DH: Selective infantile behaviour

[chalkychopstick]

Currently on holiday with DH and DCs but feeling like I'm going to need another one afterwards and not because of the DCs!

DH is an intelligent, professional person, highly respected by his colleagues, friends and family. However, for some strange reason, he will act like a silly child given the opportunity when nobody else is around. Around his family, a hands-on professional, efficient father- which he very much is at times and I love the grown up that he is around his parents.
When it's just us and the DCs, this just isn't the case, he becomes almost torment-like. Will make silly, loud noises for no reason, will ask me question after question after question, why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Does the fruit go in the fruit bowl? Etc etc
I find it exhausting with the DCs too and it affects my mood, I struggle to enjoy myself and constantly having to remind DH not to ask pointless questions. By the end of the day I've little patience left and end up snapping and DH and DCs. I've told myself to lighten up, enjoy myself but then I thought, hey this is my holiday too- maybe I want to act silly and shun responsibility. Why does DH get to do this and not me?

I'm starting to think that perhaps DH is subconsciously trying to torment me? Or maybe I do need to lighten up? Last night, DCs were in bed and we sat on the sofa with a glass of wine, watching a film. DH decided to begin shaking his leg constantly, I asked him to stop, he did for a short time and then started briskly again, knocking my wine glass and spilling wine on the sofa. This ended in an argument- DH tells me it was an accident and 'can't help it' if he needs to fidget, ask questions and make silly noises all the time.
Thing is: he doesn't act like this all the time, I've never seen him behave like this infront of his friends or parents.
I dont want to badmouth DH her, but I guews what I'm looking for is coping strategies? I almost think DH is waiting for an irritated reaction from me. How can I cope with this better and perhaps get DH to stop being so child-like? I want to leave this holiday without feeling the need for another.

Oh goodness the standard range of men responses on here
I don't know what you should do but dh does the same and we have argued about it. I say that I wish I was married to a grown up and he points out all the times that he is a grown up and then points out that the responsibilities he feels to keep on top of everything are huge. I say it is still fucking annoying when you wind the kids up into a frenzied mess then tell them off. And we get to hmmmm fair point.
All calm for a few days then it happens again.
I am not about to leave and I don't think he is being abuvsive. Just really annoying!!!

Always so sad if someone asks for coping strategies so she can put up with a partner who treats her with disdain

And exactly OP, why does HE get to act like kid and YOU need to be always the responsible sensible one...

To be honest he sounds selfish and like he does not care about your feelings. How to cope with this?

Ehm... Throw your self respect in the bin, take drugs, drink wine, and smile through gritted teeth at the childman

Auto correct mn to men. How wrong could it be😀

I would completely ignore him. He gets in your face with repeated questions I'd tell him something ridiculous like, 'Tell it to the hand, cuz the face ain't listening.' Over and over.

I'd plan holidays with other people. He asks why, I'd tell him.

It's difficult because in the scheme of things, he's not committing an offence or a crime, he's not insulting your person, he's not sleeping around as far as we know.

He's a committed husband with a sideline in emotional fuckwittery.

For me this would come under 'we cannot communicate and have different opinions on acceptable behaviour and what is annoying and he won't listen when I tell him I hate it'.

That's not like serious stuff, really, but it's the sort of thing I would have ended a relationship over if I wasn't committed to the person.

I mean life's too short to spend it with a goon who you're losing respect for. But then, you're married, you have kids together - it's a question of balance isn't it?

Maybe marriage counselling might be an option though I doubt he would agree to it if he won't even listen to you.

I spent 15 years with a misery guts who would never sing around the house or mess around with the kids or lighten the mood so personally it wouldn't bother me.

