DH: Selective infantile behaviour

[chalkychopstick]

Currently on holiday with DH and DCs but feeling like I'm going to need another one afterwards and not because of the DCs!

DH is an intelligent, professional person, highly respected by his colleagues, friends and family. However, for some strange reason, he will act like a silly child given the opportunity when nobody else is around. Around his family, a hands-on professional, efficient father- which he very much is at times and I love the grown up that he is around his parents.
When it's just us and the DCs, this just isn't the case, he becomes almost torment-like. Will make silly, loud noises for no reason, will ask me question after question after question, why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Does the fruit go in the fruit bowl? Etc etc
I find it exhausting with the DCs too and it affects my mood, I struggle to enjoy myself and constantly having to remind DH not to ask pointless questions. By the end of the day I've little patience left and end up snapping and DH and DCs. I've told myself to lighten up, enjoy myself but then I thought, hey this is my holiday too- maybe I want to act silly and shun responsibility. Why does DH get to do this and not me?

I'm starting to think that perhaps DH is subconsciously trying to torment me? Or maybe I do need to lighten up? Last night, DCs were in bed and we sat on the sofa with a glass of wine, watching a film. DH decided to begin shaking his leg constantly, I asked him to stop, he did for a short time and then started briskly again, knocking my wine glass and spilling wine on the sofa. This ended in an argument- DH tells me it was an accident and 'can't help it' if he needs to fidget, ask questions and make silly noises all the time.
Thing is: he doesn't act like this all the time, I've never seen him behave like this infront of his friends or parents.
I dont want to badmouth DH her, but I guews what I'm looking for is coping strategies? I almost think DH is waiting for an irritated reaction from me. How can I cope with this better and perhaps get DH to stop being so child-like? I want to leave this holiday without feeling the need for another.

"I'm starting to think that perhaps DH is subconsciously trying to torment me? Or maybe I do need to lighten up? Last night, DCs were in bed and we sat on the sofa with a glass of wine, watching a film. DH decided to begin shaking his leg constantly, I asked him to stop, he did for a short time and then started briskly again, knocking my wine glass and spilling wine on the sofa. This ended in an argument- DH tells me it was an accident and 'can't help it' if he needs to fidget, ask questions and make silly noises all the time".

Note that he has not apologised for his actions. Why did this end in a row; my guess is that the whole thing with the wine glass was engineered to cause one.

Yes I get the fact that we have a public and private face at home but what you describe here re slobbing in PJs is normal and actions not deliberately set out to upset others. This man's private face is not at all pleasant.

Are fidgeting and making noises always done to annoy others, they seem like pretty standard self-soothing techniques to me?

To me the OP's husband doesn't sound abusive, but more like someone who is struggling with the stress and pressure of other areas of his life and needing somewhere to decompress. Maybe that's rubbish and he's just an abusive arse but if it is true then just telling him to hold it together 24/7 will be likely be a fairly spectacular failure.

There are lots of behaviours we all display with our closest family that we wouldn't show in front of colleagues/FOO. Because we feel comfortable to let down our barriers with them.

Even if your behaviour was distressing your partner?

This man knows it is a problem but does nothing at all to try and curtail his behaviour.

He's doing it on purpose. Because he enjoys annoying his wife.

Could you go on hotel holidays, so there is less responsible stuff needs doing. The reason my mum never went self catering as it wasn't a holiday for her at all, just the same shit different county.

He shouldn't need to suppress his ticks, but he should respect the OP.
She feels tormented, and we keep telling pps here to pay attention to their instincts.

When my dh asks if fruit goes in the fruit bowl, I answer, totally seriously, that it goes on the shoe rack. The ability to act 100% deadpan is key. He then has to actually think about what I said, and his brain will say....no, she's wrong, fruit goes in fruitbowl.

When he brings me crap and asks what we do with it (egg box, dump or recycle?,!?!) I will say we make new shoes for the children out of them.

He seems to have grown a brain since my sudden onset hilarity.

I agree with CaleighDoodle it might be a stress thing. He may be feeling strung out to repeatedly sing or ask the same thing - it may be a form of OCD.

I'd ask his mum if behaved like this growing up - I think you can do so without 'badmouthing' him.

Very annoying though, unliveably annoying.

