my partner just put his hands on my neck

[HeadTilt]

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

abusive things he has done recently

Called me a cunt for leaving the kitchen slightly messy and not noticing that DD had dropped cake crumbs on the floor.
Not uncommonly says "just do what you are told". I'm not a fucking Labrador.
Shouted at me for eating crisps/snack food in case it harms the baby.
Calls me passive aggressive if I don't agree with him and do what he wants. Really I'm just withdrawing because I don't want an argument.

Just to remind me that it doesn't really matter that he bought me flowers a fortnight ago, makes a cup of tea or that he tells me he is proud of me.

Thanks Gina. Well done for leaving. It's hard.

It took my partner 12 or 13 years to attack me. I never thought he'd go that far. There have been lots of good times too. But each little bit of abuse chips away at that. I know that if we didn't have DD and now this new baby I'd have left long ago. I should have left before we had DD but I can't regret staying as she is my absolute joy and the new baby will be too. The fear of being alone is strong - it's not like I'm going to start dating any time soon - but the need for a better future is stronger. Thank you everyone.

Christ HeadTilt he sounds fucking unpleasant, not to mention an abusive bully. A cunt because of dropped cake crumbs and a messy kitchen? Jesus.

I've been following your thread and have been humbled by your strength and the way you're dealing with this. It's natural to have wobbles. Hang on in there.

I left my bullying exh (no kids) years ago and it was bloody hard going. Wondering how he was, wondering if I was just 'overthinking' stuff, and then minimising everything until in the end I just had enough and went.

It's not easy but it sounds like you have wonderful, solid support from your family. Stay strong. I read the previous post which said something along the lines of 'it will pass' and it's true. You'll get through this. You really will.

What are your plans for today? You just be knackered. Any chance your family can help with your child whilst you get some kip later?

It is hard and listing just a few things he has done above has put some further clarity on your situation. He's bullying and controlling. I hate the word he called you and it is never acceptable, if the kitchen wasn't as perfect as he wanted it to be, why didn't he sodding clean it. Then again most emotionally abusive men see it as 'women's work'

I won't say I was lucky as I genuinely loved him at one point but by the time I left I had no feelings whatsoever so it made it easier.

You deserve so much better as do your children. Have a bit of time to yourself and enjoy being single for the first time in years! It'll be tough don't get me wrong but I think you have a very strong support network and that makes all the difference.

Thanks bloody. All the arguments and criticism stemmed from the core problem of things not being just how he wanted them, and him taking it personally if other things got in the way of my doing things just right. When I see that list it is so stark. That sort of really bad outburst was rare, so I could minimise it. But I'm seeing I was doing a lot of stuff to avoid confrontations. He would just see that as an argument, but it was one sided. I think what changed recently was that I wouldn't accept being verbally beaten down so easily, so things escalated.

I never got back to sleep, and now DD will wake up soon (sob). I'm going to see a friend later, it was already planned. Her kids and my DD are friends so they can play together while she plies me with cake.

Thanks Gina.

I am hopeful I'll be able to put away my feelings for him in time. It will be harder as we will need to have contact for the children. I am worried about when I'm going to have sex again, but hopefully I'll be too busy to care for a while!

Shit. Why despite all this stuff do I feel sorry for and worried for him? He doesn't have much in his life (no job, doesn't see friends regularly). He always seems low and empty. I would have loved and supported him forever and he's destroyed that but tears come to my eyes worrying about him. Even though it is his fault.

Think of it like this:
Will he be thinking about you and how much he hurt you? And the effect on your child?
Or will he be feeling only sorry for himself and blaming you?

He doesn't deserve the feelings you have for him.

Also, you DON'T need to have contact because of the children.

You can go through other people.
At the very least you can have contact only through email or text.
You don't have to be there for handouts, and I'd limit contact with the children to supervised visits.
Abusers tend to abuse all who depend on them, not just their partners. Keep in mind that he can use them to get at you, at least until you're sure he's over you leaving.

Totally agree with Lweji. He won't be thinking of you or this is effecting you and the kids. He'll be thinking of himself! If parents can do visits for him on your behalf with the kids that might be better so you don't have to see him and he cannot manipulate you.

You are all right!

I'm a bit in limbo as I'm sure he is expecting me to go back. He hasn't made contact about DD or anything else so I don't need to worry about contact arrangements yet. But I do hope on the long term we can be decent about things to make it easier on DD. I will talk to my parents about their supporting contact, and I'm sure his family would too, but I'm jumping the gun a bit. Also, I don't want to out of much on my parents as they will support me in everything but I don't want them to burn themselves out - they are in their 70s so I need to look after them too!

Report it to the police.

My story (emotionally abusive partner) his dad used to beat his mother but it had the overriding affect that he never hit me and would not hit a woman.

Be strong.

