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Original poster

DH: Selective infantile behaviour

213 replies

chalkychopstick · 16/02/2016 07:58

Currently on holiday with DH and DCs but feeling like I'm going to need another one afterwards and not because of the DCs!

DH is an intelligent, professional person, highly respected by his colleagues, friends and family. However, for some strange reason, he will act like a silly child given the opportunity when nobody else is around. Around his family, a hands-on professional, efficient father- which he very much is at times and I love the grown up that he is around his parents.
When it's just us and the DCs, this just isn't the case, he becomes almost torment-like. Will make silly, loud noises for no reason, will ask me question after question after question, why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Does the fruit go in the fruit bowl? Etc etc
I find it exhausting with the DCs too and it affects my mood, I struggle to enjoy myself and constantly having to remind DH not to ask pointless questions. By the end of the day I've little patience left and end up snapping and DH and DCs. I've told myself to lighten up, enjoy myself but then I thought, hey this is my holiday too- maybe I want to act silly and shun responsibility. Why does DH get to do this and not me?

I'm starting to think that perhaps DH is subconsciously trying to torment me? Or maybe I do need to lighten up? Last night, DCs were in bed and we sat on the sofa with a glass of wine, watching a film. DH decided to begin shaking his leg constantly, I asked him to stop, he did for a short time and then started briskly again, knocking my wine glass and spilling wine on the sofa. This ended in an argument- DH tells me it was an accident and 'can't help it' if he needs to fidget, ask questions and make silly noises all the time.
Thing is: he doesn't act like this all the time, I've never seen him behave like this infront of his friends or parents.
I dont want to badmouth DH her, but I guews what I'm looking for is coping strategies? I almost think DH is waiting for an irritated reaction from me. How can I cope with this better and perhaps get DH to stop being so child-like? I want to leave this holiday without feeling the need for another.

OP posts:
Lanark2 · 16/02/2016 20:35

Wow, imagine someone relaxing and being silly around people they love! Why can everyone be buttoned-up Fauntleroy's and Christian spinsters, 'pass me the salt' HmmHonestly! Read the naked ape.

DixieNormas · 16/02/2016 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/02/2016 20:53

Being like this with only one person and only when there are no witnesses is the bit that makes this seem like tormenting not an undiagnosed condition.

OP, if you suspect he is deliberately baiting you like a twattish little brother, tormenting you purely for the fun of getting rise out of you, then surely you have to test your theory.

Have you thought about how you could you do that?

LeaLeander · 16/02/2016 20:57

If he's doing it deliberately, video him and put it on YouTube and direct his family, coworkers and friends to view "the other DH." I bet that would put a stop to it right quick.

Galvanised · 16/02/2016 20:58

ASD and ADHD are linked 30% of the time! it certainly sounds like ADHD-like behaviour. He needs to find some sort of acceptable/alternative self-stimulating/soothing behaviour.
You could google 'sensory diet' and see if anything there might help.
It's very normal for people on the spectrum/with ADHD to be able to hold it together when they really need to, but it all spills out when they can relax a bit.

Duckdeamon · 16/02/2016 21:03

Yes, as a PP has said, does he do this when he's doing things he enjoys? (Doubt it)

Yseulte · 16/02/2016 21:06

Oh of course! Repetitive questions and repetitive behaviours like the leg-jiggling are typical of ASD.

I get a sense of anxiety in this guy which also fits.

Good call.

Meeep · 16/02/2016 21:22

I feel bad for him, some of the responses he's getting on here. He's letting out his stresses in an annoying way, but he clearly needs to let them out.
There's no need to demonize him.

LeaLeander · 16/02/2016 21:27

No one is demonizing him for letting out stress but his wife has told him it's very annoying and unnerving. He is being demonized for inflicting his controllable behavior on her when she has repeatedly asked him not to.

Yseulte · 16/02/2016 21:30

While I don't dispute that this feels unliveable for the OP, there's no evidence that he's aware of his behaviour affects her or that he can control it.

The fact that he can control it at work is not relevant because that's quite common in ASD.

Yseulte · 16/02/2016 21:32

It sounds to me like he may be repeating behaviours that he did as a child - which is why I suggested OP talked to MIL about it.

If the issues weren't addressed in childhood - perhaps his mother just thought it was 'him'.

MoominPie22 · 16/02/2016 21:36

Meeep then maybe he needs an outlet so he can express himself and channel all those ¨stresses¨, like taking up break dancing, martial arts or becoming a stand up comedian, rather than irritating the hell out of his wife. Hmm

Agree with runrabbit if it was indeed due to Aspergers, for instance, then surely by now others would have bore witness to his antics. Surely he doesn´t exclusively relax around his wife?....He must hang out with mates and family members sometimes, in which case it would manifest presumably. And then of course there´s alcohol which relaxes and loosens inhibitions....

