Told to fuck off on my birthday

[sotiredofthis1]

The context is that h has historically done nothing for my birthday as it is not part of how he was brought up. This has caused quite a lot of resentment and upset on my part in the past but I thought I was over it.

On Sunday morning I woke up tense wondering if h would give me a hug / say happy birthday but he didn't. He then was really scathing (once we were downstairs) about cafes (I had told him I wanted all of us to go out for brunch) and said he was not going to come. So I kind of erupted at that point saying all I had wanted was a hug and a happy birthday.... and for all of us to go to the cafe. So he told me to fuck off twice in front of our youngest dd and then mimicked me saying "daddy get me a pony because I deserve it" (not that I have ever said that and I have just turned 47 ffs) several times. I said that ours was not a relationship because there was no affection or kindness (not just on my birthday but on any day but I suppose a birthday throws it into sharp relief) and that he knew it. He said it was all about making him feel bad and I said impossible because all he does is think about himself.

I then went out in tears and my neighbour took me out for breakfast on my own. I came back home and had calmed down. H's friend came over to do accounts with him - he did not know it was my birthday. They then went out and did not come back until well after the time h knew that my sister and partner were coming over for birthday cake (which was nice and kind of redeemed the day). So h walked in the room and we had all had cake etc. .. He cooked himself some food and offered the dc some.

He hasn't said a word to me since and neither have I as what is there to say to someone who treats you like a piece of shit .

Not sure what my question is really.

you sound as if you have stopped making excuses for him and are accepting the hard reality of the kind of man you have married. You know what mn thinks now you need legal advice and step by step extricate yourself and your cc from the influence of this nasty man.it's vital to respect yourself, espec when the man you live with does not.

why do you think a minimum wage job is your best option?

I am also studying for something that people generally do freelance and that if it takes off, would earn me more than minimum wage stumbletrip (great name is that from "We're going on a bear hunt"?). I don't have a lot of confidence and really wish I had trained properly for something in the past.

Thanks for all your recent messages - have read and thought about them all.

I started talking to h yesterday and predictably I suppose, he was quite aggressive, standoffish and rude. He also accused me of sulking .

I can only assume that either

a. in his personality disordered state he literally has no concept that he has hurt me or how

or

b. at some level he feels shame/inadequacy and can only deal with it by making everything my fault.

It was weird how different he seemed as well. Trying to make contact with him again though of course it will take a few days for him to thaw out now - but his tactics or complete inability to talk about any relationship issue where he might have to admit some fault or grow at all, seem pathetic after being completely cut off from him for 4 days.

He has cut me off, mentally, to the point where he seems completely and utterly aloof. And that is the basis of his personality in a way - he is a loner.

He has a habit of sometimes telling us that he is God when the subject of God or religion comes up. He said this to the dc yesterday (as he is not speaking to me) and whereas in the past it would totally have enraged me, it just came across as the ramblings of an empty shell. He also told them that he is strange so maybe on some level he is admitting what is essentially the fact that he is unable to have an open and emotionally intimate relationship (which would involve making himself vulnerable) with another adult.

Either that or he hates just me .

Anyway I need to get things back on a talking about day to day things track so I will plough on.

The God thing is kind of a joke but isn't really iyswim.

(Am seeing 2 friends today so am happy about that).

It's not a joke. He does hate you. But it really has nothing to do with you. He just needs a vessel for his rage and hatred. He sounds very unstable. How you describe him is absolutely famiiar to me. My ex was like this. I was shocked to learn how charming he was being to other people whilst planting the idea that he was a lovely, lovely bloke in a relationship with a really horrible bitch. He was a complete cunt to me.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY

You have 2 choices

Stay and be unhappy

Leave and be happy

Nobody can make that choice for you

Leaving will be hard

Many people will have left and tell you that it was the best decision that they ever made

Your husband is a twat. How are you even still with him?

