the house. Arguing about housework, which he should have been doing as he's out of work. And then he could have easily killed you.

Huge mistake not informing the police

You'll be sending your dd off on contact with a man who goes from non violent to committing the one act of violence which police and WA flag up as most dangerous. A police report is your proof if it goes to court

That's worrying. Where is his mental health at to do that? What if he has your dd for a few hours then decides to keep her?

I've been there. You need the police report to protect for the future

If I went to the police would they follow it up,with him?

Please report to the police. You may need this as evidence later when in Family court.
It will only get worse, never better. HTH

He will come begging you to forgive and forget.
He will ask you to meet with dd for dd s sake.
He will charm his way back.
You have one soon to be 2 dc with him so zero contact with him is unlikely.
The main regrets I have is not reporting every incident as and when they happened. Over time it just becomes one incident when it was far more.

If you report to police yes they will likely go talk to him. Ask his version of what happened. Depending what he says eg admitsor not it may just get logged. When my exp admitted damage and assault he just got a warning to stay away. But it went on record. Later after going thru court re dc he was sent on some anger management course.

If they follow it up? Tough luck mister, you shouldn't have done it!!
Do not worry about upsetting him or any future implications: he did it, it was wrong, so now there are consequences: that's the way life is, people cannot be allowed to get away with violence.
You are doing so well, head, I hope that you can feel proud of yourself- you are an impressive & strong woman.

thinking of you OP

The emotions you are going through are normal, but I would certainly urge you to report it to the police.

It's not actually likely that he will suffer greatly from it, but it will allow you to put more protection for yourself and your child in place. Hopefully, it will prevent any further attacks on you, and you'll be wise never to be alone with him again.

Thank you open minded. I'm finding it hard tonight as Dd wants to go home. I wish he would leave so we could go,home, but I don't think he will yet have realised how things have changed,

Thanks everyone. The support means a lot.

I've ordered a couple of lundy bancroft books.

My ex husband got convicted of common assault against me. It doesn't seem to have harmed his job prospects in the slightest.

I totally understand why you don't want to involve the police, and think pressuring you into doing so is wrong. But just letting you know.

I hope you're OK, it's a horrid thing to happen. And regardless of how weak you feel, you have been incredibly strong to walk out and make plans to go on without him. Really, that's big. It took me a long time to do that. Incidents where I thought "maybe I goaded him into it" "it's not THAT bad" "he didn't mean to hurt me". I know now none of that was true but it was a hard habit to break.

Thinking of you.

Thanks hoby. Well done for getting out.

This is the first fully fledged assault, but I've minimised other stuff so much. It's hard to untangle the feelings for the person you thought they were compared the person who does this. It's like he's holding all this hatred and contempt for me and it came flooding out. Is he suppressing it the rest of the time? Who knows.

Just reading about poor Reeva Steenkamp and Oscar Pistorious. Brings it home.

Weirdly enough I have felt resolute this evening but when some posters have said basically I'll go back to him it made me waiver a bit. The temptation to pretend it never happened or wasn't that bad is certainly there. Finding it hard to see him as an abuser. But I know nothing would change really. Fundamentally I think he feels we share the blame and he has a right to treat me like this if pushed by my so called unreasonableness.

That's what you need to go back to. He's making this easier (though of course it could never be easy) for you really. He isn't sorry. He actually told you it was your fault, he thinks he was justified. In an argument about housework, he physically attacked you in a way that could have killed you, and he thinks he's the wronged party.

You and your children deserve better. If things continue your children will pick up on it if not see or hear the violence. Trust me, my childhood was wrecked because I lived around it and its sheer awful.
You sound like a strong woman, you will cope and you can be happy again.
The fact he said you bring it on yourself just shows what a coward he is and shows no remorse for his actions. you really do deserve better and nothing justifys anyone putting their hands around someone's neck, let alone the mother of his children and sole breadwinner of the home.
Stay strong and get out for your children's sake.