My step daughter blanks me infront of her mum. My dp and I are starting to argue.

[Thatslife72]

Hi there has been a lot going on with my dsd mum and my dp, she is very jealous as her children tend to stay with us more, my dp has always been the main carer for many reasons. Since myself and 2 children have also moved in together things have been up and down.

I'm finding it hard as my son and my youngest dsd go to the same school so at least once a week I see their mum and the oldest step daughter is there too. I completely understand that she's going to feel awkward if her mum is there especially as her mum calls me names infront of her, so I do make allowances but I just find it hard rude almost that myself and my oldest step daughter literally walk past each other and she will completely blank me, even if I say say hello. Her mum isn't usually next to her when this happens but somewhere in the area. I've discussed it with my dp who is very protective of his dd which is natural, but so much so he will start shouting at me so I've stopped saying anything. I completely get she is feeling awkward but I just expect a simple acknowledgment is that asking too much. I just can't walk past her and ignore her when we get on fine every other time and live in the same house most of the time. How should I handle this ? Please give me some advice , I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive said she did say hello or she didn't see me, but I know this isn't true. I did just say well ok just wave back or say hello if u see me , she agreed and still goes on 😏 X

[StKildasNun]

Some people are the stepDCs of less considerate stepmums and post on here so you are going to get a broad spectrum of opinions.

I hope the DSD appreciates that she isn't responsible for her DM's wellbeing or happiness. I think this can happen in many dysfunctional families and not deliberately, it if a parent is unhappy the DCs can feel responsible for helping to fix things. But it is a heavy burden and the parent will probably not realise what has happened if embroiled in their own problems.

[forumdonkey]

Hope you feel better now. You've forced a subject to make YOU feel better. The ex remains in the car to avoid confrontation and in your opinion that is wrong, to me that sounds very sensible. From your previous posts you've only been their 'step mother' for a few months, not the 4 years you claim.

All this just because you were feeling embarrassed and ignored in front of people in the school yard.

[Thatslife72]

Oh not u again yes I've heard you've had a lot of complaints I wonder why?! Actually by staying in the car and forcing her daughter to go is putting her dd in the very situation that has caused all this, not the other way round! And it wasn't just my feelings , it was the feelings of the whole family and by confronting the situation we are ALL happier !!!

[Thatslife72]

I said I have been with my partner for 4 years and I have known them all for 4 years actually so stop nit picking we have all been living together since last August but we have had numerous holidays, spent weekends together etc. We have had teething problems though and I hope this is one of them.

[forumdonkey]

I've had a lot of complaints? Have I? News to me but obviously you know LOL

You and your post are positively rude and self centered. What is underneath all this is your pride and the battle between you and your DP's Exw. You have only all lived together a few months, theres no wonder this poor child is acting like she does. She should come first not you and your feelings.

[Thatslife72]

No donkeyforum yours are rude , I have done the right thing I really don't care what u say I'm happy with what I've done and So is my family so carrying with your goading, yes I've heard a lot about u and quite honestly have no time for people like u !!!

[AntiqueSinger]

Oh don't bother responding Thatslife I wouldn't waste my energy if I were you. It's pointless. At the end of the day the only person who knows the reality of the situation is you. You asked for other peoples opinions, you took them on board, after that it was your perogative to do what you thought was best overall.

Other people can criticise you, but you know you did the right thing and don't have to justify it to anyone.

If it makes you feel any better, my stepmother was a cow (and the OW) who didn't give a toss about my feelings, and never asked me how I felt. And I would have loved for just one adult to ask me how I was feeling.

So I give you 10/10 for caring enough to do something that ultimately eased your SD's mind. Just ignore the haters.

[Thatslife72]

Thanks antique it just annoyed me that's all , people don't understand how hard it is . I'll shut up now lol x

[forumdonkey]

I just expect a simple acknowledgment is that asking too much. - Yes because she is dealing with it how she needs to
I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive -because she is finding it hard and awkward and you are bringing up yet again
if I avoid her then she doesn't feel awkward and I don't get upset - You are feeling upset. It's not about how you feel
it feels terrible it looks awful to everyone else - Again its about your feelings
I understand were she is at but also I need to be happy too, and the way things are I'm not so - You are the adult and more able to emotionally cope with it, she not. It's not about you
I know but I feel like absolute shit. - Your feelings again
I can't just drop it lookagain it's way past that! - You could but as it's only once a week but you are choosing not to.
But it's her mum putting her in the situation not me. - You only have control over yourself but you chose to force it
Sorry but yes my feelings DO matter, yes hers matter but so do the adults fact!!!!!! - Your feelings again. She's a little girl, you're a grown woman
u don't know the details and how long it's been going on for nor do u know how much I do for her, - You want gratitude for all you do for her Children generally don't show gratitude.
find a compromise - There doesn't need to be a compromise. A compromise is for you, to make you feel better
if she wants to ignore me cos it's easier for her then that's fine but we're all in the picture - She was ignoring you to make it easier (but only in schoolsituation) so why wasn't it fine to leave it?
would u feel if your sd u live in the same house stands next to u and completely ignores u - Again it's your hurt feelings
Everyone else sees her sister sees, the teacher sees, my children see, the other parents see oh there is just so much to it and then her own mum sits in the car smiling cos this is what she wants - It bothers you about what everyone and exw thinks.
Do u know how many people have said to me 'I can't believe u put up with that' ' that's rude' etc etc cos of what they see - It's about what everyone else thinks.

