My step daughter blanks me infront of her mum. My dp and I are starting to argue.

[Thatslife72]

Hi there has been a lot going on with my dsd mum and my dp, she is very jealous as her children tend to stay with us more, my dp has always been the main carer for many reasons. Since myself and 2 children have also moved in together things have been up and down.

I'm finding it hard as my son and my youngest dsd go to the same school so at least once a week I see their mum and the oldest step daughter is there too. I completely understand that she's going to feel awkward if her mum is there especially as her mum calls me names infront of her, so I do make allowances but I just find it hard rude almost that myself and my oldest step daughter literally walk past each other and she will completely blank me, even if I say say hello. Her mum isn't usually next to her when this happens but somewhere in the area. I've discussed it with my dp who is very protective of his dd which is natural, but so much so he will start shouting at me so I've stopped saying anything. I completely get she is feeling awkward but I just expect a simple acknowledgment is that asking too much. I just can't walk past her and ignore her when we get on fine every other time and live in the same house most of the time. How should I handle this ? Please give me some advice , I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive said she did say hello or she didn't see me, but I know this isn't true. I did just say well ok just wave back or say hello if u see me , she agreed and still goes on 😏 X

[Standingonmytippytoes]

Seriously though you think it would be a good idea to speak to your sd? You know why she doesn't say hello. You know it's awkward for her. You'd be better explaining it to you own children as PP said.
If you get on well in your own home leave it at that and be happy about it.
Say hello if you like. But don't pressure the poor girl and I say this as a step daughter.

[Thatslife72]

That is another reason we need to address things as with the other things on top it's causing a lot of stress on the whole house

[forumdonkey]

Your DSD is only a child of 12. According to your posts the poor girl has been let down and rejected by her DM. Imagine how that must feel when you are a little girl. Then she gets her mummy back, but mummy now is calling her daddy and daddy's GF awful names. Her Daddy is angry at mummy for everything. Put yourself in this CHILDS shoes. You should be caring and loving her, not putting pressure on her by insisting you talk about it. If her ignoring you helps her and isn't a problem for you then there is nothing to 'talk to her about'.

[Thatslife72]

Yes standingonmytiptoes, we think that is the reason, it most probably is but leaving it so everyone is upset is not good, I'm not going to say you must speak to me, you must do this, I'm going to talk to her and play it by ear. Btw I'm a step daughter too as well as a step mum and a mum! It's not just the small issue it seems there is a much bigger picture here my aim is to make everyone as happy as possible

[Standingonmytippytoes]

It seems to me the only upset one is you. But you batter on have that very uncomfortable conversation with your poor 12 year old dsd. Who now has another adults emotional needs to answer for. I wish you well.
Oh and I'm a mum and step mum too thanks kindly.

[Thatslife72]

Oh fgs forum donkey , yes as I've said over and over again she has been through a lot , ignoring it is NOT the answer but we can agree to ignore each other , as I've said there is a bigger picture and how would u feel if your sd u live in the same house stands next to u and completely ignores u even when her mum is in the car and can't see. Everyone else sees her sister sees, the teacher sees, my children see, the other parents see oh there is just so much to it and then her own mum sits in the car smiling cos this is what she wants .

[Thatslife72]

Oh I will ,tippytoes thanks for the support lol 🙄

[Standingonmytippytoes]

No problem. Btw your last post reads ME ME ME ME ME!

[Thatslife72]

Right yeh I think that cos u want to, yet u have no idea of the situation, so please leave my post if I have nothing constructive to say ! We can't all be as perfect as u!!!!

[Thatslife72]

Meant if u have nothing constructive to say !!!

[Thatslife72]

And if it's such a non issue to u why are u even bothering to reply . Very odd behaviour !

[forumdonkey]

Why is everyone upset? Your DP is angry with you about it - not his DD. There is no mention of your DSD being upset when she spends her time with you. The only person who seems upset or has a problem with it is you. I'm sure the atmosphere between you and your DP is a problem for all the DC's but without your pressure to address this issue, which could be ignored for DSD's sake you are choosing to 'have it out'. Why though? Because you want to save face infront of the ex?