You sound like you´re seeing the situation and looking at him more objectively. It seems to me that it´s not even anything personal towards you, in that any woman would be made miserable by him as he is demonstrating how incapable he is of functioning like a normal adult in a relationship.

So I doubt he would ever have a successful relationship with any woman. Did you say he is descended from a foreign family or different culture?

He blatently has MAJOR issues and your evaluation of him above seems pretty accurate I think. I don´t think that it´s as simple as he just hates you, though that is how his warped and fucked up behaviour will manifest. Not only does he seem to have little emotional maturity, but he really does have some major issues but he´s beyond redemption so I wouldn´t hang about thinking he might change if only you behave like or do X, Y or Z.

You shouldn´t have to manage his behaviour or manage your own behaviour around his ill-treatment of you. The guy is fucking toxic! Unless you both decided to split but have seperate rooms and carry on living in the same house ¨for the sake of the kids¨, and you only communicate with him about household/child related stuff, I would def have to leave or have him leave, in your position.

But I think to have ANY expectations of him as a husband on an emotional level is apparently being WAY too optimistic and naive now. He may be able to function in the role of father but his husband role to you is non-existant and I can´t see how that would ever change now.

So it´s time to look to the future on a practical level. Could you live under the same roof as him and be seperated, both of you living seperate lives? Or would it be easier for someone to leave so that you share the kids and live seperately? I would think carrying on as you are is surely the least favourable option.

Do you get on with his parents? Does he have normal, healthy relationships with his friends and family? I´m just wondering if he´s just as intolerable and nasty towards others.

Seems like you would like to separate but as you know there is a lot to sort out. Are you renting or paying a mortgage? Don't know where you live (hope it's not London) but housing costs are horrendously high in most areas of the country.

Would it be any good to talk to H about separating on a calm and rational basis because he doesn't sound like he's happy in the marriage either. I know that may couples now have to live separately under the same roof which must be very difficult. If you have a mortgage could you sell up (if there is a reasonable amount of equity in the property) and you could rent with your share of the equity until you can get a job that would enable you to get on the property ladder.

If you're renting it's more difficult, although you could leave and find a private rent but you will need a month's rent in advance and another month's rent as a deposit, so about 2 grand dependent on where you live. H would have to pay maintenance for you and the children, and if that wasn't enough to cover your costs, you could claim Housing Benefit, and CTC I think. All you could claim would be JSA I think (£70 a week) and they hassle you all the time to get a job - you're supposed to spend 35 hours a week on a computer looking for a job.

As far as the children are concerned the "rule of thumb" in the family courts is that children should be able to enjoy a meaningful relationship with both parents, so that means shared care. If you do separate I hope you can come to an agreement about the children because if not it has to go to the family court and that can drag on for months and the children know that they are being fought over and that's not good. Also there is no legal aid available and so you have to represent yourself.

Is there a CAB near you - if so it might be worth making an appointment.
SHELTER is the best charity for housing advice.

If you want to split;

What benefits you are entitled depends on your circumstances; health, age, size of the family, children's health, children's ages etc CAB can help advise on this.

You would also be entitled to child maintenance and possibly spousal maintenance. You may be able to stay in the family home with the children until the last one turns 18. You need to speak to a solicitor if there are assets to be split.

The guiding principle of family courts is the welfare principle (the welfare of the children) not parent's rights. The court, if you ended up there, would look at the interests of the children and may or may not make an order. They only make an order if they deem it necessary (you can't agree/there is abuse etc). The majority of childcare arrangements are not for 50/50 shared care because this doesn't usually reflect how the couple have organised childcare during the relationship.

You can have childcare arrangements decided during the divorce if necessary and this is not quite the same as being sued by an ex for access. Whatever is in the best interests of the children is what you should be guided by, not the idea that shared 50/50 care is always the best thing and what will be ordered.

If you read the Lundy book there is a very good chapter on how abusive men will often use court processes as a way of continuing the abuse - this doesn't mean they are successful.