You wrap it all up as being a caring person but your posts are full of how it makes you feel and you look. Your DP was shouting at you because of it and your DSD became defensive when you have approached it before but you refuse to leave it and allow her to deal with it her way.

I care little of what you think or feel, even less of your opinion of me. I do however care about a child who is stuck in a situation which is not her making. This ignoring situation didn't need to be addressed because the only person who had the problem was you. She has now got to face another school pick up very conscious of your feelings as well as her mothers. Even if you feel you have talked it through, she is fully aware of it and her actions. IMO a terrible situation, which could have been avoided but wasn't because it was forced by you.

[gentlydownthestreamm]

I care little of what you think or feel

Would you feel the same if it was a mum posting about their DD blanking them in front of a controlling DSM?

[forumdonkey]

gentlydownthestreamm, but it isn't and this OP has only lived with the child for a few months. I am and only have thought about the feelings of the most important person IMO and that is and will always be the child. The OP is a grown up and quite frankly it is only the OP that had issues with being ignored and this was due to OP's own feelings and how she looked in the playground. Life between her and DSD seem good and harmonious the rest of the time, so why there seems a need to further stress an already distressed child is beyond me.

It was only an issue to OP who is a grown woman. She is already fully aware of the pressure this girl is under due to her DM, why would anyone add an additional issue to this child? Please I'd love to know.

A 'fab job' is not adding to an emotional childs stress more that she has already got. Suck it up and support the child don't add another problem for her. Who gives a flying fuck what the other playground mums think - OP obviously and sadly

[Thatslife72]

You do seem to have a big issue with this donkeyforum, your unfortunately seeing it very black and white I think that's how things are for you, which is fair enough things are much easier that way, but in the end it wasn't just my feelings or my issue it was the whole family but it's not going to happen now as my dp will pick my son up and then go back to work. And my dsd cared about what others thought of her and so did my children and their nan and it just esculates. Sometimes you have to talk about difficult things it gets to a point you can't brush things under the table anymore, everyone is better for talking about it, they all feel better, so if that is wrong in your eyes then so be it. I know you won't agree with me and I know u think We've done the wrong thing but I don't, and I'm the one sitting with her now watching tv. I'm sure you'll come back with something derogatory about me and pick holes with what you believe and some will agree with you possibly but we're trying our best , and we may have only lived in the same house since last August but we were together a lot for 3 years before they stayed with me most weekends, holidays and sometimes in the week so don't judge what u don't understand. Good night to u I did listen to some of your comments I could see what U mean just most I found offensive and very judgmental, u do seem to think u know best but I did ask for opinions and I got it but I just don't agree and I think if u was in the position yourself and knew the full facts u may maybe feel differently but that's not going to happen so there is nothing more to be said. Please don't carry on with it cos it's not really helping any now. Thanks

[AntiqueSinger]

Wow lookingagain and here I thought one needed a degree in clinical psychology to diagnose Narcissistic personality disorder. Apparently not! You don't even have to be acquainted with the subject in person. You just need to read a few responses on a random thread, then copy and paste from wiki and hey presto! Diagnosis confirmed!

[GiddyGiddyGoat]

The more you write the more lacking in insight and any ability to reflect on yourself you appear op. No wonder you're dp is irritated with you. I'm irritated with you and I've never met you...

[gentlydownthestreamm]

gentlydownthestreamm, but it isn't and this OP has only lived with the child for a few months

But both would be human women hurting.

A few months - since last August, so 8-9 months. Presumably being in their lives for quite a while before moving in. And the chdrens' primary residence is in this house.

I just can't believe most people wouldnt be upset by a child they regularly had in their house and looked after - whether a child, their child's friend, stepchild, whatever, was in a situation where they had to ignore them regularly. It's not about whose fault it is, or who is hurting more. It just hurts for the OP. Surely that shows she is human and cares for her DSD. At the end of the day her acting on this hurt amounts to saying hi to her DSD at the school, asking if she is OK, and then having a talk about it later on. How some posters have them taken that to the point of OP being such an awful person, I don't understand. If she has been reactionary it is on here and not towards her DSD or her mother. Just because the DSD is the worst off in all of this doesn't mean the OP should be able to turn off her feelings and not talk about them with anyone at all, online, in RL, nothing being acceptable.