If he has any mental health issues (stress, OCD, ADHD, whatever), then he should pay attention to the OP telling him it's upsetting her and seeking professional help.
His choice to seek help or just ignore the OP, really. But if he chooses to ignore, then what is the OP to do?

I'd want to rule out some kind of problem before concluding that it's solely to wind you up.

He should be ruling out any problem. That is the issue. He should be worried that he can't but upset the OP.

does the fruit go in the fruit bowl? no

are we having beans? no

where does this go? up jacks arse

and repeat do not engage in it i always found a long drawn out hmmm? when my ex pulled out the irritating behaviour i would ignore and mmmmm? mkay etc

Xpost, I agree Lweji.

I think the OP has to sit him down and tell him how much it's affecting her to the point that it could destroy the marriage.

If he chooses not to hear or to get help, she's got some tough choices to make.

He may not be fully aware of his behaviour and how much it impacts other people.

His parents may have put up with it, or he it may only have got this bad later in life.

So I think the OP has to make it clear that it's unliveable. After the ball's in his court as to what he does about it.

Have you asked him why he does it? I totally think you should record him when he´s unaware ( whether just sound or also vid on your phone if poss ) cos I´ll bet if somebody else was acting like he does he´d find it bloody annoying too! Play it back to him and tell him it´s going online or you´ll show family and friends his ¨secret life¨ if he doesn´t pack it in. Threatening him with exposure should do it!

Either he likes to wind you up and it´s deliberate ( but why?? ) or he´s just not aware that he´s being so highly irritating. Also, I would suggest not acknowledging what heś doing. Like the leg-shaking thing on the sofa.....just ignore bad behaviour and reward good behaviour? lol.....Where´ve I heard that before?
But seriously, don´t bite if at all possible. He could well just be looking for a reaction. Or if it becomes unbearable ( like at breakfast time you mentioned ) just down tools and leave. If you keep doing this, exiting the stressful, annoying situation, and leaving it all in his hands he should surely get the message that you just aren´t gonna suffer his bullshit and hopefully he might realise he´s pissing you off and stop his stupid antics!

And lastly, I would totally enforce a Sex Ban. Because.....well, why would you want to?? This isn´t attractive behaviour is it? Reverting to being like an additional child and testing your boundaries! Fuck that. He needs to know there´ll be consequences and he can´t just flip between being a grown up and a child and expect you to comply and flip btwn being his partner and his mother FFS!

If he wants to be viewed and treat like a man then he needs to bloody well act like a man. You´re not gonna play his stupid game! It´s not attractive. This isn´t some fucked up Roleplay

Oh dear. I so get this. ALL of it. Leg shaking, repetitive singing, silly noises and daft pointless questions. OP, do you also get interrupted with totally inane, random and irrelevant changes of subject when you are talking to him?

As observed upthread, it IS a type of self-soothing behaviour related to compulsive tics and in my DH's case, is a way of blocking intrusive OCD thoughts. He has a lot of ADHD traits as well. He has a demanding job requiring prolonged periods of intense focus on abstract maths-related problem-solving and seems to need to switch off the analytical part of his brain in order to decompress after a long day at work. As others have observed, it's behaviour which only surfaces in a domestic setting when the twitchy one is feeling completely relaxed and 'safe'.

It is also infuriating and exasperating behaviour to have to live with. I do the deapan: 'Fruit goes in the bread-bin' thing too and get accused of being sarcastic and mean. Sometimes it's tough being the only neurotypical member of the household.

Whether it is caused by destressing, difficulty coping, ADHD or a need to control, what it is for sure is attention seeking. It means you can't relax as you have to constantly respond to him, his noises, his questions and his needs.

My husband can be a bit like this, although not leg shaking, but making silly noises or interrupting me. Just communicate directly- say, I'm tired today, you are now tiring me out more by asking lots of questions, please stop (ok, I don't always say please stop, sometimes I say can you fucking shut up, you can vary it as you like).

It's fine for people to be silly in their own homes, or use daft voices, or mess about or jiggle and so on but what is not ok is for them to repeatedly take up your time and energy when you have a little baby and other children.

I find if I plan to do something nice with my husband, like watch a film or part of a series with him for 45 min, and he knows that, he doesn't have this need to seek attention earlier on. If he does, and I have no attention to give, I let him know. Similarly, sometimes I want to get stuff of my chest and have a good whinge and moan, and mostly this is fine for him, but occasionally it's too much.

