my partner just put his hands on my neck

[HeadTilt]

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

Totally respect your feelings. I've walked in your shoes too. 5 years ago. Your situation is more serious than mine was.

A man who strangles, or who places his hands on a victim's neck, is the highest category or danger risk.

We are talking about risk of death here. To you. To your children.

The men who kill their kids and then themselves? Abusive men who want to inflict the absolute worst pain they can on the mother of those children.

This is the league your "man" has put himself in. Make no mistake here. You must take this seriously

You need every single protection possible.

Completely understand too, your wish for this to be unreal.

But remember this: HE did this. Not you. All you ever did was love him.

He doesn't even know what love is.

Thank you all. You can't imagine how much the support means to me.

I'm so lucky to have a loving family around me. I know I can do this. Everyone will be better off when we are apart. Even him. Hopefully he will see that. Just going to focus on my DD and baby and giving them the best life possible. I'd hate for DD to think this is normal. Thank god she was out today. I'm glad I have this thread as I need somewhere to come back to to remind myself why I need to stick with this if I weaken or anything.

On that note I need to say: my neck aches, because this morning my partner grabbed me round the throat. And he felt that was justifiable.

Just need that in black and white for myself.

HeadTilt, my ex did very similar to me some years ago. We didnt have children but I remember well all the compassion I had for him. I do look back and think what the fuck was I thinking.

WA advised me to report it. I thought that they were being a bit OTT. My neck was sore for a few days and bruised for a couple of weeks.

In the end, I did report it a few weeks later. Nothing came of it (not in the UK) because there was no physical evidence I suppose by then and it could have been seen as a vindictive ex. I doubt the police ever spoke to him over it. I was happy that I did because I worried that he would do worse to another woman and get away scot free but this way, if they checked they would know that he had a history of it.

So I know that reluctance to take the step into reporting it. But perhaps, just get it logged at your GP for now while there is soreness and bruising. Maybe in a few weeks you'll talk to the police, maybe you never will - that is totally up to you. Talk to your friend who has been in the abusive relationship. Read the books you ordered. Its incredibly confusing to have the person you love turn into a monster and even harder to accept that they were always that monster, but hid it so well.

For what it's worth, life for me after became terrific. I've a happy home with a gentle and kind DP. We have occasional disagreements that are respectful and civil. We share the housework and look after each other.

You'll get there. But for now, just put one foot in front of the other until it gets easier.

The fact that he put his disgusting hands on the mother of his child is sickening, and the fact that he did this while your defenceless and pregnant is stomach churning. If he'll do that when you're pregnant. I have grave concerns about what he'll do when youre not. You and your children deserve better.
I've not RTT so forgive me if you've already done so, but please call the police and women's aid.

Brilliantly done, OP. I know it is very hard for you but you have your boundaries firmly in place. My dd was attacked a few times by her partner and she kept on going back until he attacked her when her baby was two months old and that was the end. I never told her but if she had accepted him back after that I would have called social services, but I am so proud of her knowing that you cannot risk bringing a child up in a violent relationship.

And now they co-parent really well together.

Headtilt, I felt sorry for my EXDP too, after he kicked me, standing naked and barefoot at the top of the stairs, holding our 8 month old DS. I ran away, and was lucky enough to have friends nearby who we could stay with. But I still minimised what had happened to us. It took another 12 months for me to actually leave. I was a 38 year-old professional middle-class woman. I never reported this to the police. I was SO lucky - I had family to stay with. PLEASE do this if you can.

Almost 20 years later, I can hardly believe I've just posted this.

It's so good to read these other stories, to know that other women have done it. Thank you so much.

Good morning. I managed to get a decent amount of sleep. Woke once and had a look at the thread and drafted a an email about making arrangements for,the house and DD.

I have woken up feeling panicked, like I want to let him back in. Please help me stay strong. It is not "just" what happened yesterday. I'm not a relaxed and carefree person in this relationship.

Read your words from upthread op. You can do this.

Thanks red. I'm just trying to replay things and make it sink in. It's not fixable.

