my partner just put his hands on my neck

[HeadTilt]

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

Thanks everyone. I'm calling on all my strength. Luckily I have the most wonderful DD in the world to keep me focussed. The baby has been busy today. Everything is happening at once. Thank god for my family. I've told my best friend. Though I haven't told anyone yet about him putting his hands round my throat. I.think I will see the doctor just tk get it recorded. Also wondering if I should try to take time off work sick.

it will make it a lot easier to get occupation order if you report this today while it is still fresh in your mind and his and he is likely to admit it and blame you (police will see thru it)

you call 101 and report, they will hopefully go talk to him and see if he admits it.

if he admits he he may get cautioned ( - but ask a solicitor.) he may say you fought him. has he said anything on text to admit it?
if he denies it, nonetheless your report will be recorded. is there any evidence eg bruising on you?

given that you have a child in a few days you may get call from a social worker to check you and dd are ok. you can say yes he has moved out/you are taking steps to get him out/you are currently safe with dd elsewhere away from him.

only by reporting it can you set the tone for the future and for your and your dc protection.

It's great that you have called WA; now you need to talk to dv unit on 101. Get that done, and you are covered. If you don't take it any further, it's not wasted time or effort, and if you do need to take it further, it's there.

You are being very brave, and sensible. Just this one more thing.

In sorry everyone. I'm not going to report it to the police. I will speak to my GP. There are no marks or bruising but I can talk it over with her.

It may be misguided but he is going to lose me, his home, his life with our children and that's enough. I'm not going to make it hard for him to get a job. I'm not full of revenge.

I just spoke to WA,again and the woman I got was lovely. I'm going to try and meet someone from the local group.

I just want to stay strong and find a way we can do the best by DD and the baby.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Are you with your parents now? I hope you and your daughter are okay.
Take strength from your children to stop you going back to this distructive relationship, this man has an illness that is not your responsibility to cure.
Good luck Head tilt, this was your warning please don't forget it

Thank you Bonita. I am at my parents house. They have taken my daughter out for a little while. She is fine, and I will be. Luckily she wasn't there when this all happened.

Feel empty. Just want to talk to someone. Can't help wondering how he is, which is silly. I am resolved not to go back.

I'm so sorry you experienced this. You must be feeling devastated and overwhelmed.

This happened to me. It lasted fractionally longer. I called the police afterwards. Not to press charges but I wanted it recorded and for exP to realise the severity of the action.

Loads of great advice on this thread. Please tell your health visitor/ midwife - mine was brilliant.

Don't try to take on the whole future. Just deal with it step by step.

So great you have a good support network.

Thanks cool on. I go from determination to tears. Tears at the moment.

My love, this is not about revenge, it's about giving you and your children the access to the amount of support and protection you WILL need to stay safe.

He is not going to leave the house unless he's made to.

He did this, not you.

I know this is a horrible shock and you don't want to believe any of it, want it all to go away and be normal, but it's not normal, never was.

Even that "sweet boy" you met? That was an act. I'm sorry, I wish it wasn't, but it really is the case.

You are in more danger today than you have ever been in. You need to give people the information they need to help you.

Get it on record with GP and midwife team today/adapt, but please ask womans aid about what you can do to maximise support and keep yourself safe. You don't have to do anything, but you absolutely need to understand the situation you're in

Sorry you're teary.That's part of the process that you'll work through and there is nothing wrong with crying. But remembering that you're pregnant, I just want to remind you to be kind to yourself whenever you can. Especially while your parents have your daughter, that's time that you can take for you. To try to relax, or plan, or rest, or whatever you feel most in need of.

I'll speak to my GP and meet women's aid. I'm not going to the police so hope I'm not going to have to give up on this thread because others think I should. I need the thread, I need to stay strong.

I keep thinking about him, how he is feeling. Feel stupid and ashamed for admitting that. I just need to keep talking and to take the next steps. Want to cuddle my Dd and sob but don't want to freak her out so am letting her have fun with the grandparents instead! Want my lovely brother but he is away for work for 5 days.

Fell embarrassed that people will have to know we've split. That I won't have hi there when I give birth. But I won't go back (just saying in case I'm giving the wrong impression)

It is normal to wonder how he is feeling, because you care about the person you thought he was - the fact that he has now shown himself to be capable of violence has not yet filtered through to your heart.

I think you'll find (from friends' experience) that people might not be as surprised as you might imagine. Do you have one friend who can communicate to others, so you don't have to keep going over it with more and more people?

You are already making all the right decisions. Take it step by step.

Of course you still care about him but it sounds like you're being really strong.

Can you find a good solicitor who has experience of family law and work out your situation and options. You can have free 30 min sessions so only settle for one you feel comfortable with and trust.

Maybe at some point you can consider couples therapy to help you co-parent. I'm not suggesting you reconcile - this is really serious - but it might pave the way for a harmonious relationship in the future regarding your DC. Now I'm probably jumping the gun a bit.

Really feel for you right now x

Sadly I know people won't surprised.

I'm. to sure how to tackle telling more people - but I'll get there.

That should be not sure.

I doubt he'd agree to therapy for coparenting but we will see how it goes.

I loved him so, so much. With all my heart. It makes me sad that he could throw it away for nothing.

I wouldn't go to police either so I understand but I would kick him out. Hope you're ok op. X

He didn't make me feel special or loved.

Maybe I liked the idea of the relationship more than the reality.

There were good things - sense of humour, sex, but I didn't feel cherished.

Thanks Lisa. I am the bottom of a hill, but I'll get there.

I hope I can find love in the future.

One step at a time. I'm glad your daughter won't ever see that behaviour and replicate it like I did with my mum and stepdad. I'm now with an arse like my stepdad it's textbook! You're stronger than me

I'm not strong Lisa. I'm just forcing myself because there is no alternative. I found speaking to women's aid really helpful, and there was no pressure over what to do.

I don want to be an old woman in this relationship. So I'm not going to be a young(ish) one in it either.

Hold onto that feeling of not feeling cherished. You can feel that with someone else; the right person.
I feel the same and it's soul destroying.
Glad WA were helpful and supportive.

Thanks Lisa. It's never too late to leave. I've made so many compromises but I couldn't stay and be true to myself. I'd urge you to consider it.

I'm just forcing myself because there is no alternative

That, right there, is the definition of strength in the face of dv - what he did was unacceptable to you (rightly so!) so you're doing what you feel has to be done in spite of how hard it is. You may not feel strong, but your actions are telling a different story.

Thanks Andro. My god, it is hard.

But he's not going to lose his child - he might even get her 50% of the time if you don't report this.