So he´s not always gonna be doing his de-stressing around his wife and kids only.

But what has he said in his defence or by way of explaination? I would certainly be interested to see what he would make of a recording of himself if she does a ¨candid camera¨ on him. How old are the kids? Maybe ask the eldest to record him while you´ve got his attention next time....

If he´s not doing it to wind you up then I think some psychiatric help might be in order. For him, not you! Wink

Lweji · 16/02/2016 21:37

but he clearly needs to let them out.

We don't actually know that at all. I doubt the OP knows herself and perhaps only he will know if he really needs to or chooses to.

whitehandledkitchenknife · 16/02/2016 22:49

Unfortunately, it is extremely likely that OP is the only one who gets to see this behaviour, if indeed it is undiagnosed aspergers/adhd. It is also likely that husband has developed complex coping mechanisms over a life time to try and manage the underlying anxiety which is at the root of such conditions.

OP - you have my total sympathy.

There are two really good websites that you may want to look at. They may strike a chord. They may not.

www.adhdmarriage.com and www.different-together.co.uk

whitehandledkitchenknife · 16/02/2016 22:49

Unfortunately, it is extremely likely that OP is the only one who gets to see this behaviour, if indeed it is undiagnosed aspergers/adhd. It is also likely that husband has developed complex coping mechanisms over a life time to try and manage the underlying anxiety which is at the root of such conditions.

OP - you have my total sympathy.

There are two really good websites that you may want to look at. They may strike a chord. They may not.

www.adhdmarriage.com
www.different-together.co.uk

crazyhead · 16/02/2016 23:47

Serious talk maybe followed by him going to gp to start process of highlighting what is really going on? He doesn't sound a nasty man, but he does need to clearly understand that this behaviour will unravel the marriage so he can make his choices accordingly.

Lanark2 · 17/02/2016 04:20

I must admit, I tell my girlfriend to behave when she is acting out and she is happy with me forcing her back into her work personality, or formal social personality when she inadvertently slips into being herself. Its good for her..right up until she has the full psychotic breakdown

MattDillonsPants · 17/02/2016 04:57

What you explain reminds me of some children with Aspergers. Keeping it all under wraps until they are in a safe place...ie at home with loved ones...then it all comes out.

Could he have Aspergers OP?

notonyurjellybellynelly · 17/02/2016 05:05

Im another one thinking Aspergers, and I agree with Lanark/Matt in that people can cope in a work or school situation then have to let it all out once home.

Its what was in my mind by way of reply before they posted their thoughts on it.

PippaHotamus · 17/02/2016 07:34

Oh for goodness sake.

Can we PLEASE stop diagnosing everyone who acts like a cock with ASD?

Please?

It's really offensive to those of us who have, or who have children with, the condition.

'Leg jiggling' FFS is not a typical symptom of ASD. Neither is refusing to stop being a cock when someone tells you it upsets them.

I am so sick to death of this.

DixieNormas · 17/02/2016 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 17/02/2016 07:47

Quite.

For me it's very telling that it's associated with the children and it started when they showed up.
It doesn't sound like release or let off steam but a call for attention. Which is not on or fair on the OP at all.

PippaHotamus · 17/02/2016 07:49

But why can't people just say 'this sounds like ADHD'? I fail to see elements of autism in his behaviour, at least in the relevant behaviours.

It doesn't matter if ADHD and autism can be linked. That's nothing to do with it, surely? I don't want to encourage people to link them all the time. They are two separate conditions that might be co-morbid.

I just find it so depressing that people lump everything together.

Perhaps I'm being elitist Smile

PippaHotamus · 17/02/2016 07:52

What I mean is yes, of course some children with either condition can at times be a complete pain in the arse and not know when to stop. So can other children (I have on without ASD, one with, and one we don't know yet - they all do it)

As an adult with ASD, I'm aware that I used to do this as a child too. But as an adult I stop when someone finds my behaviour stupid or annoying. That's normal surely. You learn by this time that when people tell you to shut the fuck up, it's best to do so, unless you want to piss them off completely.

whitehandledkitchenknife · 17/02/2016 08:04

PippaHotamus - I suggest that you read up a little on the impact of living with an undiagnosed adult aspergers and living with the impact of living with undiagnosed adult ADHD.
Nobody is diagnosing.
Nobody is being offensive.
Get down off your high horse.