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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a Fucking idiot

209 replies

usedagain · 30/12/2015 23:56

For five fucking years I have supported my "partner" trying to run his own business, he has earned NOTHING in this time. I am in debt now +++ and the cunt tells me that he "thinks the distribution of finances is fair" . I pay all the bills , every single fucking thing for him including my own fucking birthday presents and he thinks this is FAIR.?.

I have been so so so stupid and used.

And now he won't fucking leave MY house.

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 01/01/2016 00:25

Happy New Year.

Don't forget to get your locks changed as a matter of urgency, especially since he hasn't left keys. Even if he had there would be nothing stopping him from getting copies made. All locks to outside doors need changing and if you have a garage that/those doors as well, especially if there's a door through to the house.

You need the peace of mind of not having to worry about him creeping about the house without you knowing

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 01/01/2016 00:30

Can you put a key in the inside lock so he can't open the door?

ohtheholidays · 01/01/2016 00:32

OP he could and he did because he is an abusive fucking waste of space.

I'd stick the locks on any doors and windows and never let him back in.He never deserved and you or your children and he never would Flowers

zippey · 01/01/2016 04:19

Good news OP, sounds like it's a fresh start to the New Year with you.

You called yourself an idiot on this thread. I would look at trying to raise your self esteem, so you don't see yourself in that way, or get hoodwinked by someone trying to take advantage of you again. I really don't think you are an idiot for loving someone, trying to help them up and expecting them to treat you with respect. The fact that your partner didn't have a moral compass is his fault. It's a lesson learned and I'm sorry he took 5 years from you. But at least it wasn't 5 years and a day, good luck!

toastyarmadillo · 01/01/2016 07:14

Well done for chucking that cocklodger out! Now stay strong and don't let him back for any reason.

Learningtoletgo · 01/01/2016 09:26

How old was he OP? He sounds like a sulky teenager!!! You said he has adult kids was he married before and holding down a job?

Well done you for stayang strong and getting him out. Get the locks changed asap just in case.

How are your kids reacting?

Original poster
usedagain · 01/01/2016 11:04

I bloody forgot to get new locks yesterday - I'm going to look today and see if I can get a new front door lock this morning ... That's the only one he has a key to - the other outside doors lock from the inside.
And we don't have .'outside keys' to them because they only go to the garden,
For now the front door is locked from the inside, chain on and key in the lock.

I am exhausted, tearful and disbelieving. I literally Having difficulty accepting that this is real .

OP posts:
TracyBarlow · 01/01/2016 11:13

Well done OP. A very happy, and tranquil, new year to you Flowers

Aspergallus · 01/01/2016 11:20

usedagain I had a husband like this. Right now just deal with the practicalities and promise yourself you'll give yourself time to lick your wounds later.

Go room to room, systematically clearing out his stuff.
Make a pile of paperwork to deal with.
Think through all financial matters and tidy them up as much as possible.
Sell his phone, get out of the contract.
Get ebaying for some extra cash.
Have a look on money supermarket and moneysavingexpert. You might be able to consolidate some debt on to a 0% card.

And please write to Experian (credit ref agency) giving all your addresses\aliases stating that you are not financially connected to him. His financial situation is about to get bad and will drag your credit rating down too if you don't do this. The credit ref agencies share this info so you only need to write to one.

AnotherFuckingReindeer · 01/01/2016 11:20

You are doing great even though it feels so crap right now Flowers

Dowser · 01/01/2016 11:23

I don't understand how how he could treat me so badly when I did so so much for him :-( how he could not even say thank you for so much

Hi Op, sadly I'm afraid there are people who don't see other peoples kindness to them as a gift to be treasured .....but as their right to have whatever is on offer and show them complete disregard.

He's done what he's done because you allowed him too. I once saw an excellent book which said we teach people how to treat us. Some people, if they know they can get away with bad behaviour will milk the situation for all it's worth.

Circumstances have forced you to take control of the situation and his response is to act petulant and angry. In a short period of time I wouldn't be at al surprised if he became mr nice guy. You now know him for what he is so you aren't going to be taken In by his posturing. In fact with a list of priorities, your bigger situation is going to be shouting and screaming in your face so much, that you can't ignore it and he is going to come way down the pecking order.

Happy new year Op and I'm sure it's going to be agreat one for you whenyoure back on your financial feet again.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 01/01/2016 11:37

Well done. He sounds revolting. Be strong.