Sounds a bit like my other half used to behave! He eventually stopped when he realised how annoying it was for me (I would ignore his questions and ask him why he's making silly noises. He still does the fidget thing, but I know many have "restless leg syndrome" or whatever it's called, so I don't think he can help it.) Sounds terrible perhaps, but he did stop, and now behaves like a normal adult :O

I understand its annoying and draining but don't think it's deliberate.My DSD and her uncle (dh's brother) are like this.He will make odd noises when he is relaxed or enjoying himself.DSD18 is doing very well at school but would ask the exact same questions as your dh.An example is 'where does this go?' despite having lived in the house for 5 years. I do find it draining as you spend your time responding to bland questions rather than really talking.

I wish I knew how to deal with it, often I just ignore it as she figures it out for herself.I think it's just her way of communicating for social interaction.With friends she tries to be highly competent so doesnt do the same although it slips out and they often laugh at her.

I too wonder whether it is a coping stratergy for his stressful work. Especially if things are repetitive. Maybe suggest he sees someone to talk through more productive ways to relax that dont cause you anxiety. Ive a good male friend who has a very stressful city job. He has a mistress to unwind and he is submissive to her. It doesnt annoy his wife as she has no idea, but id still look for a better method.

He's entertaining himself, not the children. You are his primary audience and your reaction is his reward

He is controlling your mood to amuse himself, deliberately or not, because he's enjoying the results

Somehow you have to blank him to get through this holiday with your sanity intact. Good luck!

I get it. My partner comes from a family of people who like to make a noise - his father is constantly drumming, singing and whistling and his siblings will shout over each other to make "funny" comments instead of having an actual conversation. Is it maybe something he's grown up with?

I've gradually been training my partner out of it. When he makes his "funny" (not funny...) comments I say things like "isn't it a shame when people would rather be funny than nice?". Or "you are not the entertainment!".

In his case I think it was generally a lack of consciousness about how annoying it was, and how it made him appear to other people. We've had the "I want to go out with an adult" conversation. I don't understand how he can hold down a responsible job but not be able to handle normal stuff round the house. That's a work in progress.

I'm starting to think that perhaps DH is subconsciously trying to torment me?

Well...
Don't underestimate your instincts.

My husband has ADHD- we're both teachers and work together. He is incredibly sensible at work but when we're leaving he will almost have to have a 'blowout' after being 'normal' all day so will make up and sing stupid songs (about frogs etc) most of the way home as well as shout at pheasants out of the window. It's incredibly weird but I think it's funny.

Tbf I understand why you would be annoyed at having to be the only adult for the whole of a holiday though.

If it's been post children, could he at some level miss that all your attention was on him and demand it by being childish as well?
He's certainly not engaging the children, so it has to be you.

I do think this needs to be addressed full on. You should tell him you realise what he's doing and that he may need professional help if he can't stop himself. Perhaps go for couple's counselling to address this issue (with quite a lot of single counselling for him, and possibly you too).

At some point, and if it doesn't improve, you will have to ask yourself if you want a partner or a jealous child. Because he will learn to thrive on you being irritated with him and on seeing you upset. I've seen it, I've been there and it becomes abuse.
Now is the time for him to stop it. Or, for your sanity and for the sake of not giving an example of a bad relationship, you will have to leave.

My dad was like this. He would sing embarrassing, loud songs, make weird noises and pretend to be in a spaceship or whatever when driving the car. I think maybe it started when we were little to be 'entertaining' but carried on when I was an adult. I used to hate holidays and things and he made me really cringe.

He had a very very high-powered corporate job and I think it was all a bit of a release from a stressful environment. I never noticed my mum being phased by it though and I'm not sure how he would have reacted if she'd told him to cut it out.

I don't think it's some weird form of control or abuse in your case but I do think you need to ask him why he does it. My DH speaks in a slightly different accent when he talks to his dad, I think it's deliberate but he insists its not. Sometimes people don't realise they are doing strange things!

Coping strategies?

Well I'd try and have a talk with him tonight about it. I'd tell him how infuriating and deeply unsexy his behaviour is and how you're starting to lose respect for him.

I'd suggest he goes to see a GP if he honestly can control himself around other adults but not around you.

