Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Told to fuck off on my birthday

185 replies

sotiredofthis1 · 19/01/2016 15:12

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up. This has caused quite a lot of resentment and upset on my part in the past but I thought I was over it.

On Sunday morning I woke up tense wondering if h would give me a hug / say happy birthday but he didn't. He then was really scathing (once we were downstairs) about cafes (I had told him I wanted all of us to go out for brunch) and said he was not going to come. So I kind of erupted at that point saying all I had wanted was a hug and a happy birthday.... and for all of us to go to the cafe. So he told me to fuck off twice in front of our youngest dd and then mimicked me saying "daddy get me a pony because I deserve it" (not that I have ever said that and I have just turned 47 ffs) several times. I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it. He said it was all about making him feel bad and I said impossible because all he does is think about himself.

I then went out in tears and my neighbour took me out for breakfast on my own. I came back home and had calmed down. H's friend came over to do accounts with him - he did not know it was my birthday. They then went out and did not come back until well after the time h knew that my sister and partner were coming over for birthday cake (which was nice and kind of redeemed the day). So h walked in the room and we had all had cake etc. .. He cooked himself some food and offered the dc some.

He hasn't said a word to me since and neither have I as what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit Confused.

Not sure what my question is really.

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2016 16:02

He is a bitter angry man and not interested in changing.

i won't tell you to leave today, but I will tell you that he is not going to suddenly transform into the man you want him to be. Not suddenly, and not ever.

If you can live with a lifetime of being let down and ridiculed, and if you can live with the example he is setting your DC, then you can talk to him and tell him how you feel, but he won't listen, he doesn't care and he won't change.

If you can't live with that, then the only option really is to leave. I know it's hard to believe that you can't make someone see something with is perfectly reasonable and clear to 99% of society, but this is the truth. He is entrenched in his dark and hateful world and exists only to hurt you.

I have seen this exact behaviour first hand.

Flowers
ohidoliketobe · 19/01/2016 16:03

Happy belated birthday.
To me, the first line of your second para says it all I woke up tense
You wake up tenses about a job interview, a funeral, some other stressful event. Not over what your husband's mood is going to be that day, and certainly not on your bloody birthday!
I don't know you (I don't think ) and yeah there might be other elements and a big back story. But from what you've said in thay short snippet, he treats with you with utter contempt and disrespect made worse that some of this was in front of your DC .

You don't deserve this. You know this.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/01/2016 16:04

Jesus, what a prick, has he always been thus?

GingerNutRiskIt · 19/01/2016 16:06

You say that he wasn't brought up having birthdays, and I'm not saying it's an excuse for what he's done, because it's inexcusable, and he's like it every other day. I'm just wondering if your kindness and affection is making him resent his own upbringing?
Either way, it's something you shouldn't have to put up with and I agree with the others, you and your DC are worth more than that. I wouldn't want my DSs growing up thinking they could treat women like that, and if I had a DD I wouldn't want her thinking that it's acceptable to be treated like it either.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 19/01/2016 16:07

treat yourself to a lovely birthday present- future happiness and freedom- LTB. Sorry I honestly see nothing for you there.....

chillycurtains · 19/01/2016 16:08

I would think your question is 'Do I want to be with this man forever?' and 'Do I want my children to grow up thinking this is how to treat people you care about?'
If you have DDs then this is showing them how they should be treated as women and they will seek this out in their own relationships as it is familiar / the norm to them.
If you have DSs then this is showing them how to treat the women in their lives. They will treat you like it in the future especiallly as teenagers and they will treat at silly women in their lives who accept it and sadly there will be women like yourself who do.

It is not really about your birthday at all, it's about his behaviour and his attitudes towards you and really (I'm sorry) whether he loves you at all.

Did he come from an abusive home setting? Has he learnt this himself? This doesn't excuse it but explains the pattern possibly.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/01/2016 16:08

what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit
Here are the divorce papers.

Eliza22 · 19/01/2016 16:08

First of all...."Happy Birthday!"

Now, pack the fucker's bags and tell him this is the last birthday of yours that he will piss all over.

Simple.

Ginslinger · 19/01/2016 16:09

Please leave this man - he is awful. You deserve so much better. Flowers

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 19/01/2016 16:10

and happy birthday!

donajimena · 19/01/2016 16:12

Your post made me so sad. This is no way to live.

babyiwantabump · 19/01/2016 16:12

What a horrible man!

I bet he expects the whole shebang on his birthday though doesn't he!!

Selfish and immature - it costs nothing to say happy birthday!

Happy Birthday OP!

ouryve · 19/01/2016 16:14

What a dick.

Has this been a bit of a wake up moment for you? His behaviour towards you in front of the kids would be a dealbreaker for me. Nasty fucker.

Anaffaquine123 · 19/01/2016 16:15

That is awful and not acceptable behaviour, especially on your birthday.

