Told to fuck off on my birthday

[sotiredofthis1]

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up. This has caused quite a lot of resentment and upset on my part in the past but I thought I was over it.

On Sunday morning I woke up tense wondering if h would give me a hug / say happy birthday but he didn't. He then was really scathing (once we were downstairs) about cafes (I had told him I wanted all of us to go out for brunch) and said he was not going to come. So I kind of erupted at that point saying all I had wanted was a hug and a happy birthday.... and for all of us to go to the cafe. So he told me to fuck off twice in front of our youngest dd and then mimicked me saying "daddy get me a pony because I deserve it" (not that I have ever said that and I have just turned 47 ffs) several times. I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it. He said it was all about making him feel bad and I said impossible because all he does is think about himself.

I then went out in tears and my neighbour took me out for breakfast on my own. I came back home and had calmed down. H's friend came over to do accounts with him - he did not know it was my birthday. They then went out and did not come back until well after the time h knew that my sister and partner were coming over for birthday cake (which was nice and kind of redeemed the day). So h walked in the room and we had all had cake etc. .. He cooked himself some food and offered the dc some.

He hasn't said a word to me since and neither have I as what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit .

Not sure what my question is really.

All the op wanted was a HUG and for her life partner and Father to her children to utter the two words...Happy Birthday. That and everything else he did that day, is not just 'putting a foot wrong' it's wilful abuse.

HTH Nina

OP, my questions were 'semi' rhetorical. Mostly they were for you to think about the state of your relationship. Please don't feel you owe me or anyone else an answer.

wow, hes treating you with utter contempt.

Lol at partner deliberately being an utter shithead on ops birthday described as putting a foot wrong.

People set the bar really really low, don't they?

Fucking run.

I've got one of those and if I hadn't had a baby last week I'd be out the door.

HELLO
Just a reminder of our talk guidelines, that Mumsnet's here to make lives easier and that what we can ALL do with is some moral support
Peace and love
MNHQ

Hello Olivia

Hello Cap...
Am going to PM you now - check your inbox

Ok MNHQ I'll say this to Nana politely, rather than what I'd like to say: Why don't you try to find a different forum where people value your views and you can converse with like-minded souls? This is clearly not the right place for you because us non-women's-refuge-setting-up nincompoops on here believe that people should not put up with living with constant fear, misery, stress or anxiety caused by their partner. You need to spread your wisdom elsewhere, somewhere where you will be treated with the respect you deserve and stop banging your head against a brick wall, thread after thread

Oh and OP - seriously LTB.

Thanks again for all your messages.

Have got some time now to answer various questions and get my thoughts straight.

What happens with birthdays is that I do everything for the kids' birthdays and used to do something for his in terms of a gift but that was a long time ago as I became resentful of his doing nothing for mine so have for a long time just been making him a cake on his birthday. The annoying thing about my birthday is that not only does he do nothing, I also end up making my own cake! I cried two years ago on my birthday but last year was a little better as I kind of organised things that he came to as well - and one of them was breakfast in a cafe (I think that's when he decided that it was a "poncy" thing to do with "fake I am so great people" around and that he wasn't going to do it again) - so though he didn't give me anything or anything like that, he was at least involved in a group thing and did actually make an effort to get back from where he had been working the day before, so that he could make that morning (probably because he knew I would create a fuss otherwise).

In his defense (but not actually defense iyswim), he must feel a lot of pressure around the time of my birthday - because of the atmosphere which he probably feels I create through "wanting things"...

The other thing he did on Sunday morning, was start cooking here at home, and offering the dc food - really heavy cooked food which is what he normally does for breakfast. He offered me some too so he was not being excluding at all, but I asked him why he was making so much food for everyone when he knew I wanted to go out? That was before the massive argument erupted but he could sense the accusation and hurt in my voice and he is incredibly sensitive to being judged and criticised(but has no problem judging and criticising others ) so he would have been on the defensive from that point. He is incredibly defensive and very very stubborn. So if he has decided something, he does not usually back down. So when I did eventually start really complaining and saying what I had wanted (after he was really scathing about the cafe and saying that he was not going to come), he erupted and told me to fuck off etc... He does not know how to regulate his emotions or how to express them in an articulate and sensitive manner so it all comes out in a big temper tantrum designed to hurt and to shut the other person up.