Morning love. No, it's not fixable. He's a violent man. And he will never have the opportunity to do that to you again.
You're strong, you can do this.

Thanks hoby. It's hard to stay strong, but I must. I might go and see women's aid today. It's just that when I woke up I started replaying all the good times in my head. I think it is true that love is a drug. I'm trying to insert the image of him coming at my anytime my mind wonders to better times.

If you are not going to the police, you could use this as leverage to get him out.

I am not going to go to the police if you leave and leave today. Otherwise I am. Your move.

It's not fixable.

They do say DV, ramps up whilst a women is pregnant. This would be just the start if you went back. The fact that you have said you are not relaxed and carefree, makes me think that you are constantly walking on eggshells (which BTW your daughter will have picked up upon) and there is more than just the violence/aggression but emotional abuse too.

You are strong. You can do this. This must be recorded with the police....they may help persuade him to leave the family home etc.

The baby in the womb picks up on the abuse too. Hears things, feels adrenaline and mothers fear. This is way bigger than people think.

I think you said it's your house? if so, you go home with your Dad. & tell him to leave, throw his stuff in bin bags, & change the locks.
Today.

He's probably still in his pit, or eating toast on the sofa & playing on the console. Knowing he can sit with a smug look on his face until you come limping home to clean the house.

Thanks everyone. Yes I have no doubt he's lying in bed right now. We own the house jointly so I can't just change the locks I'm afraid. I'm just going to cry a bit this morning, have some hugs, play with my daughter and phone my best friend.

I opened up to my parents last night about the emotional abuse. It was good to stop pretending.

You are paying the mortgage though. He cannot sit around with no job in the house, while you pay the mortgage, live with your parents & raise his kids. he must be told to leave. he can make his own arrangements it's not your problem.
Glad you are able to see the EA also is a factor. be strong.

You are doing so brilliantly OP. The wavering and feelings of concern for him are totally normal - he's been a huge part of your life for a long time and you can't just switch feelings off. They will pass though.

However, you know that you cannot go back. He showed you who he really is yesterday - assaulted you violently and then blamed you for bringing it on yourself. That is a seriously dangerous man. Hold onto the feeling of relief you have that you don't need to pretend anymore. Lean as heavily as you need to on the good people around you. Life is about to start getting much better for you x

Before I start: I am not a legal expert, just a person who divorced a few years ago, and cannot stress strongly enough how important it is to get reliable legal advice tailored to your particular circumstances. I agree with pretty much what everyone has said above except for the following quibble.

I don't get this insistence on staying in the house. Had you a large family who need the space, proximity to school, all their stuff etc, it makes sense for the one who caused the problem to be the one to leave. But you've got one small child and another not born yet. I don't see even the most hidebound dinosaur of a judge saying "You walked away from the house , guess you don't really need it then, I'm going to let him keep it" - surely? If you can show you were bunked up temporarily with parents rather than running away with rich boyfriend, anyway. I didn't leave when I was divorcing, but that was different in a number of ways, not least that XH was never in the least bit violent. In my situation it could theoretically have been seen as abandoning rights to the family home. (No rich boyfriend, though, unfortunately!)

I also believe there could be some psychological risk in staying comfy at home while the perpetrator tries the puppy dog eyes on the doorstep and talks about the misery of sofa surfing and missing his daughter. I think it's harder to stay strong and keep him out in those familiar surroundings with the guilt trip going on, than if you and child are in (temporary) discomfort and inconvenience due to his actions. It gives you an incentive to fight back sooner rather than later. Besides, how can you keep him out of what is legally his home too without an injunction, which you are a lot less likely to get without reporting the violence, a can of worms you're understandably not feeling able to do just now? "Officer, please tell this man he is not welcome in our home any more. No, I can't say why, I just want him out. Thank you." It doesn't work like that, nor should it IMO.

Thanks I'll try to get a solicitors appointment today.

Yes he is violent. He is abusive. He feels his feelings are more important than mine. He doesn't love me.