Been stupid again

[messyoldmess]

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

Oh blimey! I am really worrying now.
Can't post properly atm, as I have a house full, but will come back later.

That was not said to worry you but so that you might be prepared for what he may do. If you go into this thinking that he is going to be all sweetness and light because he's assured you he'll see you and the boys all right, you may be shocked when self-preservation kicks in.

No I know, Freckle. I know how unpredictable he can be & was even thinking twice about the whole unreasonable behaviour thing for this reason. I thought I should maybe just go for a standard divorce to try & keep some peace, but that takes 2 years.
I doubt very much that he would ever fight me for custody though, that's one thing I am fairly sure about, as he would not want to be responsible for the children that much. He laughs when he tells me I would never have a custody battle on my hands!
It's so so hard & my head is mush with everything atm, especially as I have not slept for days & days!
The whole unreasonable behaviour thing does worry me a lot though.

Well, if he bothers to get any legal advice he will realise that this is the only option open to you unless you are prepared to wait two years - and the two years' separation is only if you both agree (and I bet he won't in 2 years' time) and if you have lived separate lives for those 2 years (it can be done in the same house, but is quite difficult to prove).

And, at the end of the day, he's given you plenty of examples of unreasonable behaviour, so he can't blame you if you use them.

yes you're right - he may well not agree to it in 2 years time & the whole house sale issue means things need to get done as swiftly as possible I guess. I have heard of unreasonable behaviour cases taking a lot longer than they should though, because of husbands refusing to accept a lot of things they are being accused of & refusing to sign things.
It's all a big headache & worry.

Unless he's going to defend the petition, then you have nothing to worry about. I can't see him defending it, as the contents of the petition are all true and it would cost him a fortune. The only reason an unreasonable behaviour petition would take longer than a 2 years one is that clearly one party doesn't agree, so is likely to be less cooperative than one who does!

Just go for it and deal with matters as they arise rather than getting yourself in a state about how he might react. You never know, receiving the petition might be just what he needs to let him know the marriage is truly over and he may then start behaving reasonably. Then, of course, pigs mmight fly.....

Pigs might fly indeed!!

Think I may start a new thread, as I am kind of embarrassed of this thread title now!

Did go to the doctors today & have been prescribed low dose ADs, which are a kind that will apparantly help me sleep.
I have been reluctant up until now, to go down the AD road, but I am getting so down & I'm so sleep deprived that I have picked them up!

messy, please don't worry unnecessarily.
You are right to get divorced on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. That is the reason you are getting divorced because of his unreasonable behaviour. TBH after the initial shock my h accepted that what was written in black and white before him was the reality and it has given him much to reflect on. We are now friends again but that is another story.

Personally, I need to get divorced and feel that the reason for us getting divorced needs to be recorded. I didn't want to get divorced. I didn't want to split up but I had no choice. Deciding to get divorced was very much about me regaining control of my life. I am sure you relate to that.

I hope the AD's help.

I certainly can relate to that, winnie! I do worry about everything a lot though.

God this is hard. I've got such a sinking feeling in my stomach all the time.

oh messy {{{{}}}} Think about the alternative. There is none. You have done all that you alone could do to save your marriage but it takes two and life is too short.

I know, winnie & there is no alternative, I know this is all for the best, but it's doing me in.

I know this may seem like a silly question but what are you most afraid of?

I don't know...the unknown I guess. I am worrying about the boys, I am scared of how I'll cope (I've never really coped alone before), I am worried about the next stage in general tbh. I don't know why I keep dipping so much, but I am terrible atm.

Sorry - I know I am sounding pretty pathetic atm!

God messy - you HAVE coped and you WILL cope alone - you have come so incredibly far. You know how in Stricly Come Dancing they talk about who has had the most incredible journey? That's you. And without a professional dancer to get you there.

I don't know, tribpot. I am so all over the place right now. I am going to try & get some sleep now, because I'm back to work in the morning. Hopefully I won't be such a miserable old bint tomorrow!

messy, you will cope because you have to & once you are living on your own with the boys without your h's constant criticism and controlling behaviour you will feel that you can do anything. From everything I've read of your posts it is very clear that no-one (parents or husband) have allowed you the freedom to believe you can be on your own. It isn't that you can't do it it is that you've very little self belief because it's been stamped on for so long. (I hope I haven't offended you.)
The boys will cope because children are terribly resilient and quite frankly living with one happy parent instead of two unhappy, bickering, parents is so much better for them.
You will get a life of your own
Messy are you having counselling? Vaguely remember that you've had some but came to the end of the course. I think if you could have counsellign now it would be wonderfully helpful to get you through this patch.
It will get easier I promise. The hardest part is done; making the decision.

You are not pathetic {{{}}}

Hi Messyoldmess. I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. If you remember my thread from a few months ago, I am in a similar situation as you. I have told H that it is over many times, but he too refuses to leave. It got more complicated becuase social services got involved and were going to help me out, but after interviewing H yesterday have decided that there are 'no child protection issues' (depite him being unbelievably cruel and emotionally and mentally abusive to them and to me) and have basically given him a green light to abuse all the more. I am getting no support from family either and am basically on my own. It's hell on earth. My mind is all over the place with having to live this day in day out, trying not to make things too unpleasant for the kids' sake but barely being able to stand being in the same room as him. I really hope things move quickly for you (and for me) this year.

Being scared of the unknown is perfectly normal. As I said before, why don't you start a thread (without such a self-deprecating title!) asking for practical tips from Mners who have done this before?

That way, some of the unknown becomes known, you will be better prepared for what you need to do as the need arises and you will feel a whole lot better once you can see that there is life after the break down of a marriage.

Don't sit there quaking just waiting for things to happen. Be proactive and start getting things sorted (as much as you can at this stage). It makes you feel better about yourself and stops you thinking too much about things which depress you.

I know...sorry about my blip last night - I get moments like that from time to time!
I am being as pro-active as possible. I am getting house details, making appointments, getting advice from friends who live alone etc.
This stage is just really hard & I have H really down & uptight around me too.
Worried about the boys too...particulary DS1.
Will start a new thread. Just need to think of a title!

I'm okay all the time I'm busy. It's often in the evening when all is quieter that I kind of dip.

Hi, unwanted. I have been following your thread & really feel for you. It sounds like you have really been through it, but I really admire your strength.
I hope things move on for you soon. It's awful being in limbo isn't it?