I'm a Fucking idiot

[usedagain]

For five fucking years I have supported my "partner" trying to run his own business, he has earned NOTHING in this time. I am in debt now +++ and the cunt tells me that he "thinks the distribution of finances is fair" . I pay all the bills , every single fucking thing for him including my own fucking birthday presents and he thinks this is FAIR.?.

I have been so so so stupid and used.

And now he won't fucking leave MY house.

Well he saying all the right words isn't he. Doing nothing but saying the right words.

It's going to take far longer then 2 weeks for him to even prove that he can earn enough for himself and all his living costs.

He managed for years to get women to pay all his needs, and he will soon find another to do the same.

I am right am I it, that this is indicative of a very deep seated attitudinal issue that is extremely unlikely to change?

I found an email that I sent him in July 2013. It says the exact same things. He admits he kept ignoring me, but to me, saying that shows just eXactly how much thought, car and respect he offered to me....

I am less angry now that it's day - will get some kalms later I think. But I am extremely reflective and the more I think about it, the worse it feels.

You are allowed to change your mind, you know. You've bankrolled him for years and he's got you into massive debt - he has assets you have paid for - why is it your job to house him for a minute more?

I'd just change the lock and tell him he's had his lot. He will have someone else to stay with, and if not, he has the office, doesn't he. He is a big boy, and there are plenty of decent people in far worse situations, not of their own making either.

He won't change, no - why would he? It all works so very much in his favour, and he doesn't have a conscience about it. He has no reason to want to change a mindset that allows him a life of ease at other people's expense, even when he knows they can't actually afford it.

You can change your own attitudes, the ones that meant you didn't feel you deserved better than this. It takes work and wanting to, but yes, you can.

Sorry I meant HIS attitude won't change ....

There is a bit of the " fallacy of sunk costs" drifting in to my thoughts. Then I had the water bill for the year and I'm resolute again. He's not here and I have not heard from him ( I asked him not to contact me as I want to be alone with the kids)

I'm also ringing it hard to know at what point he was taking the piss ? Right from the beginning ? From when I first said I can't afford to do this any more? From last July when I put my foot down and started refusing to pay the office rent (which led to major manipulative behaviour) When would a woman with good boundaries and a healthy self esteem have kicked him out .. . Before now, I know that - but what would be your boundary line in a committed relationship ? How much would you "help" your DH / DP financially ?..

"Finding" not " ringing" ....

There was a maxim in the old Soviet Union: "from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs". (Probably not a direct quote, but you geddit ).

The devil is in the details, of course. A family unit has to agree on level of "needs" - some leisure and joy should be in there.

But abilities are a bit more clear-cut: he's been able to lighten your family's load for five years now, either financially or practically or both, and has chosen not to.

Sorry, no point in trying to ask questions of "when should I", "how do I justify", "where is the limit". He was also your bf & companion, for good or for bad. he provided company & obviously had some positive traits.
Its like any relationship, client/customer, parent/child, husband/wife. There is always a rationalisation of s/he is trying, s/he will try, this won't happen again, what if, & where do I cut my losses.
I really think you must not look back. YOU MUST however stick by your guns. You cannot afford to continue, he has done NOTHING since July to try & bring in an income. not even walk the dog..
You should not agonise over when you should have had boundaries. You have now awakened, & you can congratulate yourself that this year, you can start afresh, getting your life back in control, & not be taken for a ride.

also, just the realisation, that you are now going to have to work for 3 years to pay off the debt he has incurred, should be enough to efface any longing or regret. You believed in him. You were the nicer person, He failed. move on.

There was this guy "Michael" I had convinced myself he was the love of my life, he just needed time I thought, things started going well, he was spending more time with me, I introduced him to my kids, he spent a few nights here, then one day he asked if he could move in, I thought I would've been overjoyed but something was bothering me, and when he said, "as I work in London and you live in Birmingham, I won't be living with you full-time instead of splitting things 50/50 I will instead buy you weekly groceries but you're not allowed to shop at Waitrose" I told him he could take his weekly contributions and shove them where the sun don't shine. We limped on for a few weeks and then I ended things.

Not the response he was expecting, but I was not prepared to receive scraps, I want it all or nothing! I'm not afraid to get up and leave the table when mutual love & respect are no longer served. I am also not afraid of eating alone!

Were you grateful that a man wanted you enough to take on you and your 4 children? Why did it take so long for you to see his true colours?

