My step daughter blanks me infront of her mum. My dp and I are starting to argue.

[Thatslife72]

Hi there has been a lot going on with my dsd mum and my dp, she is very jealous as her children tend to stay with us more, my dp has always been the main carer for many reasons. Since myself and 2 children have also moved in together things have been up and down.

I'm finding it hard as my son and my youngest dsd go to the same school so at least once a week I see their mum and the oldest step daughter is there too. I completely understand that she's going to feel awkward if her mum is there especially as her mum calls me names infront of her, so I do make allowances but I just find it hard rude almost that myself and my oldest step daughter literally walk past each other and she will completely blank me, even if I say say hello. Her mum isn't usually next to her when this happens but somewhere in the area. I've discussed it with my dp who is very protective of his dd which is natural, but so much so he will start shouting at me so I've stopped saying anything. I completely get she is feeling awkward but I just expect a simple acknowledgment is that asking too much. I just can't walk past her and ignore her when we get on fine every other time and live in the same house most of the time. How should I handle this ? Please give me some advice , I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive said she did say hello or she didn't see me, but I know this isn't true. I did just say well ok just wave back or say hello if u see me , she agreed and still goes on 😏 X

[Standingonmytippytoes]

It is a bloody non issue though she doesn't talk to you in front of her mother whoopie fucking doooooooo.

Deal with other issues or "every little detail" if you have to after speaking with dsd father your dp is getting frustrated with you for bringing this up surely that should give you an idea of how to proceed.

Leave the poor pre-teen alone in a very uncomfortable situation just drop it end of.

[Thatslife72]

Yes you've made your point, that is your opinion what else do u want blimey! Good night to u

[BertieBeats]

I had to reread this as I almost thought I'd written this when half asleep or something. I have the same issue ,SD ignoring me when she's with her mum on the school run. It used to really get to me as we'd get on fine when she was at ours and got along great with her younger half siblings ,who were at the same school as her other half siblings on her mum's side. Partner wasn't surprised as he knew what his ex was like and didn't want to put her in an awkward situation where she was going to hurt someone regardless of whether she said hi or not. I kind of accepted the fact she'd ignore me but did hurt her blanking my kids but then looking back I don't think they really noticed, it's us as parents that take it to heart.
Now ,we have an unwritten rule, I pretend not to see her and she pretends not to see me. I used to get shitty about it but I've tried to put myself in her situation and I know for a fact I would have done the same thing if my dad had another partner and I'd seen her out in public whilst with my mum. Also ,I do value the fact that we do get along when she's on her own and I wouldn't want her thinking that it'd be easier to just ignore me fullstop ,as a kind of way to prove her mum has nothing to do with it IYSWIM (the kids have always been reluctant to admit that their mum has any ill feelings towards us ).

[springydaffs]

She's an ungrateful wretch who doesn't appreciate what you've done for her.

You poor thing.

(is this what you want?)

[Thatslife72]

Oh Bertie thanks for sharing, it's good to hear other stories , my kids have noticed but tbh when we're all doing things together it gets forgotten about till the next time. These kids are put in some awful positions aren't they. Yeh that's kind of were we are heading I guess pretending not to see each other. I think it just takes u back a bit doesn't it at first I'm sure we'll find a way and it won't bother us anymore. Thanks so much for sharing though x

[amarmai]

since the mum is not putting her cc first, they are lucky to have their dad and you to do that.As they get older they realise who did what .

[Itisbetternow]

I don't mention my exs partner to my kids at all in a bad way. I also don't slag off their father. We are all as amicable as one can be in that awful situation.

However I know that if I was out with my kids and bumped into exs partner they would ignore her. I would have done at that age. Infact when I was 12 I didn't want to acknowledge any adult apart from my parents.

I do feel sorry for kids in blended families - including my own.

[Thatslife72]

Thanks amarmai, nice to wake up and read that after all the hatred last night .
Itisbetternow I know what u mean these kids aren't given a choice are they, we pick are partners they're all thrown in together and left to get on with it, a lot of blended families don't work cos of all the issues, but some do I don't know the perfect answer but we just got to try our best. I wouldn't expect dsd to say anything if she was with her mum no, nor would my kids, this is when her mum is in the area but can't see. However been through all the possibilities such as how her mum would be if she spoke to me so we may have to agree to ignore each other lol

[neonrainbow]

I dunno what springydaffs problem is or why theyre goading you. Maybe their kids have got a stepmum who springydaffs doesn't like. Not your problem op. Being a stepmum is bloody hard and no matter what people would like you to believe, your feelings do matter as a stepmum and you shouldn't always come last no matter what some posters on mumsnet will tell you. (I know I've said the kid comes first but i believe she does in this particular instance. Not in every single possible scenario that might ever arise) Ive lurked on mumsnet for years and i could count on the fingers of one hand how many stepmum threads have gone by without goady people trying to get a rise out of the stepmum asking stupid questions like "were you the ow?" As though it matters at all to them. They just want another angle to beat you with. They will insinuate that by caring about the children in any way means they're overstepping on the mother who is always assumed to be a saint of some kind. I think they don't like the idea that there may be women in their children's life who they can't control, who love and care for them. But hey their insecurities are not your problem. That could also describe the real life woman in your situation that is causing all the problems.

