Told to fuck off on my birthday

[sotiredofthis1]

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up. This has caused quite a lot of resentment and upset on my part in the past but I thought I was over it.

On Sunday morning I woke up tense wondering if h would give me a hug / say happy birthday but he didn't. He then was really scathing (once we were downstairs) about cafes (I had told him I wanted all of us to go out for brunch) and said he was not going to come. So I kind of erupted at that point saying all I had wanted was a hug and a happy birthday.... and for all of us to go to the cafe. So he told me to fuck off twice in front of our youngest dd and then mimicked me saying "daddy get me a pony because I deserve it" (not that I have ever said that and I have just turned 47 ffs) several times. I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it. He said it was all about making him feel bad and I said impossible because all he does is think about himself.

I then went out in tears and my neighbour took me out for breakfast on my own. I came back home and had calmed down. H's friend came over to do accounts with him - he did not know it was my birthday. They then went out and did not come back until well after the time h knew that my sister and partner were coming over for birthday cake (which was nice and kind of redeemed the day). So h walked in the room and we had all had cake etc. .. He cooked himself some food and offered the dc some.

He hasn't said a word to me since and neither have I as what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit .

Not sure what my question is really.

Love is wanting to make your partner happy.

This means pleasing your partner and stopping any behaviour you know has upset them and then being sad that you've made them unhappy.

I love my DH. If I'd upset him I'd be mortified and feel guilty, even if I didn't mean it.

Says a lot your DH isn't like that

Why on earth do you make him a cake on his birthday when he does literally nothing for yours? Even your birthday cafe meal out, you have to arrange so that theres a chance he might grace you with his presence?

Im really struggling to see what you would lose by breaking up with him, you already do everything yourself, seems like all you get is his wages and indifference out of this.

From what you describe of him, he sounds a lot like my sister, who has a personality disorder. She's not malicious and she's not intolerable all of the time, in fact she can be very very funny and lovely to be around, but literally everything revolves entirely around her - she cannot take other people's feelings into account at all. It's a disability - it stops her having meaningful relationships and it's meant that she still lives at home with my parents. What summed it up for me was when I invited her to come wedding dress shopping with me and she said 'you won't like anything I pick' to which I replied 'but surely you'll pick things you think I'll like?' She was baffled, no, she said, of course she wouldn't, she would only pick things she likes. The idea of thinking of someone else and trying to suit them was beyond her. It is impossible to have a relationship with her - she isn't capable of it. She is also quite dangerous in the sense that she will do and say pretty much anything (non-violent) to fulfil her personal goals. She will be nice and nasty in the same sentence, as long as it fits with what she wants. It's headwrecking being around her - I've had to go no-contact because there's too much history for me to deal with her, even though I know she doesn't do it deliberately.

I am not someone who thinks birthdays are the most wondrous days of ones life either, but that is totally unreasonable and the way this man is treating you is beneath contempt, he cannot possibly love you. Best kick him into touch. I say this as a man.

My DH is not bothered by birthdays etc, so he doesn't care if he celebrates it. However, he knows that I like celebrating birthdays etc and makes a fuss because he loves me and loves to make me happy.

From what you describe it sounds horrendous and it needs to change.

He is choosing to be horrible to you on your birthday, to make you feel worse, why doesn't he pick a random day to be abusive? He is abusive, selfish and nasty,
You would be happier not let ving in the same house as this awful abusive man

I'd make him a birthday cake out of cat food for him.

I thought my 42nd birthday was bad; the theatre company I was with at the time had all agreed to go out for a pint after rehearsal. Instead they all pissed off home. I was left very upset in Victoria Station.

But his behaviour is beyond the pale. Especially the pony comment. No, you did not want a pony, you just wanted someone to say happy birthday. It's not hard.

And here, I lose my cherry: LTB

Im really struggling to see what you would lose by breaking up with him, you already do everything yourself, seems like all you get is his wages and indifference out of this.

Yes though the roof over my head is a really big deal. And I can be with my dc full time, I cannot explain the extent to which I am scared of opening that particular can of worms and finding that I may be spending a large part of my time without my kids.

cailindana

She will be nice and nasty in the same sentence, as long as it fits with what she wants. It's headwrecking being around her

I can relate to this - the headwrecking part.