I think that 'when' or 'why' doesn't matter. All that matters is that now you no longer want to do this. That's all you need. Whether or not he set out to live off of you or whether at some point he decided to do so is irrelevant. We can only deal with right now, the past is gone. His 'reason' don't matter.

You had some good times. You had some bad times. As of now the bad times greatly outweigh any possible good times. That's reason enough.

doesn't, not don't, matter!

Thank you, I'm trying to get a sense of what "ms normal" might have done. Maybe that's mad . Actually I think i have conditioned myself over son any years to think that what I feel doesn't matter - that I rationalise everything - EVERYTHING

I allowed my ex husband to stay for far far longer than was reasonable before I ended out marriage. The basic unreasonable behaviour petition made his parents wince ( and I left out the worst )

I am soft and loving - I like this kindness I have . It makes me good at my role in my business - but I am also weak, gullible and vulnerable.

I think I need some counselling. Trouble is I now can't afford it .

Off to see best best friend - with a bottle of champagne ( I was given) and a card to say thanks for her support when her own husband is so ill

I know what you mean. I was raised to be trusting and kind, to give the benefit of the doubt and always believe the best. DH (with some reason) calls me naive and too trusting. He was raised to be more suspicious, to make someone earn his trust first. But I like living 'in the positive' and not 'in the negative', iyswim.

But at the same time, I can see the need to have a sense of self-protection, a bit (but not too much) of 'what's in it for me?'. I'm the first one to admit I'm not always the best at that! People have left me bewildered by their actions more than I care to think! It's hard to understand why someone would return kindness with hurt, generosity with dishonesty.

But as I've gotten older and wiser, I'm more able to understand that my happiness is important, too. And more able to define what I want in my life and whether or not another person, as they are, is contributing in a positive way to that. And that if they can't or don't, that it's OK to put them out of my life even if I have to be 'unkind' to do so.

"Christ what a fool I have been"

Don't beat yourself up to much. Your just perhaps a kind person who has been seriously abused and then some.

I think you've done as much as you can for now but even if money is tight get some legal advice to make certain that you have covered all aspects of the matters and that there nothing hidden somewhere that could trip you up like he hasn't forged anything in your name.

Can you say was he trading as i.e. self employed or had he got a company set up?.

Other than that I salute you for your strength in dealing with it all!.

Well done!

OP, could you talk to Relate? I realise they are known for relationship counselling but I see they have a separation and divorce section on their website:

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/separation-and-divorce-common-problems

Unfortunately, I don't know if a Ms Normal exists. We are all vulnerable in different ways. Even the most wary person can be taken in. He sounds like a master manipulator.

Tried relate, mixed results and opinions but i don't think the OP really wants to get on with him again, does anyone?.

I want some return on my bloody investement -

What a joke

X

The return on investment is knowledge.

Knowledge that you'll not make the same mistake again, and that your family comes first.

Knowledge too that you are strong and capable. This won't break you. Far from it!

Nothing constructive to add, but I couldn't read and run. No one who reads this would call you a fool. On the contrary - they would see a kind hearted, strong, assertive woman who has reached the end of her tether and is doing something about it!

The only time you've been a mug is now. Get the lazy arsehole out. You have understandably been blinded by love and his promises in the past. So many people do. But the blinkers are off now and you're still letting him stay. Why? At the bare minimum you could give him a couple of days. Say he can sleep there from 10am until 7am and any other times of day he needs to be out. It's not his home. He's treating you like a hotel. I bet you're still doing all the cleaning etc too. Take back the power. Change the bloody locks and get him out. He's had 5 years to get himself sorted. Nobody normal gives a business that long knowing no money is coming in. Get him out.

All this time, he has been getting up at lunchtime, & doing very little else than wait for dinner to be put on the table when you get home, being unpleasant to your children & ignoring that you were digging yourself into the ground. Well rather than give him 2 weeks, you should say,
I want all the equipment that I financed returned, if not I am going to small claims court. (this can be a bluff, but he won't know that)
Your rent/other office costs have been cancelled
the car if it is in his name, is insured by you doubtlessly, you cancel.
his phone/bank card/ ANY access to your money or home is removed.
From this day on, you are doing the same for him as he did for you for 5 years. Nothing
Seems fair to me

When he is with you for this two weeks, where will he physically be in your home? Will he be sharing your bed, around at mealtimes, mixing with your family as if nothing has happened? I am thinking how easily he could worm his way back in with false promises and declarations of love. You sound adamant that it is the end but I still think you are being too generous in letting him stay.

Mix has a good list - step by step

Within a very short time of leaving he will have found his soul mate someone else to pick up the tab, guaranteed.