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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a Fucking idiot

209 replies

usedagain · 30/12/2015 23:56

For five fucking years I have supported my "partner" trying to run his own business, he has earned NOTHING in this time. I am in debt now +++ and the cunt tells me that he "thinks the distribution of finances is fair" . I pay all the bills , every single fucking thing for him including my own fucking birthday presents and he thinks this is FAIR.?.

I have been so so so stupid and used.

And now he won't fucking leave MY house.

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 31/12/2015 01:48

Yeah, get some friends in to repossess the equipment, get it off-premises and sell it.

And you're not an idiot.

Original poster
usedagain · 31/12/2015 01:58

I can sell his phone for £275 - does anyone know if I still have to pay for 'air time' if I pay off the credit agreement ? Which is £300. Contract due to run till next October ...

Changed eBay password, changed computer password ... What else

How can I stop him eating my food ? I can't leave the fridge empty I have 4 teenagers here ...

OP posts:
Original poster
usedagain · 31/12/2015 02:02

I am an idiot. A fucking gullible stupid blind idiotic fool. I loved him so much. I have turned myself inside out for this man,opened my home to him, allowed him to live with me for nothing, cared for him, supported him, believed in him....

And all the tine he's been laughing at his luck in landing such a stupid stupid cash cow woman

I'm so angry right now, I need this to continue because when it fades I will cry for 100 days, and grieve forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
usedagain · 31/12/2015 02:05

The stuff is sadly not at home but at his office - that I pay the rent for ....

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/12/2015 02:08

Where is this equipment? You paid for it, so I'm pretty sure you should be able to prove that it belongs to you. Consequently you can sell it to anyone you like.

Fully expect this to get uglier before it gets better.

Once he's out of your life and has stopped parasiting off you, I daresay you will feel immense relief to replace the anger and despair you are feeling now.

Keep going! It's going to be so worth it.

Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 02:10

Do you actually need to cancel the contract on the phone? Can you use it yourself till it runs out, or give it to one of the teenagers?

Basically you stop him eating your food by chucking him out. And stop paying the rent on his office immediately, of course.

Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 02:10

Is the office lease in your name? If so, you need to give notice immediately.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/12/2015 02:12

How much notice will you have to give the landlord? I'd quietly pop round to that office and retrieve everything you have paid for even if I had to do it when he's asleep in bed. Is there anyone who can give you a hand, anyone who can store this stuff for you while you sell it?

Original poster
usedagain · 31/12/2015 02:20

The office lease is the only thing in his name. I have been transferring the rent plus "living costs" into his bank account, that is easy to stop and what happens to that is not my problem. I don't have a key to the office , although I might be able to get hold of his ... Then I could take the stuff ... It's probably worth about £4 k

I could give the phone to one of the kids - do you know if I can change the number ?

Or I could sell it as I have to pay £300 on his contract anyway ...

If he is not aggressive will the police really come ?

There is shed loads of his stuff here - 1/2 a house full really ...

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 31/12/2015 02:21

The food get locks with keys and give the dc's one.

www.amazon.co.uk/1-X-Fridge-Lock-White/dp/B000QD32MY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451527592&sr=8-1&keywords=fridge+lock+with+key

Bank stuff (I forgot about a card) all cards, credits cards, online banking, isa's, paypal, eBay, sky/virgin, wifi password, any other credit. I would even look at changing the password reminders.
All the phones, not just his. Anything basically that involves money.
All laptops and other electrical passwords changed and the smaller ones hidden.
Computer games hidden.
Anything of value that is small hidden.

I speak from bitter experience. Had money in the account, and he also walked away from a lot of ps3 and xbox games that even know are maintaining their value so hard to replace. His son's psp, and 3ds, mini iPad, laptop (luckily he fucked up and took the cheaper one the kids used which was worthless) money from money boxes that were the kids.. In total around 20k of stuff. Not as much as you guys, but if I had known I would have protected the little things.

Oh and yes change the locks. I couldn't at the time (weird locks that required total change and not cheap) and he took that chance to come in and steal stuff..

If you can, secure the materials you have bought and stash them elsewhere. Then with the back up of mates, tell him to get the fuck out of your house where he can see how fucking fair everything is.
Chances are he will plead. He will cry. He will beg to let him stay. Don't. Get rid of the cock lodger. He will try and tell you he is sorry, that he didn't mean it. It will all be a ploy because the gravy train has finished.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 31/12/2015 02:23

Agreed, you have been an idiot OP but at least now you recognise the error of your ways eh? Your user name implies that this is not the first time, make it the last time. You can't keep repeating the same mistakes and hoping for a different outcome.

Sorry to be harsh, but lets not sugar coat it.

If you can't get the equipment back cut your losses and walk away and learn your lesson (the hard way). Call the police if he won't leave, change the locks and start off 2016 on a clean slate. Good Luck

bloodyteenagers · 31/12/2015 02:24

As for the phone, buying the contract out will depend on the company. Some will want paying until the end. Some will stop it today and accept a couple of months. But it really depends who you are with.

If you give it to the kids, yes you should be able to change the number, the phone company might charge you a small fee to do so.

But if you call them and look at all the options, they should be helpful.

