Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been stupid again

318 replies

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:24

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/12/2006 21:50

Oh I will be going through with it, I know it needs to happen, but the fear of things to come is suddenly hitting me hard.

OP posts:
BURNINGTHECANDLE · 29/12/2006 22:00

I'm really sorry to hear about your parents thats I guess I thought they didn't understand I'm sorry. I know you have no intentions of a relationship and didn't mean to suggest otherwise. I do understand about the fear you feel I am feeling it too thats why I compile my lists and try to be really positive about the future....Messy I really wish you well and hope by this time next year you will be in your new home and have several drinks out with this chap! You deserve happiness and support

lou33 · 29/12/2006 22:26

mine was the same, he couldnt grasp that from the minute we separated my private life was just that, mine and private

he intimidated my male friends, harrassed me if he thought i was seeing anyone, was a general twat and a dickhead, reduced me to tears regularly, and he wasnt even supposed tobe in the house, he only came back for 10 days to see the kids, but 4 weeks later was refusing to move out

i called the police during one nasty episode and they said as he was on the lease he couldnt be forced to go unless he was violent

i called the landlords the next day and they said he was in breach of his tenancy and removed him from it, so i can live peacefully now

i just had to keep reminding myself that i could do what i liked, and keep telling him to butt out of my life if it wasnt kid related

you need to do the same thing, it doesnt matter if you are in the same house, you are not together so you cans ee who you like and have nothing to explain to him

Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/12/2006 22:37

Thanks, BTC. You sound very strong & together atm, which is great. Writing out lists is a good idea to help you focus & distract. I have been starting to look at houses now & trying to think positive.
Thing is, I am not a naturally strong person at all & this is one of the hugest scariest things I have ever done!
I have never had to fend for myself & always been made to feel I could never cope. It does worry me, but I guess I will learn to cope because I'll have to!
The majority of the time I am quite a tough old bird emotionally, but when I lose it I lose it big!
I will get through though. The support I receive from MN'ers has made me much tougher & I know that will keep me going!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/12/2006 22:39

Blimey, you have been through it, Lou! Glad you are free of your H now.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/12/2006 22:41

Did you still live together for a while once you decided to separate?

OP posts:
lou33 · 29/12/2006 22:49

he still tries occasionally to snoop, but i changed passwords on my email accounts and stuff like that, plus i blocked him on msn so i didnt have to put up with his rants to me

it wasnt a case of me choosing to live with him, more likely noone else could put up with him for v long and, me trying to keep it civil, and wanting the kids to have as much interaction as possible with him, used to say he could come stay here from time to time

usually i would go away, but he would still find ways of making me feel bad , the last few times this didnt happen tho, and it ended with me almost having a breakdown, because i forgot i didnt have to do what he said anymore

it was only when he came back pissed one night and told the kids i was a lying cunt who only wanted rid of him to fuck young men, that i snapped out of it and stood up to him for the final time

i looked at my kids sobbing and said enough was enough, and got rid of him, and told him he was never staying under my roof again

i found him a place to stay for a couple of days, but then it was up to him

he couldnt be arsed to find a permanent place here, preferring to feel hard done by, and say he had no way of making anything of himself or starting over in this country, so he buggered off to thailand, and does fuck all over there instead

Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/12/2006 22:50

Sorry, hadn't read properly, as you explained about your ex not moving out in your post!
I am all over the place today & very tired, so I best get to bed & try & sleep now!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/12/2006 22:53

X posted with you. at what your ex said about you in front of your children, that's really awful! Sounds like you are best rid of him! Hope you are happy now.

OP posts:
lou33 · 29/12/2006 22:55

oh god yes

he did other stuff on his way to thailand but i cant be bothered to type it all out

i'm happier than i have been in years and years

the point is, you have nothing to feel bad about, i suspect your exh knows how to push your guilt buttons, and if you are still living together its v easy to slip back into the husband wife role, but he is wrong, you are allowed to see who you like now

lou33 · 29/12/2006 22:56

btw , he didnt say it in front of the kids, he said it directly to them, called them into the room to say it in fact

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 29/12/2006 22:57

To tell the truth I'm not strong either! I don't normally tell people this but in March of this year I was in the local looney bin because it all got too much and I couldn't cope fortuantly Grandma stepped in or it would have been care!!
So the majority of the time I pretend I can cope and even kid myself!!
When my parents seperated they lived together for a year and it was hell I was 13 and can remember the sheer torment he inflicted on my mum because she had rejected him he was sullen did the opposite of what she asked him. Was verbally abusive and aggressive!
Having kind of experienced the senario you are in now to the assult and then freedom I personally think yours is far worse as it is drawn out and every day they try to find a new way to really piss you off!
Mine although scary was relatively short and sweet when it came to the seperation as one day I was making him his sandwiches and waving him off to work the next I wasn't. All be it I had really had a belly full by the time he was arrested!
I'm really glad to hear you are looking at houses. I should be moving too in 2007 and it is scary I have already discovered there are many things you could use a man for! Fortuantly I have good friends who lend me there husbands for D.I.Y. skills. Or God knows what I'd do

SherlockLGJ · 29/12/2006 22:57

I really should get you two together, Lou you could help her so much.

lou33 · 29/12/2006 23:01

lgj i relate to loads of what she says

i'll never ever be controlled like that again

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 29/12/2006 23:02

Blimey Lou your an insperation

lou33 · 29/12/2006 23:06

hows that?

i just woke up, we all have our breaking point, mine took a looong time but when i realised, then that was it

i remember sitting in my home one day thinking anything has got to be better than the life i am living now

i dont want my kids curled up in a ball crying on the floor for one more second

Original poster
messyoldmess · 29/12/2006 23:08

You are indeed! You have a really positive attitude!
I will read & respond properly to the last few posts tomorrow, as I after 2 sleepless nights I am very tired!
Glad you are now so happy, Lou.

OP posts:
lou33 · 29/12/2006 23:18

get rid of him, your life will be so much better

dont lose sleep over him

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 09:47

Oh I am getting rid of him, Lou. I've had to share a house with him for the last 6 months because he stuck his heels in & refused point blank to budge until we exchanged contracts on this house.
It has been very hard & my head has been all over the place.
I am starting to get very very frightened about the coming months though.

BTC, it sounds like you have really been through it & it's so great that you are now sounding so positive. Hope it all works out for you & your DD.

OP posts:
BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 21:03

Messy what are you most frightened of? Can you break it down to individual things so that we can help you with them?
I do feel much more positive but I did relate to what Lou said about thinking anything has got to be better than this!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 21:18

I know, BTC. I am just starting to lose it a bit all of a sudden. I guess I am just scared of the big unknown!
I don't feel very together at all atm. I am actually frightening myself a bit.
He keeps sniping about this text he saw.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 21:29

Losing the plot too much. Don't feel in control anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 21:35

Have been crying & shaking & having panic attacks today. Feel like I am overloaded & need to just scream!
Freckle, I need to mail you a Q, but will do it tomorrow when I am more together.

OP posts:
SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 21:40

how long have you got until the contracts are exchanged and you can move away from him? is there any way it can be hurried along?

I cannot imagine how stressfull it must be living with someone you have seperated from. he does sound incredibly controlling and in many ways quite abusive.

Take the money your parents gave you and take the kids away for a week just you and them. give yourself some breathing space and time to think about your next move.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 21:45

They won't give it to us unless it is for a holiday, FM. It was just a piece of paper saying we could have a grand for the holiday of our choice. I was LW btw!

OP posts: