Told to fuck off on my birthday

[sotiredofthis1]

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up. This has caused quite a lot of resentment and upset on my part in the past but I thought I was over it.

On Sunday morning I woke up tense wondering if h would give me a hug / say happy birthday but he didn't. He then was really scathing (once we were downstairs) about cafes (I had told him I wanted all of us to go out for brunch) and said he was not going to come. So I kind of erupted at that point saying all I had wanted was a hug and a happy birthday.... and for all of us to go to the cafe. So he told me to fuck off twice in front of our youngest dd and then mimicked me saying "daddy get me a pony because I deserve it" (not that I have ever said that and I have just turned 47 ffs) several times. I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it. He said it was all about making him feel bad and I said impossible because all he does is think about himself.

I then went out in tears and my neighbour took me out for breakfast on my own. I came back home and had calmed down. H's friend came over to do accounts with him - he did not know it was my birthday. They then went out and did not come back until well after the time h knew that my sister and partner were coming over for birthday cake (which was nice and kind of redeemed the day). So h walked in the room and we had all had cake etc. .. He cooked himself some food and offered the dc some.

He hasn't said a word to me since and neither have I as what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit .

Not sure what my question is really.

Yes I do have some friends and family I can talk to.

We tried counselling about 3 years ago but h stopped coming after 4 or 5 sessions.

Will see what things are like over the coming week. Hopefully my attempt at jolting h out of his silence will slowly be working as I know for a fact that I will not be able to put up with much longer of the silent / rude when talking has to happen treatment.

I really don't want to separate for many reasons - dd crying because I spent one night away last night was bad enough . I don't think separation immediately leads to a happier life - in my case I think I would have a breakdown while simultaneously feeling as if I had been expelled from my dcs' lives some of the time. I suppose I have always been quite "in control" as a parent and it would partly be that loss if control that I would find very hard to bear. I don't think it would be the easy option it is sometimes presented as. So maybe all I can do is work on getting my work life back together and on having as much fun as possible with friends etc...

You have no intention of leaving this man no matter how abusive he becomes. Nor are you that committed to work outside the home.

You also sound very childish about birthdays. Sorry.

dexra it can can a long time for an abused woman to muster the courage to leave. it is extremely hard to do. From the outside we can all see how awful her situation is. Although the OP knows what is happening is not right she also believes that the alternative (leaving) would be worse.
All she can do is keep posting, keep asking and all we can do is keep answering. There is not point in getting snappy and frustrated. That won't work.

OP, of course your DD is upset, but that is not a reason to stay. She will be having a really crap time having to suffer and witness his abuse of you. It is abuse of her too, yet it is scary for her to break out of the status quo, as it is for you.

Well said Bigbuttons! OP, I hope u can work something out to make it more tolerable for u to live under the same roof. I hear wot ur saying btw, re the complexities of actually moving out. Or him moving out. It sounds like it's stale mate atm.

I would just say, if I were in your shoes, I'd absolutely accept the marriage is over and ur both cohabiting only, for the foreseeable. I would certainly have no expectations of him outside of house and kid related matters. I would literally expect to live seperate lives, as if u were just house sharing. At least this way I wouldn't b emotionally involved, he wouldn't b able to let me down like on the birthday, but you'd still have your kids full time.

Only u can decide when ur ready to move onto the nxt chapter. But u would obv have to communicate all of this to him so he's aware of your position and that it's a marriage on paper only. He would need to know boundaries and you'd b free to get out there and live your life and have happiness. He'd b free to do as he pleases and his fucked up behaviour and moods and ridiculously petty silent treatments wouldn't effect u cos you'll no longer b emotionally involved. 2 seperate lives under 1 roof that works on a practical level.

That's wot I would do in your position anyway, if I wasnt ready to divorce.

He does hate you yes, maybe you are starting to realise that
The problem is, once you realise it, there's no going back to when you pretended he actually liked you

It's relatively easy to 'live separate lives' when both of you agree to do it. Usually it's a situation where two people agree that the love has died but that they can still respect each other and be nice to each other for the sake of the children or for financial reasons. That's not your case. Your H appears to actively dislike you and he uses you as a whipping boy and he enjoys it. He's not going to say "Oh, OK then, we'll be roomies". You can try to live a separate life by yourself, but he's still going to pick you to pieces, give you the silent treatment, and otherwise make your life hell. Do you really think you can just ignore that? Would you ignore that kind of treatment from a real roomie? Of course not. Remember that 'grinning and bearing it' is NOT a real life choice.

And what do you think his reaction will be when you explain to him that for all intents and purposes you are no longer a couple, you will live a separate life (as he is free to do) but that you still expect him to support you financially (even partially). I don't think that's going to go down well, do you?

You ask why, if your H wants out, why he doesn't just say so. Why should he when he's having his cake and eating it too?

As far as your DD. What type of relationship are you modeling for her? She's seeing her father verbally abuse her mother and her mother putting up with it. Is that what you want for her? Because that's what she's going to see as 'normal'.

Am happy to take on board that I may be childish about birthdays (and other stuff) - kind of stuck in an emotional time warp and unable to move on.

Regarding the work no one has any way of knowing anything about it as have said very little - am in the process of applying to two agencies for temporary admin work (which apparently there is a lot of). It's just that the application is taking ages and I no longer believe it is going to happen though this is what this organisation is apparently like. ID checks and interviews etc. .. all done and just waiting for the final steps in their amazingly long winded joining process (which has been going on since November).

These kinds of episodes which end with h not talking happen about every 5 months. In between things are okay, I have learned how to maintain my own boundaries much better than I used to be able to. When something like the fuck off incident happens then I sometimes turn to the Internet for support as it's a lonely place to be.

I would certainly have no expectations of him outside of house and kid related matters yes am going to do this moomin

Thanks for all your messages.

Sorry missed your message across. No I wouldn't tell h that I would like to live separately in the same house, not only because it's not what I want but also because I don't think he would, as you say, take it well. Not to discredit your suggestion moomin.

No I would not want my dc to have difficult relationships and I do worry about what we are modelling when it all goes pear shaped like this but for the moment I don't think I am strong enough to make a massive change and think I am better served by lowering my expectations of h. But this does depend on him stopping his silence and hoisting himself back into some kind of normality.

You might feel stronger if you weren't around him so much