My step daughter blanks me infront of her mum. My dp and I are starting to argue.

[Thatslife72]

Hi there has been a lot going on with my dsd mum and my dp, she is very jealous as her children tend to stay with us more, my dp has always been the main carer for many reasons. Since myself and 2 children have also moved in together things have been up and down.

I'm finding it hard as my son and my youngest dsd go to the same school so at least once a week I see their mum and the oldest step daughter is there too. I completely understand that she's going to feel awkward if her mum is there especially as her mum calls me names infront of her, so I do make allowances but I just find it hard rude almost that myself and my oldest step daughter literally walk past each other and she will completely blank me, even if I say say hello. Her mum isn't usually next to her when this happens but somewhere in the area. I've discussed it with my dp who is very protective of his dd which is natural, but so much so he will start shouting at me so I've stopped saying anything. I completely get she is feeling awkward but I just expect a simple acknowledgment is that asking too much. I just can't walk past her and ignore her when we get on fine every other time and live in the same house most of the time. How should I handle this ? Please give me some advice , I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive said she did say hello or she didn't see me, but I know this isn't true. I did just say well ok just wave back or say hello if u see me , she agreed and still goes on 😏 X

It isn't just her mum putting her in this situation, it's you too. Make it easy for her, have a quick chat, tell her you know it's hard and she doesn't need to acknowledge you. And mean it.

I understand why you like the advice from people who are telling you what you want to hear, that's human nature. We are all that way.

Still, it would be wise to contemplate what Nospringflower and forumdonkey are telling you. Sometimes people who disagree with you, can give you useful food for thought. Once you have this little conversation with your DSD you cannot "un-have" it. It will be very hard not to slip into a situation where you could be portrayed as being manipulative.

That fact that you like your DSD and do nice things for her is not a justification for making emotionally demands upon her that are near impossible for her to fulfil.

If it was just you that would be one thing, but it must be confusing for your other children as well. Must feel awful being judged by other parents around too who wonder what's going on.

I think you should talk to her and agree that it's OK not to acknowledge each other, but for her to know you'll be smiling and saying hello inside your head to her. And find some way to explain to your children.

Then you just have to get on with rising above the awkwardness and horribleness of it each time...won't be easy, but you don't really have any other options I don't think. Hopefully her mum will soften over time. Poor girl being put in this position.

No I don't agree lookingagain your making judgements on something u don't understand I think u do but u don't, therefore NOT useful!!!

And you've hit the nail on the head gentlydownthestreet x

And anyway it's not about agreeing with me it's more constructive advice I was looking for, not putting me down further!!!!

I'll be honest; you're making this more dramatic than it needs to be.

She feels awkward. She's stuck in the middle.

She said hello to you.

But it's not good enough.

Can't you just do what's right for your sd in this one situation, regardless of who is creating it?

You're an adult. Do you really need your feelings validated that much?

Yessss that's what I'm doing have u read my replies ...blimey 😳

Validated huh?

Of course I am making judgements, you have come on an anonymous internet forum soliciting other people's good judgment. To the best of my ability I am trying to give you mine!

I am not trying to put you down Thatslife72. I am sincerely trying to get you to stop and think. What will make your life good in the long run, and what will satisfy your emotional impulses in the short run are two different things.

Please don't talk to her about this. She has lost her space away from all her family drama. School was a place where she was a child and not responsible for adult issues.

Now you are there every day. Not your fault but also not hers. Please try and understand this and back off. She has made it clear she doesn't want you involved in her school life. She probably feels invaded by your being there. It's such a shame your children are at the same school.

Don't add to her burden by sharing your feelings on this, she is entitled to be upset with the situation, it's horrible for her.

I think I would say something to the other DCs rather than just not say anything. Just something bland like, 'oh dear DSD doesn't like to speak to me when her mum is around' rather than leave the elephant hanging in the room. Ime if you don't say anything it makes it, in their eyes, 'something bad that DM/DSM gets upset about but doesn't talk about' instead of 'DSsis being huffy again because her mum is nearby'. IYSWIM

You are putting yourself first. You know why she is quiet, but you want to push it. Why? Power? Control? Validation from a 12 year old? Yes, adult feelings matter too, but adults are supposed to be more reasonable, more empathetic, and more able to self regulate.

It's nothing to do with this at all , I'm the least controlling person u could meet , and I never usually argue my point but I must admit I'm enjoying standing up to u lookingagain lol!

I'm not going after you. You have my sympathy.

Yeh see the situation is complicated stkildas it's not just about my feelings!.

Your missing the point lunar1 and I don't think u quite understand, it's not her school it's her sisters, she doesn't actually have to get out the car her mum could do it like every other mum does and leave her out of it completely, and it's not every day it's once or twice a week! If it's effecting our family we talk about it, then if she wants to ignore me cos it's easier for her then that's fine but we're all in the picture .

Are you digging your heels in out of stubbornness? This is her school, her sanctuary. She is not like this at other times, step back and give her this one. In school her feelings come first.

Sorry cross posted there. How do you know she has a choice, maybe her mum makes her go in.

That's what I'm saying lunar I think her mum does make her yeh have u read everything?

It's very hard for her and this is why I want to speak to her just so we both know and try to make it less awkward for all not just me! Her mum should be leaving her out of it but she's not soo we have to deal with it the best way possible, myself and my dp don't think leaving it, is the answer x

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!

NO I KNOW!!!!!

If your DP agrees with this approach, why is he shouting?

Btw, I don't think he should be shouting.

This is the biggest none issue I've ever heard "oh no dsd doesn't say hello to me" grow up.

I was going to say the same lookingagain. As you say in your title its causing arguments between you and your DP. Why would that be I wonder??

It might not be to youstandingonmytippytoes but your not dealing with it are u and I think it's u you needs to grow up feeling the need to post that! 🙄

We've had a talk about it , he sees the issue he's apologised for shouting, as I said he has been under a lot of stress with it all as we all have which I don't really want to go into, but yeh we will deal with it at the weekend in a mature and loving way