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Original poster

Told to fuck off on my birthday

185 replies

sotiredofthis1 · 19/01/2016 15:12

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up. This has caused quite a lot of resentment and upset on my part in the past but I thought I was over it.

On Sunday morning I woke up tense wondering if h would give me a hug / say happy birthday but he didn't. He then was really scathing (once we were downstairs) about cafes (I had told him I wanted all of us to go out for brunch) and said he was not going to come. So I kind of erupted at that point saying all I had wanted was a hug and a happy birthday.... and for all of us to go to the cafe. So he told me to fuck off twice in front of our youngest dd and then mimicked me saying "daddy get me a pony because I deserve it" (not that I have ever said that and I have just turned 47 ffs) several times. I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it. He said it was all about making him feel bad and I said impossible because all he does is think about himself.

I then went out in tears and my neighbour took me out for breakfast on my own. I came back home and had calmed down. H's friend came over to do accounts with him - he did not know it was my birthday. They then went out and did not come back until well after the time h knew that my sister and partner were coming over for birthday cake (which was nice and kind of redeemed the day). So h walked in the room and we had all had cake etc. .. He cooked himself some food and offered the dc some.

He hasn't said a word to me since and neither have I as what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit Confused.

Not sure what my question is really.

OP posts:
cosytoaster · 19/01/2016 17:13

I also think you should plan to end this relationship.

NanaNina - there's a big difference from making the occasional mistake within the context of a generally affectionate and supportive relationship and ongoing twat like behaviour - OPs H seems to fall into the latter category.

NanaNina · 19/01/2016 17:13

Offred I was not encouraging the OP to stay with a violent partner. She made it very clear that she was not going to involve the police even though you were all piling in and telling her what to do. It was in fact the OP in question who was PMing me to say that she felt upset by all the posters telling her what to do, and we had several conversations. She didn't return to the thread but it didn't stop you all ranting on about what she should do. Have you ever heard of self determination?

I can see how given your explanation of your own life why the take the stance that you do and I was attempting to be understanding but you come back with a lie about me (and it isn't the first time you've done that) I am not (nor ever have) "fed someone's fears that they should be allowed to be abused"

As I've said before in 1979 myself and colleagues opened one of the first women's refuges in the country and became affiliated to Women's Aid and I have worked for Women's Aid for many years, albeit now sporadically as I have a long term health condition.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2016 17:16

'It was in fact the OP in question who was PMing me to say that she felt upset by all the posters telling her what to do, and we had several conversations. She didn't return to the thread but it didn't stop you all ranting on about what she should do. Have you ever heard of self determination?'

That's another thread, Nana. You are derailing this one to make it all about . . . this other thread.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2016 17:17

And about yourself. No one cares about your CV Hmm.

Offred · 19/01/2016 17:21

So yes then, you are going to make another thread all about you, how people are picking on you and how you are the only person who should be allowed to give advice because you opened a refuge and were a social worker.

Yes, you did actually tell that poster that he wouldn't necessarily hit her again. That is actually what you said in public on her thread (amongst other things).

Yes, I have heard of self determination but it is not the same as encouraging someone to stay in a bad situation. You don't get it. It is clear. You think you are the only one who has it right and people have it in for you.

I'm not going to indulge your self obsessed pity party on this thread so this is my last post to you. Say whatever nasty things you like to me in whatever passive aggressively manipulative way you like, I think reading your posting history speaks for itself really.

pocketsaviour · 19/01/2016 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NanaNina · 19/01/2016 17:22

Offred if you are going to quote me can you confine yourself to the truth, because I have never told anyone that "he wouldn't necessarily hit her again" neither do I encourage women to stay in abusive situations. You just seem to make things up and then post them as fact. Shocking.

On the other thread you actually advised the op that he wouldn't necessarily hit her again and you have a consistent posting history which encourages women to stay in abusive situations, loads of criticism of the idea of leaving being suggested, loads of switching the attention to you and not the OP's issue...

pocketsaviour · 19/01/2016 17:22

OP, what did your sister and her partner think of the situation? Did you tell them what he had said?

expatinscotland · 19/01/2016 17:23

'were a social worker.'

Yeah, that always blows my mind. Yep, let's keep kids in a home with abuse going on. W.T.A.F?!

NanaNina · 19/01/2016 17:24

No worries pocketsaviour I'm leaving the thread.

mum2mum99 · 19/01/2016 17:24

Whoever has posted before should know her and her 'saving' interventions.
I think we needed to warn the innocent new comer here. Job done now.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 19/01/2016 17:26

NanaNina a lot of people come on her to say the level of similar shit they would be prepared to put up with and to LTB etc so the OP can get some perspective. They are not necessarily being prescriptive and demanding but what they are saying helps the OP to get things in proportion and understand more clearly what they should get arsey about and what they may feel they can ignore. I refuse to believe that anyone leaves their marriage or relationship purely on advice given on MN but knowing that ten out of ten others in similar shit situations would LTB would really help.