[forumdonkey]

I understand OP being hurt but there is a child who from OP's own posts gone through hurt, rejection and abandonment from her own DM. Now baring in mind how this must feel for a child was it really worth adding another issue to this little girl by bringing it up with her? It didn't need to be an issue or discussed yet again. I can't see any benefit to the little girl only another issue of another adult in her life that she is now burdened with and to be aware of. OP is hurt but against what that little girl is going through with her DM do you really think it was that important? DM only has them once a week. Dsd did what most teens do - head down on the phone, given that DM was there it was easiest to deal with. All I have seen on this thread is how OP feels and how it looks for others. Yes it hurts but it's nothing what the child is going through.

In my experience, a child who's neglected, abused or abandoned has a need to please their parent and seek their approval and that need will over ride it.

[gentlydownthestreamm]

All valid, but I don't agree that bringing it up with the girl is making it worse. To me it is getting it into the open, and making sure DSD knows that OP doesn't hold the situation against her. If I was the DSD I might well be worrying that OP thought I really didn't like her at that moment or that I was making her cross by ignoring her. I think talking about it is arguably the best way forward.

[Follyfoot]

I have been a step parent for 13 years so have seen lots of difficult situations including all the children attending the same school. I think the clue to what you should - or more importantly shouldn't do next - is in your very first post.

I have discussed this with my dsd before , she went on the defensive said she did say hello or she didn't see me, but I know this isn't true

She doesnt want to talk about it with you, it makes her uncomfortable. PLEASE dont make her feel even worse by bringing it up yet again. One of my DSSs understandably found his Dad having a new partner very difficult, despite a number of years having passed. He was unpleasant and thoughtless to his Dad, and on occasions to me, including ignoring us. That was just him struggling to come to terms with everything. We both bit our tongues, tried to be supportive and non-judgmental but never tried to 'sort out' the situation, it would just have made him feel even more conflicted. We were the adults and just had to get on with it, making everything as peaceful and easy for both DSSs as possible.

You're sounding quite agitated by the responses which disagree with your proposed course of action, but maybe just reflect on what people are saying rather than taking comments as a personal affront.

[forumdonkey]

One question. Who had got the issue with it?

We've all been through really tough times - as adults. When we are dealing with really emotional, stressful stuff how would you feel if someone came to you with yet another problem to deal with? Even with the best intentions this problem they had was about something you had or hadn't done or was something that they expected of you? It's another pressure and stress and this is on a child.

It was a non issue(only to OP) and as this thread has shown it is now an issue.

Since August this little girl has got a new home that she now shares with a woman and 2 other children. She has started secondary school, had all the problems with her mother and her mother leaving her husband. Do you really think knowing all that she should have to talk through ignoring OP?

At no point has anyone said she is ignoring OP because of anything she's done, only that in the situation presented it is easiest for her.

[AvaCrowder]

Well dad is cross with op. Does he want the wimmin to fight over him? Well they are.

[JohnThomas69]

You know that Dom Jolly character that picks up his giant phone in libraries etc and screams hello.. That's the voice I hear when I read forumdonkeys posts on here. It's bizarre.

[mrsmiggins6]

I agree 1000% with forum donkey.

OP I get that you were hurt and you want to be the hero, the kind ear, the 'open' stepmum for your DSD, but can you not see how selfish that is?. That isn't the best thing for anyone. All the stuff she divulged to you she will now feel conflicted about and guilty for sharing, you've kinda drawn it out of her and it may make you feel all warm and fuzzy now but she is not going to feel better longer term. What her mum said, all those falsehoods, would have proven to be false in the passage of time anyways. e.g You clearly weren't going to stop her seeing her dad so that would have become apparent to her. It didn't need you swooping in and telling this girl that, and it is only words anyway. Whatever her mother is saying to her DD is irrelevant (sad but irrelevant) and none of your business. All you should be doing is being a kind, loving person when she is with you. NEVER mention her mother at all. If she ignores you at school, let her for goodness sake. Love her up when she is with you, that shows her that she can be any way she wants/needs to be around you. It sounds, from what you are saying, that her DM is pretty shitty - be the soft landing for her by being the calm in her storm. Keep things cheery and positive, and don't initiate deep and meaningfuls with her for your own selfish reasons. Sounds like she has one adult who is pushing her emotional needs onto her, don't be another!

[Joysmum]

You did the right thing in talking to your DSD OP.

How about practicing your ignoring skills by not responding to those who disagree. You know both sides of the debate and have wound up those you have dared to disagree with, poor things