DH: Selective infantile behaviour

[chalkychopstick]

Currently on holiday with DH and DCs but feeling like I'm going to need another one afterwards and not because of the DCs!

DH is an intelligent, professional person, highly respected by his colleagues, friends and family. However, for some strange reason, he will act like a silly child given the opportunity when nobody else is around. Around his family, a hands-on professional, efficient father- which he very much is at times and I love the grown up that he is around his parents.
When it's just us and the DCs, this just isn't the case, he becomes almost torment-like. Will make silly, loud noises for no reason, will ask me question after question after question, why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Does the fruit go in the fruit bowl? Etc etc
I find it exhausting with the DCs too and it affects my mood, I struggle to enjoy myself and constantly having to remind DH not to ask pointless questions. By the end of the day I've little patience left and end up snapping and DH and DCs. I've told myself to lighten up, enjoy myself but then I thought, hey this is my holiday too- maybe I want to act silly and shun responsibility. Why does DH get to do this and not me?

I'm starting to think that perhaps DH is subconsciously trying to torment me? Or maybe I do need to lighten up? Last night, DCs were in bed and we sat on the sofa with a glass of wine, watching a film. DH decided to begin shaking his leg constantly, I asked him to stop, he did for a short time and then started briskly again, knocking my wine glass and spilling wine on the sofa. This ended in an argument- DH tells me it was an accident and 'can't help it' if he needs to fidget, ask questions and make silly noises all the time.
Thing is: he doesn't act like this all the time, I've never seen him behave like this infront of his friends or parents.
I dont want to badmouth DH her, but I guews what I'm looking for is coping strategies? I almost think DH is waiting for an irritated reaction from me. How can I cope with this better and perhaps get DH to stop being so child-like? I want to leave this holiday without feeling the need for another.

Hello Pippa. You can't diagnose someone as a cock when you've never actually met them.

Possibilities have been suggested for the OP to consider - a wide range.

The general perception of people with OCD/ADHD/ASD is of no relevance.

I assumed Sophie was Pippa, is that not the case?

I'm an adult with ADHD. You could be describing my behaviour. When I'm working, it is stressful having to 'act NT' and home is the only place where it is safe for me to relax. I'm not a bad person, or trying to abuse my husband by annoying him. He understands that I'm just agitated/trying to unwind. The difference is that he doesn't get annoyed, or feel hurt by it. If he did, I would have even less 'safe space' and my whole life would be extremely stressful. I don't think our relationship would be sustainable.

The noises and so on do sound like he's letting his hair down when he doesn't have an audience to perform in front of. Annoying, but perfectly understandable.

With the leg shaking, he was being a twat. If he needed to shake his leg (I get that, myself. It's horrible sometimes.) he should have found a way of not making it a problem for you.

No the stupid questions - fruit in the fruit bowl, bib on the baby - tell him he's a grown man and should be able to figure it out for himself because you're blown if you're going to do his thinking for him.

When my dh asks if fruit goes in the fruit bowl, I answer, totally seriously, that it goes on the shoe rack. The ability to act 100% deadpan is key. He then has to actually think about what I said, and his brain will say....no, she's wrong, fruit goes in fruitbowl.
When he brings me crap and asks what we do with it (egg box, dump or recycle?,!?!) I will say we make new shoes for the children out of them.
He seems to have grown a brain since my sudden onset hilarity.

A woman after my own heart :o

Pippa, I completely understand your irritation at the assumption that any irritating behaviour is somehow ASD-related, but MANY posters here have neurodivergent family members (my son has a diagnosis of Asperger's and DH is severely dyslexic) and can recognise the behaviours described all too well. particularly the leg-jiggling thing.

I feel far more angry with posters who insist this is all premeditated abusive activity designed to annoy and intimidate the OP. My DH is quite genuinely unaware of what he is doing most of the time. His snippy responses when called on it are because he is deeply embarrassed. My DS with ASD has a noticeable physical tic which we all do our best to ignore, because he becomes extremely upset and defensive if anyone draws attention to it, and completely denies it is happening.

Anyone who lives with a 'stimmer', whatever their diagnostic status, will recognise the compulsive nature of these annoying traits which are often anxiety related. High-functioning neurodivergent children and adults develop elaborate coping strategies over time to deal with and appear 'normal' in the NT world (school, work, extended family). They need to wind down at home, sometimes in ways which are difficult for other family members to live with.

I usually send them off to blast space-zombie-aliens on the Xbox for a few hours. Bad Wife, Naughty Mummy.

Keeptrudging .

You just described it all far better than I could!

My outlet (weather permitting) is strimming/chopping/throwing things in the garden. My DH can see when I'm struggling, he's a very lovely man, and will send me out to the garden - it's the adult equivalent of blasting zombies. He's never made me feel bad about who I am, he acknowledges it but gives me space to unwind.

Since when has MN told posters off for swearing?? I mean, SM posters even have swear words in their username.
Also SM posters thing ANY behaviour that is out of the ordinary is emotional abuse or a form of control cos that's the only thing they bloody well comment on!
I think "God here they come again, like a broken bloody record!" I think they just cut and paste their responses cos they read like a script with little or no variation.

Just my observations....

MNHQ are OK with swearing, just not with personally offensive comments or with bunfights.

Pippa reported her post herself.

What is SM?

SOME lol it's just me being lazy on my phone....

Ah ok.

I was trying to make up my own mind on it and scaring myself

Wots NT? There's a heck of a lot of abbreviations on MN so I won't ask anymore it's like a secret code!

Neuro typical 'normal'

Ah thanks.

I personally dislike the term, as who is to say what's 'normal'. I think a lot of NT people are weird !

Yes I think NT itself has a huge spectrum!lol

Well, yes, the Normal curve can be wide. It's the shape that matters.

That's precisely why neurotypical is used instead of normal. It doesn't mean normal, it does mean typical in the sense of not having any neurological or mental health condition. "Normal" implies that those of us who do sense the world a little differently from the majority are not normal.

If he enjoys it, but knows it irritates you, I wonder if he continues to do it because he feels you should accept it because you love him as he is? Not that I'm saying you should, or that it makes sense.

Hmm I think k it's normal to leave your partner unwind the way that works for them.
I do t think it's ok for someone to impose a behaviour to others when they know it's annoying just because it's their way to unwind.

Now I have to say, I can understand the fidgeting but the asking stupid questions, not so much.
I wouldn't bother to answer or would just do what I do with my own dcs and ask 'well what do you think? Where is that going?'
I would move from the sofa of the fidgeting was too much or I would move out of the room when he is singing.

Is he doing it to compete for attention with the children?

Have you thought of using a star chart for him?

Maybe you didn't notice before children, as you didn't also have them asking questions?