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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been stupid again

318 replies

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:24

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 21:45

It was for H & me

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 21:48

Oh & not long until contracts exchange really. He has told me not to delay things on the house front or else he will drop the price dramatically!

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 21:52

Am at a friends now & don't really want to go home!

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BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 22:21

Ok deep breath. Can you stay at friends house tonight?
It is awful when it all wells up and you don't feel in control...and yes very scary, but its ok what your feeling is normal and what we all feel in strange and unfamiliar situations especially when we are going it alone. But you have MM to log on for support and H is just being as horrible as he can cos he probably realise that he will be a shriveled up old man on his own one day! Where as his beautiful wife is already being chatted up he is jealous and bitter! Forget him sticks and stones you are stronger and better it is really hard what your going through but the way I coped was one day at a time and maybe the odd glass of wine or two!!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 22:37

He keeps trying to grab my phone

OP posts:
SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 22:41

then text this man explain what has hapened and then delete the message. then give him th phone. if he finds nothing on it hopefully he will give up.

im sure your parents are trying to help, thinking that bvy sending you away they are helping you try and sort your problems out. mybe you should get them to sit down while you explain that it is already over and there is no going back.

maybe if you could getthem to see the situation for what it is they may be a little more help.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 22:46

Oh I don't know, FM. I have shown him my phone tonight & he has scoured through it, but why am I doing this?
I don't feel I am coping anymore.

OP posts:
SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 22:51

your doing it because he has driven you to the point where its a case of "anythign for a quiet life"

giving this man your number was not wrong or bad, you have been seperated from your h for 6 months..he just happens to live in the same house as you.

Is there anywhere you can go for a few days? stay with friends or family a bit further afield?i think you need sone space to be yu again. he really is a nasty piece of work and i am so pleased your gettibg closer to being rid of him.

what are you planning on doing once the sale is complete? will you try and find something smaller or will you rent?

what has he got planned. hopefully whatever it is will be a good few miles away from you.

Freckle · 30/12/2006 22:57

OK. Deep breaths. Breathe in and out of a paper bag. Helps calm panic attacks. Your reaction is totally understandable as the new life which awaits you gets ever closer. It is the unknown and it can be frightening, but do bear in mind that, whatever your new life is, it is bound to be 100 times better than your current one.

Just keep thinking of what your life will be 6-12 months down the line. You will be in a new home, with just your boys. You will be in control of what you do, who you see, who you text and where you go. H will be an ex who you just have to seen every so often to hand over the boys on contact days. Sounds good, doesn't it?

What does your solicitor say about the sale of the house? Does the solicitor dealing with the sale have instructions on how to account to you both with the proceeds of sale? You absolutely do not want him to hand 50% of the proceeds over to H for him to piss away down the pub or gambling, because you will never get it back.

Will look out for your email.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 23:04

I know, I know. I am just suddenly becoming a total pathetic wreck!
Solicitor doesn't say 50/50, neither does mediator. Will mail you when I'm sure I'll make sense. I've gone all weird!

OP posts:
Freckle · 30/12/2006 23:05

That'll be the wine .

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 23:06

Well yes, that may be part of it!!

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 23:10

Hey, how do you know I've been on the wine??!!

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BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 23:15

Freckle is very right 6 months ago my life was very different to how it is now and yours will be too messy you just need to hold on, enjoy the wine and chill don't ask me why but things always seem much worse at night and big problems get bigger eh?
Just relax I used to do deep breathing and calming exercises in my mind and these really helped when I was practically wetting myself because I thought he was outside!
It makes you focus on something else and re jigs your thoughts about inside your head!
Sorry your feeling really poo at the moment hugs to you xx

SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 23:15

why not 50/50? Sorry hun i havent been about properly for what seems like an age so havent caught up with whats happening.

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 23:17

Surely Messy should get more as she has to buy house for her and the boys and H only needs 1 bedroom?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 23:17

More than 50/50 to me, FM

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BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 23:17

Good he can shove off!!

SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 23:19

oh good. i was worried it would be him getting the larger share because he was kicking upa fuss or something.

good that you have mediators and solicitors though...is there nothing they can say or do to help get hi out quicker?

it seems like such a nightmare, especially with him being so difficult.

But all Freckle says, when you are finally free you really will never look back. it is quite frightening now as you just cannot imagine life without the constant stress...it sounds odd but you become so used to the arguments and snide remarks that it feels wierd when you dont hear them all the time....but trust me, its a great Wierd!

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 23:23

SFM your so right it is strange Messy but eventually you start to get used to your new life and you can't ever invisage going back infact you start to look forward more with optimism and excitement and less back with sadness and disappointment!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 23:30

I lost it yesterday morning, very suddenly & out of the blue, not even sure of the trigger tbh!
I sorted myself out with a walk & calmed down, but today I have been a bit wafty again.
H was out pretty much all day at the pub with friends. Now I know this is what man do & probably their way of coping, but it pisses me off! I am the one stuck in coping with the boys constant squabbles etc. I wish I could just go to the pub!
He comes in at 5.30pm & sees me upset. He mentions how bad things are for him & why am I like this when I have this man that has text me!
He snipes & digs & threatens re the house sale, until I become a total looney!
Really, I am losing it horribly & frightening myself!

OP posts:
SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 23:33

maybe he has realised that you have attracted the attention of another man and he doesn't like it...like a child with a toy, he doesnt want it but he doesnt want anyone else to play with it either.

try not to concern yourself with what he does with his day, if he is at the pub then he is out of the house and away from you. try and thin of it positivly...i know its easier to say than do though.

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 23:39

Your doing great anyone in your situation would find it hard but at this time of year things seem harder? He is the way he is because he feels sorry for himself and jelous that he sees you have a potentially bright future ahead of you he may not want to be kind nice and supportive but he doesn't want anyone else to offer it to you either he is only going to carry on like this I'm afraid because he is jelous and cruel hope sale of house comes through very very soon! Try not to let him see he is getting to you if possible Messy but I know thats easier said than done! xx

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 23:39

I know, FM, but all the time he's here he still seems to get to me!
I am a right bloody pathetic wreck atm!

OP posts:
BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 23:42

Is there anyone that can have the boys for a bit to give you a bit of a breather?