Been stupid again

[messyoldmess]

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

Thanks, BTC, my solicitor is on the case, although not sure about getting him out of the house, that doesn't seem easy.

Sorry, had just read a thread from BTC, I mean thank you LMG!
He is very very bitter, but I think he is worried about me moving on.

He has no choice about you moving on - its not his decision - he knows he has lost control - thats why hes upset imo.

About getting him out of the house - what is the point of him staying, who does it benefit? is it an easy atmosphere for you and your kids to live in? are you still walking on egg shells? How can you properly move on when he is still there - watching over you, reading your phone? He knows while he is still there he can affect you, he can make you feel bad - if he wasn't living there he would know nothing therefore could do nothing about it - couldnt make you feel bad etc you owe him absoutly nothing, the awful way he has treated you means he doesnt have the right to make you feel anything anymore. It's up to you to change this and make yourself happy, you owe it to yourself and your kids. You can do this, in another 6 months your life will be so different, compared to how long you have been going through this that is such a short time to wait.

I know he doesn't like the fact he has lost control - he can't even threaten me with ending our marriage now, as I've ended it myself!
I asked my solicitor where I stood re getting him out of the house, when he very first announced he was staying put & I was told that unless he was being physically violent there wasn't much I could do.
As I mentioned earlier in the thread, we have now had an offer on our house, so things could be moving on pretty quickly in the new year. He has promised he will make sure the boys & I are ok house wise.
I know I am doing the right thing, but I am so scared of all I will be facing in the new year.
I have barely slept again!

How are you sharing the house? Are you still sleeping in the same room? Is there anyway you can divide the house into "your" rooms and "his" rooms, with only essentials such as kitchen and bathroom being shared?

This could make life slightly more bearable if you at least knew there were rooms where you could go to avoid his company. If you don't have a spare bedroom, move in with your children. Ensure that your use of the kitchen does not coincide with his and the same for other communal areas. Are you cooking for him? Doing any of his washing?

I am ok bedroom wise, as we have a four bedroom house with two rooms which have a double bed, so that's not a problem.
I try & stay out of the way as much as possible. We live in a town house, so I am often downstairs in the kitchen, as I have the pc & a TV down here, & he is normally upstairs in the lounge laid on the sofa watching the big TV.
I do try & keep as much distance as possible.
I am not cooking for him etc. I didn't even do that on his birthday!

I've suddenly lost the plot for some reason. I am so scared & I'm dreading the new year. I don't know why I've suddenly lost it like this, but I have. I can't stop crying.

Oh hun it is perfectly normal even when we know we are doing the right thing it is very scary but it will get better and you have lived with this so long now.

Change is always a frightening thing and this is a big change even if it is a welcome one. I found moving house incredibly stressful but now I am in my own home I am so happy.

He has controlled everything in your life for so long it takes a long time to stop feeling vulnerable and useless and much of what you face is unknown but here on mn we have had so many examples of people who have done it and gone on to much better lives and you will too I am sure of that.

Venturing into the unknown is always scary. You are leaving a marriage where the boundaries have always been very clear, where your status as a married woman says something about you. You are going out into single-parenthood which is a vast unknown.

So what is known about it? Loads of people on here can give you the benefit of their experience - so you could start a positive thread asking for advice on how people dealt with different issues, from how they manage their budget, to how they chose a gas company, etc. Make a list of the things you will need to tackle, so that, when you come to tackle them, you have already given it some thought and know what you need to do.

And remember, the one guaranteed factor is that you will be free of the controlling, abusive treatment of your ex and will be in control of your own future.