Uugh. What a Vile specimen of a man.

Selfish. Childish. Mean.

What will you put on his Headstone?

"Here lies Joe Sotired. Much hated by all who knew him. He really was a Twat. RIP. "

If that little scene of you and your youngest daughter standing in the kitchen on your birthday while your husband told you to fuck of and took the piss out of you is a good snapshot of your family life in general, it's miserable. It's not good enough for you, or for your children.

No it has been a lot better than this for a long time really - things like what happened on my birthday happen when h's buttons are pushed. He must have felt an element of shame or inadequacy to react in that way. Not that that makes my current reality any easier. H and I have not spoken since Sunday and I feel really awful .

It sounds unlikely that 50/50 would work for him. And honestly some time for yourself will be welcome. And being alone will be better than this I promise. But what happens if any or all of your children eventually decide they would rather be with the other parent full time? I am just not ready to deal with that kind of devastation.

Our life is finely balanced - we are 20 minutes walk from the two elder dcs' secondary school and they have always been adamant that they would not change schools. I am trying to get back into full time work after a long time as SAHM and this would involve me getting back home at 6.00 pm ish. H is self employed and could manipulate things to be there in the afternoons - suddenly becoming a very present Dad while I am out getting my slightly above minimum wage money to live somewhere else away from everything I have known as well as my dc - sorry this is worst case scenario but once the divorce beast is unleashed who knows what might happen. It also does not help that house prices are so unbelievably high etc (well I know that everybody knows that already and that it does not help many people!).

During our really awful crisis last spring I told h that I am a reasonable person and he in all seriousness said that he isn't. It was like a call to war and to be honest I don't know if I have the strength to go through it - h would make things as difficult as possible I am sure with his name on most of the things we have etc...

Feel very down and hopeless and driving myself crazy with thoughts going round and round my head. I feel lost basically.

The kids don't get to decide where they stay. You're the parent. You're in charge.

Personally, I'd say if you can, be a SAHM or get a job that's 9am-3pm, so you're always there for the kids.

You can split assets (sell the house), and you get a bigger chunk if his Pension is bigger than yours.

Council tax is 25% less when you're single.

If you take a Part time job, you'll be entitled to Tax Credits.

Child Benefit is always payable to the Mum.

He will have to pay you Child Support.

Work it all out. You may be surprised that you can afford to leave.

And you may only be single for a while. If you re-marry, the chances are you'll be better off financially.

He won't change OP, I guess you have to decide if materialistic things matter more to you than peace and tranquillity, for you and your children. Staying only pleases one person - him, he wins every time.

Happy Birthday for yesterday.
Here's to a great day next year, with people who love you.

The dc are almost 10, 12 and 14 so I think the eldest could definitely decide and the other 2 would soon get to that age.

I know many people get divorced and survive but I can't get my head round not being able to see my dc every day - especially as they might need me for specific things. I know this works the other way around as well - basically to see one parent they have to not see the other . Hard for everybody . I know people get used to it but I am very scared. I know that there is a material element to my fear but it is mainly the fear of feeling/being excluded from my kids' lives.

Personally, I'd say if you can, be a SAHM or get a job that's 9am-3pm, so you're always there for the kids.

Yes am definitely going to work towards getting a 9 till 3 job if I can.

Feel quite alone as though I have 3 or 4 friends where we live and my sister up the road, my Dad lives 2000 miles away and my aunt (his sister) about 2 hours away by train and I guess they would be my real sources of support (not knocking my friends or sister!).

Staying only pleases one person - him, he wins every time.

Not sure - maybe he was actually telling me to fuck off because he too realises that our relationship does not work.

Thanks Frances - and thanks to everyone else as well for all your thoughts.

Your kids are not toddlers, what's wrong with sharing the care with him, would give you some free time also when they are with him.

You certainly wont be the first woman to leave an unhappy relationship.

What would seal it for me is him calling you names and swearing at you, in front of your kids, basically they are living in a toxic environment and learning that it's ok for your partner to call you names and ridicule you, it's so not right.