I'd get through this holiday and if his behaviour continues, and you decide that you're going to put up with it, then I would never go on holiday alone with him again. If he asked I'd tell him why - "because you behave like a twat when it's just us".

oh god my DH makes weird little chirruping noises like the cat at times & also does this weird thing when he's waking up as if he's confused - talks nonsense for a while - I think he thinks it's "cute" somehow

I hate it & feel your pain OP

I can think of a few strategies here to try to stop him doing this. It's not about you coping with his behaviour; you shouldn't have to suddenly have to parent another child when he's around.

1. Do it back, in fact get in there first. Start repeating nonsense, dancing around, jiggling about, ask questions back or ask them first, don't do ANYTHING responsible and leave it all to him. I'm noticing a lot of these things are around you doing "wife work" such as shopping, cooking, meal planning, organising DC - why are you doing all this instead of him?
2. Video him being a dick and tell him it's going on Facebook and you're tagging all his family and colleagues.
3. Insist that you get relationship counselling with a therapist who is experienced in improving communications.

I do think it's more likely that he's abdicating responsibility when he gets the chance and effectively de-stressing from a pressurized work environment, and perhaps his family environment is quite over-achievy as well? I think this is more likely than he's just doing it to wind you up on purpose - however he needs to realise it's not acceptable and develop more healthy methods of coping with stress, like hitting the gym on a Friday night, or doing structured play with the DCs.

The jiggling leg thing also makes me wonder if he has undiagnosed ADHD which he forces down during the work week.

By "family environment" I mean his family of origin, not you and the DC.

This sounds like gaslighting.

Don't react to him as that's what he wants. Let him get on being silly and if he asks ridiculous questions just say vaguely, 'I'm not sure'.

I would probably record it on my phone if he was singing one line over and over repeatedly or just shouting out noises.

Ultimately though, I would have to speak with him about this and tell him that it was annoying and he should stop. If he cannot respect that then I would be making arrangements to separate and end the relationship.

I fear that none of those strategies you have suggested Pocket will be successful. Why should she also act in a similarly to her distressing way in front of him?.

Abuse is not at all related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication; abuse is about power and control. Victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. She has already talked to him about this matter. Counselling assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

If counselling is mooted here I would urge the OP to go on her own because she can then talk in both a calm and safe environment.

He does not act like this around any other person so why the OP, why is she being singled out here?. He does this because he can and it works for him, it gives him what he wants.

I just don't think it's abusive, Atilla. There are lots of behaviours we all display with our closest family that we wouldn't show in front of colleagues/FOO. Because we feel comfortable to let down our barriers with them. I think the behaviour as described is purely about him, not about him trying to manipulate or control the OP.

Of course we're both sat here behind our screens and only he really knows why he's doing it, and only OP knows where her limits are.

DH is an intelligent, professional person, highly respected by his colleagues, friends and family

I think this is the key. Presumably at work he gets lots of attention from colleagues and juniors. At home, he should be in a more reciprocal arrangement, where he gets attention from you and DCs, but also needs to give some attention back again. I suspect that his "silly" behaviour is intended to keep the spotlight on himself and avoid having to give others their fair share of his attention. I suspect the best strategy is either to ignore it as much as possible, or name it openly as attention-seeking behaviour and suggest that he try more mature ways of engaging with you.

I keep referencing back to the initial post of OP's; this behaviour of his is not acceptable on any level at all. I still think he acts like this because he can and this level of control works for him; he is getting something out of it at the OPs emotional expense. It is also interesting to note that this further escalated after their children came into being.

OP does not need coping strategies; she instead needs clear and consistently applied boundaries as to what she will and will not accept from him.

I think they key question is "why". If it is abusive, then one set of responses is needed. If what you are describing is his pressure valve, then expecting him to suppress all his "tics" would be unkind and damaging - better then to negotiate an alternative.

Perhaps because she is with him in private? I do lots of things in front of dh that no-one else sees (slob around in PJs, fart around on my phone, yawn without covering my mouth, sing). I think having a private and public persona is normal.