[forumdonkey]

there is a bigger picture and how would u feel if your sd u live in the same house stands next to u and completely ignores u

See it's all about YOU and how YOU feel. Yep go ahead you force the girl to acknowledge you - you win, yay the sense of achievement for you will be immense

[forumdonkey]

her own mum sits in the car smiling cos this is what she wants

The pair of you want to grow up and stop being so selfish. Poor child, you are damaging her - you and her mother. Its emotional abuse.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

I think in your situation I would have a very casual and brief chat with her and say that it feels awkward to just ignore her when you see her at school but you understand that she may feel uncomfortable acknowledging you in the circumstances. If she'd prefer not to say hi that's fine and you won't do so from now on but that you aren't ignoring her, she could say hi/ chat to you if she feels comfortable to do so but you'll be guided by her and you don't mind if she doesn't want to. But I would absolutely not mention anything about 'in front of your mum', I'd leave it unsaid.
I would talk to her though, it'd feel a bit odd as an adult to not acknowledge her without doing so!

[Thatslife72]

Noooo not having it out tut, talking! No I haven't mentioned the effect it is having on everyone , she does it to my children too and again yes it's not her fault, she in the middle etc etc but it's still happening, it's still an issue and I don't think I'm doing a bad thing to try and make her more uncomfortable. Do u know how many people have said to me 'I can't believe u put up with that' ' that's rude' etc etc cos of what they see and I have just left it , my own dd is upset too , I don't want to go round and round with it , I haven't gone into every little detail but we just think we need to try do something, we've tried leaving it. Things get out of hand from what has started as a little thing I can't really go into that much but believe me there is more to it. We've tried to leave we really have it hasn't just started if anything it's getting worse . Please believe me when I say I am not just thinking about myself I am thinking of us all as a family. We are quite close so I think I can help a little anyway , if she just clams up well I will have to leave it, but let's see

[Lookingagain]

I hope we aren't winding you up to the point that you will go forward with this plan out of spite towards strangers on the Internet.

[whattodowiththepoo]

Her mother is putting her in a hard situation and that is not fair, you have to over compensate and politely ignore them both when they ignore you.
You don't need to talk to your step daughter about it until she is older and can understand it better, she gets on with you when her mother is not around so just enjoy those times.
Doing the right thing for you might be to talk it out but doing the right thing for your 12 year old step daughter is almost certainly let her deal with it and put up with your hurt feelings.

[Thatslife72]

Absolutely thisismyfirsttime!

Forumdonkey sigh . I don't know what to say to you, you've got it so wrong bless ya and I really take offence by the emotional abuse comment that is very strong and wrong u don't know our relationship at all. Look I'm not saying no more I know I try my best that is all I can say, we all have feelings !

[Thatslife72]

Lookingagain i really only interested in trying to keep my family together and happy, I have to do what I feel is right for everyone . Sdis not happy to be behaving that way, ignoring it has not helped!

[forumdonkey]

Self woman its all about saving face. Your posts about it being in front of teachers, other parents and comments that people saying 'it's rude' 'I wouldn't put up with it' screams of you not wanting to loose face in front of them and the ex. It doesn't need addressing but your need to does, especially as you have far more important things going on in your life. As you say, she lives with you and only sees her DM once in the week so this is not an every day thing either.

[Thatslife72]

Sd I meant

[forumdonkey]

*selfish

[Standingonmytippytoes]

Do u know how many people have said to me 'I can't believe u put up with that' ' that's rude' etc etc cos of what they see
So what how is it any of their bloody business!

Only now are you mentioning that your DD is upset. But have you tried explaining to your children why DSD might be uncomfortable in front of her mother.

[Thatslife72]

Sorry donkey I understand what your saying but it's not u dealing with it, please try and understand that!