Been stupid again

[messyoldmess]

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

Wasn't going to post about my situation anymore, but when things get so bad that I feel sick, I turn to MN!

Thanks, winnie. I was kind of shocked too, however generous it may seem.

They will only give us the money if we use it towards a holiday

You poor thing, not only have you a potentially abusive control freak of an x partner, but your parents clearly think of and treat you as property rather than as a person. In your next Net session, have a look at some feminist websites and/or assertiveness training ones - You are a human being and your feelings, wishes and opinons matter JUST AS MUCH as other people's.

could you rent somewhere?

Oh bollocks, mom! Sounds to me as though H has been messing with your head again when you start off by thinking you have done something wrong. Reminds me of your first post when H left your children alone at night so that he could stalk you and you felt that you had done something wrong.

You are effectively separated. Your relationship with H is over, bar the legal work (btw, have you given that list to your solicitor so that he can issue the petition?), so there is nothing to stop you giving your number to whomever you please.

Your parents are just being bastards again.

Chin up. Move on and get the legal stuff underway.

I?ve lurked on your threads before but haven?t posted before.

Firstly, your h is a twat. Just thought I?d get that one out of the way.

Secondly, you have not been stupid, and you have not been bad. A little naïve perhaps for giving your mobile number to this man, personally I would have asked for his number so I could call him when the time was right, but even giving him your mobile number you haven?t done anything wrong. Yes I can see why you don?t want to get involved right now, I can even see why it could be constrewed as wrong to be getting involved while your h is still living in the house, after all if a poster came on here and said ?I?ve met this guy and he says they?re separated but his wife won?t move out? the posters would be quick to say ?yeh right, wait till the wife?s moved out then get involved?. By telling this man your situation and keeping a distance while things are sorted, you have actually acted extremely appropriately, more than most would IMO. There?s actually nothing at all wrong with texting someone to wish them merry Christmas, there?s nothing wrong with saying ?I?m still living under the same roof as the tosser who once was my husband and when we?re not living under the same roof we can go out for a drink?, but there is everything wrong with your h checking your phone to see who you might be texting, and there is everything wrong with you feeling you have to explain to him, you don?t owe him any explanations. And if I?m not mistaken wasn?t he rubbing the fact that he?d been talking to other women in your face not so long back? So it?s alright for him but not for you? I don?t think so.

Personally I would lock your phone with a pin number so your h can?t use it. He has no reason to use your phone, he can get his own. And next time he makes you feel stupid or inadequate take a deep breath and count to ten, and while you?re counting, say to yourself ? I have done nothing wrong, I am worth better than this.? Then say to your h ?you are still here through your choice not mine. If you don?t like what I?m doing, if you don?t approve of the way I act, if you don?t like the people I talk to or the text messages I receive, then move out to somewhere where you don?t have to know about it, alternatively, shut up about it, because it?s none of your god damn business any more.? Then walk away and refuse to discuss whatever it is he wants to discuss. You owe him nothing. He is trying to control you, by walking away you are taking back the control, don?t let him do it, you are worth more.

MOM - carry on being strong. You've done so well to get this far. You haven't been bad or done anything wrong - he's messing with your head again. Is he a saint when he goes out? Hope 2007 is good to you and let us know how you get on. You're being so brave.

Hello, bloke's point of view her.

Your soon to be ex H is a twat, he's using your unfounded guilty feelings against you. He shouldn't be going anywhere near your phone. You are separated so can do whatever the hell you like, I'm sure that he is.

I know I shouldn't have given this chap my mobile number, but he seemed quite respectable & understanding of my situation and it made a change to stumble across a nice chap who didn't just want to try & get me to go home with him (not that I've been home with any blokes, but they are the sort that have tried it on since my separation) & I gave him my number verbally, thinking there was no way he would remember it!
I ignored the first text, but he text back yesterday asking if I'd received his message & I thought it was only polite to text him back & explain I may meet him for a drink when things have moved on, but not just yet due to circunstances. He text back with the words "I look forward to it, but in your own time as I realise things are difficult for you" He signed his name at the end of the message & this is what H read.
I don't know if I ever will meet up with this chap. I am certainly not ready to get into any kind of new relationship yet, I just thought it may be harmless to one day maybe meet him for a drink when things have moved on a bit, just for company.
I left my phone on the side while I had a bath & this is when H picked it up & read my messages. He left it on the message from this bloke, so that I could see whay he had read.
I asked why he was looking through my messages & this is when he said that he wanted to use my phone for work because his needed charging!
He told me he was shocked by this message, asking when all this started & if my sister knew about it.
I told him nothing had started, but that I had spoken to this chap & he had asked me for a drink, but that he knows I am not ready for that yet, although he has my number & I have his, just incase I ever do take him up on his offer one day.
He stormed off to work telling me he no longer wanted my phone after reading that message!
I know my family will find out & go mad at me too.
Freckle, I will keep in touch via e mail re all legal happenings, as I am keeping that side of things off board for the moment.