Original poster
usedagain · 31/12/2015 02:33

It's the first time I have been so royally financially screwed.

It will definitely be the last

The only reason this came to a head is because I CANNOT continue to pay him or I will lose my house.... That's when he finally agreed to discuss , and when he told me that his meagre fucking contribution to keeping the house ticking over - means that this situation is FAIR,

He does not earn anything - but I pay for a cleaner, a dog walker , a gardener so the lazy fucking cunt can "work"

What a fucking joke

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 31/12/2015 02:37

Blood is boiling for you, OP. I would call the police and ask them what help you can expect if he refuses to leave.

The main thing is, his cash cow days are over.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 31/12/2015 02:40

Go head on, girl! Erase him from your life.

One word of caution regarding the equipment in the office. Be very sure that you have receipts showing that you paid for it and that there is no paper trail showing you 'gave' it to him. You don't want him accusing you of stealing 'his' equipment. If by some chance he bought the equipment using his own credit card or a cheque written on his account (even if you transferred the money to the account or paid the CC bill) you could find yourself accused of theft.

Honestly, I'd change the locks on your place ASAP and without warning while he's at work. Pack his shit up and have it delivered to his office. That's all the 'warning' he'd get from me!

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 31/12/2015 02:48

Find a safe place for all paperwork and valuables/jewellery. Friend's/parents' house or a small storage unit where the equipment you bought him could go for now. Bank statements, birth certificates, driving licence, passports, house documents, spare car key, any other spare keys, everything you can think of that could either give him access to any information about you which might enable him to take out a loan/get finance in your name or which is an expensive faff to replace. The receipts for the purchase of his equipment also so that he can't get his hands on them.

Have the police there when you remove him from the house - just in case he gets nasty, then have all the locks changed.

Stop paying the rent on his premises and try to gain possession of the equipment and sell it.

The best way to deal with the phone is to contact the service provider and see the best way to go ahead. Selling the phone might make you enough money to pay off the contract. They might let you pay off a smaller lump sum to finish the contract.

Original poster
usedagain · 31/12/2015 03:26

Aaaaaggggghhhh

I just cannot sleep. Have made several lists - and looked at debt boards. Have looked at monthly outgoings - without his phone and a 25 % reduction in council tax I should be able to save £200 a month - it will all help ....

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 31/12/2015 04:24

Plus the money you'll save on the rent to his office. And his spending money.

NicoleWatterson · 31/12/2015 04:28

I think with the debt your going to need to speak to CAB or step change.
My ending isn't a happy one as my solicitor said 'if they haven't got it, you can't get them to pay'. In other words if he's not got the money, no amount of claims court will get you your money back, it will just cost you in fees.
Getting hold of the equipment quickly, and anything else is key here. Act swiftly, once his money is showing signs of stopping he will become more of an arse.
You will find you save more on food and other bits you didn't even realise.

SongBird16 · 31/12/2015 04:34

I've got a lovely friend who was a SAHM for a long time but has been trying to get an interior design company off the ground for the past few years. I doubt she earns much, if anything, but her DH works full time and pays for everything, including a cleaner and a gardener so she can concentrate on her business.

I would be horrified if her DH resented it and posted here, getting advice like - stop paying for her food, stop her access to the bank account, seize the equipment she needs to run her business.

I can see it's different because OP isn't married, and there are no children involved, and OP is getting into debt trying to keep this setup going, but I still think that some sort of notice period is only fair before the rug is pulled out from under him.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/12/2015 08:29

With respect, a SAHP and a cocklodger are vastly different animals. One has been taking care of the house and children by mutual agreement for years, impacting on their own ability to earn, and is now attempting to break back into the workplace which will of course take time. I bet if your friend's DH said he could no longer afford to subsidise the business they would be able to discuss the way forward like adults. He wouldn't have to safeguard his assets as she wouldn't be after snaffling them.

NicoleWatterson · 31/12/2015 08:33

I also imagine songbird it's money they can afford.
The op is in debt because of supporting him, he's also refusing to contribute to support himself even though he can. Your friend has contributed a lot as a sahp and saved the family a lot of money by being at home.
They are very very different situations

CallieTorres · 31/12/2015 08:43

I get what you are saying SongBird, i dont think anyone here is thinking you are wrong (although i could be wrong...) but there is a world of difference between a SAHP and this guy (from what the OP is saying)

zippey · 31/12/2015 09:01

I agree that a SAHP is not comparable to a cock/fanny lodger. There's plenty of both kicking about.

OP good on you for making the discovery now before any more time has passed. Better fooled for 5 years than fooled for 6 years.

I would say though treat him with respect, give him some notice - a week, and let him collect his stuff. Hold back on any revenge. Best to make a clean break from this idiot than to have him targeting you because you kept his things etc.

You might want to think about a restraining order if things get nasty, as these situations have a way of turning out.

Take back what's yours and thank your lucky stars you were canny/lucky enough not to be married/have children/have a joint mortgage with this person.

allegretto · 31/12/2015 09:03

Once the anger has died down - how do you feel about HIM, OP? Surely there is some reason you were living with him in the first place. I am not saying you are wrong to feel like that, but it seems to have just come out of the blue the way you describe it. You must have realised the business wasn't really working before. What has changed now?