It is his family culture which is not into birthdays rather than his culture culture (where in fact they do celebrate birthdays because when we visited his country of origin, there were several parties for several of his extended family members). He does not do gifts generally - either at Xmas or at Birthdays though this Xmas he did give my sister and I both the same gift.

He is a very very defended person and I don't think he likes doing anything which makes him vulnerable and I suppose giving someone a gift does that as you run the risk that they are not going to like it and you have kind of exposed yourself.

But yes what he said to me on Sunday and the way he said it is really horrible and I kind of feel as if actually there is no going back really - not unless he were to say sorry but he never does. There have been long periods during which he has not spoken to me in the past but after a massive crisis last spring (during which I went to see a solicitor as things were that bad), things had improved quite a lot. By improved I mean there might be the odd day of not talking but generally it was knocked on the head quickly, and though we have not been emotionally close, we have been fairly companionable and getting on ok. He has a temper which comes out verbally sometimes, but that has been ok too or better / manageable. I feel I may have to stand my ground at any moment, but generally, there have been more rubbing along ok times than not.

Now of course he is completely not talking to me and neither am I talking to him as I literally cannot bring myself to look at him. However when I got back from where I went this evening and saw him being all loving towards the dc, I felt like an excluded outcast. However do I want to just start talking to him again without even mentioning what happened - which is was usually happens, nothing is ever talked about, normal life just eventually resumes.

His good points are that he works very hard and is generally responsible about keeping us all afloat. He is under a lot of stress workwise (not saying that's a good point!). He often cooks for all of us (me included) and is often loving towards the kids and we have a laugh about them and the things they have done / said. We haven't been very close for a long time however, and the crisis last year, though we kind of "got over it" was never really dealt with either. I imagine that in our heart of hearts both of us know that we would be better off apart, but when things are companionable, it is quite cosy in the house with our dc...

I feel a sense of shame at the way he spoke to me on Sunday, as if that is all I am deserving of and it is kind of my fault. I feel as if he was really telling me to actually fuck off so maybe that's what we should both arrange? Except that our dc are almost 10, 12 and 14 and the thought of being apart from them some of the time is terrifying. The thought of it makes my stomach go jittery and almost makes me feel sick. It was the same last year - when i went to the solicitor and he said that they are approaching an age where they can decide who they want to spend most of their time living with . That's very frightening and traumatic.

Several people said that he is self-absorbed and he really is. Someone asked how he is when things go well for me and I suppose the thing which springs to mind is that he is a workaholic who is always involved in his work - out during the day and on his laptop every evening - for hours. Even if what he is doing is designing someone else's website as a favour. He was noticeably absent when dd2 was born as he got involved in a building project almost as soon as she arrived (in another time so he was away for days at a time) and I did feel then that he wanted to be master of his own drama rather than a bit player in what was mine at the time (having just given birth at the time). When it gets closer to the dcs' birthdays he jokes endlessly asking how many presents is he going to get . When my son gave me a drawing on Sunday (before the argument) he was saying that he wanted it. Almost as if he did not understand that ds had given it to me for my birthday .

Someone asked whether there was abuse in his original family, and though I do not know much about it as no one talks about it, his father was an alcoholic who left the family home when d was about 15. I have heard that he had a temper and was not nice to the girls especially, but h never talks about him and if he does, he does it more in terms of regretting not seeing him more after he left the family home, whereas I have heard his younger sister (who was only about 3 when he left) say how horrible he was etc...

OP, what did your sister and her partner think of the situation? Did you tell them what he had said?

I did tell my sister and I think she told her partner some of it. My sister thought h was cruel but is used to this kind of thing happening or how difficult it has been between us. Not sure what her partner thought but he also knows h can be difficult and in any case he was there with her so would have followed her cue. He brought be a plant and a small bunch of flowers and I think it's a bit weird that it is my sister's partner (as well as my sister of course) who made the day better rather than my partner! We had cake a played a board game - the latter was a bit tedious but it was being together in that Christmas day kind of way which was nice.

Whats the point in craving and seeking love care and attention from a man who's shown you its not about that with you, anyway

When things are this bad it's time for a serious talk, he must know he is being hurtful, if he has that much anger towards you then he'd be better leaving you alone, nit picking and point scoring are signs of perhaps the relationship being over but nobody having the guts or awareness to actually end it officially.