Messyoldmess, as has been said repeatedly, giving this guy your number is NOT wrong. You're separated, although still physically in the same house.

YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Goodmorning messyoldmess

Dare I say it but you sound like you've been practising your defence! DON'T ... you've not done any thing wrong at all!

I hope today is a better day for you xx

messyoldmess you are seperated but your H seems yo have some sort of control over you. I dont belive you will be truely seperated from him untill you both physically move out. he is still thinking you are 'his', and he needs to realise that you are a free woman who can talk to who she wants when she wants, and also meet for a drink. the sooner you two physcially seperate and live in seperate places the better IMO. i hope 2007 is beter for you and you finally move into your own place.

Morning winnie
I have barely slept & it's all been going round in my head.

I will certainly be moving out in 2007, misdee!

You are single and well within your rights to have a drink with this new man.

If it were me and my h refused to leave, i change the locks and take his stuff to his mums or i'd make his life so unbearable he would want to get as far away from me as possible, i'd make it so hard for him to live there and carry on with his normal life (like inviting people round all the time or put loud music on when hes in bed, constantly leave the place a mess, def do nothing for him, no cooking, washing etc.

Bad would have been if you had gone out for a drink took this guy home and flauted him in front of your x (and only then would it have been bad because it would have been unfair on this new guy - to put him in the middle and make him uncomfortable)

If your ex doesnt like the way you live your life - which is entirely up to you as it is your life and you owe him nothing, then he knows where the door is.

He was going to move in with a friend, when all this started, but changed his mind & said he wouldn't move out until the house sold, as he is the one who pays the mortgage.
He hasn't even told his mum that we are separating yet, as he says he doesn't want to upset her.

MOM you seem very crushed, to me. Despite everyone on here saying they think you have done nothing wrong, you keep responding with 'I know I shouldn't have...'

Who are you answering?

Your parents are trying to manipulate you into getting back together by offering cash, don't take it. £1000 isn't worth staying in your situation for.

I hope the house sale goes through soon and I hope you get away from your h straight away. Because when that happens you will see how low down he has made you, and you will rise up.

I know I haven't really done anything wrong with this guy, but it was silly of me to give him my number.
I have now deleted all messages on my mobile.

IT WAS NOT SILLY TO GIVE THIS GUY YOUR NUMBER, HE SOUNDS GREAT, NORMAL AND CARING.

Do yourself a favour and go out for a drink with him.

no you weren't silly - this guy sounds like a lovely guy and as he's been going through the same he no doubt has empathy with your situation.

in a way you have now achieved a slight victory, by your h saying he no longer wants to use your phone after having read your messages, you can say to him that you're glad, as it's your phone anyway and not for him to use. turn it back in your favour, don't let him think he's upset you or let him make you feel bad for upsetting him.

I guess you're right, wannabe. I will certainly be keeping my phone with me at all times from now on though!

fgs, there is nothing wrong with texting, dating or veen shagging this man or any man. You have made it very clear to your x that it is over, he goes off and does what ever he likes, leaving you to take care of the kids. He is refusing to move out.

By even feeling bad, making excuses you are letting him have the power.

your have to get on with your own life.

My x2b and I have been stuck in the same house since May, but by July he had a new gf and took the kids on holiday with her - despite me being the one who wanted to separate and him saying he didn't want to separate at all!

You are separated. That means you can go out with other men. And it's none of his business. (It also means that if you are living in the same household you shouldn't be doing his laundry/food etc - ha ha ha!). Don't act like you've been unfaithful - it just reinforces his sense that you are still his wife.

But you do have my sympathy - I know how crushing this never-neverland can be.

I know, I just feel I shouldn't go near other men until we are in our separate homes, as he could turn it all round & make out I am some strumpet! This is why I told this bloke I would not meet up for a drink until things had moved on a bit, as I know what H is like.
I guess to him it seems I am moving on too quickly.