My step daughter blanks me infront of her mum. My dp and I are starting to argue.

[Thatslife72]

Hi there has been a lot going on with my dsd mum and my dp, she is very jealous as her children tend to stay with us more, my dp has always been the main carer for many reasons. Since myself and 2 children have also moved in together things have been up and down.

I'm finding it hard as my son and my youngest dsd go to the same school so at least once a week I see their mum and the oldest step daughter is there too. I completely understand that she's going to feel awkward if her mum is there especially as her mum calls me names infront of her, so I do make allowances but I just find it hard rude almost that myself and my oldest step daughter literally walk past each other and she will completely blank me, even if I say say hello. Her mum isn't usually next to her when this happens but somewhere in the area. I've discussed it with my dp who is very protective of his dd which is natural, but so much so he will start shouting at me so I've stopped saying anything. I completely get she is feeling awkward but I just expect a simple acknowledgment is that asking too much. I just can't walk past her and ignore her when we get on fine every other time and live in the same house most of the time. How should I handle this ? Please give me some advice , I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive said she did say hello or she didn't see me, but I know this isn't true. I did just say well ok just wave back or say hello if u see me , she agreed and still goes on 😏 X

[NewLife4Me]

Thatslife

Sorry if I offended you. It wasn't my intention.
I meant if you are telling her to wave and not understanding that she is doing this because her mum is around it isn't fair on the child.
I know I don't have to deal with it, but that was my point, neither do you.
It's your dh job to sort it and then you can't be blamed for being the evil sm.
Taking a step back especially when his ex wife has it in for you will help preserve your sanity.
I too am sure she is doing it on purpose to wind you up, so maybe don't expect the child to speak. your dp seems to be happy to just let it go, maybe he's right.
Anyway, it has to be better than you too fighting and letting her win.
Sorry for any offense my last post gave.

[crumpet]

This is not driven by your dsd but by her fear of how her mother will react. You will need to show your dsd that you understand the difficult position she is in, and not make her feel guilty for hurting your feelings.

Have the conversation, see if you have have a secret code/wink, but otherwise don't pressure her - she is clearly struging with the situation due to her mother on one side, and won't need added pressure from you. Yes it is crap, and I have been there myself. But the children really don't need added pressure in this situation.

[Lookingagain]

She is 12.
It's awkward.
You know the difficult emotional position she is in.

Do not be another adult in her life that makers her responsible for their feelings. This is small in the grand scheme of things, and you understand why it is happening. Put her, the child, first and let it go.

If you don't, you are just one more adult putting themselves and their feelings first. Play the long game.

[laundryelf]

You say you understand your DSD feeling that she can't acknowledge you in front of her Mum but she did today and you are still upset? Why are you feeling so bad when she did talk to you?
You really need to stop making such a big deal about this, as the first serious relationship since their divorce it will be stressful to get used to but the priority is helping the children to deal with it the best way they can. Be the sensible adult in the process, over time the ex wife will calm down or the child will be better able at cope but you are pushing for too much, too soon. Probably you are feeling stressed yourself with your Father's recent diagnosis, be kind to yourself and forget about "how it looks to others" you know you have a good relationship with your DSD and that's the important thing.

[Lookingagain]

I'd be very hesitant about the chat thing too. All the secret winks and smile stuff. It will make you feel better, but it forces her to perform for you, and to conspire in a small way against her mother. Not very healthy for the child.

With a little luck, you will know this girl all her life. The next 6 or so years is a relatively short period. If you step back, make no demands, don't get into the emotional tug of war, she will appreciate it and you as she matures.

It's just a lousy situation that you need to live through with all the dignity and grace that you can muster. Have faith in Yourself. You don't need her to acknowledge you at school to know that you are s good person.

[laundryelf]

Looking again put it better, and typed faster!

[mummytime]

I would talk to her.

But first sort yourself out and get over being emotional. You need to be an adult, and see that in the long run, saying Hi or not isn't important. I have teens who wouldn't say Hi and wear hoods up because they find social interaction hard. Just as they struggle due to their social anxiety, she seems to be struggling because her Mum makes it hard. So think about all this. Get any tears out, and when you feel up to it talk t her.

