My step daughter blanks me infront of her mum. My dp and I are starting to argue.

[Thatslife72]

Hi there has been a lot going on with my dsd mum and my dp, she is very jealous as her children tend to stay with us more, my dp has always been the main carer for many reasons. Since myself and 2 children have also moved in together things have been up and down.

I'm finding it hard as my son and my youngest dsd go to the same school so at least once a week I see their mum and the oldest step daughter is there too. I completely understand that she's going to feel awkward if her mum is there especially as her mum calls me names infront of her, so I do make allowances but I just find it hard rude almost that myself and my oldest step daughter literally walk past each other and she will completely blank me, even if I say say hello. Her mum isn't usually next to her when this happens but somewhere in the area. I've discussed it with my dp who is very protective of his dd which is natural, but so much so he will start shouting at me so I've stopped saying anything. I completely get she is feeling awkward but I just expect a simple acknowledgment is that asking too much. I just can't walk past her and ignore her when we get on fine every other time and live in the same house most of the time. How should I handle this ? Please give me some advice , I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive said she did say hello or she didn't see me, but I know this isn't true. I did just say well ok just wave back or say hello if u see me , she agreed and still goes on 😏 X

[forumdonkey]

I mean it's emotional abuse most sincerely. Not something I would use lightly. You are damaging that child as is her mother. You have no control over the mothers behaviour but you do yours. It's a non issue unless you make it one and damn you're going to carry on and carry on until you've sat her down and had your say!! Are you as patronising and condescending in RL as you are here?

[Thatslife72]

Oh what an absolute weird person u are, that is an awful thing to say and thankfully I know your wrong . I no longer wish to discuss this with you your a nasty person to say that, are u her mum in disguise? You have absolutely no idea I shake my head at you no help what so ever!

[forumdonkey]

Nope I'm not dealing with it but I deal with kids who's parents screw them up by acting like you.

It's only an issue because you are making it one. Put your energies into your DF needs your support far more than your DSD need a talking to.

Seriously what do you hope to gain from the talk? If you say its OK not to acknowledge you, then theres no need to 'have the talk' because nothing changes and teachers, parents etc still see she's ignoring you. If you do and insist she acknowledges you you get the satisfaction of 'winning' and now putting pressure on an already sad and unhappy girl who is caught in the middle of warring parents. Perhaps she desperately wants to please her DM and scared of her abandonment of her again

[Thatslife72]

Go away forumdonkey I think u have issues

[forumdonkey]

I'm leaving this thread you only want people to say 'there, there, poor you OP with your hurt feelings and such a rude DSD'

Feel free to call me names like a weird person. Why would I be her mum? I think you are nearly as bad as she is.

I don't say emotional abuse lightly but I stand by it, but you are hell bent on putting your feeling and your embarrassment in front of the emotional well being of a child who has already been abandoned and rejected by her DM. Well done you for insisting you put her through another emotional pressure for your feelings

[springydaffs]

How long have you been with her father? How long is it since you moved in?

You seem to take huge issue with any poster who doesn't agree with you, or doesn't recognise 'how much I do for her' . From where I'm standing we give and give and give to our kids, and to kids in general, with no expectation for anything in return - because that is the deal when it comes to kids. We may want them to be decent human beings, therefore introduce boundaries, but we do NOT expect anything in return for what we give to them.

You also appear to be touting your perfect mothering and your perfect kids, while demonising the mother. You all white, she all black.

Frankly, I'm finding you a bit creepy. And I'm a grown woman, not a child mashed up in the middle of a hideous situation between the grown ups in her life, not involved at all, not required to pay for 'how much you do for me' - as SD is. I suspect you are the type of SM we all dread.

So what if she ignores you? So what? It really is unbelievably immaterial in the scheme of things. You're HURT she doesn't speak to you?? Doe's she owe you?

So, how long have you been together with her father? When did you move in lock stock

[Thatslife72]

Oh I'm not saying anymore it's got a bit too nasty for me, I'm creepy now 😳. Thanks to those who have given me great advice it's not that I don't agree or disagree with the others but some are just being nasty and judgmental. But hopefully things will work out fingers crossed x

[gpignname]

I am a bit confused but from what I understand, it sounds like the mum does not want to go into the school to collect her younger DD because you are there OP and the younger DSD comes over to you (with your son) before she is collected? So rather than come over to you herself, the mum has put your poor older DSD in the awkward situation of having to be the go-between and going over to you where her younger sister is and collecting her and taking her to the car? Is that right? It is not just a question of ignoring you - she is having to be the one in the middle following her mum's instructions to go collect her sister because her mum wont come into the school. Is there any way you can avoid that situation? As soon as the older DSD is coming over toward you, you need to be sending the younger DSD on her way and just heading off with your own son, and making it as easy for her as possible? Or have I not understood?