I know it will get better, but I'm frightened. I have been quite together recently - almost too together considering - even over Christmas when I was thrown vomity children & H on top of everything!
I am tired because I didn't sleep well & I just suddenly lost & have gone a bit fruitcake! Don't really know what triggered it tbh.
Might walk to solicitors in a bit. I need a walk & H is all over the house.

messyoldmess - I'm a boring old happily married woman and can assure you that in your situation you have done nothing wrong by taking this guy's mobile no. He's clearly feeling a bit vulnerable himself and is keen to let you know that he wasn't just chatting you up in a bar - he genuinely liked you and will be happy to see you again in future.
It sounds as though your parents are emotionally blackmailing you - why on earth would you want to go on holiday with your control freak of a soon-to-be-ex husband?
If I were you I'd go out for that drink soon - and tell s-t-b-ex-dh that he's babysitting! You need to take control of your life. Poor you - don't feel guilty!

Christmas can be tough alright! The boys came down with a stomach bug a couple of days before Christmas, which H then came down with Christmas day, so I was dealing with the hyped up boys alone on the big day. Feel I have had an overdose of my family too IYKWIM?!
I think the fact I didn't have too much time to sit back & think too much, prevented me getting too emotional over the festive period, but it has all suddenly hit me hard today.
Trying to calm down a bit. Will take that walk in a minute. I need to buy a new toothbrush too!

Go for that walk - take your mobile and give the nice man a call to thank him for his texts and tell him you'll be in touch in a few weeks.

I text him the other night & told him that I couldn't meet up with him just yet, due to my circumstances, but maybe when things have moved on a bit it wouldn't hurt.
He just text back "Fingers crossed" & was left like that!
Going for a walk now, on my own. I am leaving H with the boys.

That's good. He'll appreciate the fact that your moral values are so high that you won't see him just yet as H is still living under the same roof.
Hope things work out for you.

messy, I am sorry you are having a bad day.
I hope you've gone for that walk.
Please don't be so hard on yourself you have done all of the right things. You have been more than fair and understanding. Keep focusing on the future and enjoy what you can on a daily basis.

Did go for the walk & calmed down a bit & stopped crying for now.
I had 3 people I knew walk right past me & I didn't even realise until they were behind me, as I was in another planet! I must have seemed really rude!

Feeling much calmer now, but very tired. Not sure why suddenly lost it so badly this morning. Most of the time I plod along okay, but sometimes it all just gets a bit much & I lose the plot a bit!

Hey Messy have read your post and some of the threads. My advice for what its worth and you know my situation is that it is very hard to be in a relationship where you are not loved and respected you are merley reaching out for what you and all of us need!
So don't feel bad re the number just tread carefully... my solicitor advised not getting into a relationship before the divorce as it can complecate things.
I guess your parents don't realise the severity of the situation. Like me you are probably protecting them from the worst aspects. Maybe it maybe time for a cup of tea and some gentle explanations. Then when they appreciate that the marriage is well and truely over you love and respect them but need that resipicated and unconditionally at this difficult time of your life that if they still wish to give you £1,000 you will use this for a holiday for you and the boys but no H or for decorating your new home that is just for you and the boys! 2007 proves to be full of adventures for you and your sons. It is sad to have to say this but the only mistake you made was to leave your phone lying about! I know you should be able to but hon you and I both know in these situations keep your gaurd up! Also if you do go on holiday with the boys NOT till the house sale is complete no silly beggers whilst you in a different country from H eh!Take it easy

Messy re the msg you left me....Feel the fear and do it anyway!!! hugs to you xx

Don't worry - I have NO intentions of getting myself into a relationship just yet. I just thought I would consider meeting him for a quick drink maybe, but not thinking of any romantic attachment at all & would not consider meeting up with any male until I am out of this house!
As for my parents - the offering money for a holiday would have been carefully planned to try & get me to change my mind.
I have tried & tried to talk to them & explain my reasons for what I'm doing, but they don't understand & do not approve.
My dad has quite a temper, so my mum just thinks H is like him & she has stayed married to him for 36 years, so why can't I try harder!
I know it was silly of me to leave my phone on the side while I had a bath, but I didn't think.
I have kept it with me since, but have nothing to hide anyway!