DH: Selective infantile behaviour

[chalkychopstick]

Currently on holiday with DH and DCs but feeling like I'm going to need another one afterwards and not because of the DCs!

DH is an intelligent, professional person, highly respected by his colleagues, friends and family. However, for some strange reason, he will act like a silly child given the opportunity when nobody else is around. Around his family, a hands-on professional, efficient father- which he very much is at times and I love the grown up that he is around his parents.
When it's just us and the DCs, this just isn't the case, he becomes almost torment-like. Will make silly, loud noises for no reason, will ask me question after question after question, why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Does the fruit go in the fruit bowl? Etc etc
I find it exhausting with the DCs too and it affects my mood, I struggle to enjoy myself and constantly having to remind DH not to ask pointless questions. By the end of the day I've little patience left and end up snapping and DH and DCs. I've told myself to lighten up, enjoy myself but then I thought, hey this is my holiday too- maybe I want to act silly and shun responsibility. Why does DH get to do this and not me?

I'm starting to think that perhaps DH is subconsciously trying to torment me? Or maybe I do need to lighten up? Last night, DCs were in bed and we sat on the sofa with a glass of wine, watching a film. DH decided to begin shaking his leg constantly, I asked him to stop, he did for a short time and then started briskly again, knocking my wine glass and spilling wine on the sofa. This ended in an argument- DH tells me it was an accident and 'can't help it' if he needs to fidget, ask questions and make silly noises all the time.
Thing is: he doesn't act like this all the time, I've never seen him behave like this infront of his friends or parents.
I dont want to badmouth DH her, but I guews what I'm looking for is coping strategies? I almost think DH is waiting for an irritated reaction from me. How can I cope with this better and perhaps get DH to stop being so child-like? I want to leave this holiday without feeling the need for another.

If I could understand your post I might be able to respond.

To be honest, I think that the OP is sounding like a teenager embarrassed by her dad's good moods rather than a partner. When I feel like everyone around me is being silly or pointless, especially when they are enjoying themselves, I know I am either completely exhausted or on the edge of depression and desparatley need a break.

My grandad used to sing as he shaved, but ran a department store, he wasn't any if the trendy new 'diseases' dull people have invented to control other people's behaviour, he was just someone who loved to share his good moods. Compare this to someone who wants their bad moods to another and control everyone else until they are miserable too.

I feel sorry for you both.

You because he's obviously annoying you to death.

Him because I think he sounds very anxious. I doubt very much he's doing these things to annoy you, but that's how you're taking it. (Along with some people on here)

Maybe explore the possibility he's stressed to fuck before condemning him to being an abusive H?

He says that he does it to entertain the children

he's a very laid back person

He shuns responsibility at home but seeks it out at work

He's never acted like this in front of his parents

He has no self awareness and blames someone else for all his symptoms

Im not an expert , but IME none of these things fit well with most of the diagnoses above. Ive never heard of AHDH or ASD only developing after your wife gives birth . And he had no symptoms during childhood ? How odd

Can we PLEASE stop diagnosing everyone who acts like a cock with ASD?

First, no-one is diagnosing anyone. Second, I agree ASD is overused here to explain general fuckwittage, as is NPD. Massively. But in this instance, however, on the details of the behaviours, I think is totally valid as a suggestion.

Repetitive body behaviours are characteristic of ASD as I'm sure you know - such as arm-flapping, finger-flicking etc. Leg-jiggling may be his particular form of 'stimming'.

What you seem to be saying Pippa is this man doesn't behave like you or your kids ergo he's not ASD.

The only way to find out is for him to get tested.

I agree Kr1stina, surely Aspergers doesn't just materialize? The OP hasn't said he's always bn like this, it's a more recent problem. I thought people were born with Aspergers, so why would an adult just suddenly develop it?
No offence but I think people, inc health pros, are to eager to stick a label on anythin that is remotely out of the ordinary. A label for everyone so they can conveniently be stuck in a catagory and treated.....
IME they like to give a vague diagnosis with "traits" of wotever else is lying around! cos that covers everything doesn't it?!
A pill for every ill and all that....I know people who've bn "medicalised" and are now dependent on meds just for demonstrating normal, appropriate emotions when goin thru a tough time.
Don't b so quick to "diagnose" I say. Esp if it's obv not physical where it can b catagorically "proven" with physical investigations, I.e bloods, MRI, microbiology etc....
There's somethin very subjective and lacking in evidence about asking a person some questions and calling it a diagnostic tool.
OK, tangent finished.

I get a bit hyperactive and weird myself in the evenings when I am starting to relax. My partner often says he doesn't know how I'm so active at that time when he's so tired lol. I think it's just a release of any stress... I feel so much stress when my son is awake during the day as I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility and need to do everything for him and don't find time for me, that in the evening I just want to let my hair down, have a laugh and be my true self without having to put on hairs and graces for anyone else.

I highly doubt this is abusive behaviour or that he's deliberately annoying you. Chances are he doesn't realise why it's annoying you, and he just wants to relax and release some stress. It must be hard for him too if he's as hard working as you say it is and sounds like he's trying to act like someone he isn't around others so they don't think he's a nutter, but he really just wants to sing, dance and be a bit of a prat for a laugh, perhaps.

Kr1stina

We've no idea whether he had symptoms in childhood, the OP has given no info about that. It's important the OP talks to his mum. He may well have manifested these behaviours in childhood and they're resurging now..

It's possible for behaviours to intensify in response to stress and anxiety - having children well could be a trigger.

The fact that he holds himself together with his parents and at work, doesn't tell you anything

If I were the OP, I'd want to rule neurological issues out.

Dixie I wasn´t referring to Autism/Aspergers there. I sort of morphed into referring to other ¨non-physical/visable¨ diagnoses, esp along Mental Health lines. I don´t profess to know diddley squat about Autism/Aspergers. I was just generalizing about The System tbh.

I am happy to ¨love¨ on any planet that can be inhabited.

Pippa, I have a son at the most severe end of the spectrum and an ex husband who is quite possibly HFA. I also have 2 nieces who are HFA.

If its all right with you I'll continue to have an opinion.

Not that you stand a chance of shutting me up anyway.

Oh fuck it, yes say whatever you like, all of you.

Oh fuck it, yes say whatever you like, all of you

Ive already said I will, and no amount of swearing or any other kind of nonsense from you will change that.

Ahem

I'm trying to leave the thread. That's all. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone, I reacted angrily to what I perceived were unfounded comments, and for some reason today it is all bohering me a bit too much. Please accept my apologies, yes I am swearing and yes I am pissed off, it's not your fault.

Sorry, Olivia.

There is indeed loads of armchair diagnosing on this thread.

I think it's more likely to be a NT DH behaving like a cock!

Abuse or cockery is as much as 'armchair diagnosis' as any other kind.

I don't see diagnoses here, just points to consider.

No, it isn't. (I have changed names and am already on this thread, for disclosure)

You can 'disgnose' someone being a cock without it impacting on perception of others who might or might not be cocks.

If you suggest a medical diagnosis then it has implications for others with that condition.

*diagnose

Well me and Pippa have just had a nice wee natter off list and all is well between us