This 'D'H is not putting a foot wrong. Putting a foot wrong is forgetting her birthday, apologising and then going out to get flowers and taking her to her chosen cafe for brunch, not being an abusing, micky taking mocking gobshite. You put up with crap like that if you want but the day my DH behaved like the OP's has on her birthday would be the day I would be getting my ducks in a row I can tell you. He wouldn't though, he loves birthdays and is as thoughtful as they come. On my birthday last year, as he knew he would not be able to go out (due to a particular set of circumstances that would out me) and buy me a balloon (I love balloons) he bought a frigging gas cylinder and a load of balloons off the internet and inflated them himself here. That is the sort of behaviour that shows love and respect. Just sayin'

OP - he's a git LTB.

AlpacaPicnic · 19/01/2016 17:28

I'll answer your pointless question NanaNina. Yes, my DH has done things wrong at times. He's forgotten my birthday once. He's upset me during arguments. He's messy and won't cook unless I specifically ask him too. He hoards crockery in his study until we run out of plates.

But he's never been cruel to me. He's never mimicked me to belittle my wants. And we go out to brunch, or dinner, or the movies because we both have a nice time doing those things.
But you know what, this thread isn't about me. Or you. This thread is about someone who is being treated badly by the one person who is supposed to treat her better than anyone else, the person who is supposed to think 'I'm so glad we get to spend time together'

The OP came here to ask for advice, and to have some sympathy from people who have been there.

queenofthepirates · 19/01/2016 17:29

Wow, just wow.

My Dad passed away on my 40th birthday and I honestly thought I had the marker for the crappiest birthday but honestly, yours wins. Not that it's a competition but if that's what I had to look forward to every year, I would be in pieces.

Give yourself the best present next year xxx

Jan45 · 19/01/2016 17:30

Shocked at how nasty he appears, I assume there's a back story and not an isolated incident.

When things are this bad it's time for a serious talk, he must know he is being hurtful, if he has that much anger towards you then he'd be better leaving you alone, nit picking and point scoring are signs of perhaps the relationship being over but nobody having the guts or awareness to actually end it officially.

Only you know if this is something that can be resolved but if this is your life in general I'd also strongly advise you to end it, it's not a happy life for anyone.

Ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2016 17:32

Jesus wept sotired Sad

Sweetheart you know what you have to do. You deserve so, so much more than this piece of shit. You deserve love and respect and happiness. You aren't going to get that with him.

Fwiw, happy birthday. Just think, by your next birthday you could be so much happier.

NanaNina's posts always make me feel so sad - how can anyone (especially an "ex social worker" with what is supposed to be a specialist background) ever think any situation like this is acceptable Sad Sad Sad

QuiteLikely5 · 19/01/2016 17:36

I doubt this is his only shoddy behaviour

ricketytickety · 19/01/2016 17:37

You are being set up to fail by him. It's hard to get perspective when it's happening, but basically he is doing it on purpose to upset you. Then when you get upset he mocks you. Then when you actually go out and celebrate it he punishes you by not talking to you and cooking a meal for everyone but you. ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!!

It is totally unreasonable behaviour and designed to make you feel like shit and put you in your place all at once. Hold on to what you know is right and wrong. Basically, if a partner upsets the other in a good relationship they will listen and apologise and try to make it better. But in a bad relationship often things are done to purposefully upset someone and then they are mocked or punished when they get upset. For control.

Fratelli · 19/01/2016 17:38

Oh god do I have to read NanaNina's bloody cv again? Making it all about herself as usual.

Op I'm so sorry about everything you've been putting up with. Sending you lots of strength whatever you decide. Flowers and Cake for you

ricketytickety · 19/01/2016 17:38

What I am saying is don't lose the knowledge that when you get upset there will be a very good reason and don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise. A good partner recognises this. A bad partner will tell you you are mad etc so they can keep controlling you.

Pigeonpost · 19/01/2016 17:40

What?! He is an absolute twunt. NONE of that behaviour is acceptable and is totally and utterly unreasonable. Start planning your exit strategy now. Short term pain for long term gain and all... Flowers

donajimena · 19/01/2016 17:42

nananina my OH frequently makes more mess than humanly possible when making a simple cup of tea. It gives me the rage I can tell you. As for crumbs wherever he sits... but I let it go because do you know why? Thats probably the worst things he does.

whatevva · 19/01/2016 17:51

I would say there is a big difference between someone who does not get big gestures and birthdays (DH - at least I get a kiss and a card and chocs, and he will take me somewhere if I ask; he just hasn't got a clue as it is not important to him and wasn't to his parents, but they always remembered)

and someone who takes the piss out of someone's desire for what is a fairly basic birthday celebration, and grinds it in, with added grit.

I would:

a. just go out with the DC for all future birthdays

b. Go and see someone about where I stand financially and legally for a quick exit.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2016 17:53

Nananina is Erin Pizzey and I claim my £5

OP, your husband doesn't even like you. He is teaching your children that you, and all women, do not deserve any respect or to have feelings.

How many more birthdays will you tolerate this for ? It will only get worse, you know this.

Youarentkiddingme · 19/01/2016 17:59

That's not just not celebrating birthdays that was out and out nastiness. L

The not going to cafe was pure spite designed to point out that he won't acknowledge your birthday. Let's be honest, brunch in a cafe can happen any weekend day. Would he have made such a fuss about not going if it wasn't your birthday?

It's always easier said than done and I'm not a fan of just spouting LTB but I'd say in this case you should seriously consider what you are getting from this relationship. It certainly isn't love, respect and mutual kindness.