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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been stupid again

318 replies

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:24

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 27/12/2006 23:27

Not bad or wrong. Just unfortunate that you are living with an intrusive control freak. Hope you manage to get him out of the house soon.

mummytosteven · 27/12/2006 23:27

Not bad or wrong. Just unfortunate that you are living with an intrusive control freak. Hope you manage to get him out of the house soon.

dumplings · 27/12/2006 23:27

WTF? You're not bad, what are you on about, and if you and H are seperated, how DARE he read your phone!

It's not your fault you are not a single woman, you are trying to be, you haven't done anything wrong.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/12/2006 23:29

You aren't bad.

You need to get your H out of your house if you are still separating.

madamez · 27/12/2006 23:31

You are not stupid an not a bad person. Your ex is a creep. YOu say he "refused" to leave the house - now I don't know your situation (obviously) but if he won't leave, can you? Because his snoopy behaviour is not acceptable, and may get worse.

Original poster

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:32

He won't go until the house sells. We have had an offer now & I just need out

OP posts:

vitomum · 27/12/2006 23:32

you have done NOTHING wrong.

Please do not allow him (or yourself) to make you feel guilty. Remember he WILL try and do that.

PinkTinsel · 27/12/2006 23:32

can you get the police to remove him? he sounds like a controlling manipulative bastard and he shpould not be there if your seperated and have asked him to leave!

Original poster

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:34

Asked my solicitor about him refusing to move out & he said that unless he was physically violent they couldn't get him out

OP posts:

winnie · 27/12/2006 23:35

oh messyoldmess, I am going to shout (sorry) YOU ARE NOT BAD OR WRONG! ffs you are separated, you could have gone for a drink with the guy if you'd chosen to. It is none of x husbands business.

I can understand your reluctance to complicate things further right now... but your not going for a drink is your choice too. It has nothing to do with x.

And what your family think is neither here nor there. They have been so crap at supporting you.

The sooner h is out of the house the better.

I feel for you I really do... but please stop beating yourself up. {{{{{}}}}

Original poster

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:36

I have been a bit bad & understand that. I shouldn't have given this chap my number, but alcohol etc & the fact that he seemed nice got the better of me

OP posts:

winnie · 27/12/2006 23:37

I do not understand why you think you've been "a bit bad" even. You haven't!

mummytosteven · 27/12/2006 23:38

you are confusing "bad" with "the sort of thing that provokes my h". the two are not the same. just coz it pisses him off doesn't mean it's bad.

Original poster

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:45

I shouldn't have let him have my mobile, but he seemed (& still does) a nice bloke who understands what I'm going through & just said "If you fancy a drink ever, you know where I am"
He understands that I can't do anything now & tbh it is just such a rarity to come across someone who is like this, that I gave him my mobile for future times.
He said he was snooping because he wanted to borrow my phone for work.

OP posts:

Original poster

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:47

The snooping one is H

OP posts:

winnie · 27/12/2006 23:49

Oh mom... he is a controlling twunt.... as you know. You do not have to explain yourself to him and you really, really, really have nothign to feel bad about.

dancinggirl · 27/12/2006 23:49

Hi M.O.M you are not bad or wrong at all. Your other half is the one with the problem for looking at your phone. I understand your circumstances may be complicated at the moment but quite frankly, if you are now effectively a single person, then if you want to meet someone for a drink, that is really up to you (IMO anyway). Take care, and hope 2007 is a better year for you .

ChristmasSnowflake · 27/12/2006 23:52

If you ask me you've been GOOD!

Most people in your situation would have gone for a drink with him- and as much as I completely understand and respect your reasons for not seeing him-why not; after all you're not in a relationship anymore.

I've had flatmates treat me better than your 'DH' has treated you and quite frankly you deserve SO much better!!

Maybe this could make him realise that he's not good enough for you.....

madamez · 27/12/2006 23:52

Hmm, ok,. please bear in mind that this is a stranger's perspective but....
Firstly, what's this about your X needing to borrow your phone for work? He can either buy his own phone or make other arrangements. You're not his partner any more so he has no right (and didn't have the right in the first place) to borrow your stuff without asking.

Secondly, while you did nothing wrong in giving this other bloke your phone number - you are separated and it's up[ to you who you socialise with - I'm just ever so slightly concerned that Other Bloke seems to be sending you rather more text messages than you would have liked. It's possible (and I freely admit I could be wrong here) that you need to practice saying "Just f** off and leave me alone" to men rather than thinking you have to be "nice" to them.

WeWishUAMerryXmasNANappyNewYr · 27/12/2006 23:52

even if you were with your H still i would not think it was ok for him to read your messages on your phone.

ok so if he did need your phone you do not accidnetally stumble across someones messages!!

and why do you think you shouldnt have give him your number?

i second what someone else says. can you move out?

Original poster

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:56

Don't know where I would go. My parents house is almost as bad as here

OP posts:

Original poster

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:57

Infact I don't think my parents would welcome me, they are hoping we will work it out

OP posts:

Original poster

messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 00:02

My parents gave us £1,000 for a holiday as a Christmas present!

OP posts:

winnie · 28/12/2006 00:09

mom, I am off to bed now but my advise is take the money and use it for you and the children. Your parents are doing you no favours. I am shocked that they have given you the money for a holiday together when you are getting divorced adn are in such a horrid situation. Take care xx

winnie · 28/12/2006 00:10

advice

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