my partner just put his hands on my neck

[HeadTilt]

Is anyone there?

I'm heartbroken.

My partner of 13 years and I have always had periods of volatility. I find him too argumentative and critical at times. 18 months ago I told him I'd had enough - I felt intimidated in an argument. After that things settled and have been good, bar the odd normal argument.

We have an amazing 4yo DD and I'm pregnant.

For the last week he has been short tempered, starting two big arguments over minor things (housework, we are both unwell something's have slid).

Today he started an argument over something very minor. He obviously wasn't happy with my response. Suddenly he ran at me and put his hands on my throat. I know how dangerous this is. I told him to tKe his hands off me. He did so after about 1 second. I got my bag and phone and left. As I went he said "you bring these things on yourself". I said "no, I don't". I left. Dd is with my parents today. I'm parked I a side street crying.

Everything is ruined. How could he. I love him and our family so much. How do I find the courage to end it all.

The CAB website provides good advice about getting your husband/partner to leave when the house is in joint names. It's not about who pays the mortgage when you're married. (I have been in your position, but had his child, was not married, and stupidly was not named on the deeds. I had no family to go to. I reported to the doctors and the midwife but they did nothing. I stayed for seven horrific years. That was 5 years ago. Long, long story, but you can do this and I'm so pleased you're being stronger than I was. You will get through this)

If you report the assault you can get an injunction and a court order to keep him away from the house.

This is why it's important that you report it. NCDV can help you with the legal process, and WA point you in the direction of further legal advice.

You also need to consider your children. His abuse will continue through contact if you don't report the abuse you have suffered.

So, please be seen ASAP by a gp and report it to the police. You may well regret later on if you don't.

((((((hugs))))))

It is so hard to get through this bit, where the realisation that the person you love isn't actually who you thought they were; that the life you've been living wasn't that life at all but a totally different one, and that the vows and promises you made were extracted by trickery and dishonesty. That it's all a lie.

Take your time. The chances are that you haven't been a free agent for a long time, and you will need a bit of time to get yourself back.

That said, don't go back to him. You don't want the lie to continue, and you need time away from him so you can find yourself and work out what you, the you who has been suppressed for ages, what that you feels is right.

Enjoy your lovely dd, play, drink tea, and relax in the arms of your parents.

Yes, you don't have to press charges but worthwhile reporting. Because I didn't go to the police, years on (after I'd left) my daughter told the school what she'd seen years previous, but school thought it had happened in the last few days) and I had an unannounced call from Children's Services. They said because I'd not reported it they accused me of condoning the behaviour saying I was as bad as him. I had actually reported it to the doctor (on numerous further occasions) and initially to the midwife. Because no-one was ever a witness, they (including friends) thought it was my hormones and I honestly ended up feeling it was all my fault. Although he now co-parents well, DD has suffered and I'm still coming to terms with what he did years on. I'm now 49. He now has a baby with OW and they constantly argue. What a mess. If only I'd been as brave as you. I think you're very lucky to have a great family! I miss that.

So sorry you're going through this OP. You deserve so much better (and so do your children). Please do take some action after this - speak to a solicitor and talk to a DV helpline as others have suggested.
It might sound alarmist but I had a friend who didn't see the warning signs and, to cut a long story short, her husband is now in jail for murder and her kids live with her sister. Don't let this happen to you x

I think you're doing really well OP.

I left my XH 5 years ago and it was without a doubt the best parenting decision I ever made. Fortunately DS was only a baby so he has no memory of me and his Dad being together or the vile environment it was.

I made 5 police reports about XH's after I left and it was only the last time, and at my request that it be escalated that they contacted him at all. They were just keeping a record in case it showed signs of escalating, particularly as it tends to do once partners have left initially. In XH's case the contact from the police was enough for him to back off completely, and we now have a reasonable and civil relationship.

Sorry, that should have said "reports about XH's emotional abuse and harassment"

I left my XH 5 years ago and it was without a doubt the best parenting decision I ever made

This is the thing, OP. You may wobble but it is no longer about you, it is about your children.
I told you that my dd split up from her violent ex when the baby was 2 months old. It took a couple of weeks after the split for the baby to calm down after what she had witnessed. She is a sweet placid three-year-old now, but I hate to think how she would be if they had not split up.

