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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been stupid again

318 replies

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:24

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

OP posts:
9BeetrootsDancing · 28/12/2006 09:48

and he is being a saint!!! I think not

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 09:53

No he's definitely no saint! He is out drinking & gambling a lot still, not coming in until 4am sometimes, but I don't know if he has had any women yet. I couldn't care less tbh & would never dream of snooping through his phone!
He says he will never get heavily involved with another woman again & he sees now why he never wanted to get married & should have trusted his instincts! (He asked me to marry him btw!)

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 10:03

I am glad I posted on here about all this, as I feel much calmer now!
I nearly didn't post because of what people would think of me giving my mobile number out to some random bloke!

OP posts:
Katy44 · 28/12/2006 10:04

Every couple started out as 'random' to each other!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 10:07

Well yes! I meant doing it given my situation!
I feel lots better now though & realise I haven't really done too much to feel ashamed of, even though H & my family will think differently!

OP posts:
gingermonkey · 28/12/2006 10:07

Sorry to just butt in late on, but obviously there are 2 sides to every story. Your notso darling h is also vunerable, presumably wanting to hold on to a relationship that isn't working for whatever reasons (fear of failure, you are his possession, love, fear of being alone....whatever) and when you are vunerable you are less trusting, so he wants to know your every move (and where better to check than the phone?). You are pushing him out of your life (that's not a bad thing) and whilst you are still living together it is almost impossible to move on and follow a new path.
You did nothing wrong, really. Ok, it wasn't the most sensible thing to do to give a man your number whilst you are still sharing a house with your ex But if you are seperated and there has been no sharing of beds then both of you ned to go out and meet other people at some point, in order to move on.
Just realise that your h is hurting and the situation is very hard for both of you in your own ways. One thing is for sure, your parents are not helping but they think they are, probably just think you are being 'a little silly' and that this 'mess' will change and you will realise that you need a husband. Parents are old fashioned and tho they mean well they don't get things right. We have a new year coming up and you have an offer on your house, this time next year I really hope that you will be in a better place and not messyoldmess anymore - maybe happylittlebunny?! Good luck - stop beating yourself up about things that are been and gone and you can't change.

glitterfairyonachristmastree · 28/12/2006 10:08

Messyold hello and Happy New Year. Lets make it a good one and clear out all the old stuff. Start having fun I see no reason why not you have had enough misery the last year or eight! The problem is your H is still around and whilst he is you are not feeling free and able to start again. Kick him out messy this year and make your new years resolution to not have these silly conversations with him about whose fault it all is or his feelings and thoughts they are not your problem and neither is he.

This year is going to be good for us and freedom tastes so nice honestly.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 10:13

Oh I do understand that he is hurting too, gingermonkey, really I do. It is a horrible horrible situation for both of us to be in, especially when we have had to live together but be apart at the same time for the past 6 months. It totally messes your head up!
I know it was silly to give that chap my number, this is why my thread is titled "Been stupid again"
I am not ready to move on into any kind of relationship, I just thought I may meet up with him at some stage for a bit of company, but not for a while yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 10:14

That's good to hear, glitter! Hope all is good for you atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 10:15

And Happy New Year to you! Hope it is a really good one...you so deserve it!

OP posts:
Carmenere · 28/12/2006 10:23

Gingermonkey there is a hell of a lot more to mom's story than this. Her h is a controlling bastard and her parents aren't much better, whilst your take on the situation may well apply in normal circs I don't think that her parents are well meaning and whilst her h is undoubtably hurting it is only because he is finding it difficult to be mentally abusive to mom anymore.

One thing has stood out for me on this thread MOM, the nice man you met and innocently gave your number to isn't a very rare being. Most men are actually ok, you just happened to end up with a crap one. There is going to be a wonderful, loving and understanding man out there for you when you are ready to find him

kittylettekissingsanta · 28/12/2006 10:25

why dont you change the locks whilst hes at work??

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 11:03

Am a bit cautious about doing anything like that, kitty, as I don't know how he would react.
Things are starting to move on now & hopefully I will be in my own place soon.

OP posts:
glitterfairyonachristmastree · 28/12/2006 11:30

messyold I agree with gingermonkey to some extent in most circumstances but as you and I both know abusive men often make us feel that they are hurting and that it is all our fault when it really isnt. Other people however well meaning can add to that sense by tlaking about our circumstances without knowing the abuse we have suffered at their hands.

I have stopped beating myself up now about the things I have done wrong but it takes so long and really distance is the great healer which you ahve not had. You have done absolutely nothing wrong in taking someones phone number you are no longer in a relationship. Nor should you waste your time worrying about your X and his feelings it is you and your kids who are important now.

I dont know about your H but mine does a great line in being hurt himself but his levels of empathy are scarily low and imo he has many psychological problems which prevent him from seeing others points of view. Much of what he says is echoed by other men in very different situations who really are being treated badly and I can often feel that I am in the wrong when clearly I am not.

