my partner just put his hands on my neck

[HeadTilt]

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

Practical tips:
You should really now make sure, your WhatsApp, iPhone/other, icloud/other are DISACTIVATED. if not he can follow you step by step, including the "find your phone" option..
Change your passwords on bank account, computer & anything else he may know.
If you have a joint account, CLOSE it or block it.

When you go to your house, take your personal paperwork, Your & DDs birth cert/passport, tax/motgage/pension/payslips info. You wouldn't want it to go "missing" .

I do think it's a mistake not to go to the police.
It's not a lot of stress for you once it's done.
And it will arm you in relation to the house and your children.
It will also send him a clear message that you won't tolerate any more abuse. And will give you further possibilities to protect yourself.
Don't think he'll be reasonable or will stop the abuse.

If a child bullied yours and attacked then would you wnt it reported to the headteacher or ignored ?
By not reporting it is as if it never happened.

Thanks everyone. Had a good day with my friend. Lots of talking and I managed not to cry since this morning. I'm not going to comment on anything else at the moment, just need some head space. But I do appreciate, and need, the support and the continued posts. Thank you.

Hope you have a relaxing evening and a better night's sleep. The constant going over and over and what-ifs are exhausting. Little steps tilt you'll get there, I know you will.

Hi head, KOKO, you can stay calm and strong because you are successfully removing yourself and your precious dcs from a truly malign influence. They won't grow up thinking that kind of abuse is normal -- thanks to your courage.

Goodnight Sonja, draughty and everyone else. I feel sick and churned up. Need to try and sleep. Have another nice day planned for tomorrow. Dd asked about her Daddy tonight, which killed me but I managed to stay breezy about it.

Take each hour love. You're doing so well. X

Thanks. Managed to sleep a little better. Feeling a little stronger at this moment.

Glad you're feeling stronger.

And I hope you do have a nice day.

Just try not to get into your previous rut of minimising what he did and replacing it in your head with nice thoughts. That's the pattern that kept you in this relationship for a decade.
You run the real risk of going back or making such light of what happened that he will be able to continue to abuse you even as separated.
Break with the pattern.

Thanks Lweji.

As the shock has worn off it is getting easier to fully comprehend what he has done, not just with this recent escalation, but longer term too. I can't deny that I have feelings of love and concern for him, but I guess that is only human. But I have more love and concern for myself and my children. I don't feel the urge to paper over what has been done. There will be lots of mental churning and to-ing and fro-ing to come, but I have my bottom lines and I keep talking about them to others and repeating them in my head so I won't back down.

I'm really lucky that my friends and family are supportive of me. They won't try to persuade me to, or allow me to, minimise anything.

That is good. IME friends and family can be as good or better than therapy. :)

Hello headtilt, well done for getting this far. You are doing the right thing. Please don't feel too concerned about him.

I've been where you are; my defining moment came when I realised that I was in the position I was in purely BECAUSE. I was always caring/ feeling sorry for his vulnerability, concerned for how he would get on, manage on his own etc. It was how I thought a relationship should be (and of course it is in a mutually caring relationship)
But he wasn't feeling the same way, he wasn't worrying about how I was - he was purely focused on himself. So, turn it round, is he caring about you? What have his actions showed you?

Watch out for crocodile tears from him. Your kind heart will be expecting that somewhere inside him there is a person who cares, and so you will welcome any signs of this. You will welcome him saying he's sorry, that he wants you back. But keep reminding yourself- actions speak louder than words. What have his actions showed you? Ask yourself would you EVER speak to someone you cared about like he speaks to you? Would you ever physically attack someone like this? Your answers will tell you how much he cares.

a top drawer abuser (one that would attempt strangulation) would stop at nothing to hurt you. Children are often used by abusers to hurt their parent. He'll hurt her to hurt you; letting her down, upsetting her or bursting some kind of bubble. Or he'll grill her for information about you

OP, I agree with hissy's comment above. In February 1986 my then-husband pinned me to the floor and tried to strangle me to death. I remembered something I'd read about survival in desperate situations and managed to get him to stop. If I hadn't been an avid reader of women's magazines as a child, I'd have died that night and my three year old would have found my body in the morning. I didn't tell anyone except my mother, and she was a victim of abuse so she thought it was pretty much normal, and she was a cow so she probably thought I deserved it. Those were different times and I'd had a hard life and it didn't even occur to me to go to the police about domestic violence, even though it was actually attempted murder. And yes, over the years he did let my baby down, upset her, and burst bubbles. He probably grilled her for information, too.

He died last year.

I can't make a fuss now about the attempted murder. I can't make a fuss about the times when he underpaid maintenance (for months). I can't make a fuss about the coercion and rapes. I see clearly now how badly he behaved towards me and towards our daughter and there is nothing I can do about it.