Ignore the unhelpful responses op. Youre doing the best you can as a human being in a difficult situation.

[Lookingagain]

Sweet Jesus on a Breadstick, woman!

No one is being "hateful." A whole load of people are trying to get you to pause and think about what you are doing. To consider all angles and all consequences. For the good of everyone involved including yourself. Being a stepmum is hard, and you are making it harder for yourself through a complete lack of perspective, dignity, empathy and self control.

Do you have any children with your new DP?

[Thatslife72]

Neonrainbow, I think whatever u post these days people start being nasty, I kind of expected it. I remember posting about an abusive relationship years ago now and things people said were astonishing, but I did have alot of private messages as I have this time people giving me their stories and advice and in disbelief of the comments. Same has happened this time people been in a similar situation. It's difficult to know the right thing to do sometimes it's ok reading and judging , plus I have my dad dying of cancer at the moment so there is a lot to deal with. However people have given me some good ideas and made me think hard, and I know we're not perfect parents but all the children are happy here 85% of the time so we can't be doing too bad. Thanks for your reply and ignore any criticism u may receive for your post too x

[Slowdecrease]

So it's resolved and clarified now then? That's good.

[Thatslife72]

Well obviously not slowdecrease I don't really see the point of your post 😐

[HPsauciness]

Just to put another angle on it, my dd is 12 and has become very self-conscious about interacting with me in public/in front of school friends. I drop her off, and she runs off quick, in case anyone can hear me shout 'I love you'! She's very embarrassed by me in general, and tends to like me to say nothing, though obviously she doesn't blank me.

Your SD said 'yeh' when you said 'are you ok' so she's not blanking you, she's just minimally interacting. This is quite a normal developmental stage and although it may be partly about the mum, it may also just partly about her becoming a teen.

I think expecting little chats and to look like a family at the school, when she's with her mum, is too much. As long as she is not directly rude, I would leave it or perhaps have a chat that goes along the lines of how awkward it must be for her, rather than getting her to change.

[Thatslife72]

Oh no not chats whether her mum is there or not lol no my dd wouldn't have that either I'm not expecting hugs and chats and all that, we don't really do that anyway , it's so hard to explain I think I've said everything now I've got some really great advice both on here and privately .

[Thatslife72]

Also Hpsauciness it's not about the minimal interacting. I knew something wasn't right , she is normally a sociable girl ok she has blips she's a pre teen but it's not just about my feelings or my kids , there is something not right other things during the course of the evening happened which I'm not going into on here, but something not right I know

[Waltermittythesequel]

Stop trying to police the thread. That's so bloody annoying!

You don't get to tell people not to post, or to go away, or demand that their posts make specific points ffs!

I'm starting to see why she's ignoring you. You're quite irritating, to be frank.

[Thatslife72]

I'm sorry but I do have the right to say if someone is saying nasty things , if they have a right to say that then so do I , and if its irritating you, why read or comment on it , just move on . 🙄

[Waltermittythesequel]

See, again, that's not how it works. You don't get to control the thread.

[neonrainbow]

Waltermitty what's the point of your previous posts? Just trying to wind up a woman in a difficult step situation whose father is seriously ill. I wish more people would remember "if you've got nothing nice to say then say nothing at all". You're deliberately trying to wind her up and what is the point? If you dont like the ops posts then just ignore surely?!

[Thatslife72]

But either do u and it's my thread and if someone wants to be rude or pick silly arguments like what your doing I can do what I want u have no right to tell me how it works either. I'm not answering u anymore go and annoy someone else fgs!

[Waltermittythesequel]

Because I get sick of stepmothers having a bad rep then I read shit like this and think it's no wonder.

A grown woman's special snowflake feelings about not being greeted sufficiently politely at a school gate don't trump the feeling of a young girl caught between two sniping women, ffs.

It's just so mean to knowingly cause distress to a child which is exactly what she's doing.

So that's the point. I'm not trying to wind her up, but if her spoiled brat sentiment on this thread is indicative of her personality, I think it's fairly clear what's going on here.

[Waltermittythesequel]

It's not your thread. It's A thread. Grow up.

[Thatslife72]

You grow up, coming on here having a go at me because of your reputation u deal with your own shit, I've got plenty of my own shit to deal with u haven't got a clue what's going on. Not a fucking clue, so get off your high horse and go be the perfect step mum I'm sick of this!!! Get a life if I want to be upset about something that's down to me not u! Feel sorry for your kids if that's the strength of your empathy and maturity picking fights like this . Your the one that gives step mums s bad name not me, I'm at least trying to sort a situation out not picking petty fights with someone on here ! 🙄

[AntiqueSinger]

Wow when did this thread turn so nasty? It was all nice and fluffy when I left it last.

for you O.P. You can only try to do your best. Parenting your own doesn't come with a handbook and can be a struggle to get right, let alone parenting somebody else's.

I'm sure most people appreciate that. Just ignore the they do provide lots of opportunity for !