Agree with all of the above and a lot of the many things you have all said. There was another post which really stuck out - am trying to find it.

He sounds intolerable OP.

on this evidence i wonder why one or other of you hasn't started the process of splitting up. He's horrible, nobody that was happy would act the way he's acting. Are you depressed? Just wondering why haven't already taken steps to get him out of your life, it sounds as though you do have a few other nice people in your life that care about you at least, he seems to be goading you into doing something, very nasty

this is not it - but I too sometimes wonder why h does not split up with me - I think he just thinks that mainly he wants to spend time with the dc and he is happy with that.

Yes - have found the post which really resonated:

Your DH doesn't care about your feelings and actively belittles you. He turns your happy day into a nightmare because he resents you being the centre of attention when in his mind the world revolves around him and you are there to meet his needs. I can't imagine that the problems just relate to birthdays. I expect that he doesn't see you as an equal and doesn't respect your feelings the rest of the time.

^this - with bells on... Especially the part about "in his mind the world revolves around him and you are there to meet his needs"

(Sorry, noticed a lot of typos, mistakes and repetitions in my really long ramblings!).

He is intolerable some of the time Offred but not always. It's really difficult to know what to do for the best and how to do it.

Would like someone to do it all for me ...

No-one is intolerable absolutely all the time. Being intolerable some of the time is enough.

He's not going to change, all you can do is decide how much you can take.

It's helpful to know that post resonated, sotired. It also ties in with I did feel then that he wanted to be master of his own drama rather than a bit player in what was mine at the time (having just given birth. I think you have it.

You've also found the answer to "I sometimes wonder why he does not split up with me". The world revolves around him and you are there to meet his needs. You're a service provider.

This sounds soul-destroying long term, my love. It's also not helping your DC. Yours is their model relationship. They learn from it how women are treated, what to expect from a partner, and how much shit to take.

I like what somebody said upthread: Get your ducks in a row, because you will be splitting up. Some of those 'ducks' are the good people in your life: tell them your truths now, so they'll gather around you when needed.

I honestly don't think I'd want to stay living in a situation like yours. There is just too much happiness waiting out there in the world for me to stay where I'm unhappy. I don't want to feel that I have to spend the rest of my life being less deserving than my partner. Less happy, afraid to be the centre of attention when deserve to be, worried that I may 'overshadow' him and make him resentful, worried that I wasn't revolving around him and his needs 'enough'. That's no life. And it's no marriage. Honestly, I'd rather be alone and happy in my little world than be with someone in his world, one that disregards me.

Time for an escape plan OP?

If that little scene of you and your youngest daughter standing in the kitchen on your birthday while your husband told you to fuck of and took the piss out of you is a good snapshot of your family life in general, it's miserable. It's not good enough for you, or for your children.

And next birthday, you can spoil yourself rotten all day!

No advice sorry, just wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday

I think you've tried to sort it out. It hasn't worked. Start separating. See a solicitor. Get your paperwork in order. Work out what you want and what you can live with.

It sounds unlikely that 50/50 would work for him. And honestly some time for yourself will be welcome. And being alone will be better than this I promise.

I totally understand it´s very easy for anonymous posters advising you to leave, and that with 3 kids this is far less straightforward than if you´d been on your own with him. I realise you need to think practically and about the logistics. Then there´s the whole ¨splitting up the family¨ thing....

People are advising LTB cos we´re trying to put ourselves in your position, obv some posters will have been in your position and can empathise more accurately and understand it´s not as simple as just upping and leaving.

But personally speaking, I couldn´t carry on like this if I were in your shoes. My mental health would take a battering and I don´t think any relationship ( or man ) is worth it if you´re health is suffering. Why be a martyr just because your a mother? Why is it the woman in these situations feels they have to sacrifice so much of themselves? You are just as derserving as a happy life and future as the next woman, who may or may not have kids.

I wouldn´t be able to settle for this lack of quality of life. He shows the kids love but you none? That´s cos he´s blatently demonstrating that he doesn´t love you. You don´t have a normal, healthy, well-functioning relationship and you´re trying to keep the whole thing afloat by bending over backwards and putting up with behaviour that you wouldn´t put up with from anyone else, i.e friend, colleague, neighbour etc.