Head, well done, it will be hard, think of it as a sudden berevement, but from what you describe it does sound like an emotionally abusive relationship also.
Trying to be compliant to calm the waters, being acused of minor "crimes", the attitude to life, nothing much in it, you contantly trying to make him happy.
You were being chipped away at daily. & for the wish of a regular family with love & input from 2 parents, you have become oppressed & when you started answering back, because the Tosser hasn't got a job & could have been cleaning as much if not more than you, he got physically violent to keep you under control.

So far that he hasn't even contacted you to try & sort it out.
The general behaviour in this scenario, is to offer apologises, say its the worry of being out of work, remorse, tears & empty promises.
So apparently he is playing the waiting game. assuming you will want to go home & he's clearly not going anywhere as he has no money & his name on the deeds.

In his mind, he gets a free house. he cant pay support as he has no income. So supposes you have no option in the long term but to return. You REALLY need to report to the police, (for the record) & hopefully he will leave quietly with their backup

Well when I was leaving he said we need to sell the house.

I'm happy to do that or buy him out. The latter probably better for DD to reduce disruption. He doesn't even have money for food, petrol etc so I'm hoping that we might sort out the finances quite quickly.

At present I'm not planning to contact the police. I think that would cause more stress than I need right now and wouldn't go anywhere. I don't really want to get into it again.

Good morning tilt, just read your overnight posts (I went to bed thinking of you last night) and just wanted to say that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. So please don't berate yourself too much. As a previous poster said it's very much like a sudden bereavement. I think you have to go though the 5 stages of grief (which can fluctuate hourly and in no certain order) before you can finally find acceptance. It takes time, so all I can say is just take each day. If you can't take each day, take each hour. I used to say, 'just keep breathing'. If you can, think of it as grieving more for what could've been rather than him specifically. I can almost guarantee that he will in be in mental turmoil for a lot longer than you will be as how can a person who is truly happy with themselves behave this way. These people take it out on others to make themselves feel better about themselves. I remember talking to a counsellor and all I wanted was for him to say sorry. For him to realise what he'd done. But he never did. 5 years on I realise (and accept) that he never will. So I had a choice, I could either continue to let it control me or I could choose to accept the fact. Choosing to accept is not a sign of failure. It's a sign that you are in control of how you choose to feel. It's empowering. Hope you have a good day today.

I left my emotionally abusive, occasionally aggressive partner last year. Like you I initially left and stayed at my mums for a week as he refused to leave the house. In the end I saw his parents, explained and they removed him.

It was horrible and scary and I almost let him back several times but now things are pretty good. You sound strong op and like you have a good support system (my friends are all his friends girlfriends and so I lost them all) just don't back down and get him out the house.

You feel sorry and worried for him because that's what he's conditioned you to do, to tiptoe around his feelings.

Why is he out of work Head? If he's not working, and you don't think he'll voluntarily leave your home, is he going to expect you to pay for him to live there, and pay for somewhere for you and the DC?

Thanks draught, bossy and brian. I can't say enough how much it helps to know that there are people out there who understand and who are offering me, a stranger, support.

I do feel like it is a bereavement. What I've lost was mainly a fantasy, I didn't have a partner in the real sense of the word. I have pangs for the good moments but every hour that passes I am assured that they weren't enough. I feel tired already. Bedtime seems a long way away! Glad to have some plans for today though. I need to think about getting some more stuff from the house if possible but I won't go alone if I do.

Collect any important documents if you can too. Plus I'd empty the freezer. And make lists. Having a notebook to hand is useful for those 'pop-up' thoughts. Have you contacted CAB? I will try and post a link later to the relevant bit about your legal options regarding the house.

As I'm on a phone it won't let me past the link :-/
But put a search in for 'How do I make a partner leave', and it should take you to the CAB pages. There's some blurb about asking your solicitor about applying for an Occupation Order.

Paste not past!

Thanks draughty. Hopefully it won't come to that but it is good to have the info.

HeadTilt I don't have any particularly good advice to offer but since you said it helped to know strangers are offering you support I wanted to add my name to the list. You are being so brave and clear headed in a situation which is well known and well documented as being extremely difficult and traumatic. I can well imagine it feels exactly like a bereavement because your husband's actions have indeed killed something - your hope, of a good and respectful relationship and a stable family life for your children with both parents in the same home. But he killed this, not you.

Thank God what he ended was your hope and not your life. To be so careless of your safety, to let his rage and selfishness take priority over the sanctity of your life, is something we would condemn in a complete stranger driving drunk and dangerously - so much more worthy of utter contempt in a partner and father of your children.

I support you and cheer you on. If I can think of anything more sensible and practical to offer I will!

HeadTilt the bereavement is real, what died was your hope that this would ever work, that he'd ever be normal.

The death of hope hurts more than anything. Be kind to yourself, and if you're not reporting this (I do understand) then please talk to wa and gp and midwife about how to protect yourself and the dc without the police support. Get legal advice asap.

I know your head is swirling, that's what abusers do, keep our heads busy. Spaghetti Head is one of the terms we've used on abuse support threads in the past

It gets better the longer the poison is out of your environment

Keep strong. X