I think it's fine to let him know his behaviour is annoying, but don't sigh, roll your eyes, hope he stops or get him an appointment at the drs, this is all playing to the need for att4ention- he's still getting a response, just say your piece and then go back to what you are doing. If he really won't stop, remove yourself from the room and then start to wonder if it actually about control, as that is too much for anyone to live with.

This I used to get a lot from ex - the very fast leg-shaking and then the I CAN'T HELP IT, YOU'RE SO MEAN when I would finally lose patience (though he never did it with anyone else), endlessly repeating stupid words and phrases he knew I hated, again so he could go I WAS ONLY JOKING, DON'T Go MAD! - again never did it to anyone else.

I think in his case as he was very passive-aggressive (actually admitted he was mad with me for various minor infractions, after we broke up, but as he couldn't express it to me verbally as "that wouldn't be nice" "tormenting" me was a way of expressing anger, indirectly. The idea was to get ME to express his anger, through a perfectly normal reaction to constant irritation, so I would be the "crazy one" and he would be the "nice guy". Hugely head-wrecking and crazy-making.

In your case as he is constantly asking you childish questions, it comes across as resentment or else trying to make you the household oracle so as to abdicate responsibility at home under the guise of he's clueless and you're so perfectionist he has to ask instructions for everything, and also it is exhausting for you to have to do all the thinking so you just do it all yourself?

Lapsed Pacifist. Yes to the random changes of topic!! Car journeys are excruciating, he feels this constant need to fill quiet with pointless topics of conversation too "isn't the grass in that field looking a little long to you" was what I got today. As pointed out by a couple of you- I think he constantly requires some sort of response from me and I'm actually quite introvert so find it very overwhelming to be talking all of the time.
DH also works in an analytical role with numbers pacifist! How strange! I wonder if our DHs are similarly wired? I have often wondered whether DH is borderline aspurgers or something like on the spectrum.

Armchair diagnosing him ?

Would he put up with this kind of behaviour from you? (Doubt it)

Does he do a fair share of domestic work and childcare?(It sounds like he doesn't.)

Does he show he cares about your wellbeing and enjoyment of weekends and holidays?

Regarding the constant talking in the car. My Uncle used to this (he was driving). It was a constant running commentary and it was exhausting trying to respond to these boring comments.

It was such a relief when my siblings and I realised that he didn't require an answer to these constant observations. We could then switch off and ignore it. It was much less annoying then.

Can I just check - are all these silly question occurring when you want him to do something he doesn't want to do ? Like feed the baby or put away the shopping ?

Does it ever happen when you are doing exactly what he wants to do ? So if he is watching a TV programme or on the PC and you are doing all the house and childcare, do these problems occur ?

Does he do this when he is relaxing with friends ? Does he ask them all these questions and make silly noises ? If not, then it can't be about him " relaxing " .

And does he do it at work ? If not then I guess he CAN help it .

"Does the fruit go in the fruit bowl?"

"No darling it goes up your arse."

"WTF do you mean by that?"

"Here, I'll show you."

"MMMMPFFFF"

"You seem quiet, love. Are you OK?"

I am very respectfully and very gently suggesting that OP checks out Adult Aspergers.
A lot of what is described could perhaps fit within that framework. It's a very broad spectrum which consists of opposites of a wide range of behaviours.

He sounds exactly like my brother. Exactly.

He has ADHD which has worsened now he is an adult and works long hours.

Whether your husband has a condition of not, there are lots of coping strategies that my brother uses that are helpful for NT people who struggle with stress as well as those with ADHD.

I'd be encouraging your husband to seek some medical help, to rule out any ADHD-type conditions.

Wow, OP, this sounds like a nightmare!

I wonder if he has ever asked himself how you are expected to be attracted to a man who demonstrates such clingy and infantile and obnoxious behavior?

In your shoes I would be going for counseling with him or without him and considering whether it was worth putting up with a man-baby for a few more decades on end. And it does sound as though he could use a medical evaluation.

On a practical note, could you use your phone or some other device to video him, and then show him how irritating, silly and quite frankly, disturbed, he appears?

It would start to creep me out, to be honest.