I hope you gather the strength to put plans together to leave, or have him leave. How much more misery and disappointment will you take?

Thank you for your further messages which I am going to respond to - in the meantime I don't know if any of you are into tarot? I am not particularly but idly look at stuff on the Internet and so get emailed cards sometimes and have just been emailed this one which is surprisingly accurate . If you don't want to read the whole thing I have highlighted the conclusion at the bottom :

-----------------

You arrive at the path of a perilous balance...

The Twos represent where you're at with your relationship path.

The Two of Swords reflects a conflict of opposing viewpoints that cannot be resolved peacefully, so no matter what the decision, trouble will ensue. Thus it is easier to temporarily ignore the problem than to deal with the impending repercussions from making a decision.

The Minor Arcana represents your choices and actions throughout the realization of your destiny. The Swords usually indicate a struggle or conflict, or a possible decision that you'll need to make about separating from past attachments. There is a strong desire to find the truth that will shed light on your situation, so you'll act on it and find closure.

Orestes, First Step on a Difficult Journey

While preparing to invade Troy by sea, King Agamemnon offended the goddess Hecate (Artemis) with his arrogance, so Hecate calmed the winds so his ships couldn't sail. To appease the goddess so she would restore the winds, Agamemnon agreed to sacrifice his eldest daughter (Iphigenia) since he desired the glory of leading his ships to Troy. Agamemnon lied to Clytemnestra (his wife) about their daughter's whereabouts, but she discovered the truth.

The Mythic Two of Swords indicates the dilemma faced by Orestes because of his parent's actions. Queen Clytemnestra was extremely angry with the king for sacrificing their daughter. King Agamemnon tried to defend himself for what he had to do, but Clytemnestra was livid and unforgiving! Orestes stands between his parents with his eyes closed and his ears covered to shut out the argument! He does not want to choose sides, knowing whatever the choice, he will feel conflicted.

Orestes was thinking: "I just want to retreat to my own island and be alone. My mind is cluttered with thought and I cannot shut out the noise!"

My Interpretation of the Two of Swords

The Swords represent your mental outlook (communication, thought). Swords have strength, authority, courage, and ambition. Sword Archetypes seek the truth and aren't afraid to call a "Spade a Spade"! They experience conflict, pain, anger and aggression. They mentally wrestle with unresolved issues, but when they're ready they'll cut right through the situation. The outcome is usually shocking and sudden!

An Archetype dressed in white stands between a woman on his right and a man on his left who are having an argument. He covers his ears with both hands not wanting to be swayed by the view of either participant. He does not want to take sides and make a decision. The Archetype is thinking, "I am in a stalemate situation. Right now, I only want to be alone and isolated from all the people in my life."

This card indicates that the Archetype is going through a mental struggle or conflict and trying to find the truth that will shed light on the situation and result in resolution.

The dark blue sky (thought, emotion, communication) is full of storm clouds (unresolved issues). The mountains in the background represent the Archetype's future goals. The dusting of snow on the mountains represents harsh winter conditions, and the difficulties of the Archetype — the storm hovering in his thoughts.

The two swords crossing each other represent a crossroads, or an unresolved situation.

The Positive Position might indicate a positive or negative result, depending on what you desire. You need to feel that both parties in a relationship are equally committed and treated as equals by each other. When you're feeling that you're not being treated fairly and with respect, it may be time to bring the relationship-partnership back into balance. You're stuck at a crossroads and need to make a heartfelt decision about the direction to take this relationship. This will require you and your partner to open communications to find the correct balance to restore the relationship to equal footing. Nothing changes without effort and you can't remain in a stalemate situation.

The Negative Position might indicate a positive or negative result, depending on what you desire. This position indicates that the situation becomes worse, and there is a slim chance to balance the relationship. You've made a heartfelt decision to separate from your attachment. You realize that despite all your hard efforts, nothing has changed for the better. You'll accept the ending to this partnership and make the sacrifices you need to make.

Timing is within 2 hours, 2 days, months, or the winter season. ()

Please make the birthday you just had the last miserable birthday! This time next year be on your own but happy!

Good luck X