Thank you everyone. I met with a DV support worker today and have a solicitors appointment. I have had good periods of feeling strong and determined, but I'm also scared of what could be to come and also my own weakness. Just that I'm thinking about him and his feelings. He caused this, he had no consideration for me, yet I think of his feelings. I feel embarrassed but I'll stay strong.

Thank you everyone. I met with a DV support worker today and have a solicitors appointment. I have had good periods of feeling strong and determined, but I'm also scared of what could be to come and also my own weakness. Just that I'm thinking about him and his feelings. He caused this, he had no consideration for me, yet I think of his feelings. I feel embarrassed but I'll stay strong.

My advice, from experience, is just to do it. You know what you must do, so get on with it.

Thanks lweji. Just waiting to speak to my boss. I feel the more people I tell the more real it feels.

Headtilt, if I was ever, God forbid, in a sitiation like this I would want to come straight to you for support and advice; you seem to be dealing with this so honestly and strongly.

I am so so glad you are able to tell people what's been happening.

Thinking of you

So has he contacted you to "see his child" or any other vague attempts to patch it up?

Just FYI But if you're in Scotland (you said 'wee') the law is a bit different in that you can't just get a crime 'logged' with the police - the police don't need your permission to press charges if they're aware a crime has been committed. Doesn't mean it will go anywhere though - it won't if there's not enough evidence. Womens Aid will keep you right.

Thanks sonja. That means a lot to me. I don't feel strong at all, I want it to go away and for everything to be great but my eyes have been opened. There are many things about him I love and will miss but I need to have some self respect and some hope of a better future. I'm desperately hoping that we can work together to be good parents. It is still so early, it is hard to let go of him, but I'm seeing it's an idea of him not a reality.

No, he hasn't been in touch. I'm not surprised.

Thanks for the heads up re legal differences.

I managed to go out with DD and my parents today, bought a dress for DD and a suit and toy for the baby. It was good to do something normal.

And sorry I'm not remembering usernames!

Just keeping posting because this thread is really helping, it is good to have something to focus on! I'm feeling a bit stronger. Starting to make some positive plans.

You are doing great head and you are so strong. Good to hear that you had a nice day with dd, and believe that the future will be better, not immediately, but it will be a better future for you and your dcs

Have a good sleep headtilt. You must be knackered. Glad you were able to find some precious normality today.

Thank you both. My world is upside down, it means more than you can know that people I don't even know are supporting me and thinking of me and I really do take strength from it.

I know there probably won't be anyone around but I just had to come on here as I woke up and can't sleep. Reality is sinking in a bit. I'm scared. I won't be able to hide out in my parents' house forever. I'm scared he'll make it hard. I'm scared of doing it all on my own with the new baby, Dd starting school etc. I have great family and friends but ultimately it will just be me and my 2 kids. Also worried about how DD will cope with the adjustment. She does love her Daddy. I'm just going to have to try hard to help her through it. I'm sad she won't have the family life I'd hoped for.

Morning, headtilt, I 'm awake and didn't want to read and run. It is going to be difficult but it sounds as if you have great support from your family. A very wise person once told me 'this too shall pass'. You will get through it, you're strong. It will be difficult, but keep using your support networks. I've no doubt that you're an amazing mum and your kids will be just fine.
Hope you can get back to sleep x

Thank you Helbelle. Not managing too well on the sleep, but lying looking at my beautiful daughter and feeling my baby kicking isn't a bad way to spend the time. I need to remind myself that I was lonely in the relationship anyway. Getting a hug was like getting blood out of a stone.

I didn't want to read and run - I truly admire you!
I left xh after 7 years together and 16 months of marriage because I realised his emotional abuse was getting worse. I always still defend him and say I don't think he'd have hurt me but I don't know that. We had no kids together and as soon as I walked out if our house, I knew I wasn't going back. It didn't shock my friends or family much either who I'd pushed away because of him and fortunately came back and were very supportive!
You are extremely brave and with all the support you have on here and with your lovely parents and friends (and your DD and unborn child) you'll be stronger for this awful chapter.
Many hugs to you my sweet x