Your parents have not ben supportive and should not be listened to either and this is all very difficult because in these sorts of situations it is our families we turn to. Both of us are used to leaning for support on people who have let us down continually and I have had to learn not to drink from that bottle IFYSWIM. WHatever you do take care and dont let yourself be bullied by someone who does not support you in any way whatsoever and never will.

MerryPiffmas · 28/12/2006 11:39

I think you acted with perfect dignity and respect considering your situation.
You are not at all wrong, you are separating and tryign your hardest, to be flattered and taken out for a drink by another chap is in no way feckless or immoral
Don;t be so hard on yourself

gingermonkey · 28/12/2006 11:52

thanks glitter . MOM,I had a similar situation once upon a long time ago (thank god) and so I am only drawing on my experience.My ex made me feel so useless and worthless, he told me I would never get anyone better than him. Obviously I did, he was so wrong. But it has taken a long time to feel special. Abusive men are emotionally weak and to him you are something he owns, he doesn't want to let go of that. It sounds like he has worn you down and that you are almost apologising for him, and the way he is, please don't. You didn't do anything BAD or WRONG in giving your number out, just a little tiny bit unsensible, and that is all. You are allowed to do that, whether you are married or not. What if this man was a woman? Would you be breaking the rules then? Everyone needs a little boost of confidence and someone to say nice things to us. Just keep safe and keep positive. You will be ok as long you carry on doing what you are doing and make sure you get the hell out when you can. IMO you are going about it in the right way, waiting til the house is sold so there is closure. It will be worth it in the long run and you wil be able to walk away with dignity, which I doubt he will. But please, please, please don't think you are a bad person, that's surely not true, if you were you wouldn't be here posting this thread, would you?

Munz · 28/12/2006 11:58

MOM, I followed you other threads but never commented (I don't think) anyhow, you haven't done anything wrong/anything to be ashamed of - and if you ask me you 'h' has realised he no longer has as much control over you as he once did. so well done you on taking back a little control. these are HIS issues rememebr you are your own person, and I realise it's hard esp after so long, but now's the time to stand tall and be proud with anyluck this comming year will be so much better for you and your LO's, you're on the right path and fingers crossed the end's in sight now (hopefully).

your parents (esp dad) are not very helpful at all - and if possible i'd have to recommend either keeping your distance or being very selective on what's said to them. they need to understand what works within their marrige won't always work for every marrige iycwim. your sis on the other hand sounds a lot more not on the level as such but more supportive, could/would she become a close confident who wouldn't tell your parents for the minute till things are sorted out.

hope you're still seeing your h/v etc and haeing lots of support there. from reading your other threads and now this one, I can see/read a clear strenght coming thru, you are stornger than you think here, you're not bad and not crap at all. and tbh I think you're showing a lot of restraint and respect for your 'h' by not 'dating' as it were now with other men.

good luck and I really hope one day to read a thread you start similar to that of amanda's.

Caribbeanqueen · 28/12/2006 12:05

You have not "been stupid again" because you were never stupid in the first place.

You have not done anything wrong, silly, stupid or anything similar. Throughout this whole situation you have acted extremely maturely and responsibly, been a brilliant mother to your boys and somehow remained sane in very difficult circumstances.

There is no reason why you should not swap phone numbers and texts with another man, even meet up if you want to.

The person who has done wrong is h, and checking your phone is just another in a long line of wrongs he has done to you. Don't let him get to you.

Don't take your parents' money - it's a bribe. Let them keep it and know that you will not be bought into changing your mind.

Stay strong.

I will email you.

Blondilocks · 28/12/2006 12:46

You weren't bad. He's the one in the wrong for reading your messages. Even if you weren't separated it'd still be wrong to read them unless you'd said it was ok.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 12:53

Thank you all for your wise words. I know that giving my mobile number out was a bit on the unsensible side, but the sensible part of my brain wasn't working so well due to one too many G&Ts! I just thought he seemed to be a nice chap (don't come across too many of these!)& I didn't think it would hurt, as he didn't seem too pushy or letchy. Anyway, this man knows the score & knows I will not meet up with him all the while H & myself are still living under the same roof, so I think he will leave off texting me for the time being.
H & myself have not exchanged many words since he came in from nights, only him telling me he was off to meet his friends in the pub when he got up. He has gone off now to drown his sorrows!
Don't worry, CQ - there is no way I will take that money from my parents & go on holiday with H, that would be totally bonkers!!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 14:41

Tried to text H at the pub, as I'm not feeling too good & I wondered what time he may be returning, so he can take care of the boys for a while. I have had no reply
CQ - not sure about the remaining sane bit!

OP posts:
fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 28/12/2006 14:51

Why did he ask you if your sister knew messyoldmess? He sounds like he has your family round his wee finger!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 14:58

He has got my family wrapped around his finger - especially my parents.
Not sure why he asked if my sister knew, maybe he is thinking of informing them himself. He knows most of my family won't approve, as they don't want us to be breaking up at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/12/2006 14:58

My dad & BIL are both very very jealous men

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 28/12/2006 15:11

You have come so far, you will do this, just a little while longer and you will be free. def get your solicitor on the case and get him out of your house.