Then I'd probably say something like, "When I see people I know I tend to say 'Hi' but would you rather I didn't when I see you at school?"
If she is okay, but would rather not speak to you at school, then you might want to ask what she would say if a friend saw either you or her "blanking" the other one?
Try to have a conversation as adults, and see what you can work out. No secret hand shakes - although male "eyebrow wiggling" might be okay. You could also take it on to how she'd handle it if one of your DC greeted her in front of her Mum - because that could also be awkward.

Now your DP and you shouting about it isn't on, but that's something else to deal with.

[MeMySonAndl]

if she is normally nice to you, just talk to her and ask her if she would prefer you to ignore her when she is with her mum. If you are in agreement on that, neither of you would feel ackward or rejected.

DS also blanked me when he was with Dad and new partner. I couldn't care less about the new partner but we, as your DP and exW, were going through a rather difficult court process, and DS tells me that as they were always badmouthing me in front of him that he was afraid he would get in trouble if he was nice to me.

I think the poor kids feel trapped in the middle, and with children's natural inclination to please everyone, DS decided he was at a lesser risk if he blanked me (He knew I would forgive him if he was cold towards me, but he didn't think his dad would be as forgiving if he was warm to me). It was purely a survival mechanism.

I have seen it in other children too, I have a goddaughter I used to get along with very well. At some point her mum and I fell out , and from then, the girl would come and talk to me every time we bumped with each other but you could see the fear in her eyes if the mother noticed she was talking to me. She would get silent suddenly and pretend I didn't exist. Telling her that I understood and was ok with it, make things much easier for both of us.

[Lookingagain]

Don't discus this with her. Drop it.

Time and patience will fix this. You are likely to do more harm than good.

[Thatslife72]

No I've decided I'm speaking to her about it as it will just build up, don't worry I will do it in the nicest way, no pressure stop telling me to get over it, I can't help the way I feel like she can't so I will have a chat and if it's a case of we ignore each other that's fine but we are generally a family that talk about stuff the only thing we don't talk about is the other parent well not in a bad way anyway! I think you have to adapt the situation to your own life and I have been letting it go for quite a while now I've also had the mum punch my window of my car once in the school car park and following me home , none of this I have retaliated to! But I just can't ignore her if she is next to me but I feel I need to speak to her even just to say it's ok to ignore me if she feels awkward. It's really hard in the situation I'm not an over emotional person at all but I have put up with alot and so has my sd so maybe together we can come to an agreement 😉

[Thatslife72]

Laundryelf I really appreciate your reply u make a lot of sense no it doesn't sound a big deal and really in the grand scheme of things it really isn't, BUT when u are there and it is happening it's horrible, I have a very open relationship with my children and I do talk to my sd so I feel it would be better for all of us I talk to her. If I was reading this I too would think, why is she letting a small thing like that bother her, but it does and I think u would see what I mean if u were with me at these times . I hope I'm explaining myself ok.

[Thatslife72]

I can't just drop it lookagain it's way past that! It would be better if my poor sd stayed in her mums car and the mum got out to get her dd like every other mum does. I have no problem ignoring her or even doing the polite hi to her , that would be better for everyone. I have never done anything to her mum apart from smile and be polite but she is just so eaten up with jealousy none of this is my sd fault and quite honestly it's not mine either I have a hard job with 4 kids and my own business x

[Joysmum]

Of course it'll bother you, it's up to you to understand that for the sake of your SD you should not let it show when her mother is with her. You'll need to be a good actor.

If you don't, your SD will suffer and your DP will resent you for inadvertently putting his DD in such an awkward position.

You need to be able to rise above it but it won't be easy

[Thatslife72]

But it's her mum putting her in the situation not me.

[forumdonkey]

Why do you feel the need to speak to her? It will build up? - you mean with you!! Put yourself in DSD's shoes. If its 'horrible' for you how the hell do you think DSD is feeling. Let it drop woman and if that helps her deal with her DM, who you claim is a difficult woman, why the hell are you forcing it knowing that. This isn't about you and how you feel!!!