Happy birthday!Thanks

AlpacaPicnic · 19/01/2016 16:18

There is a big difference between not doing anything to mark a birthday and being a deliberately cruel person.
I mean, you wanted to go out for brunch. You didn't ask for much and he still couldn't give that to you because he wants to belittle you and hurt you in front of your children.

If he treated your children like that, how would you feel?

I think you deserve a lot better.

JennyOnAPlate · 19/01/2016 16:19

He's an utter cunt. Leave him. Your dc are learning that this is how a man should treat a woman...do you want that for them?

BaronessEllaSaturday · 19/01/2016 16:26

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up.

Was he brought up a jehovah's witness by any chance since they do not celebrate birthdays at all. If he doesn't celebrate birthdays ever then it's not fair of you to try to force him to. it's something that you either accept or it's a deal breaker. Sounds like you thought you could accept it but really it is a deal breaker. Letting you celebrate with friends and family but staying out of the way himself sounds like a reasonable compromise but it isn't what you want.

Telling you to fuck off and mocking you is unacceptable no matter what the excuse. That is what shows his true colours. That is the only thing you need to focus on. Ignore the birthday issue (unless he does expect you to celebrate his) because if he does feel celebrating is wrong due to his upbringing then it will just cloud the issue which is his abusive behaviour.

Happy Birthday Flowers

NanaNina · 19/01/2016 16:26

Can I ask if all of the posters telling the OP to LTB have wonderful caring husbands/partners who never put a foot wrong, and if they did you would LTB? I continue to be amazed at so many posts telling an OP to LTB (not just this one) You don't know anything about the relationship other than the few lines of text the OP typed when she was upset and she hasn't come back, which is usually what happens.

Draylon · 19/01/2016 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbuttons · 19/01/2016 16:30

He's just like my ex. He often made my cry on my birthday.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2016 16:36

You deserved much, much better. What's he like in general? Is this a single bone of contention in your marriage or a symptom of a greater problem?

Even if he wasn't raised to 'do' birthdays, it's not like you're asking to be 'Queen for the Day'. All you're asking for is truly just a minimal effort. How fucking hard is a hug, a happy birthday, and a meal out? I'm sorry, but he's just a cruel cunt. My DH was never one for 'romantic gestures'. He's the rock-solid 'I'll change your car's oil to show I love you' type. But once he realized that those gestures meant something to me, he at least tries and has a few standard things he'll do (because he has no imagination). And I truly appreciate that he's stepping out of his comfort zone. It's the effort not the result, isn't it?

Just out of curiosity, does he expect something for his birthday? Does he think 'well, I don't expect you to do anything for mine, why should I do for yours'? What's his attitude towards Christmas (or whatever gift-giving holiday that's in your tradition)?

Hissy · 19/01/2016 16:38

My ex ruined every birthday I spent with him. My mother spoilt my 40th and he utterly destroyed what was left of it by literally pointing out my grey hairs and how old I was looking. :(

I think he was lying because everyone else puts me at much younger than 47. He just wanted me to feel bad about myself.

My ex also ruins our sons birthday. Or tries to. Ds doesn't care about his dad or his approval anymore. The ex did that, all by himself.

He used to sit in the kitchen scowling while ds opened his presents.

He never ever used a single thing I ever bought him as a gift, unless it made him look flash.

Let me tell you, life with these joy suckers is pitiful. Let this be your last birthday where someone tells you to fuck off, where someone swears in front of your child.

It won't ever get any better, he has nothing but contempt for you.

You are 47 now (same as me) wouldn't you say that life is too short to put up with this crap?

What would happen if you told him to stop being A tight arsed, mean and nasty person and that you've had enough of this crap and if he can't treat you with respect on your birthday then tbh, it's not going to work out much longer

Out of interest, does he like/expect a fuss on his birthday?

ChewyGiraffe · 19/01/2016 16:39

I'm sorry OP. Totally not unreasonable that his selfish nonsense upset you. A belated happy birthday here too and Wine Brew Cake in a top notch cafe.

I've no idea what I think you should do next ... leaving would cross my mind, or Relate-type counselling (if you could rely on them to sit him down and tell him he's behaving like a tw*t?) I don't know ... Definitely more Cake

expatinscotland · 19/01/2016 16:43

'Can I ask if all of the posters telling the OP to LTB have wonderful caring husbands/partners who never put a foot wrong, and if they did you would LTB?'

He:
'- mocks you as spoiled and immature for suggesting you should mark the day

  • refuses to go to a cafe with you for brunch to celebrate
  • abuses you in front of the children
  • deliberately misses your celebration with family
  • refuses to cook for you'

And you see that as just 'putting a foot wrong'? Hmm

lorelei9 · 19/01/2016 16:44

Nasty piece of work
Does he do anything for the DC birthdays? I'm going to say it's almost worse if he does.

That thing about the pony, what an arse.

If you leave him now, you'll have a fab day next year....in fact, if you leave him there is a good chance all your days will be lovely!