But I think practicalities of separating may be a bit in the future. I think you need to get your head around this situation fully first.

You forgot option C; He's a right prick and he's punishing you. He knows exactly what he's doing and he's showing you that he IS 'God' in your relationship.

I'll take option C.

Frankly, I'd probably be quite happy with the 'silent treatment'. If he's ignoring me at least he's not verbally abusing me.

You do have some power in this situation, you know. The power to end the marriage. Or not. The decision is yours.

It's more normal here for 2 months deposit and a month in advance plus fees. Renting does require a lot of upfront expense but I think you're best off getting legal advice as you may disadvantage yourself by moving out.

What a rude post Toomuchchocolate - would you please point out the post when I have said stay no matter what" - I don't think you'll find it because I've never said that or thought that. AS for "if anyone disagrees with me, I'll turn it on them, de-rail the thread and offer nothing helpful to the OP at all" - The only* thing I asked was whether you all had loving caring husbands who never put a foot wrong - you all jumped to the conclusion that I was saying the man in question had "never put a foot wrong" which was not the case. I made no comment whatsoever about his behaviour.

Not sure what you mean by "if anyone disagrees with me I'll turn it on them" - that's everyone on the thread and it's all of you who have turned it on me. As for de-railing the thread it's now on Page 7 so where's your evidence. As for not helping the OP - you might like to read my post on this page (Friday 22nd Jan - 14.37 pm) where I am attempting to help with the practical matters.

As for this from your post today

Nana, you appear to think that marriage is such a sanctity and must be preserved at all costs, even the cost of a woman's health, dignity, pride, self esteem, and possibly even life since you choose to encourage people to stay with violent abusive partners. You are wrong. We keep saying it and she/he keeps popping up again and again on every thread she/he can to defend hideous men behaving atrociously to their wives/partners. Wish I could just ignore but she/he is an abuse apologist and it should be pointed out. It's got NOTHING to do with our relationships with our partners - it's about giving advice, support and solidarity to each OP who comes here looking for some help with her particular situation. You forget there is a real person involved in your crusade to defend the indefensible.

Again I would ask you to provide evidence of your first sentence. It is utter nonsense and if you're going to make such allegations you need to provide evidence - you can't just write lies about me with impunity. I have never encouraged people to stay with violent partners - again please provide the post to support this allegation. You talk of the fact that I "keep popping up" - I have the right to post when I wish but again where is the evidence that I defend hideous men behaving atrociously to their

You won't find the evidence because it isn't there to find. You are telling lies as others have done on this and other threads. And what's all this "we" - speak for yourself. I'm sure posters are more than willing to express themselves in their own posts.

You are a million miles away from my views on violence in relationships. At the risk of posters saying they aren't interested in my CV I have been involved with Women's Aid since 1979 - so how can I possibly hold the views you ascribe to me.

He sounds very peculiar OP. How are you today?

He has a habit of sometimes telling us that he is God when the subject of God or religion comes up.

I hadn't thought about this for 30-odd years, but my dad used to do that. He was a deeply disturbed and abusive man - to my mum and to us kids.

How are things today OP? Is he still not talking?

Thank you MNHQ for deleting that rude post Toomuchchocolte wrote.

Mine, too, pocket. I have thought about it since, as it's come up in therapy a few times. It's definitely not something I would advise shrugging off - it's not so much a red flag as a whole fleet of emergency vehicles going full speed with sirens and lights on!

Relieved to see your detachment coming along well, sotired. You're correct, you are witnessing "the ramblings of an empty shell".

I'm a little worried that he's both doing the God thing and telling your children he is strange. Does he seem to be getting 'worse' to you or perhaps uneasy, nervous? If he's about to tip over some psychological edge or other, you could be in for a bumpy ride. Even if he manufactures his crisis.