If your DC's are 12yrs old, aren't they in secondary school. Is there the need for the school mum/playground runs?

[Thatslife72]

Sorry but yes my feelings DO matter, yes hers matter but so do the adults fact!!!!!!

[Thatslife72]

And u didn't read my thread properly I'm talking about the younger 2 the older ones have already been picked up

[Branleuse]

I would assume it is a phase, and ask your dsd what she wants you to do in the situation. Shes not mature enough to navigate this in a way that she feels wont hurt anyone. She probably feels like shes cheating on her mum a bit. You need to remind her that she isnt, even if she feels that way, and that you understand that she feels awkward.

[forumdonkey]

But it's her mum putting her in the situation not me.

Grow up the pair of you then. Quite frankly one of you need to. Be the bigger person and let DSD handle the situation they way she needs to. It sounds like the only issue is when she is with her DM. What are you trying to prove - seriously?!

[neonrainbow]

As a stepmum if dss was doing this i would have a chat with him and be led by him. As dsd is a child her feelings inthis situation matter more. What i mean is you know why dsd is doing this and its not because she wants to be rude to you. If it was my dss id reassure him that i love him and ill always be there for him but would he prefer if i just didn't speak to him if mum is around to make things easier. Your dsd will probably be so relieved that you've offered that as she probably doesn't have the emotional maturity as a 12 year old to broach the subject or even fully articulate what is making things so difficult for her. B the situation is undoubtedly awful for you but you can walk away any time you like. Dsd is stuck in the middle of this whether she likes it or not. Its up to your dp and you in some respects to try and ease the way for her a bit.

[Nospringflower]

Although you are saying 'her mum is putting her in the situation not me', you are too by forcing her to acknowledge you in some way. I can see it may not be pleasant for you but you are putting your own feelings before your stepdaughters.

[passmethebong]

Op I understand where you are coming from. Talk to her and know when to say hi and not. The fact is this is someone who lives in your house, you feed , cloth, look after them like your own when their mother is not around. Why wouldn't you feel bad? Find away of making the situation easier to manage and less stressful

[Lookingagain]

You are part of the problem.

You are putting yourself first. You know why she is quiet, but you want to push it. Why? Power? Control? Validation from a 12 year old? Yes, adult feelings matter too, but adults are supposed to be more reasonable, more empathetic, and more able to self regulate.

The fact that you are willing to emotionally harm your DSD for petty and selfish reasons will cause great friction between you and her father. You are putting your partnership at risk for the sake of stoking the drama.

What would a mature, secure, caring adult do in this situation? Understand what is happening and why and ignore it. Making no references to it when the child is with them, but being kind and reassuring. Only broaching the subject if the child initiates the discussion.

You reap what you sow.

You aren't that mature adult yet, but I suggest you "fake it till you make it." Don't let your immediate impulses sweep you away. For your own sake as much as hers.

[Thatslife72]

Thank u yes I will speak to her and if it's best for her we don't speak when her mums around that is fine, if that makes her feel relieved then that makes me feel relived too and I'm doing my job as step mum ! She is back tomorrow for the weekend and we're doing lots of nice things so when I feel the time is right I will just mention it and tell her it's fine .

But quite frankly nosprngflower you are very very wrong about putting my feelings first, u don't know the details and how long it's been going on for nor do u know how much I do for her, I'm not forcing her at all this why I'm saying I will speak to her to see if she's ok firstly and to basically say it's fine if it helps her .

And forumdonkey I don't know what your waffling on about. I'm not trying to prove nothing, I don't get what u mean, but clearly your not understanding the situation, I want to be there for my sd and find a compromise. I'm not the bad person here and either is my sd I really appreciate the good advice though, will let u know how it goes c

[Thatslife72]

Laughable lookingagain !!!!you really don't get the situation AT ALL or me! So u don't really offer any valuable advice like some of the others on here!!