Please report and get this noted by the police. Its real, its important. You matter. What happens to you matters.

I have stopped my ex having unsupervised access to ds.
And I've seen his abuse of ds over supervised contact, which was immediately cut off.

If you don't report what happened, you won't have means to protect your child if he decides he wants contact.
And btw, contact us for the benefit of the child. If it's not beneficial, don't be tempted to facilitate it for his sake

I have delurked to say what squeegle says is absolutely true. However I felt exactly the same as you do. Went to women's aid and through the freedom program etc and left for the sake of my dc rather than myself

It wasn't soon enough to prevent his behaviour causing severe emotional damage to my dc one of whom is suffering depression and having psychotherapy

Women's aid talked about the way we feel about our abusers is not love It is truma bonding (google it) I still felt sorry for him, concern, and love so strongly at the point of splitting it took all my strength to go through with it and maintain it when he begged promised to change etc

It took about 18 months for my feeling to change and realise they were right It was trauma bonding

Love and strengthen to you HT x

Wise words tilt, you're doing a better job than us lot!! Hope you have a lovely day.
Lweji - Couldn't agree more. Counselling didn't do me any good, I got cross with them because they don't give you any solid advice, you're supposed to come up with all the answers! If I'd had the flaming answers I wouldn't have needed to ask anyone!

just to add, again, that every single person here has said you should report this to the police. You can take a friend to hold your hand.
I can see you are still in denial to a certain extent & the conditioning of control still has its grip on you. Which is normal
But this is about you & your children now, You must stop making excuses for him, & shielding him from the consequences of his actions is going to be detrimental to your case.

Can people please stop telling me to go to the police. I've decided against it for now and the women's aid worker I met with felt that was the right decision for a whole bunch of reasons I'm not able to go into here. I'm working so hard to be strong. I need to pace myself. I know people are trying to be supportive and I truly appreciate it but I'm raw, pregnant, vulnerable and need to do what is right for me at this stage. I'm proud that I've got this far in a few days. I'm not dealing with a one dimensional character. I'm dealing with a real relationship history of shared feelings, experiences and mutual tenderness. He's fucked it all up and it is his fault entirely. But it doesn't make it straightforward emotionally. The best I can do is set my boundaries and stick to them, and take support that will help me to do that.

Sorry I cannot address the other posts at the moment other than to say thank you for the support and for sharing experiences. I'll be in a better frame of mind later.

head, I understand why you won't. I didn't either (rightly or wrongly). Not saying it's the wrong thing to do, but if you're not ready to, then a bunch of people on the internet won't change that, hopefully though, the support you're getting reinforces just how wrong his behaviour us, and how normalised you have become.

Thank goodness you are getting to a place where it doesn't seem at all acceptable to have to deal with this. Agree, set your boundaries, mentally set your path. Keep away from him. Stage 2, if he won't leave, then engage someone else to come with you if you have to meet him ever. And warn him of the consequences if he ever comes near you again.

I realise it's not what you want to hear now, but people are speaking from experience and from the other side, having gone through similar situations and feelings.
People are just concerned that you'll end up regretting it. The only thing I did regret on my separation was not going to the police earlier.
I hope you don't.

head
When you are in an abusive relationship one of the things you lose most quickly and often without noticing is control. You change yourself and your reactions to avoid confrontation and to try and please your abuser because it must be something you are doing wrong, right? You have taken the enormously difficult step of leaving your abuser and protecting your children. PP's are suggesting that you report to the police for very good reasons, to protect you and your DCs in the future. You're not daft, you know why but you are not ready to do this yet, you may never be. And do you know what? That is OK. You need to be in control and you know the ins and outs of your situation and relationship and what the pros and cons could be. Report when you are ready, or not at all. Just know that if you do decide to speak to the police and want some support you can always come here and ask and no one should say you should have done it sooner because those who have experienced it know that you simply can't until you are ready.

Keep talking honestly to your midwife and the wa worker.
And work out how contact with dd will happen safely.

Hang on in there Tilt, you're doing brilliantly. Keep talking to your friends, family and the woman from WA.

You've come a long way in a short space of time. This is not easy stuff.

Hey tilt - you need to do what is right for you right now. (I didn't go to the police either. He strangled me too and I'm not dead yet. At least I don't think I am). All in good time, there's a lot for you to deal with right now and it's not like you're under the same roof right now and in immediate danger. I'm probably going to be harangued by other posters, but you know your situation better than all of us and I feel we should respect that. The last thing you need is to be repetitively told to do something when you've clearly expressed that's not what you want to do right now. You shouldn't have to additionally defend your decisions to MNers either. That's just adding to the stress. Maybe it'd be in your interests to give MN a break for a few days to allow you some space and let you get on with stuff. Just a thought and not abandoning you.