my partner just put his hands on my neck

[HeadTilt]

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

You need to leave , the fact he put his hands round your neck then put the blame back on you for doing it tells me this isn't going to end well. X

Also, as he is currently blaming you, I don't think it would hurt for the police to put him straight.

Thanks everyone. I've had a good talk with my Dad who has been lovely and supportive and will help me collect some things later. Said less to my Mum as she will worry too much but she is lovely and supportive too.

Full of sadness because despite it all I love him and I'll have to grieve for what might have been. I could never have believed that the sweet guy I fell in love with would stoop to this. I'm actually sorry for him because he has lost is way so much but I deserve so much more. Can it only be last week we were talking baby names and laughing about what Dd will be like as a teenager?

I want to be back in my home but realistically this can't happen today.

I'm also a bit scared of doing all the new baby stuff alone but am so lucky to have great friends and family.

Well done you for facing up so quickly to what his violence means for your marriage.

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this, especially while pregnant.

But also so glad that you have loving and supportive parents. That makes such a huge difference. I would encourage you to phone women's aid, as there are practicalities that they can advise you on, even if you don't want to report the assault.

Thanks, I think I will call them. I tried earlier but my phone battery died.

Still battling with the sadness and regret that everything has been ruined in just a moment. How can he condemn other men who hit their partners then do this to me. It's all shit. Wish I could fast forward past the hard bits!

Wish I could fast forward past the hard bits!

I feel you. And I wish I had a magic wand to make that happen for you. The love of a close family is probably the next best thing.

You will get through the hard bits. It will be tough at times, but you will get through it. And there will come a time when your life will be bright and hopeful again. Many of us here can vouch for that.

You clearly have a very good head on your shoulders, and it's great that you have supportive family and friends - and it's great that you are aware of that. You do not need to do this alone.

Beyond friends and family, you can also enlist help and advice from Women's Aid, the police, and a solicitor, as and when you may need them. Professionals are there to do their job and to help you.

This is a terrible and heartbreaking time, but you are doing the right thing, and you will get through this.

As for why he did this: because it's more important to him to protect his ego and dominate you, than it is important to him to protect his marriage and respect his wife. No, it shouldn't be this way, but clearly it is. He has chosen his own actions and crossed a line that there is no going back from.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

All the best.

Well done, you are very strong. I'M sorry that you have to be.

A question: Why are you leaving your home? Why not him? He can go to his parents, surely, and stay there. Tell him to pack bags and go to his parents while you work out what you want to do.

Thanks. I spoke to women's aid. It was good to talk freely to someone.

It was easiest to leave to feel safe and get away from the situation. I am not moving out.

I don't have any advice to add but would just like to offer support x

So glad you spoke to WA.

Have you made a plan for later?

Glad that you found WA helpful.

There is actually a lot of support out there, once you start asking for it. I found peer support groups very helpful too, for example: women going through the same upheaval and questioning as me. And depending on what you need, GPs, police, solicitors, etc can also be incredibly useful resources to lean on.

Some virtual support for you here too.

And for you KarenP63.

Good luck. Wising for better futures for you both

I work in the domestic abuse field and can tell you that it is an immediate red flag when a woman discloses that her partner has put his hands on her neck like that. You are pregnant too which is also a known risk factor. Please please call Women's Aid lovely. Protect yourself and protect your children. He does not need protection but your instinct is currently to try and provide it (i.e. by not phoning the police).

You aren't alone.

When I read your posts, I thought at some point you believed with all your heart he loves you and could never put your hands on you like this.

Imagine your lovely DD ten years from now - a stroppy, mouthy, hormonal typical teen. How easily and how often will future DD provoke him until he snaps and does the same to her?

Call police, report him, force him to get help so he learns to deal with his shit. Otherwise, his next target may just be his daughter.

His hands

I always think in situations like that you can benefit from a day or two away maybe you and your DD ? Or as silly as that sounds even a couple of hours alone with a good coffee maybe decaf or tea in your case... and a bit of fresh air, I'm not saying it'll change everything but it usually helps to get a fresh perspective and a bit of quiet time to think everything over and recharge for what's ahead.
A lot of the time people forget about that time and jump head first into a whirlwind of tasks without having thought them through first.
I might be wrong but it always seems to have helped me so just sharing my advice.

You poor thing.

He needs to move out for a bit to give you space to think.

If you let him stay it won't convey a good message.

Maybe when he's away for a week you'll realise how much easier it is and less scary than you thought.

I hope you're ok x

Thanks everyone. I went and got some bits I needed. He clearly thinks I'm at fault. I'm sad but at least he's making it easy by not even fucking apologising.

I'm hoping he will agree to move out soon but I'm going to let the dust settle for today and see if I can get a solicitors appointment soon.

This thread is really helping.

We all know it's the responsibility of the perpetrator how they react.

I've had a dreadful thing happen to me in the past but I'd never dream of making a move as if to strangle him.

The fact that he can't even see he's wrong is clear indication you are right to call it a day.

It is NEVER your fault that his hands were around your THROAT. Ever.
Arguments do not have to become physical EVER.
if he is unhappy, & you are in the wrong, he can leave.
No one EVER wins an argument by needing to strangle.
The fact that he is justifying it is indeed a sign of the seriousness

My love, please get some advice on reporting. Please log this too with your midwife and your GP. What you are doing here is eatablishing dv. This will potentially help you access legal aid.

He's not working, so he will probably qualify and it will cost this revolting slug nothing to use the legal system as his next instrument of torture. Trust me... They all do if they can.

Your child has a relationship with an abusive father. She's compliant now so at less risk, but a top drawer abuser (one that would attempt strangulation) would stop at nothing to hurt you. Children are often used by abusers to hurt their parent. He'll hurt her to hurt you; letting her down, upsetting her or bursting some kind of bubble. Or he'll grill her for information about you.

You need to line up as many protective such as you can. If you establish abuse, it may be that you can get an occupation order and FORCE him out. It will help you get non molestation orders to stop him harassing you (which he probably will)

Talk to WA again, don't rule out reporting this to 101, you desperately need the support, your children and you need the protection that comes with it.

I'm so sorry your going through this tilt

Protective ducks was what I meant to say.

You must report this. For your children's protection, for your own protection and for his own sake, too.