You say there is no affection or kindness in your relationship - what are you staying for then, more abuse?

But do you understand the relationship you are modeling for your children? That your sons are learning to be self-important bullies and your daughters are learning to be doormats?

Do you really think that's acceptable just so you can be with them 24/7? What about what is right for them?

I wouldn't have any problem with sharing care though I would find it hard to adapt. It would be more if any of them decided for whatever reason that they were going to permanently live with him.

I guess change especially change which would be so destabilising at first, is very frightening. There would be lots of grieving to do and I am scared that I am not strong enough.

Will start by seeing if I can get my ducks in a row (whatever I decide to do afterwards) as should then be able to think more clearly.

But each day which passes during which we are not talking, makes me feel weaker - I guess that's what it's designed to do. In the normal world someone who had said what h said might apologise - he has probably made it completely my fault in his head.

I suppose the crux of it is is that he is the one who is difficult so why should I then be the one who appears to be the evil "family splitter". During our awful crisis last spring I went to stay with a relative for 3 days as I was going through such a rough time and could not cope at home. For ages afterwards the dc were saying I had "abandoned" them .

Who do you think put that emotive word in their heads ?

why do you think a minimum wage job is your best option? Why not find something that is a reasonable career to retrain into? You've let all the hope be crushed out of you. Your DH would have to pay a reasonable maintenance to allow you to re-train given that you have been a SAHP for a lengthy period. I've got 2 dear friends who left horrible sods like your DH and while their DH's have never changed and said every low thing they could to assume victim status for themselves, at the end of the day they're free now, and their lives are much happier for it.

Your post rang so many bells with me. My ex was just like your husband.
Refused to celebrate bdays, even though to me it is very important.
Would ignore me for days, weeks at a time because he couldn't be arsed to talk to me.
Told me I was boring, never affectionate or loving. I felt lonely in my relationship .
I stayed with him because I thought the dc would be better with us together and because my ex earned a lot of money so we were very comfortable.

But I was miserable. Truly miserable.
One day I realised that if my daughter described her relationship in the future to be anything like this I would be devastated. It was the final straw and I told him I was done and why.
It was awful and he's still not accepted it really. Ironically he sees now all that he did wrong and we get on great, I no longer let him have any input to my happiness.
He's a better father now.

My life is much much happier.
It's hard but trust me it's worth it.

All you can do is offer the children something they don't have right now. A home that is calm and peaceful. Where you are happy and they feel safe and cared for. You know you can offer that but can he? perhaps the older child may choose to be with dad but you know you will make huge efforts to see them all the time. Theywillsoon see that life might be better with mum. Even if you h becomes a model parent you still have the children half the time and have the same oropportunity to show them your love.

Few years ago, someone proposed me with the declaration of love and commitment. One week before the proposal, it was my birthday. He didn't send me a text or email, I wasn't expecting a call from him. Just a simple line of two words would have changed my whole day. I waited until midnight. After midnight I cried. I promised myself not to cry on my BD but felt so sad, very sad, and I think as soon as midnight arrived tears started to drop as I couldn't hold back anymore. Inside of me it was over.
I know he wasn't away nor did he have hectic schedule. It was plain ignorance and silent treatment.

I turned down his proposal with a poem, although I was in love with him.
I don't know if he understood or not...
One thing I know is - I'm not an entitled bitch who expects a lot.
I asked myself only one question: "What kind of person are you if you can't offer kindness and some thoughts to your dearest and nearest."

It's very disturbing to be sworn at. It's more painful to hear it on your BD.

I'm sorry, he doesn't treat you well.

I hope you find peace one day.

stay strong

I am a child of a similar relationship. As a child, it is not happy at all and has had long lasting effects on my siblings and me. My father was very like your H. He wrecked every celebration, was horrible to us DC sometimes and was especially horrible to my DM. She stayed with him until he died, but could have had a much better life if she had left. At least one of my siblings blames her for nor leaving. I kind of agree. My father was not horrible all the time; that would be impossible, but he left a shadow on many days. I would say, for your DCs' sake, leave, or at least do something. I agree that the silent treatment is to wear you down. Please stay strong. The house was always much lighter when he wasn't there.