Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Told to fuck off on my birthday

185 replies

sotiredofthis1 · 19/01/2016 15:12

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up. This has caused quite a lot of resentment and upset on my part in the past but I thought I was over it.

On Sunday morning I woke up tense wondering if h would give me a hug / say happy birthday but he didn't. He then was really scathing (once we were downstairs) about cafes (I had told him I wanted all of us to go out for brunch) and said he was not going to come. So I kind of erupted at that point saying all I had wanted was a hug and a happy birthday.... and for all of us to go to the cafe. So he told me to fuck off twice in front of our youngest dd and then mimicked me saying "daddy get me a pony because I deserve it" (not that I have ever said that and I have just turned 47 ffs) several times. I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it. He said it was all about making him feel bad and I said impossible because all he does is think about himself.

I then went out in tears and my neighbour took me out for breakfast on my own. I came back home and had calmed down. H's friend came over to do accounts with him - he did not know it was my birthday. They then went out and did not come back until well after the time h knew that my sister and partner were coming over for birthday cake (which was nice and kind of redeemed the day). So h walked in the room and we had all had cake etc. .. He cooked himself some food and offered the dc some.

He hasn't said a word to me since and neither have I as what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit Confused.

Not sure what my question is really.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 19/01/2016 16:54

on this evidence i wonder why one or other of you hasn't started the process of splitting up. He's horrible, nobody that was happy would act the way he's acting. Are you depressed? Just wondering why haven't already taken steps to get him out of your life, it sounds as though you do have a few other nice people in your life that care about you at least, he seems to be goading you into doing something, very nasty.

Mrskeats · 19/01/2016 16:54

Unbelievable behaviour and no way should you put up with it at all.
He doesn't care and presumably thinks you will just put up with it. What did your sister say when she came over and he wasn't there? Embarrassing I think
Get rid of him he's abusive

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2016 16:54

Another thing to think about; Is his refusal to celebrate your birthday just another way to make it all about him? Does he resent it when you are the center of attention for any reason? How was he when your children were born? When you've received attention for anything, a work award, weight loss, any personal accomplishment?

Original poster
sotiredofthis1 · 19/01/2016 16:55

Hi am still here and reading. Lots of questions to answer and stuff to write so will write later as will have more time then.

Thanks for all the Happy Birthdays Smile.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 19/01/2016 16:56

Sounds like you have some nice people around you who do care about you and celebrating your birthday. On the other hand you are married to an arsehole who gets off on purposely and constructively making you feel like shit. Id leave him, personally. If you look closely you can catch them smirking when they make you cry. You surely don't want to go into your elder years with this jerk? Imagine when your DCs grow and leave home after spending all their formative years witnessing him treating you & speaking to you like shit, how inspirational for them and their future relationships

He'll no doubt act up when you do kick him out but better that than put up with him for years to come. Honestly, do yourself a favour and get rid. You'll get no thanks for staying. Time goes quicker than you think and you're on the road to a lifetime of regret ending up stuck in your old age with a man who doesn't value you and will bring you no peace. & just imagine all the years leading up to then..

Mind you Id have pre-planned a lovely day out in the 1st place and left him to it. Whats the point in craving and seeking love care and attention from a man who's shown you its not about thatwith you, anyway

Original poster
sotiredofthis1 · 19/01/2016 16:56

(And thanks for all your thoughts).

OP posts:
donajimena · 19/01/2016 16:57

nananina you must have EXCEPTIONALLY low standards.

NanaNina · 19/01/2016 16:58

expat in Scotland - I didn't make any comment about the OP's H's behaviour. I merely asked if any of you have DH/DPs who never put a foot wrong?

The OP hasn't returned. The last time I was on a thread like this with everyone piling in to LTB, the OP was PMing me to say how upset she was at all the posts because she had made her decision and didn't want to take the course of action that she was being told to do. That's another thing, I don't get how angry some posters get about an H or P and their tone to the OP is hectoring, and they become insistent that she should do this that or the next thing.

Or are you all posters who have had abusive Hs or Ps and are projecting.

Offred · 19/01/2016 17:00

This is really nasty and childish behaviour from him and in front of your DD too.

I grew up in a house with a dad who behaves like this and a mum who tries to laugh it off and say she isn't upset. It has hugely damaged me.

Apart from anything else there doesn't seem to be any love or affection in your relationship, just anger and resentment. How long can you live like this without being damaged yourself?

kittybiscuits · 19/01/2016 17:01
Hmm
NanaNina · 19/01/2016 17:01

dona you know absolutely nothing about my relationship. But still no one is answering my Q about your DH/DPs or exes maybe? Oh OP has returned. Can I ask if you will be leaving the bastard?

notapizzaeater · 19/01/2016 17:02

I too had a spoil sport DH who managed to Pick a fight on every "happy" occasion, Xmas, birthdays, Easter etc every year, took me a few years to make the connection. He was abusive. Took me another couple of years to pluck up courage before I left. I now celebrate these with my better model DH !!

kittybiscuits · 19/01/2016 17:02

That wasn't to you Offred

Offred · 19/01/2016 17:02

Well done nana, have a 'keeping people in crap relationships' medal.