[springydaffs]

So. How long have you been with her father or grafted yourself into this family ? How long is it since you moved in?

[Thatslife72]

Yeh I could do that gpignname, I wouldn't mind that at all, I think you've got it right I'm confused myself

[Thatslife72]

I mean they both come out the same class, most days I pick up both the younger ones, but on some days it's supposed to be I pick up my son and their mum picks up her dd but yeh usually my older sd gets out the car . I will do whatever makes it easier for her. I just can't ignore her

[neonrainbow]

I posted on the first page saying you should talk to dsd. I didn't mean tell her your upset, just to clarify. I meant a very quick chat to say dsd i know you might feel awkward saying hi to me at pick up times, would you rather if we didn't speak at those times, i understand it's difficult. Make sure she knew i love her and am happy to do what she finds easiest. And then leave it with her. I definitely don't think you should tell dsd youre upset. She isn't responsible for your feelings.

[neonrainbow]

Springydaffs projecting much?

[Thatslife72]

No I'm not going to , have I said I would ? No I'm quite happy to say if it's easier I won't say anything around your mum that's all

[springydaffs]

Projecting what? I'm writing what I'm reading.

So op. How long have you been with their dad? How long is it since you moved in? You seem to be ignoring these questions.

[Aussiebean]

I think it's great that you are going to talk to her. These things fester. She probably knows she is hurting you, but doesn't have the vocabulary or the understanding of her emotions to deal with it.

Might be an idea to be doing an activity while you discuss it (like cooking or baking.) Might make her feel less in the spotlight and help bring the guard down. I don't fill in the silences too much. She may need that time to really think about it and that will help lesson the pressure to say something.

I like the idea of a signal, being 12, she might be young enough to like the idea. A way of helping you without putting her in a bad spot.

As for others who say how rude she is, you need to shut them down. Say something like ' unfortunately sd is in a difficult position with her mum being here. We have discussed it and that this point, this is how we are dealing with it. I hope it will change, but that will happen slowly'

I bet her mother LOVES it when she ignores you. You sd probably knows it's wrong but is not in a place to stop it.

[Thatslife72]

Yeh I do explain to them, well some ! it just makes the whole thing uncomfortable doesn't it. I won't make the conversation about me I will make it about her.

Springydaffs I have no interest in answering your questions, you have already made your mind up about me.

[Standingonmytippytoes]

I was also curious as to how long you had been with dsd father op? I had a quick proof read to see if our had previously been mentioned. All I could see was you loving everyone who agreed with you and telling anyone else to leave the thread.

[Standingonmytippytoes]

Whoops hit post too soon. Also have you mentioned to your dp your little chat idea?

[Thatslife72]

No it wasn't like that people who were being nasty I told to leave as there is just no need, some people on here have given me some good ideas I didn't think of.,I didn't come on here to be told I'm this that and the other and nor should I have to listen to that. You said it was a non issue yet your still here. I've no interest now to get into rows on here thanks , I was just standing up to people but no more thanks

[Thatslife72]

I don't know why how long I've been with him matters but I've been with him 4 years

[Itisbetternow]

The mum doesn't want to go into the school because you are there. In that situation I wouldn't. I would send my child too. It is the least confrontational.

Most 12 year olds grunt and are embarrassed when any adult acknowledges them.

My son's friend's parents are divorced. He spends 50:50 with mum and dad. Mum lives with new partner. On the odd occasion when son is with dad in the village and they bump into mums partner son doesn't say anything. It is all just too difficult for 12 year olds.

I honestly cannot understand why you are so determined to make a 12 year old acknowledge you in front of her mum and her friends. Poor girl. Just let it go. Only 57 more school days until the summer holidays. Just back off and let it be.

[Thatslife72]

Itisbetternow thanks yes of course teens are like this, I'm not sure if u have read the whole thread though , it does seem something tiny yes but it has escalated , some say on here it's me that's made it esculate but well I guess u have to be here to get the full picture. I said earlier on I would think the same thing reading it but it is different in the situation and how it all effects everyone I've not gone into every little detail on this thread.

[springydaffs]

The poor kid. Bless her - to quote you, all fond

[Thatslife72]

Strange !