You said:
in his personality disordered state he literally has no concept that he has hurt me or how ... or ... at some level he feels shame/inadequacy and can only deal with it by making everything my fault.

It's sounding more and more like he does have a serious psychiatric condition of some sort, in which case both the above would likely be true.

I think you're doing the right things but you might need to elevate self-protection somewhat. Generally speaking, safety advice would include having an emergency plan and trying to stabilise the home situation by, basically, being very boring & bland. This is also helpful with your detachment: once you can observe the behaviours and remark on them in your head (and here!) you're in a good position to start extricating yourself.

Good to hear you had a day with friends :) What do they think of him?

I am struggling a little but away with one if the dc so have breathing space. H still not talking but I am trying to repair things as I can't function like this.

The main problem is that we are unable to talk about anything contentious as it just causes arguments. So without this skill we cannot iron out any problems or tell each other what we need from the other or things we find hurtful... I think H for example thinks I don't pull my weight and some of his anger comes from that.... There is a lot of mutual resentment between us but since we can't discuss it it never dissipates. I hope to God he hasn't found this thread as he would consider it a betrayal when really I needed support as I felt so distraught.

I'm not sure you can iron things out with someone whose mentality is inflexible. Does he actually care about what you need from him?

I'm sorry you feel so distraught and unheard.

Are you somewhere comfortable with DC? Can you do something nice tomorrow, preferably involving fresh air? Clear your head a bit.

He might just want out of our relationship but then he should just tell me. Feel bad having called him an empty shell as clearly he struggles with a lot of stuff and has not had an easy life. However we do need to get back on an even keel and at this point he always seems unable to end his own silence without some kind of push from me so that is what I am trying to do....

I don't know anything anymore, or understand h. I just know I need to feel better to be able to get back to leading my own life properly because at the moment I feel awful and can't function properly.

Yes we are comfortable thank you - staying with family. Will walk to the supermarket tomorrow and get some air then .

sotired What do your family make of all this? What are they advising you to do? Have they usually gotten on with him OK?

It must be awful for your friends and family seeing you so stressed and unhappy like this! I´m just trying to think if you were my best friend, what would I be advising she do.....

If you were my best friend and I knew everything I would want you to leave. Or get rid of him. But either way, to split so you can at least be free, to be my usual happy pal again who enjoys her life and is optimistic about the future.

If somebody is terribly unhappy then you naturally want them to get rid of the source of that unhappiness. And I would support you in whatever way I could in getting free of this millstone round your neck, your husband.

However, I totally realise there´s a whole load of practicalities to be considered. It´s never straight forward, esp where there´s kids involved. But it´s doable. Look at how many women leave abusive or unhealthy relationships....

Don´t wait for him to say he wants to split, why don´t you instigate change? Empower yourself and take control, why not??

I hope you´re talking over these things and getting some real life support. People who actually know you, your husband and your life are a lot better placed to see the bigger picture and advise accordingly than strangers on the ´ńet but at least this is a safe place for you to come and get virtual support. I think people in real life that are close to you would understand the complexities better....

But I really do wish you´d LTB.

I'm not saying to go or stay with this suggestion. But have you ever asked him to go to couple's counseling? Sometimes it can save a marriage, other times it brings home to you that you are right to end things. Do you think he would go? Before you ask him, just be sure of what you want to accomplish by it. And recognize that in abusive situations, counseling usually doesn't do a damn bit of good, other than perhaps to make one realized that they are being abused. Counseling saved my marriage, but when my BFF and her husband went at her request to try and save theirs, the counselor told her in a private session to pack up and get the hell out.

As far as him acting like such a shit because he wants out, that's a real possibility. Some men think that if they drive their wives to leave that they'll end up having to pay out less in settlement because 'she's the one who left'. Or they don't want to be seen to be 'to blame'.

Is there anyone you can talk to in RL? You don't have to tell everyone everything. Just one person who can listen and keep your secrets.