That last thread you were encouraging the op in question to stay with a violent partner don't forget.

Thinking people should be gentler is one thing, feeding someone's fears that are allowing them to be abused is another.

NanaNina · 19/01/2016 17:03

Offred I understand now where you're coming from and your projection is understandable to some extent.

kittybiscuits · 19/01/2016 17:04

I hope you are not going to attempt to derail yet another thread NannaNina

Cloudhowe63 · 19/01/2016 17:05

Hi sotired! Your name rings a bell. Have you posted about him treating you with contempt before?
It really doesn't matter that birthdays are not important to his birth family. They are important to you and, as your H, he should care enough to acknowledge this - and certainly not use it as another opportunity to hurt and belittle you. He sounds cruel.

Offred · 19/01/2016 17:07

FFS, experience is not always projection... Don't be so passive aggressive.

On the other thread you actually advised the op that he wouldn't necessarily hit her again and you have a consistent posting history which encourages women to stay in abusive situations, loads of criticism of the idea of leaving being suggested, loads of switching the attention to you and not the OP's issue...

That's what people judge you on.

mum2mum99 · 19/01/2016 17:08

NanaNina the few lines gives a clear picture that the husband is being unbelievably abusive. Check it yourself, they ok amount of abusive behaviour to be tolerated is 0. But maybe you have an enourmously high tolerance to abuse and you think she should give her DH a chance Shock
If many had followed your enlightening advice they would still be in an abusive relationship.
sotiredofthis1 not only he is treating like a piece of sh** but he is also modelling to the DCs how to treat you Angry

Motherinlawsdung · 19/01/2016 17:10

That's really sad OP. My DH has always been a bit useless with birthdays because, like yours, he didn't have it as part of his family tradition growing up (I think little fuss was made). But he does TRY, and if he does forget or get it wrong he will apologise and try to make amends. Your H doesn't seem to have any respect for you as a person let along as a wife/life partner. In fact he seems to like humiliating you. I'd get rid of him, you will be much happier.
Happy belated birthday. I hope your next birthday is much much better.

MistressDeeCee · 19/01/2016 17:10

NanaNina it wouldnt matter if posters are projecting or not. If you can read the original post in terms of how this woman was treated, how she was spoken to in front of the children, and the calculated unkindness of this man in ensuring she felt like shit on a day she wanted to feel special (those nasty attitudes dont come out of the blue its a pattern) then yeah, your standards are so low as to be almost invisible.

& if some people are feeling uncomfortable reading post due to it recalling similar unpleasant treatment then you calling them out doesn't change OPs position and makes you sound as if you (probably purposely) lack sense and empathy

Yes people have DHs who aren't perfect BUT not being perfect doesn't mean he pulls unkind shit like this. There are levels

Unless its the old "being treated like shit is cool as long as you have the man" thing (yawn...... )

Stormtreader · 19/01/2016 17:10

Some questions to consider are
What would it have cost them?
What did they choose instead, what did they gain?

In order to have made you happy, it would simply have cost him giving you a hug and going out with you for brunch. Does that sound impossibly hard? Is that you asking for a pony?
Instead, he chose to belittle you in front of your DC and then leave you feeling sad on your own on your birthday, returning only to make himself food. Im guessing when you say that he offered the DC some, you actually mean "he didnt offer me any"?

Why would you accept this on any day of your life, never mind your birthday, when him not making you sad would have been so easy for him?

ShhhBeQuiet · 19/01/2016 17:12

it doesn't sound like he likes you Sad

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/01/2016 17:12

DH comes from a culture that doesn't really celebrate birthdays but he does manage to sort out a card and a cake when I told him it matters to me. He wouldn't care if nothing was done for his birthday.

That is because the issue isn't whether or not a person celebrates birthdays themself but more about how much they care about their partner's feelings.

Your DH doesn't care about your feelings and actively belittles you. He turns your happy day into a nightmare because he resents you being the centre of attention when in his mind the world revolves around him and you are there to meet his needs. I can't imagine that the problems just relate to birthdays. I expect that he doesn't see you as an equal and doesn't respect your feelings the rest of the time.

He sounds like a lousy husband.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2016 17:13

'I merely asked if any of you have DH/DPs who never put a foot wrong?'

Why no, I don't think there is anyone who hasn't put a foot wrong. But telling her to fuck off repeatedly in front of the kids, who mocked her in front of the kids, who won't even hug her or say 'Happy Birthday', about who she says 'I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it'.

If she's upset over receiving advice to leave such a person, then MN is probably the wrong place to be just now, because that type of behaviour is completely unacceptable and yes, abusive. He told her to 'fuck off' twice in front of the kids, mocked her and treated her like shit.

He has form for this, according to her.