Original poster
usedagain · 01/01/2016 11:46

Thank you for being here. Almost no one IRL knows what the situation has been. He talks a good talk and if you met him you would believe he has a thriving business , is very successful and does masses round the house.

I have told my best friend who has been amazingly supportive - her husband is very ill, so I don't want to impose too much. I also bumped into a mutual friend (male) last week and in response to a simple 'how are you' cried all over him for an hour over coffee. I told him the truth too - and he was surprised ( not totally shocked as he knows my ex well) and very kind to me. I think given a chance he (friend) will talk to ex ...

I'm still in bed, slept so heavily last night after a sleepless one the night before. (Sometime teenagers habits work in ones favour) yesterday I cleaned and cleaned ... Today I think I will walk the dog , and then dye my roots and pay some attention to myself. Then I might make a nice dinner for me and the kids ... Would prefer to go out, but hey I'm broke!

Locksmith will come out for £95 to change the Yale. I can't decide if I should do that - because I am broke - or wait till tomorrow when I can do it myself ...

OP posts:
Original poster
usedagain · 01/01/2016 11:54

aspergallus thank you for your practical suggestions. All of my debt is either loans at a low rate ( < 6%) or on 0% cards. The first expires next October. If I work really hard and save like crazy, and cancel next summers holiday - I can get the deposit back , and eBay - (and nothing awful happens) - then I should have £11k to clear that ...

After that I will be back to juggling +++ with different cards.

It's a good idea to be systematic. I have three more days off work. I need to get sorted. I can cry later

I still can't believe he would leave and sulk rather than try to talk like an adult.

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 01/01/2016 12:15

Good to hear you're feeling better and stronger. Happy Cocklodger-free New Year! Xmas Grin

Did you secure the office equipment?

thenightsky · 01/01/2016 12:17

What was the nature of his 'business'? Is it something you could make work properly?

Learningtoletgo · 01/01/2016 12:33

I still can't believe he would leave and sulk rather than try to talk like an adult.

Sounds to me like he knows he's been rumbled and has no interest in making it work if he doesn't have a free ride anyway. Sorry to say that as it's going to make you feel worse but I think the reality here is you've been conned. This is why I ask what he's been like in the past (with his DC's mum).

Learningtoletgo · 01/01/2016 12:33

Anymore not anyway

StillYummy · 01/01/2016 12:40

If I was you I would get the lock done today op. You can't put a price on the peace of mind it will give you. New year, new start Flowers

magoria · 01/01/2016 12:56

It sounds like you have a plan.

Don't be surprised to have your ups and downs. There was a reason you loved him. You may find yourself veering between hating him and wanting him back.

Keep a copy of this thread handy so you can remind yourself just why you are doing this.

If he comes back you can call the police like they have suggested to have him removed again. So it is peace of mind over £100. only you can make that call.

If your DC are adults, are they working and do they contribute? If not even a small contribution of £25/week is £100 a month from each which would help with those debts.

If you really feel the cleaning bug strike I am looking for one... You are very welcome to come and clean my place to let off steam Grin I am happy to put myself out to help you in this manner.

Flowers
mix56 · 01/01/2016 13:04

If its not too late, you can probably just change the barrel of the door lock. Go to Homebase/other, there are videos on youtube how to do it, it takes a screw driver & 5 minutes. If you really feel you can't manage it, maybe a teenager can help or friendly neighbour. Don't spend £95 on it.

Keep on going, cancel his office rent, has he a phone line/internet at his office? cancel that too if you are paying. Make sure you are not responsible for his council tax there etc

mix56 · 01/01/2016 13:06

make sure you don't have any joint fb, iCloud, msn accounts, if so, disactivate, reset passwords on EVERYTHING

SheerWill · 01/01/2016 13:18

You should be so proud of yourself. You have taken your own life back into your hands.

I'm in the process of sorting out my finances after exh left me in an awful mess and it's so satisfying each time I clear a credit card, loan or fill up my overdraft on my own. It's not easy but each mini achievement feels amazing.

Massive congrats and Happy New Year! ThanksWine

7amliein · 01/01/2016 13:20

I can't really see the evidence of what he has done wrong. There is nothing here that I can't imagine could sound very different from the other person's point of view. Most of the responses are typical default position man hating mumsnet type advice.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/01/2016 13:26

You're completely right, 7.

Kicking off at the police is fine and we're only saying otherwise because we're big, nasty man haters.