Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Told to fuck off on my birthday

185 replies

sotiredofthis1 · 19/01/2016 15:12

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up. This has caused quite a lot of resentment and upset on my part in the past but I thought I was over it.

On Sunday morning I woke up tense wondering if h would give me a hug / say happy birthday but he didn't. He then was really scathing (once we were downstairs) about cafes (I had told him I wanted all of us to go out for brunch) and said he was not going to come. So I kind of erupted at that point saying all I had wanted was a hug and a happy birthday.... and for all of us to go to the cafe. So he told me to fuck off twice in front of our youngest dd and then mimicked me saying "daddy get me a pony because I deserve it" (not that I have ever said that and I have just turned 47 ffs) several times. I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it. He said it was all about making him feel bad and I said impossible because all he does is think about himself.

I then went out in tears and my neighbour took me out for breakfast on my own. I came back home and had calmed down. H's friend came over to do accounts with him - he did not know it was my birthday. They then went out and did not come back until well after the time h knew that my sister and partner were coming over for birthday cake (which was nice and kind of redeemed the day). So h walked in the room and we had all had cake etc. .. He cooked himself some food and offered the dc some.

He hasn't said a word to me since and neither have I as what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit Confused.

Not sure what my question is really.

OP posts:
MrsUniverse · 19/01/2016 15:15

Leave him. He's abusive and your children are going to grow up with this pathetic fuck as an example.

Run.

hesterton · 19/01/2016 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VagueIdeas · 19/01/2016 15:19

He doesn't care for you or respect you, let alone love you. You don't need to stay married to him, you know.

timelytess · 19/01/2016 15:21

Your question is 'Should I leave him?' and my answer is 'Yes'.
He is setting a very bad example to your children. Do you want them to think relationships are cold and unloving, and that husbands are allowed to be cruel?
Please get rid of him. Plan, get your ducks in a row, don't panic or be upset. Quietly and with increasing confidence, make a new life. Then tell him to shove off.

toopeoply · 19/01/2016 15:22

He sounds horrendous. Easier said than done but move on.

Grumpyoldblonde · 19/01/2016 15:23

Thin end of the wedge? he sounds dreadful, swearing in front of children? Does he do anything on his own or the kids birthdays/Christmas? Only out of interest mind. He doesn't care about you does he? I am sorry, it must be a terrible way to live.

JeanGenie23 · 19/01/2016 15:24

My god you poor love!

Go go now, he hasn't changed he won't change you shouldn't live with this!

pocketsaviour · 19/01/2016 15:24

Anyone who was so vicious and cruel to me in front of my DCs could take a running jump as far as I was concerned. I'm so sorry OP. You deserved so much more Flowers

What do you feel you want to do, OP? Do you want to try to fix things through counselling maybe, or do you feel it's too late for that?

Akire · 19/01/2016 15:27

Sorry you had rubbish birthday. Sounds like your relationship has run its course, no kindness, no consideration. Hardly asking a lot for hug and a happy birthday. Certainly not to be sworn at or made to feel like a spoilt child.
Sounds like you need to have a talk and discuss what happens from now, it's hardly a suprise to either side that things arnt what they used to be. Sometimes it needs one person to get ball rolling, he might be happy living in a miserable relationship and just going through the motions because living together is easier than moving out. But you do deserve better

kittybiscuits · 19/01/2016 15:29

Your question should be 'Should I LTB?' and the answer is yes!

TotalConfucius · 19/01/2016 15:29

Is he generally a miserable bastard? Sounds really rather depressing.
Can you expect much of the same for your 50th? For your 60th, depending on the age of your DC, it might be just you and your not so DH. How does that make you feel? The years of this stretching ahead...
I couldn't do it myself, and would firmly quietly extricate myself in a dignified manner.

Boosiehs · 19/01/2016 15:29

What an utter twat. You are best rid of someone who treats you with so little care, and is abusive in front of your children.

Happy belated birthday! CakeFlowers

TeapotTam · 19/01/2016 15:31

All I can say is what the hell is wrong with him? There must be other issues here aside from your birthdays. Is this normal for him? I can't tell you to leave him based on one example but if that is his attitude in general, you deserve better SadFlowers

MoominPie22 · 19/01/2016 15:39

It is not often I would jump straight to saying LTB, but this is an exception. LTB Shock if this is the sort of contemptuous behaviour you have come to regard as the norm in your relationship its time to cut your losses and run. Or kick his arse out. Wot a dick!Angry

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/01/2016 15:41

It's not about your birthday at all, it's about a woman who isn't valued or loved or cherished by her partner. It's further about the man's verbal abuse, lack of concern for DCs and his self absorption.

If your question were to be 'would you put up with it?' my answer would be a very emphatic 'No'

I hope you feel a bit better for a listening ear here and the support you'll get. I also hope you'll feel empowered to start improving life for you and the DCs.

Hope you enjoyed the nice bits of your birthday OP and that next year's much better Flowers

YakTriangle · 19/01/2016 15:43

I certainly wouldn't want any more birthdays, Mondays, or indeed any other days ruined by someone would treated me so poorly. He sounds truly nasty.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 19/01/2016 15:45

Life is too short to put up with that shit! You deserve so much better.

Get your ducks in a row. You will eventually decide, (if you have not already), that you will be much better off without him. Flowers

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 19/01/2016 15:45

He sounds really awful, what's his redeeming features?

expatinscotland · 19/01/2016 15:48

Jesus wept. He's a cunt. Get him out of your life.

Timetorethink · 19/01/2016 15:49

What a horrible person. Truly horrible. I have been where you are and was told I was old enough not to want to make anything of my birthday. Rubbish. He sounds like a total arse. He would be better off on his own - he clearly does not deserve you.

Mommasoph30 · 19/01/2016 15:49

Leave him, hes trying to manipulate the situation and make it your fault, Leave him it won't get better.

Taytocrisps · 19/01/2016 15:51

*"It's not about your birthday at all, it's about a woman who isn't valued or loved or cherished by her partner. It's further about the man's verbal abuse, lack of concern for DCs and his self absorption.

If your question were to be 'would you put up with it?' my answer would be a very emphatic 'No'"*

I agree with all of this. You deserve better OP.

Belated happy birthday Flowers and Cake

TheVeryThing · 19/01/2016 15:52

Please get rid of this man.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that, on their birthday or any other day.

shovetheholly · 19/01/2016 15:58

So he

  • refuses to buy you anything for your birthday
  • mocks you as spoiled and immature for suggesting you should mark the day
  • refuses to go to a cafe with you for brunch to celebrate
  • abuses you in front of the children
  • deliberately misses your celebration with family
  • refuses to cook for you

Honestly, I wouldn't take one of the above from my DH on an ordinary day, let alone all six on my birthday.

His behaviour is completely and utterly unreasonable. But you already know that. My question to you is why on earth you think he's going to change and why you think you're so stuck that you can't get out of this and start a life with someone who does appreciate and love you. What's stopping you?

catlover97 · 19/01/2016 16:02

What an utter knob end. Sorry I know this is someone you have child(ren) with but really what a shitty way to behave. So sorry you have been through this, there's no reason why anyone should have to put up with such contempt. Please start making plans which don't include him in your future.
Belated Happy Birthday Flowers Cake Wine